Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Music Cuz Why Not

I like the cover of these songs, the originals will always have a very special place in my heart.


Great Cover of a Great Band, Chicago.









Friday, December 26, 2014

Grief

I'm starting to feel a lot better. I know my blog has been my main form of expressing the pain and loss that I've been experiencing over these past few months.  

I'm finally able to think of my Grandfather and of JH without tearing up. I've gone back and forth on the depression to bargaining. I finally was able to put my therapist`s words, you've said everything, done everything, let it be.  

The final conversation was one of him telling me not to come, to cancel the plane ticket, work, tests, too much going on, etc.  It's always the same, it is what it is.  He told me he loves me and yet his words from September, the day before E`s birthday ring in my ears;

I know this is hard on you and I am truly sorry but I will call when I have my thought aligned and can answer your questions directly.

And so that is where it had been left.  And that is where I have finally let it all die.  

My Grandfather, I thought I could grieve with his support, with my family's, but alas no.  My father hadn't said a word to me about it, me extended family, well we don't talk that much.  My sister and brother, we aren't close, not anymore. And my mom, it was her father. A complicated relationship. He was an abusive womanizing drunk. A version of my Grandfather I have never known. The grief as the final living male relative that I wanted to dance with me at the preconceived idea of a future wedding I thought that might possibly happen in the near future. I just. 

He was there for me in my younger years in a way I can't even express true gratitude. I got to say goodbye to him in January when he was in the ICU.  He never wanted is to visit him, not us grandkids. 

I have such amazing memories with these two men. I love then both dearly. I'll always love them. My father will never be like either of my Grandfathers, we will never be close and I will always be a disappointment, but that's on him. 

JH will always be my great lover. I'll always cherish the love I have for him and remember fondly how much he loved me. How great of a person he was. Everyone is flawed and yes I wanted to spend the rest off my life with him, but my time with him is over.  Gosh how we started was a whirlwind, I'm still amazed at my reaction to our first meeting.  The adventures, I'll have more in my life.  My favorites involved us driving whilst holding hands.

My Grandfather, oh how Arizona and hiking, trails, that was our time. Shooting. He was a deeply flawed man, but he was my Grandfather. 

I'm accepting of where everything is, the memories no longer pain me but give me happiness, remind me that I've lived and loved. I'm young and I know I'll love again. 

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Simple Living

Okay, okay. Have I mentioned, I'M MOVING, AHHH!  If I could have more of a mental freak out, well I think I'd pass out. I'm excited and ready.

I know where I want to end up and with moving to a place I don't plan to live forever, my purchases need to align with my end plan. I want to live simply, 500 square feet will work for just me down the road. I love nature and always miss it dearly. I know I'd like to live near the town wherever I end up.

Anyhoo, getting back to my point. In my new apartment I must purchase a fridge. There is no hookup for a washing machine nor a dryer. I must go to the laundromat either at the apartment complex or head on down the street.  If you know me at all, I'm a hermit and I very much like to do my laundry in a very specific way. 

However, in choosing to live in 500 square foot home down the road and to be prepared in general, I need a basic washing machine to clean my clothes.  I came across the company, The Laundry Alternative, and it's washing machine. 

I mostly figure that when I'm out camping for close to a week, I can wash my clothing, along with E`s, and also be able to pack less.  E also still has accidents, I do hope it ends soon, some kids take time to develop the response to hold the bladder.  I've read plenty of reviews and done the research, I think with the small investment it will be a nice experience for the two of us.

We already line dry a good amount of our clothes. I'm sure we will still go to the laundromat to wash the bedding and quilts. I'm wanting a simple life and I've gotten off that track for awhile.  Time to figure out this idea of apartment living and having a simple life.

I am in no way affiliated with The Laundry Alternative company. I am in no way benefiting from them. This is my own adventure in simple living and could totally backfire in my face. Proceed at your own risk.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Car Ride

The song that I would play in my car to put E to sleep when she wouldn't fall asleep.  I'd drive all over San Diego.





Here's the entire album





I can't put into words what it does for me, but it puts together all emotions and in a harmonic way, expresses it.  And so now, time for last minute Christmas gifts and getting ready for the move.  I just look at all the money I'm spending and I keep thinking about how I wish I could finish paying off my debts, soon enough, soon enough.  I hope to have everyone paid back for last year's help with the attorney by my birthday.  That's the plan, at least.

I see a drive in a car around town in my future.  Head down along the coast, crash a bonfire at Fiesta Island, and take in the beautiful pacific ocean.  Remember all of my memories of this county.  The joy of being a synesthete is that I can pull myself into each memory and remember what it was like at the time, which is why remembering can be both bitter and sweet.

Belated Music Monday





New Life

I went up to my new apartment yesterday to see the place and to help get things all settled in.  It's hard to get E registered into the school district, seems that most people lie and try to get their kids into the schools when they don't even live in the area.  So she will miss a few days of school, nothing much I can do about it.

I must say I am excited for this new adventure and am looking forward to learning the neighborhoods.  For instance, where to hike, ride a bike, go on a walk, some adventures and museums with E.  She had so much fun with me and my friend yesterday, just strolling around the area.  I'm ready to move and ready to begin.

I'm feeling very excited and not anxious, not as anxious as I was feeling and fretting about.  It will be nice to have our own bedrooms and a place to relax and entertain with guests.  Purchasing a fridge, as annoying as it is, well, there isn't much that I can do about it.  It's time to start over and do something different.  A week away from quitting my job and officially leaving and a week and a half away from moving, two weeks from starting a new job.

A lot of emotions, but I couldn't be happier to leave.  My goal is to end up in the mountains and this job will teach me many things, 5-10 years I'll be where I want to be.  I'm like the tortoise, slowly but surely wins the race.  I don't need to rush ahead and go somewhere I want to be, I'll earn it slowly, pay my dues and make it happen.  I am forever grateful for the opportunity that I had at my current job, but it is time.  It's E and me against the world, I know we'll be okay, yes I'll miss everyone, but it's time.  I made arrangements so that I could move a year ago, yes I thought it would be with someone, but whatever, E and I got this.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Time

You could say I was a silly girl for a moment.  I had my pitty party.  The irony hit me in the gut harder than I realized, I definitely cried.  The irony that I pushed and wanted a family, more children, in a relationship and it turns out without medical intervention, I can't have kids.  Fun irony there.

I have to leave San Diego, there are too many memories here.  I still look at the curve of the driveway and wonder, will his truck/car be around the corner?  I used to look for it.  I got so used to his surprises to just say hello.  I go to my friend's house, where I used to live and wonder the same thing as I lived there for a year, he helped us move in.

It brought back up all the internal struggles and how hard it is to let go.  It hasn't been easy.  I put one step in front of the other.  I've gone out, met people, felt alive again, and pushed away advances.  I mailed him his things, he couldn't understand why at the time, couldn't understand why when I came across pictures of us, told me not to get on the plane, just not yet, not yet.  Never flying.  No explanation.  Nothing.  Just I'll tell you, just not now, I can't.  I'll never understand, going from talking everyday, spending time together, all of it, and to suddenly nothing.  I'm just supposed to get up and move on.  I never moved on the first time, but I knew I had to stop waiting, so I stopped waiting.

My brain gets it, his family, all of the brothers, everything.  Sent the final pics, deleted the phone numbers, the texts, the emails.  I knew I'd call him if I didn't.  I'm breathing.  I'm moving, trying.  One step in front of the other.  Back in 2013 I told him that if he didn't want kids that I deserved to know because of my issues with being able to have children.  That issue came up again and landed me in the hospital nearly a year ago today.  The scarring of my ovary, all over again, the pain.  I wasn't nice to him, not to anyone but the doctor that brought me pain killers.  My ex-husband, I regret JH because of what I did with E's dad, putting in there conditions, relinquished other ones because he wanted us.  And it's all for not.  Now I'm living with those consequences.

