Monday, March 31, 2014

Eleven Minutes

"It's true that we only know each other when we come up against our own limits, but it's wrong too, because it isn't necessary to know everything about ourselves; human beings weren't made solely to go in search of wisdom, but also to plough the land, wait for rain, plant the wheat, harvest the grain, make the bread.

I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved. I'm a housewife and a prostitute, both of us living in the same body and doing battle with each other.

The meeting of these two women is a game with serious risks. A divine dance. When we meet, we are two divine energies, two universes colliding. If the meeting is not carried out with due reverence, one universe destroys the other." 
(Page 163-164).

Quote from Eleven Minutes, by Paulo Coelho.

I can relate highly to this novel.  I am not a prostitute like the protagonist, however, I can highly relate to her treatment of men and sexuality.  I have gone awry in my life and explored many facets of my sexuality, the depravity of it all....  Yet, the desire for true passion and love whilst in embrace....having experienced it, nothing compares.

As she states towards the middle of the novel;

“He should know that the great aim of every human being is to understand the meaning of total love. Love is else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken it. But in order to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with.” (Page 125).

Everything else can get muddled, and the confusion of the two souls of duty and honour of motherhood along with who I am as a person are ever at ends.  Yet, love, passion, ... the simple act of his touch on the skin of your hand, just to hold it and to say hello.  Not much can compare.

I am deeply conflicted.  However, I need to figure out what I want and in a way, teach my daughter, how you strive for your goals.  That there is more to life than just the daily duty/daily grind, that there is so much more to the world, so much more to who you are and can be as a person.

I recommend, looking up the author as well as the book, as he paints pictures of the deepest corners of your soul, exposing universal fears.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Single Motherhood Status

Most of my friends cannot relate to what it is like as a single mother.  The criticism of why I didn't finish putting the laundry away and how it's sitting on the couch or in a pile on the floor when they come over to's a painful one.  They don't mean ill-will, but you have no idea all of the responsibilities and short amount of time I have and how little of it I have for myself.  It may sound selfish, but if you look at normal single people, their entire lives are selfish.  That isn't meant as an attack, it's just a reality.  You get to do what you want to do, there's nothing wrong with that.  However, when you are a single parent, you don't get a five minute break from your partner watching your child, you're alone. 

You get to play the toys, go on all the hikes, do all of the carpooling and pickups, all of the teacher parent conferences, all of the clothes buying, groceries, etc, etc, etc. And it is taxing.  I had a hope, recently, that I would have someone to share these responsibilities with and I feel that I put too much pressure on that hope, in my mind.

There's no denying that I want children, but there's so much more that I desire in a relationship.  I want a family.  I want someone to come home to where there's an adult conversation.  Someone that desires me and only me (vice versa).  I want a partner that will throw E into the air and read her stories before bedtime.  That will help with taking her to school so that I can go to work.

It's incredibly hurtful as a single parent when your family cannot help you out but expects so much more from you.  My sister....  My mother would go over to her place (just ten steps away), sleep on her couch, get her daughter ready for school and take her to school every Friday.  But when I lived with her, she would never do that for me.  My sister is married.  She has a partner, but as a single parent, I chose to leave my partner, therefore I have to deal with the burden.

Any little criticism is difficult for me, now constructive criticism there to help and provide ideas to help with organization, is always appreciated.  I have a hard time with people calling me a good mother mostly because I know of all my short comings.

When I date, pretty much everyone thinks that I'm attempting to find a father figure for my daughter.  That is far from the truth.  Yes, if things get serious, I want to know if you will be a good person towards her and treat her well and could possibly be a partner in helping with childrearing, but she has a father figure, it's her father.  Now, her father is absent, cancels last minute, and is irregular and denies child support any time he can.  That is her reality.  That will teach her many things over the years.  No one can replace that for her.  No one else can be that for her.  And to think that she must have that in order to grow up and be a healthy child, it hurts.

To say things like, oh she really needs a dad in her life.  She deserves better than that.  She's a good kid.  Even kids with dad's around act out and have similar issues.  She isn't tainted because her father isn't around.  She's a kid.  I cannot protect her from the societal onslaught, but I can try by preparing her for it.  I talk with her about these things.

I want a family and I have always wanted more children.  It is hard for me to be around my sister mostly because her daughters are quite adorable and I'd love to be able to have more.  I have always wanted to be a mother and to have a caring and loving partner.  However, I cannot accomplish the second task alone.

After leaving E's dad and subsequently divorcing him, there has been a void.  The void of someone to come home to that gets you, every day, that looks forward to seeing you.  My entire marriage wasn't terrible, but it ended catastrophically.  There's no denying that.  I wanted to be able to have that again without all of the violence and emotional abuse.

I've been dealing with the reality that my immediate family will only consist of E and I.  And is that okay?  It doesn't matter how much I want more, it has to be okay and I have to find creative ways to make it okay.  It's just hard.  I thought I could've had more, I let someone in, in a way that most don't get a chance.  It's oddly freeing.

Being with someone that doesn't want more children while I still have fertile years left, well, it shakes my core.  Not being with someone while fertile, I can accept single motherhood status in a different light.  I just wanted something more.  I want what my Grandparents had, at least what I saw them have.  They had their own issues, everyone does, no marriage, no relationship is perfect.  After their ups and downs, they still loved each other unconditionally.

