I used to pride myself on saying that I lived a life separate from regret and it was true, I did. However, I don't think that it's a good thing. Regret has shown me that I made bad decisions based on simple decisions without giving much though to the consequences. By having regret, it shows me where to change my behavior, what I need to do, and where I want to be.
I decided a long time ago that I deserved to be happy. Happiness is a choice, it is a decision, and not one to take lightly. I love to make others happy and I am a very loyal person as a result. However, that loyalty has come to bite me in the a** more than once and as a result I am very guarded as to whom is allowed inside the circle of trust. And those that have been removed from my circle, well, they know. I can be quite cut-throat and cold. I do not like games, I do not like being toyed with and most importantly, I hate being lied to. Lying by omission is the largest offense and one that is hard to forgive. I give people one chance in this area, one chance to earn the trust back, but it will always be hard for me.
I regret many choices and decisions in my life, many of which the foreseeable consquences didn't seem so harsh. Due to certain choices I am stuck in a slow progression of poverty that will take time to escape. I have many abilities to get out and am working on many routes out, however, it is all on my shoulders, the rearing of my child is a lonely and long road, one I cherrish, but one where I wish I had made better choices during better/easier times. I cannot go back, I can only go forward and I can only hope to do better. You can never know what the future will bring you and hindsight is 20/20 which is why I try to enjoy the little things.
The little things where the sky is pure, the air is fresh, the sun shines, the smile of my daughter, the beautiful love of a partner all of which only last for a short time and that will leave you with just a memory. I store those memories and focus on them during hard times, I can look back at the past and review where I have come from. I can view it negatively or positively it's all a state of mind. I'm a ridiculous optimist. This is something that I cannot help. However, instead of having that hope for others, I hold it only for myself. You cannot hope that others have your best interests in mind or rather if they do that the decisions, actions and choices that they make line up with what is truly in your best interest.
I have nearly died 3 times in my life, death will not have me, sorry, my will is too strong. However, in one instance, I knew I was going to die, they did not have the medication and had to have it sped over to the clinic and were close to opening up my body to help me breathe, it was terrifying and at the same time life altering. It didn't affect me as much until it happened a few more times where I stopped being scared. Having close brushes with death a few times makes you less scared of it, at least for me it did.
I realized what was important to me and what I wanted to do. I wanted to leave a profound legacy behind and ensure that my daughter knew me and was taken care of by what I could leave for her. The role of a parent always instills in you of wanting to provide a good life for your child, to give them something better, not necessarily financially, but even a loving home, care, things that you grew up and didn't have. I will do those things and I am working on creating them all for her, it is a slow but steady process, but without regret I wouldn't have them. Without being put in terrible situations by choices that I thought were good for me but nearly ended up killing me, I know what I want.
It's been awhile since I've had a brush with death and I'd like to keep it that way. I have learned greatly from it and the biggest thing I have learned is my voice. I used to speak my mind, be myself, and go for the things I wanted. I stopped that when I became married. My ex...destroyed a big part of my sensibilities of who I was. I lost myself. I was scared and scarred from him. I will always be affected by that marriage that I had and I hope to be free from it, but at the same time I don't. I'm affected by that regret. I have learned so much from my life with him. I regret many things that I did, many choices, many failures, many loves, nearly all of it.
I sometimes wonder if I made the right decision to leave my daughter's father and then he opens his mouth and I'm reminded of why I left. I deserve to be a person and to follow my dreams and to not have them controlled. I would never have learned that without the experience. My life is much harder based on the decisions I made earlier in my life as a youth, but so what? My daughter deserves to have an example of what a strong woman is and at the same time to learn what a woman deserves. How she deserves to be treated and what a partner should be. I am her mother and I must teach her this. That lesson right there is why I left. I didn't leave because I deserved better, I knew that I did, but I left because my daughter needs to know this lesson. Staying with her father just to keep the family together would teach her terrible things. It would have taught her so many terrible things that I did not want her to go in search of a partner that would do that to her.
I'm fearful that she will have more problems because of who her father is, however, there's nothing that I can do about it. I encourage him to be in her life, when he has it together, and to just be there for her when she cries because she misses her Dad. I do nearly everything in my power to keep their relationship solid, but there's nothing that I can really do about it, it's between them two.
Freedom does not come without consequences or without a fight. You might fight every day, the battles can get easier over time, but the first big ones, the ones with your mind, can tear you apart. It is not a battle of will, but a battle of the mind. The death of a friendship, of a love, of a future, of your dreams, they are gone. They are shattered. They don't exist, they never did, and they never would. Acceptance can bring healing to regret, but regrets stay and last. Yes, I became apathetic about many choices, it's easier to be jaded, but freedom brings strength.
Every regret has provided me with a lesson learned, a wisdom, a quiet freedom for my future. I have a future because of my past. I am present in enjoying my life because I lost myself for too long. My daughter is growing up right before my eyes, so I quit my second job so that I could be with her more. Yes, money is even tighter now, but I've lost too much time that I cannot make up. I've learned to be frugal as a result. So many lessons learned from regret, that just being one of them. I hated my parents for working long hours and not being present and in the moment with me in my childhood and continued to resent them for a long time. Part of me still does, it is a deep rooted pain, I do not want this for my daughter.
I want her to know that nothing in life is free and that you have to work for it if you want something. However, I also want her to know that no matter what she has her mother and mommy will always be there for her, no matter what. Now that confidence she deserves. I never had it, she deserves that much from me. I brought her into this world and the regrets my parents have of my childhood and the things that I hated that were done, well, I have the power to provide better.
Regret has provided me a path of change. A path of strength. She changed my life forever and for that, I will always be grateful. Thank you for saving my life, E.
Note: I do not own this photo, it came from the site of postsecret.com and downloaded on 12/12/2011.
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