So the chance to move away, to leave everything and let go, I grabbed at the chance.  I discovered that everything between him and me was real, no lies, just no explanation for the silence.  Well, he does this, he has always done that part, usually I look at him and it ends the silence, many hundreds of miles between us and I can't exactly do that....  I'm ending this stupid cycle we got into; him leaving, showing up on his terms, and we're together for some time.  I deserve better, whether it's with someone or not, it's better than it was.

I don't even know what I'd say if I saw him or his family again.  I want to say that I'd be strong and that I'd slap him, walk away, not say anything, I truly don't know.  I know he goes away, this time, it's number 7, last time he left for 2 years.  I can't wait around.  My clock has run out and so I have more time to find someone to grow old with.  Something positive in the doctor's news, right?

I need some time to deal with this news and I know that I'll be okay.  I've dated, I've fallen in love.  I'll always love him.  E was my miracle baby.  I held her in my arms when I found out the news.  All I've ever wanted to be was a mom.  To have six to sixteen children.  I lost her brother and defied those other doctors by having and being able to carry her to term.  She was a strong six pound premie.  My little six week early premie that was ten pounds when she was a month old.

I noticed a change starting in my body, I felt different, body wasn't acting normally.  I'm glad I did the hormone testing.  There isn't much that can be done.  The loss of what could have been has been more profound than anything else.  I just strolled through memory lane of all the things that could have been.  I will never carry another child, have a baby at my breast, and though as sad as it is, it's a bit freeing.  I thought I would grow up and be this person and I can't be, my biology doesn't fit this mold.

I'll do some work with the doctors to start to produce good eggs again, maybe get another chance.  I don't want a child just to have a child, I want someone willing to go through it with me and now I'm being faced with discussions with doctors, oh hey, sperm donors, we can't harvest your eggs due to such and such of a complication, this hormone does such and such, birth control well, will hopefully make you ovulate, doesn't actually work like normal.

And with private news like this, people wonder why I seem sad and am slowly moving.


Thursday, December 18, 2014

Staying, For Now

It's been tough here at work, a lot of BS, too much to go into.  I'm staying for the final paychecks, cover the move and well, move.  I went home in tears and with the final knowledge that I truly do not have a brother in my life anymore and I no longer wish to be near my close family.  They have helped me survive the recession and now I have a great opportunity.

I'm going to a place where I don't know anyone.  All I want to do is go back to Joshua Tree and look up at the stars.  There's nothing like being completely alone in the wilderness, doesn't matter, trees, rivers, creeks, plains, or desert.  It's nature in its beauty to remind me of where I want to be and who I am.

As a mom, we put up with straight up bull because food has to be put on the table and there's a future we need to provide for now.  Pinch pennies, save for college, a plot of land, something.  I'll trudge through this new experience and save because I want a good future for her.

I got also news from my doctor, something I've heard since I was 16, it still stings just the same; the hormone levels are off and I may never have another child.  I had a window.  It may still happen, I just have issues carrying and now worse issues for getting pregnant.  I noticed a change over this past year and we decided to do the hormone testing.  Yes, many drugs could be injected and done, but there is no partner so it is okay.  E is a fantastic daughter and I have some amazing friends.  Yes, it is sad, yes I'm having my pitty party today, and well, I can have it today, and then let it all get set aside.

I'm moving into a city, city life is not for me, but I'm close to work, a fantastic park and a great school system.   Many weekend trips to nature should do me just fine.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Poem of the Day

Finish each day and
be done with it.
You have done what you
could. Some blunders
and absurdities no doubt
crept in; forget them
as soon as you can.
Tomorrow shall begin it
serenely and with too high
a spirit to be encumbered
with your old nonsense.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Monday, December 15, 2014

Holiday Stress: Evening in the ER

E went to a birthday party and after much fun, we spent the evening in the ER awaiting our turn to be helped.  She got three stitches on her chinny-chin-chin, much to our chagrin.  I am happy that she wasn't in pain and that she was my brave little girl.  It started hurting her today, but it should heal up just fine.  If it were in any other spot, we could have butterflied the wound close, but since it was on an area of skin that kept pulling it open, we needed stitches.

Also, it was a small cut, I felt in my heart of hearts the first time of my own sexism coming out.  It shocked me a bit.  I feel that I'm fairly equal in how I view boys and girls, but I was worried about a scar on her face.  She is a girl and albeit she isn't a girly girl, neither am I, but that, she might be when she is older and scars, in our culture, are okay on boys but could also be a reason to be teased as a girl.  I didn't want that for her.  It was interesting to make a mental note of my internal beliefs on how I might handle this differently had she been a boy.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

BEST DAY EVER!

E had the BEST day ever on Friday. I volunteered in her classroom and when we went to the assembly, she had no idea.  She got her ultimate present, a bike! 

She then got star student for the week for doing her homework. She then got fab five where your name gets pulled out of a hat and you earn coupons to use in the classroom. I took her to her favorite restaurant, one we hadn't been to in nearly two years.

I'm a very proud mom and eternally grateful to all those involved. It will be a year that she never forgets. I'm glad I get to be her mom.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Something Amazing

An organization donated 6 bikes to the school in the grade that E is in. She was nominated and tomorrow morning, she will be honored and surely surprised as one of the children that has earned that privilege.

I will be volunteering in the morning in her classroom and will be there for the special assembly. She has no idea and I couldn't be more proud of her along with the gratitude towards the school.

However, at the same time, she has wanted a bike for a very long time. She grew out of her bike a few years ago. I have saved up and on her Santa list was a bike. Well, black Friday has come and gone and a bike is hiding out somewhere, awaiting for Santa to come by and put under a beautiful tree.

The anxiety of now not being ready for Christmas is quite high at the moment. I figure we will see this bike at the assembly and go from there before Santa, ahem, sends it back.

Too many emotions this wonderful month.  We have an apartment in our new community and we move soon enough. It's a lot, a lot of changes. I just thought Santa had his act together, but wonderful people make wonderful decisions and you adjust. I have only amazing emotions and a little time to get ready. I'll make it happen. I'm proud of her doing well in school.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Music









And yes, I can 'kill' songs.  This was first heard, for me at the very least, on an episode of Being Human on the SyFy network.  It's hard to say goodbye and now I'm saying goodbye to everyone and everything.


I'd love to dance to this song, could be outside, out on the town, in the family kitchen with toys a strewn about the landscape.  Someday, soon, I hope.


I'm starting to get that hope back, the bitterness is slowly sweeping away.  I'm scared to trust again, but I want to grow old with a partner and with children.  The hard reality is accepting that I need to kiss a lot of interesting frogs to figure that out.  So, to the future me, finally, dancing, and holding my person in my arms again.


Great Cover






Monday, December 1, 2014

Scared and Ready

I'm moving, packing up all of my things, getting rid of even more, figuring out what I need, what E needs.  It's thrilling, enticing, exhausting, and exasperating...all rolled up into an ever anxious moment.  I know I stated that moving in January, well, would be ideal, however, it's also being drawn out.

E was with her father over Thanksgiving and it was nice to work, spend time with friends, go out, pack, start this idea of being a single person in a new town.  The last few months reminded me of a movie that I had seen a few years ago, 500 days of Summer.  I feel like I'm now clawing myself out of my own deep seated depression of sorts, cannot lie, my blog here, well, pin-pointedly shows that I've been hung up on someone.  Eh, cannot lie, tis true.

I'm internally freaking out over moving, but finally, having a moment to well, go out with friends and stay out until the sun came up just catching up with friends was a relaxing endeavor.  It reminded me of how I am unequivocally excited to be E's mom and spend my days with her.  Yes, it was great to be out on the town.  Yes, it was wonderful to have someone ask for my number, sorry, no, I'm moving, but allow me to take yours, wink, wink, nod, nod, etc.  It reminded me that I need to find a better way of meeting really awesome people and that starting over will be albeit, intense, but will be the best experience for me in the end.