I want a partner and I'd love more children.  No matter what people say about how you're a great catch and you'll find someone.  It isn't about all the fish in the sea, it's the one that makes your heart sing just by the smell of him and how he gets you, surprises you, remember your favourite flower after all these years, kisses you, teaches E new things, and never makes you feel terrible or f'd up as a single mother, but as a wondrous status symbol to be cherished.

Someday, it may happen, but I have my doubts.  I've been put through the ringer too many times.  My heart isn't breaking, it was healed and I'm still in love and it's going to take time.  I love E and I want what's best for her, so hopefully I can find a partner that will love my family and vice versa to the point where we want to be a family together.


This book also explains a lot of us single mothers and the struggles we face.

Friday, March 28, 2014


A husband/wife, children, a white picket fence, with Saturday BBQ's, Friday Fish Fry's, Sunday dinners, and Family Nights with school plays, and babies, cute tasty babies running around; Family.  I would have waited for you if we could have had that.  I would have waited a life time if we could have had it together.

Someone either loves me but doesn't want to be a father to "someone else's child" or can't be a step parent.  Or is emotionally abusive and screwed up, or is just a fling, or has no idea how to love but could give me everything I wanted, but would always cheat on me, or is already married and I'm just finding out, or is using me to cheat on someone else, man I've been through the ringer.  Yet you.  You get me in every way.  We never yell when we fight, we don't even fight when we disagree.  You could be the step-dad, but you don't want a family nor more children.  Three years total and that's that.

3 Years

Yeah time can move so fast
Somethings aren't made to last
So here's to you, my dear old friend
From way back when

Yeah, those will be the days that I'll be missing
When I'm old and when I'm grey or when I stop working
I hope that I can say when all my days are done

That I had my fun

Monday, March 10, 2014

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Music For Today

I feel like coming out of the woodwork these days.  I've gone through a hell recently of a private nature.  There was a long custody battle without any sides being happy with the scenarios.  In either case it has pushed me in ways beyond what I could truly ever imagine.

I thought that in leaving my ex husband was the hardest thing that I could have ever done.  I lost who I was to someone else and the fear of it ever happening again keep me up at night.  I worry that I am pathetic and not worthy.  These words were spoken to me on a constant and daily basis for well over two years, still to this day.  The last conversation that I had with my ex husband; he called me a c***, B***, and even worse things over and over again.  You have to have tough skin to handle a terrible person like that.

And yet even worse, the treatment of my young daughter.  Legally, and morally, there are few things that can be done.  I push myself to be a good mother, to instill in E a sense of purpose.  She doesn't have to tolerate the poor behavior and that it is okay to talk about what happens.  I know I am being vague, but alas, this is a blog. I wish to share, but at the same time remain private.

Legally, the battle there has been waged and is done, for now, but with things the way they are becoming, I see us being back again.  It is a fear of mine that all the work that has been done, will all be undone by someone that just doesn't realize his inabilities and his refusal to get help will cause even more damage on their relationship.

In the midst of all of this, there is a man, a man that I am deeply in love with.  Someone that I cherish and can have such a difficult time expressing how I feel to him.  We have our own demons between us, most of which we have both destroyed together.  He is the person that compliments all of the weirdness that I am.  He holds me close when I am scared, when I cry, and just simply holds my hand without having to say a word he comforts me in every way.  He came back to me.

With everything in my life that is going on.... the chaos of it all, he can sit next to me and I will begin to calm down.  He is a rock.

I have always felt as though I am alone in this life, in caring for E, protecting her and yet now.  Now, I feel like there is a shift happening, one that scares me to my core.  This love that I have for him grows in me every day, in every part of my being.  It scares me to love someone so deeply.  He is great with E and we three are spending more time together.  It will be 2 years in roughly one month, 3ish years if you count the first time as well.

I am older and I have different expectations than when I was younger.  I don't trust easily.  Never blind trust.  Trust is earned but at the same time it is something that never fully is allowed.  I don't know how to trust fully and to let someone in.  It is terrifying how deeply I feel for him and where my hopes of our future.  When he texted me out of the blue; it was a shock to say the least!  Everything else stopped.  Nothing else mattered at that moment.  It was him.  My heart, no matter the pain from before, it was him, it was time for closure.  And then, meeting him again, talking, his smell next to mine, his openness....  I love him.  I've loved him for years, I never could stop.  Everyone was compared to him, and no one ever measured up.

I have never had this with anyone before and I'm always wondering, when is the floor going to get pulled out from under me?  When is he going to flip out?  When is there going to be that inevitable fight that breaks us?  When is he going to get drunk and punch a hole in the wall next to my head (like others before) or belittle me to the point to where I feel that I am beyond worthless?  How does this man always speak so kindly to me?  Treating me so well?  Have a simple discussion about the future in a calm voice, all the while with emotions all over the place?  Discuss how our different parenting styles are and our fears for the future and still feel like we are both on solid ground?  When is the ball going to drop?

I am always looking for the bad to see, am I missing a sign?  I never want to be in the terribly verbal and abusive relationship that I have had before.  I am scared that I will miss it and somehow be back where I once was.  I don't think that fear will ever go away and if it does, it will be a magical day.  We have our issues, don't get me wrong, no relationship is perfect.  He's him.  He is that special someone.

Whether my fears become realized or whether the BS of it all is too much for him to handle...he is that special person for me.