I'm ready to start 'again' and what that means, how it goes, I don't know.  But E and I, we got this.  She's a really awesome side-kick.  I've got a picture of her right here at my computer with her mustache, sunlit hat and random sunglasses smiling into a camera from a carnival back from this past May 2014.

I'm proud that I held myself together and didn't go well, too far over the deep-end.  Yes, I threw myself into my work and in being a couch potato, putting on a few pounds, developing a bad soda sugar addiction, but hey, who's judging whom now?  It was the past 2.5 years of my life, 3.5 of actually being 'together' and loved since I was 22.  I wish I could say that I could be strong and keep myself at bay for someone I've loved that long, but just because I'm not strong about him, doesn't make me weak, just is what it is.

I have issues and problems breaking in all around me and yet, it is what it is.  It has been E and me against the world since the day she was born.  I was alone, with this infant that needed me, whom, I didn't know what to do, she was early, I wasn't ready, scared, terrified of being alone with her, that I'd somehow damage her.  And to look at her now.  I am so proud of her.  She is my daughter.  I've raised her and she has self-confidence, knows she is beautiful, knows who she is and that I love her.   Things that I never had at her age and now I have a chance, a real chance, to be the mom that I want to be.  I'm scared sh**less that I'm going to screw this up, that this opportunity will ruin what we've created together.  But I have to go it a shot, I have to.

I needed a few nights to myself, to wallow in her being away from me.  In getting a chance to just go out and laugh again.  To go out dancing, gosh, something that I hate to say has been a few years, pretty frustrating.  To kiss someone and know that this is not what I want.  That it's okay for it to just be me and her, but that I'm now ready.  Yes, I still get moments where I miss him.  I'll always miss him, he was a big part of my life, the first person I ever thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.  Ego, yeah, a bit bruised, but I'm packing my bags, I've made a decision for me.  I regret him, yeah, I love him, but I regret him all at the same time.

I want out of doing the same things every single day in and day out, I know I'll probably be saying the same thing in what 2-3 years from now.  I have worked here for, well, up in March, it will be 5 years.  I've spent a good amount of my life working from poverty to being able to pretty much paying for mine and E's college. It'll take a bit more grit and savings, but I think we can do this.  Her Christmas list already shows the things that I've taught her.

  • Bike
  • Sewing Kit
  • Cat
  • Cat Toys
She wants things that will not go bad, that you can use over and over again.  This was it.  It wasn't cheap and yeah, I did the black friday shopping, but I got a great deal on a bike for her.  I can make her, her own sewing kit, cat well, that has to do with rent.  I said that may have to wait since I have to let Santa know we're moving and it costs more to have a cat in an apartment and that also not all apartments will allow you to have a cat.  She understands.

Yes, I have played this song more times than I can count, but it's still true to me in every way.

Monday, November 24, 2014

The Right Decision

I had fun and went out with my girlfriends. It was wonderful to go out laugh, walk around, random conversations. It was great to celebrate my friend's birthday and on my adventure in moving.

It got serious after many hours when my friend celebrated her birthday by downing a bottle of sake, not something I would recommend doing.She had little to no memory after that. Needless to say out was not enjoyable after that.

I literally carried her home and carefully put her into bed. However, it became very emotional as she screamed to her boyfriend that she wanted her baby boy back. The earth shattering pain and loss of her child.... I know that pain. That loss.

I have wondered on and off, especially during the tough times, have I made the right decision? But I know that pain. That agony when your offspring is not in your care and in someone else's and you desperately would give anything to bring her back into your arms again.

It shook me and I was scared that my presence would hurt her. I kept my daughter and I get to take her home. She goes to her father's, on occasion.  When I put her in the plane all those months ago, she was so proud and happy, she walked away and I broke down into tears in front of everyone. I was alone and broken.  The agony. The fear and the unknown trust.

Words cannot express the void that can only be filled with the arms of your child. Not another. Not anything else. The love that you give to your child to abort, to give up, to keep. There is no right answer. And there are times you never know if you made the right decision or not.

For her she did the right thing for her. Her son is with a good family. But it doesn't change that agony, that loss.

It was incredibly powerful. All I wanted to do was to go home and hold my daughter. But she is in the arms of her father for the rest of the week.

I awoke the next day knowing that I made the correct decision for me. E is my daughter and I'm proud of her. I would not be the woman I am today if it wasn't for her. I am lucky to be her mom and I'm honoured.

It also has allowed me to truly heal. As you know the loss of my relationship shook me. Main reason being that he wanted me and not us. Well screw anyone that can't handle us.

I'm a strong person because I became a mom. She gave me my voice. Something that I'll forever be grateful for. And if someone can't handle that, then f off. I mean that in the nicest and most honest way possible.

I feel forever more confident in who I am and in the decisions I've made because of this experience. E and I are a family. Yes I'd love to grow my family, but if you cannot accept her and everything that goes with it, well frankly you aren't worth my time. You would be missing out on one of the most influential and important people of my life.

I feel for my friend. I truly do. There's no right or wrong in the decisions you make when you are pregnant. The decisions last a lifetime. And the consequences keep you up at night. She was a few months old when I fully realized that I was a mom. I was her mom. When she was 9 months old and received two shots, four vaccines at once and her eyes rolled to the back of her head and stopped breathing.

I became mother bear so fast. Someone had to speak up for her get her to the hospital. Protect her. When I left her father it was to teach her how a woman was supposed to be treated. You don't stay to stay. Leaving was one of the hardest things I ever did. Going into the welfare office when I lost everything, losing my pride, to feed her, get her health insurance. Anything for her. I have learned so much of my self because it was all in the name for her.

I'm feeling ready to consider actually going out on a date. I know who I am and what I want. If it wasn't for becoming that mother bear all those years ago, I don't know. I wish to thank my friend for her broken moment. The agony she feels everyday I only feel a few times a year. And it breaks me every time.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

time to move

I've decided to take the job opportunity and move. It's a big one on both respects.

I'm anxious yet excited. Time for a change this new year.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Cross Benefit Analysis

I'm going on a job interview tomorrow.  I'm not nervous because I have worked directly with this company for over a year now.  They know me, I know them.  Right now it's just a discussion of everything else that I currently do in my profession, along with what I can offer them.

It would require a major shift in my life if I choose to take this position.  My bosses know and even came to me directly about the position as it's something that they cannot offer me; more experience with a larger company than in a mid-size growing company.  I have peaked as far as I can go at this point.

However, it's time for lists.  Even if it doesn't work out with this one interview, it's good practice for other interviews in the future.  I want to be able to fully support my daughter and possibly purchase a home for us in a few years.

There is so much that I want from life and it's great that all of the hard work from over the years is being acknowledged.  I will be going on a vacation at the end of the month to clear my  head in making a decision. I was considering heading up the Pacific Northwest, I still may head up that way.  I have until next week to fully make the decision.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Finding a new way

I had a good 4 hour long conversation with a friend. We talked about our favorite books, life, trying to get out there in the world again, and most importantly, my pessimistic attitude towards life and his endearing optimism.

It was nice to just talk about life and to be pushed to meet new people.  It's a bit daunting; dating. I'm sure I'll be ready at some point. He was like go out, pick someone up and have fun. Mhmm, right.My reaction, take your own advice then. We both had the same reaction, in due time, due time.

I'm ready for a change. I'm finding happiness in my books and in talking. I lost my hope for the dream come true. But maybe I can figure out a new one.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Reading

I've been reading a lot lately.  I got into the Sookie Stackhouse years ago when my daughter spent her first week alone with her father.  It was a long time ago, but I burned through the first 6 books in a very short amount of time.  There's nothing like a good book to keep your mind busy.

Well, I stopped reading the series after the 9th book and recently I got back into the books and finished the entire series.  Yes, you can see that the writer slowed down in a sense, but the books were all great reads.  I highly recommend the series to anyone, by far better than the show that's based off the books, aka True Blood.

I also read all three books in the Divergent series.  I plan to post some quotes from the storyline, ones that don't give away what's going on, more about what I learned from AP English Literature course that I took back in High School.  The theory we had with our papers is when we read a book, we had to find the golden quote.  What is the story based off of, there is always a golden sentence, sometimes, more than one.

The series is by far better than the Hunger Games trilogy, still all three of these series, great reads.

Historical fiction with a bit of the flair in reality tends to be what interests me most in books these days.

I'm spending a lot of my time nestled into books and it's filling the empty parts of my day, after I'm done with the day-to-day chores and running around to all of E's events.  She has also taken up reading and reads 3 times as much as the other kids in her class.  I'm very happy she has come around to find that reading is a wonderful hobby to have.  It takes you places and teaches you so much.

Friday, October 17, 2014

life getting in the way of progress

I've been cleaning up boxes out of my garage. Already filled a truck load to the dump and dropped it off.

In going through my things I came over so many photographs of E. Along with those pictures were others. Ones of JH and I at his best friend wedding where he was the best man.  Our padres baseball tickets, the game he realized,  after speaking to his mom and realizing that when I was talking about us having kids that not just biologically ours,  but also being a step-parent to E.

That was a year ago. How times have changed. They are very happy memories.  It's just, its just.

E talked about going to Joshua tree again and go rock climbing. How fun he was. She just brought it up this part week. She doesn't talk about him that much anymore. She makes the comment about how sad it is that he left and had to move. I generally nod and don't say much else.

When these come up, I do think should I call, reach out, but then I stop. It'd been 2 months since he had called, let it go. I wonder did I have this all wrong, how could I have missed any signs, and it isn't there. He thought he could be the person I needed or rather wanted and just continued on.

Dates, plans for the future ... . How do you move on?

I'm finding it difficult to move on. My marriage was over pretty much before it began for many, many reasons.

I think we always wish we had more time with those we love. There's never enough time.

I would've stayed and worked through our relationship problems of he'd just talk to me. Being apart, I couldn't call him on his bill sh**, give him a look and he'd spill the beans.

I miss the little things. My confidant recommends going on those dating sites getting out, urging me on. I just need to bury this box of photographs and memories.

Slowly, but surely, I'm getting there. He'd rather run than admit he doesn't want kid s. I'm a package deal and okay.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Camp

My daughter will be going to the same camp that I went to as a child. I truly couldn't be happier. I have so many special memories, from all of the encampments to all of the night hikes. You always have to yell skat when you come across some on a hike, definitely you have to have whistle with you, compass, etc. Getting her own safety kit together. It brings up all of the fond memories that I cherish.

I hope that she finds as much happiness and joy as this place does for me. If it wasn't for Girl Scouts I don't know where our even who I would be. It's changed my life that much.


Thursday, October 9, 2014

Letting Go

I have found that the easiest way to not contact someone in the digital age is to change the profile name of that person. Deleting a number can be awkward because if that person then contacts you again, they have your number and you might not recognize it.  By changing the name, to at least remind you to avoid the number, for me, it helps.

Currently in my phone I have, ugh, ignore, reject, to name a few. Let go is the latest.  I realized I was the one holding onto something that was lost.  I was the one that initiated contact, though seldom, it was me.  The promise made back in May of 2012 was broken.  The promise that developed the ability to trust again, well, the foundation is broken.  And when you have a broken foundation, you bulldoze that house, and rebuild.

So, it's time to let go, add that name to the list of people in the phone.  Accept the truth and let go.  So I leave with a song that adds to the melancholy of my mood.  The hope of what is to come and to what will be.  It was a great run.



I don't do many pictures on here, but this one is in June of 2012.  The day I decided I was ready to love you and believe your promise.  E still talks about this day as one of the best days of her life.  I'm so very glad she got that. 



I have a date arranged for the future and I'll go, I don't think too much of it, just a start, a moment to break the bond and loyalty to what we were.  I know it will be slow and I wish for more, but I can't keep living in the past or for a future that will never happen.

You promised you would never run.  You promised you would always be there.  You promised you would talk to me even when the words were too much.  You promised you would never leave without talking.  You promised you would come back if Oregon didn't work out.

I took you on your word, but I guess, promises are meant to be broken.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Camping

I went to a campsite where I spent most of my childhood.  It was over a decade since I had been there and it was a powerful experience.  It reaffirmed in me all of the things of who I want to be when I grow up, how I have changed and who I want to show my daughter that she can be.

It was a wonderful experience one that I'll always cherish.  I met many other women there that had similar experiences.  It was wonderful to share and to go back to a part of my life that I loved.  It was my entire life prior to E.  My life before E was a very busy lift in camping and the outdoors.  I wasn't able to go back, kept making excuses.  Finally, I signed up and went up.

I found the community of people with common goals that I grew to love when I was young, a 'family' in it's own right.  I felt at home, something I had only felt with one person previously.  I felt whole.  I can't even express the emotional experience of how lost I was as a child and how going there saved my life.  It saved me and it is wonderful for it to still be there after all of these years, with women in their early twenties all the way up to their 90s.

I may have wanted more and rather expected more from JH, but at least it's great to know that there's something more special to me that I can enjoy right now.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Future

I spoke to my ex and as awkward as it was, it truly defined where we are in our lives.  Hey, future, kids, living together, it's a lot.  It is a definite deal breaker if someone cannot be a parent with me.  I want more children, I'd love to have a family, larger than what I have now.

I will most likely wonder what could have been.  But in being separated since May, it's time for me to start over.  I'm not ready for another serious relationship, not a fling either, I'm enjoying my single life.  Being comfortable alone is an interesting feeling.

I do wish that JH would get his act together, but in after talking with him, we are very much in two different places in our lives.  He may be old enough to where family is on the mind, but if it's something that he doesn't want, so be it.  I'll always love him, but the decisions he has made have put a line in the sand on any future relationship that we could ever have.

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, with the idea that we'd spend more time together, not living apart and barely speaking.  That's barely a friendship.

So I may talk to him from time to time, it's not easy to stop sharing your life with someone when you did it for years.  He has never stated, since moving, anything about our future, that he wants me in any capacity.

It's time to get my feet wet so-to-speak.  Dating is a terror when you're a single parent, so much more to think about and if it's just E and me, I know we'll continue to have amazing adventures.  It's time to start over.  It's nice to feel attractive, wanted, desired, whether anything happens or not, it's just a nice feeling.

I think there will always be a part of me wondering if I'll get that big romantic gesture, and yet, at the same time, I feel I already got it April of 2012 when I got a timid text asking how I was doing.

So, I'm not fully sure how to go about this, it will be nice to try.  Many months of not knowing and of letting go.  I said, back in May, that we needed to start making big decisions together and working on our relationship.  When no effort is put in, a relationship ends.  I've learned a lot about myself and my own needs.

I'm ready to start again.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Decisions, decisions, decisions

I'm sitting here tonight reviewing old photos of E and thinking of kur life.  I have an opportunity to truly change our lives and improve my career.   It would be better for me, but would cause issues for my daughter.  She doesn't like change and instead prefers stability.  I mean heck, what child doesn't like that.

I talked with my friends about it but we are in such different places in our lives.   There's one person im used to talking to.  I find that aspect of being single the hardest aspect.  Spending the majority of my life in my head, weighing the pros and cons all the while experiencing the entire responsibility singularly.

The legal pad is drawn and time to begin the onslaught of the lists.  The big girl pants are fun to wear; they give you superpowers.  I always hope that I can make the right decision.  I hope I don't end up regretting my decision, but at least I have time.

I want to provide the best for E, but I also have to balance with what's going to be the best for me too.

I look at these pictures of E and in knowing her now, yes ive made mistakes and there are things that I regret, but she is also happy.   Many thoughts these next few weeks to consider.   I hope that I make the best decision.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Music



"A female friend of mine was the inspiration for this song. She told me something I would never forget: "All good men are either taken, dead, or madly in love with other good men." -Matt Nathanson

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Clarification...

What is sad, is when truly, to clarify from the previous post, is that someone does want you.  Wants you just as much as you want them, but, doesn't want the package deal.  Is terrified of being a parent.

I never thought that being a single mother, someone that chose to keep her child, someone that though may not have been ready, learned how to be a mom at a young age, ....  I am a mom.   And because the child is not the kin of another could be a problem for nearly everyone I have dated (I did say nearly), is painful.  I know there's more to it than that, but I know that for JH, if E was his child, he'd stand up, but she isn't, it's a choice.

It's a lot to ask of someone.  When I date, people tend to have this revelation after a few weeks, oh wait, you're a mom, I don't come first, there's someone else here.  Then the relationship is over.  Years, years.

We made plans.  I had fears, he had answers, not always perfect, but helpful.  What if we move?  I like long road trips, I'm used to them since I went and did them when visiting my Dad (in dropped E off at her Dad's).  Talks about living together.  Moving together.  Help with the legal custody agreement for the four of us in mind (E's Dad, E, him, and me).

Yes, I can understand the fear of being an additional parent and fear that you can't handle it.  There are ways to work and grow as a blended family, but to run away to another state?  To move?  To just up and leave?  What about our plans?  What about our life?  You had your dreams?  What about our dreams?  What about an us?

I knew once I shared my fears and what I needed.  I knew it would be over and cold.  I know he'd be gone.  And I knew I had to be the one.  And my heart broke.  It's broken.  Over the past 5.5 years, I have compared, everyone, to him.  We never fight, we could talk about anything, but I want a family, and he doesn't.  He wants me, not me and my other, for many many reasons.  And it hurts.

At the 2nd year mark, he had the aha moment about realizing that I'm a mom.  It was surreal that it took that long, but we got through it together.  We shared our fears and the plans started.  But everything was for the future.  Not any time now, the future.  It hit me awhile ago, I didn't want to admit it, I couldn't.  I wasn't ready to admit it, but finally I couldn't take the pain any more and I had to spell it out.  If we don't make plans for our present, we cannot have a future.

You cannot move to another state and expect me to sit around while you watch your nephews every single day for hours and care for them and not even have the slightest inkling to do the same for your girlfriend of 3.5 years and her child.  It hit me with a ton of bricks.  He doesn't view us as family and has no desire to make us family.

I defined him as such for myself.  I broke the day I realized it.  I'll never forget it.  And he shut-off communication.  Again.

That's where talk is cheap.  I don't know what to say to E, I don't know what to say to my friends, nor my family.  They all loved him.  I have fought for my daughter and to provide a life for her and I have a need to have a family, a partner.  And the search for someone, I don't want to go through it anymore.  I don't want to search anymore.  I had made my decision.  And a man that has been there for me through so much already, meeting my mom in the ER for goodness sake, etc, etc, etc.... He is the most loving and caring person I have ever known, but can't work through his own childhood demons and pushes away the idea of being a father, even though he is great with E, great with his nephews, gosh you should see him.  But he runs away.

So, I'm torn.  And I don't know what to say.  I get up, go to work, do the same day over and over and over, keeping busy.  Trying to make sense of it all.  He seemed to want us.  All the warning signs weren't there.  I truly feel and felt, at the time, suckerpunched. 

I never thought when I left E's Dad that it would be a life for just E and I.  Why would being a single mom be the reason to walk away from a relationship?  I left E's Dad to show and to teach her how a man should treat a woman in a relationship.  How to stick up for yourself.  I can't settle and I never will.  I know what I want and what I need, which makes this all a hard pill to swallow.

I got used to my bed alone.  I slept in the middle.  No one, EVER stayed over.  No one got attached to E, let alone saw me hold hands.  No one is perfect, no relationship is, I thought all the words, plans, and time together, we were creating our bond.  I guess being a parent to someone else is terrifying.  I have no concept of what it is to truly be on your own completely by yourself, I had a slight experience of it in college.  I was pregnant at 18 and I was then a mom at 19.  I grew up fast.  This has defined my adult existence.  And for someone to not want to spend the next 10-20 years raising E and other children, saddens me in a way I cannot explain.  Someone that wants me more than anything, but the family part is scary, is just sad.

I'm not angry, I'm more out of breath and realizing that his search for a partner is a tough one.

In the movie, The Bronx Tale, it talks about how you have 3 great loves of your life.  He has that definition.  I wish we could work through this, talk, but I don't know what there is to figure out.  Maybe it's gray, it seems black and white to me.  I can only see it from my point of view.  All of the decisions that I have had to make since I became an adult have been defined in the view as "will this decision be in the best interests of E, as a family, for me?"

Yes, I miss him.  I miss my best friend.  The person that never cruelly judged me, that held my hand, held me when I cried, when words, there were no words, my lover.  Someone I needed when I lost Grandpa.  Someone whom I love and want as a partner.  Someone I'd gladly give the next 50 years of my life to.  Someone that doesn't want to grow up and be my partner, to watch E grow up, to teach her more ....

I know it'll all be okay.  I had never really had someone to be there with me before.  We'd share our days together.  I miss the companionship, how effortless it all was.  How the smell of him would just calm anything, those bear hugs.  It just feels like a cruel joke.

You know how the saying goes, if you love him, let him go, if he comes back, it's true.  Or some sort of nonesense.  My response to that saying, well, what do you do if he goes again?

I keep busy.  I'm finding the activities that I want to do.  Maybe the pain will go away.  I don't feel it every day.  I'm just starting to accept that the family I have is the only family that I will have.  It's E and Me against the world.  It's sombre and joyful at the same time.

Right now, with tears in my eyes, I wish I could nestle my face in his chest, and hear him tell me everything will be okay.  I always have to be strong for E.  Work hard, put food on the table, shoulder the day to day, yes I enjoy it, but it is taxing and him being there, helping.

He chose to leave.  Did not make a plan.  No discussion about our relationship.  Too busy with his nephews to call.  Too preoccupied to set up skype.  Twice as far away as E is from her father.  No plan for us to be up there with him.  And I had to be the one to just grow the mommy balls and call him out on it.  And he's surprised by me wondering about our future?

I gave it a few months.  But I have needs.  I deserve better.  We had a wonderful number of years together.  And I miss him, and I'll continue to miss him.  I began to need him, or rather yearn for him and he was always there.  Gosh, he'd show up at work to surprise me just to steal a quick kiss.  I felt so special.  And he's so far away.  No plan.  But I should wait around for a maybe.  I'm sorry, I'm a big girl, I'm a grown up.  I want to plant roots and have a family.  Right now, my family is E and me.  I may not be happy with my job or with everything in life, but I do what I must to be the upstanding parent and continue to pursue my own dreams.

There's no way to be mad.  My friends say that I should get mad, but I'm just walking away.  I stated point blank that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and that we needed to start making decisions together about our present and figuring it all out.  Cricket chirps was the response I got.  That's an answer in and of itself.

Gosh, I was so hopeful when I left E's Dad.  You could say that I still am, just more weary with a shot of reality mixed in.  I figured after a few years, let the guard down.  JH really wants us.  He really loves us.

Okay, there's the clarification.  I have no desire to go in search again.  Maybe it will change, I'm sure it will, at some point.  The sting is going to take awhile to wear off.  I love him and I know I always will.

Looking Forward

I will say, it is quite humbling to be at a point in my life where I have the need to start a new journey.  I pretty much handled all of the major life experiences in my very, very early twenties/late teens.  It may have gone quite fast, but it's my life.  I had my daughter, been married, been divorced, been audited by the IRS (due to said divorce, fun times), dated, had fun, heart ache, lived on my own, had a bunch of money by living cheap, losing it all in the economy crash, been to the ER , yadda yadda yadda.  I've done pretty much it all.  I've fallen in love and found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and fully rejected.  I will say, at the end of it all, it's a humbling experience.

I've always wanted a partner in raising E.  I've always wanted a family to share my life with.  I have a great extended family and we will be visiting them.  I've planned to visit where I've spent time with my Grandfather when I spent time with him growing up.  He taught me to shoot, how to have fun, safety in hiking high altitudes, so many things.

As wonderful as it would be to share all of these moments with a partner, I can share them with the most awesome side-kick.

I do have the pain of wondering if he'll stop by again, like before.  The nature of his career, constantly working, and timing, and all of our relationship of before....  I never thought it would be the same again.  I guess people are creatures of habit and promises don't get kept.  Words, are well, beautiful empty promises.

So I've got my checklist checked off.  I've got many more things to add to a new checklist for my future.  I'm just figuring it all out and it will take lovely time to breathe.  I apologize if it's draining on those that read, but I need some time and a place to work through and mourn the loss.  Losing my Grandfather and the loss of my relationship has been tough.  The person that you would have thought you could have relied on through the death of a family member being unable to be there, is not easy.  And so it is time to slowly work through those emotions.

I think it will be years before I stop wondering of the phone call, who's calling, or wondering if he'll be there.  If you don't know him, then you may not understand that it was his nature to 'surprise' me and show up.  To lose that, I never realized until it was well, gone, how I got used to that, and how much that really meant to me.  As a result, I have to remind myself, oh yes it would be sweet, if he would, but no.

I'll never forget the surprise of my life I received 2.5 years ago when he did just that, 18 months after we last spoke (after a year of being together on and off), he just called and showed up out of the blue.  Professing his love and telling me all about his life and how he screwed up.  So this is cathartic for me.  I had to walk away from someone that couldn't committ.  You can't make some do that, you just ask or rather hope that they agree that they can't imagine their life without you either and that they need you, that no matter of our problems/issues (every relationship has them), that we'll work through them together.  That we can make decisions together. A partnership.

I think, that after 3.5 years with someone that it's a fairly simple concept to wrap your head around, but it's not apparently.  So we would have to work that all out, relationships take work.  I'm at a point, accepting reality is yes, brain, and yet my heart and feelings can't and don't just stop.

In working through all of these emotions, I plan to keep busy in being a mom and having fun adventures.  I guess you could say I'm in a bit of a shock.  I thought I was on the same page as someone and I apparently have it all wrong.  It's just a lot.  You make long-term plans and to be honest, I plan to keep them.  Shave off a bit of the planning and keep it going.

I'm too many emotions all slewed together.  I hope ... I hope for many things.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Cooking Classes and Dancing Lessons

I've been wanting to take cooking classes and dancing lessons for many, many years now.  I've decided to go for it.  Instead of just eying all of those community courses in the local paper, why not sign up for them?  I'd like to learn how to gut a fish properly (Grandpa said it was man's work so I never got a chance when we went fishing).  I'd like to learn better knife skills and how to prep meals throughout the week, as I work to support Emily, time is difficult.

I've wanted to go dancing and learn how to be a better dancer for well over 10 years.  People always say, hey, that's a great idea.  Boyfriends generally agree with the idea of it, but actually attending, well.  Let's just say, I've wanted to do this for ten years and I have yet to have a partner actually make a date and keep it.  So screw it.  It's E and Me against the world, I can do this on my own.

I'm on my own, as a single parent, I can do anything, right?  As much as I'd love to have a partner, I can accept reality and do everything I said I've always wanted to do.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Night Hike

Tonight, the moon is shining bright.  After we got home and the sun set, the moon was shining bright in the sky.  I had a thought, a night hike would be fun!  She put all of her homework away, got her backpack ready for school, I found my headlamp and off we were around the neighborhood!

We walked, roughly, a little less than half a mile out and looked down on the little city below with the moon shining bright.  It was really nice to be able to spend that time with E.  I got to learn about all of her friends more and how she's been getting into a bit of trouble at school (school hasn't been telling me, tisk, tisk).  Yet, good to know, and good to talk to her about her responsbilities.

She 'informed' me about how math and reading are the most important subjects and how they were her favorites.  I talked with her about how, yes, they are important, but that I disagree that they are the most important.  I feel that recess and art are the two most important.  You easily use reading and math in both of those areas, but that without creativity, nature, and human interaction, you can easily become bored and discouraged from any subject.  That there is a balance.

I am always amazed by how she continues to grow and change.  I am a lucky mom to have her as my daughter.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Figuring it all out

I have too many emotions and thoughts in my mind.  I had a great conversation with a close confidant that has been helping me to determine my overall thoughts.  The death of my Grandfather has hit me very hard.  It's incredibly overpowering.  The desire for kids is strong, but the overpowering desire is for a family.  How powerful the idea is to let the idea of having another child go.  How powerful the thought is to not have more children.  I have so much to think about.  I can truly say that I am on the fence wondering which way to fall.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Music Monday

Some music I've posted previously, but which explains how I feel.  Please, enjoy as I am full of many emotions today.





















I used to play this song and think of you, when you left the first time.  I don't want it to be like this.  And so I just go on, I suppose.


Sunday, August 24, 2014

Hope and Love

When you date, it seems, there is always a hope of what will happen next.  Hope of someone feeling the same about you, hope for a connection, hope for a future, defined in whatever terms of a life you wish to have.

Love and hope seem to go hand in hand.  We hope that those whom we love will be around and will want similar goals.  When it doesn't happen, it can all begin to crash around us.

I have long hoped and loved someone for many, many years.  I wished for a future, we talked about it, made plans, and then this thing called life happened.  The odd thing is that I am realizing that I will lead a life of being a single mother/spinster.

I can always seem to find someone with specific qualities, but certain ones lacking.

MBC: Nearly identical desires in life, family, children (adoption, marriages), etc, but hung up on responsibilites and life.

MR B: Could be a great father and provider, but is a drunk and would be a bad husband.

MW: Could be the great provider and would give me children, but would cheat on me left and right.

JH: Perfect in all of the flaws, effortless in that we never fight, its always a conversation, all around great person, perfect for me in every way, but two; commitment and children.

I know the perfect package isn't there.  Expecting and wishing for someone to be a father to another person's child and to want more children, to be faithful, a good provider, a great listener, someone to hold my hand and to work through problems with me.

Reality has shown me that you must make sacrifices because you can't have your cake and eat it too, it just doesn't work like that.  I'd rather be a spinster than to just settle.  I want a partner and children.  I wish life were that simple.

I no longer hope for love.  For now, I surrender.  Six months ago, I could say that I would probably be moving in, us three, progressing to a life together, and now a farce is what that hopeful dream has become.

I would easily spend the rest of my life with JH if but for those two simple yet incredibly difficult items; commitment and children.

Its odd, I can accept not having children and being a spinster, but I cannot be with someone and choose to not have children.  I will always want that with someone.

And so I close out tonight on those thoughts and memories of what could have been.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Life and Love

My Grandfather passed away in his sleep this past weekend.  He was a complicated man, one whom I love and will always love.  I had this hope I should say rather a dream, that he would dance with me at my wedding.  All those that have passed would all get a chance to congratulate me, hold me close, be there with me at the birth of my future children.  No one dies, no one truly dies.  My daughter is named after her Great, Great Grandmother and her daughter, my Great Grandmother.  Family never truly dies.  They live in us, but the loss, the eternal loss, still hits and there is a void.

In looking at older pictures of my daughter, how cute she was, how far she has come, how much she has grown, family can be many things.  I may never have a wedding and that is okay.  It is a child's dream to have the simple family only wedding inviting all of the cousins, visit with everyone, start a family, have so many children and to grow that love.

E and me against the world.  How wonderful it would be to have more children and yet, how wonderful it is for her to carry on our families names.  How wonderful it is to have pictures of her dancing with my Grandfather at my cousin's wedding, how wonderful it is to hold him dearly in my arms and to know how much he has loved me.  Family is everything.  We do not choose our family and those family members that do truly love us and cherish who we are; nothing compares to those feelings.

I'm not hurting, per se, just aching for what was hoped for and what now will never be. I know it is selfish, but you can't help but want your family to be there at the most important events in your life.  Family is all we have.  I wish to have more family, but you cannot hope, you must create your life, which is why I try to visit my family as much as possible.

I will forever love, miss, and relish in the good times that I had with him.  I'm glad I made the decision a few years back to spend as much time with my family as possible.  My cousins will reproduce, have more children and E can share in their growth.  That will be enough, because it has to be.  Sometimes we have to let go of our dreams that we thought up when we were younger because we are grown ups.  You cannot make events happen in your life just because of a dream, we all live in reality.  There's nothing like the beginning of life or the end of one to bring you ever in the present.


Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Monday, June 30, 2014

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Belated Music Monday



Beautiful song.

Friday, April 4, 2014

Someday

Someday, I may meet my partner.  I may have a husband or a wife or a long-term lover.  Someday, that person, well, we'll both choose to be with one another.  We will make plans and have a life, mixed both with our dreams and goals and make a life.  Someday, someone, will want a life with E and I.

Putting my heart out there again was hard.  It's hard to date.  I never date to just 'date' someone, there's always the end goal of a life together.  To be with someone that hadn't really thought about it, or rather to realize that he hadn't truly through of the three of us, I had to end it.  I had to put my line in the sand and prepare myself to move on.

Sometimes you have to take all of your hopes, dreams, emotions, planning, and time, bottle it all up, lock it up, and bury it in the ground.  And simply walk away.

He is the only person that I ever saw myself actually marrying and having children with.  He's the only person I ever thought I'd bring to visit my family, go to the family church, introduce him to the family at the cemetery (I know, a bit weird, but we visit our family, it's what we do).  I was planning the trip to introduce him to the most important people in my life.

My Grandmother came out to visit and made a serious joke to him, asking him when we were going to start having children.  We made a joke about it, but a feeling sunk in that I couldn't shake.  It finally came up and I talked to him about it, mind you, in a very emotional way as it hurt.  There is no child and no family in his desires.  He is still so scared of it.  I'd like to think that we could talk about it and work things out.  I guess that's the hope talking.

I've done things the past few years to enable us to transition from dating to family.  I can't express what I feel.  I usually don't date people once it is realized that E and I aren't wanted, that, it's just too much, too soon.   2-4 months is the usual and done, you're not too invested, it's easier to walk away.  He told me not to worry, that it didn't scare him, that it was scary, but that he's here. 

You cannot give someone a family just because someone wants it, you both have to want it.  I want to have another child in roughly three years.  If I never have anymore children, yes, it would break me, but I would survive it.  However, never to try, not once, to choose to not have children.  That's something that I cannot agree to.

I was afraid that this would happen again, with him.  I know that I am pushing him away, because I want more of a commitment out of him.  I want him to choose us.  Just because you want something, doesn't mean that you'll get it.  It doesn't matter how hard you work at it, it just doesn't matter.  And it's okay.  I know I'll be okay.

For now, I'll be the dutiful mother and wife, married to single motherhood.  Time to take myself out on the dates that he cancelled, the ones where I wanted to show him me.  He works crazy hours and I accepted that reality, we both work a lot.   I'm not spiteful, it's just time to accept reality and to do something for myself.

People keep saying, "you'll find someone that wants what you want" and trying to tell me where to go meet people and I just don't want to hear it.  Gosh, I think I was in my early twenties when we dated on and off again for a year ... he's been the one plaguing my heart.  When he came back, all the holes and tears dissipated as if they never existed.  I've been smiling this week because I'm deeply in love with him.  It's a wonderful feeling to know that you love someone completely and that he loves you just the same.  It pains me that we both want different things.

I've been wearing my Grandmother's ring.  It's a tradition in our family to have a diamond ring with gemstones as a woman and to pass it on to our daughters.  Her Grandmother gave it to her, she did this also to my sister.  It doesn't fit over my knuckle on my right hand, just on the left.  It's bringing me comfort as it is the only ring I've ever worn on that hand.  I have small fingers, so other rings that she has given me usually end up on a necklace.  I never had a ring when I got engaged nor when I got married.  With accepting where I want to be, it's also the best way to keep any advances at bay.  I need time for me.  I'll take the ring off when I wish, but for now, it's providing a comfort that I need.

I don't know if I'll ever marry again.  That's a trust that could only be partially won with a prenup'.  It just is.  We'll see if or when that day happens, for now I'm a great mom.

I had to tell E about him.  About how he will be moving and won't be coming by as much anymore and soon not at all.  There's more than just my own broken heart.  A few years ago I dated my former best friend.  One of the first people that I told I was pregnant and was there for me through everything.  E called him her boyfriend and then 4 months later, his ex girlfriend turned up and I was dumped.  I was a trial for family.  A few months later they were engaged.  And regardless of my heart or broken trust, E lost someone.  I swore I'd never do that to her again, I wouldn't test it again unless I knew for sure....

You can't protect your child from the pains of the world, just show her how to handle life's struggles.  He's great with her.  She still talks about him and how he has to teach her to swim again in the ocean and take us there.  How we need to go camping again.  Oh and especially how she wants to teach him how to grill burgers outside because she's a big girl and she can start the grill (he taught her how to make a fire whilst camping, I showed her how to use the burner at home, with parental supervision).

I just need her to express it and let her know that we'll see him when he is available, but that right now he's packing and busy.  I can sort of handle my heart breaking.  It's nice that it hasn't hit her yet.  He has had a wonderful and amazing impact on her life.  I hope that he will still continue.

So there I am.  I am completely in love with a man that loves me just as much as I him.  I know what I want and what I need.  He doesn't want it now, maybe not even ever.  And I need more.  I want a commitment.






Thursday, April 3, 2014

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Future

The dreams that I had ten years ago no longer apply to the person that I am now.  I still hope to finish college, but I also realize that it is not necessary.  I have completed upper education, but not fully the degree.  There's always food to put on the table, utilities, even rent, just to name a few.

The reasons I started this blog; to write about my trials at a simple life, well, they've become muddled.

I do not know what I want nor who I am.  It sounds weird to say out loud.  But how many people can say that they love who they are and what they do?  How can you know who you are if you cannot love yourself?  How can you know where you are going if you do not love what you do?

I am not happy in the life that I have created, and yet, I have smiled nearly all day long.  It is surreal.  Realizing the short comings of my relationship with him as well as where I fail in communicating ... it opened a door to my soul.  I have cried and born my soul completely to him, telling him things that I normally hold deeply close to my being, terrified of anyone able to see.

I have lived a life so scared.  So unbelievably terrified of my own voice.  E taught me how to speak up for myself.  You cannot speak up for a child without also learning how to do it for yourself.  Acting out and screaming when you're upset is childish, but to be able to vocalize in a clear and concise manner what it is that you are experiencing and needing.... well that's hard.  There's no other way around it.  I have a difficult time expressing what I want and need.

I have spent nearly a decade focused on one individual.  I had a plan, I had a plan for how this will all work out, how I will raise her, how her father will act, how incorporating another person into our lives will work, how I will go to school, where I will go to school, what we will eat, where we will shop....  Gosh I could go on and on about this.

It hit me with a ton of bricks, right in the kisser, knocking all the wind out of my life.  My plans are bullshit.  Just an attempt to control the chaos and fears that I have of the future.  That I feel that I am not a good enough mother as those that have husbands/partners there to aid in child rearing, that I am making bad decisions about myself because I am unable to afford the simple pleasures in life (simple like clothes that fit properly), that I am scared that I have to tell E no about the activities that she wants to join.

I am an emotional person torn into many directions, with many interests, unsure of what will ever be 'good enough' if I will ever be good enough.

Will anyone ever love me completely?  Will I ever be good enough for someone's love?

Those two questions are directly from my marriage.  They have plagued my many relationships.

I thought, and felt, that if I divorced him, left him, purged him, purged any record of our marriage from the church, that I would be then free of him.  That if I followed the plan for how this would work that I would somehow be able to escape and heal the pains in my heart.

I realized, again, it's all bullshit.

I am a great mom, because I do it every day and have for years.  I teach her many things, and she is secure and happy.  She has her moments, every child does, but she KNOWS that no matter what, that I am here for her.  I will support her and care for her. Period.  That's something I never understood as a child.  The fear that I will be them, has saved me and has taught me how to be a great mom.  It's something that I have always wanted, partially, in a way to flip the bird to those that hurt me, and partially, because of what I do know a family can be.

Regardless of family, there are so many versions.  Now, a painful question that has taunted me for years has been whether E and I are good enough to be defined as a family.  Good enough in my mind.  And regardless of my plan with the white picket fence, partner, and many many children,.... that plan is BS.

E and I are good enough.  We are a strong family with many close friends and those I consider family members, there, helping.  They aren't any substitute for a partner, but they are great in comparison to what I once had.

Getting a final piece of paper from the church annulling our marriage won't make me clear of him.  To be clear of him, I just need to move on with my life and be happy.  I am good enough.  I have been doing a great job raising E without him being around as well as without his support.  It doesn't matter what he thinks or does and I don't need to fight with him on this.  I Just need to support E.  That prove it enough.

We have been broken up for years.  He may still wish to control me, but so what?  What can he do?  Not much, if anything at all.

My plan was the foundation of my entire life thus far and now I feel free.

I feel I've been detoxing for far too long, unaware how much he had seeded his toxin into my being.  I feel like I'm purging and it's bringing out all of the flaws that I am.

It brought up the flaws in my relationship, the fears that I had been attempting to slowly bring up and work out, the fears of everything not lining up.  Fears of motherhood, of just being good enough.  I need to give myself a break on being good enough.  I am just fine, everyone has their flaws and regardless of my own standards, I need to take a chill pill.

So those are my thoughts for the day.

I hope to discover my new dreams now that I am free to figure them out.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Eleven Minutes

"It's true that we only know each other when we come up against our own limits, but it's wrong too, because it isn't necessary to know everything about ourselves; human beings weren't made solely to go in search of wisdom, but also to plough the land, wait for rain, plant the wheat, harvest the grain, make the bread.

I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved. I'm a housewife and a prostitute, both of us living in the same body and doing battle with each other.

The meeting of these two women is a game with serious risks. A divine dance. When we meet, we are two divine energies, two universes colliding. If the meeting is not carried out with due reverence, one universe destroys the other." 
(Page 163-164).

Quote from Eleven Minutes, by Paulo Coelho.

I can relate highly to this novel.  I am not a prostitute like the protagonist, however, I can highly relate to her treatment of men and sexuality.  I have gone awry in my life and explored many facets of my sexuality, the depravity of it all....  Yet, the desire for true passion and love whilst in embrace....having experienced it, nothing compares.

As she states towards the middle of the novel;

“He should know that the great aim of every human being is to understand the meaning of total love. Love is else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken it. But in order to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with.” (Page 125).

Everything else can get muddled, and the confusion of the two souls of duty and honour of motherhood along with who I am as a person are ever at ends.  Yet, love, passion, ... the simple act of his touch on the skin of your hand, just to hold it and to say hello.  Not much can compare.

I am deeply conflicted.  However, I need to figure out what I want and in a way, teach my daughter, how you strive for your goals.  That there is more to life than just the daily duty/daily grind, that there is so much more to the world, so much more to who you are and can be as a person.

I recommend, looking up the author as well as the book, as he paints pictures of the deepest corners of your soul, exposing universal fears.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Single Motherhood Status

Most of my friends cannot relate to what it is like as a single mother.  The criticism of why I didn't finish putting the laundry away and how it's sitting on the couch or in a pile on the floor when they come over to visit...it's a painful one.  They don't mean ill-will, but you have no idea all of the responsibilities and short amount of time I have and how little of it I have for myself.  It may sound selfish, but if you look at normal single people, their entire lives are selfish.  That isn't meant as an attack, it's just a reality.  You get to do what you want to do, there's nothing wrong with that.  However, when you are a single parent, you don't get a five minute break from your partner watching your child, you're alone. 

You get to play the toys, go on all the hikes, do all of the carpooling and pickups, all of the teacher parent conferences, all of the clothes buying, groceries, etc, etc, etc. And it is taxing.  I had a hope, recently, that I would have someone to share these responsibilities with and I feel that I put too much pressure on that hope, in my mind.

There's no denying that I want children, but there's so much more that I desire in a relationship.  I want a family.  I want someone to come home to where there's an adult conversation.  Someone that desires me and only me (vice versa).  I want a partner that will throw E into the air and read her stories before bedtime.  That will help with taking her to school so that I can go to work.

It's incredibly hurtful as a single parent when your family cannot help you out but expects so much more from you.  My sister....  My mother would go over to her place (just ten steps away), sleep on her couch, get her daughter ready for school and take her to school every Friday.  But when I lived with her, she would never do that for me.  My sister is married.  She has a partner, but as a single parent, I chose to leave my partner, therefore I have to deal with the burden.

Any little criticism is difficult for me, now constructive criticism there to help and provide ideas to help with organization, is always appreciated.  I have a hard time with people calling me a good mother mostly because I know of all my short comings.

When I date, pretty much everyone thinks that I'm attempting to find a father figure for my daughter.  That is far from the truth.  Yes, if things get serious, I want to know if you will be a good person towards her and treat her well and could possibly be a partner in helping with childrearing, but she has a father figure, it's her father.  Now, her father is absent, cancels last minute, and is irregular and denies child support any time he can.  That is her reality.  That will teach her many things over the years.  No one can replace that for her.  No one else can be that for her.  And to think that she must have that in order to grow up and be a healthy child, it hurts.

To say things like, oh she really needs a dad in her life.  She deserves better than that.  She's a good kid.  Even kids with dad's around act out and have similar issues.  She isn't tainted because her father isn't around.  She's a kid.  I cannot protect her from the societal onslaught, but I can try by preparing her for it.  I talk with her about these things.

I want a family and I have always wanted more children.  It is hard for me to be around my sister mostly because her daughters are quite adorable and I'd love to be able to have more.  I have always wanted to be a mother and to have a caring and loving partner.  However, I cannot accomplish the second task alone.

After leaving E's dad and subsequently divorcing him, there has been a void.  The void of someone to come home to that gets you, every day, that looks forward to seeing you.  My entire marriage wasn't terrible, but it ended catastrophically.  There's no denying that.  I wanted to be able to have that again without all of the violence and emotional abuse.

I've been dealing with the reality that my immediate family will only consist of E and I.  And is that okay?  It doesn't matter how much I want more, it has to be okay and I have to find creative ways to make it okay.  It's just hard.  I thought I could've had more, I let someone in, in a way that most don't get a chance.  It's oddly freeing.

Being with someone that doesn't want more children while I still have fertile years left, well, it shakes my core.  Not being with someone while fertile, I can accept single motherhood status in a different light.  I just wanted something more.  I want what my Grandparents had, at least what I saw them have.  They had their own issues, everyone does, no marriage, no relationship is perfect.  After their ups and downs, they still loved each other unconditionally.

I want a partner and I'd love more children.  No matter what people say about how you're a great catch and you'll find someone.  It isn't about all the fish in the sea, it's the one that makes your heart sing just by the smell of him and how he gets you, surprises you, remember your favourite flower after all these years, kisses you, teaches E new things, and never makes you feel terrible or f'd up as a single mother, but as a wondrous status symbol to be cherished.

Someday, it may happen, but I have my doubts.  I've been put through the ringer too many times.  My heart isn't breaking, it was healed and I'm still in love and it's going to take time.  I love E and I want what's best for her, so hopefully I can find a partner that will love my family and vice versa to the point where we want to be a family together.

Someday.

This book also explains a lot of us single mothers and the struggles we face.


http://7riskssinglemothers.blogspot.com/