Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Music For Today


I feel like coming out of the woodwork these days.  I've gone through a hell recently of a private nature.  There was a long custody battle without any sides being happy with the scenarios.  In either case it has pushed me in ways beyond what I could truly ever imagine.

I thought that in leaving my ex husband was the hardest thing that I could have ever done.  I lost who I was to someone else and the fear of it ever happening again keep me up at night.  I worry that I am pathetic and not worthy.  These words were spoken to me on a constant and daily basis for well over two years, still to this day.  The last conversation that I had with my ex husband; he called me a c***, B***, and even worse things over and over again.  You have to have tough skin to handle a terrible person like that.

And yet even worse, the treatment of my young daughter.  Legally, and morally, there are few things that can be done.  I push myself to be a good mother, to instill in E a sense of purpose.  She doesn't have to tolerate the poor behavior and that it is okay to talk about what happens.  I know I am being vague, but alas, this is a blog. I wish to share, but at the same time remain private.

Legally, the battle there has been waged and is done, for now, but with things the way they are becoming, I see us being back again.  It is a fear of mine that all the work that has been done, will all be undone by someone that just doesn't realize his inabilities and his refusal to get help will cause even more damage on their relationship.

In the midst of all of this, there is a man, a man that I am deeply in love with.  Someone that I cherish and can have such a difficult time expressing how I feel to him.  We have our own demons between us, most of which we have both destroyed together.  He is the person that compliments all of the weirdness that I am.  He holds me close when I am scared, when I cry, and just simply holds my hand without having to say a word he comforts me in every way.  He came back to me.

With everything in my life that is going on.... the chaos of it all, he can sit next to me and I will begin to calm down.  He is a rock.

I have always felt as though I am alone in this life, in caring for E, protecting her and yet now.  Now, I feel like there is a shift happening, one that scares me to my core.  This love that I have for him grows in me every day, in every part of my being.  It scares me to love someone so deeply.  He is great with E and we three are spending more time together.  It will be 2 years in roughly one month, 3ish years if you count the first time as well.

I am older and I have different expectations than when I was younger.  I don't trust easily.  Never blind trust.  Trust is earned but at the same time it is something that never fully is allowed.  I don't know how to trust fully and to let someone in.  It is terrifying how deeply I feel for him and where my hopes of our future.  When he texted me out of the blue; it was a shock to say the least!  Everything else stopped.  Nothing else mattered at that moment.  It was him.  My heart, no matter the pain from before, it was him, it was time for closure.  And then, meeting him again, talking, his smell next to mine, his openness....  I love him.  I've loved him for years, I never could stop.  Everyone was compared to him, and no one ever measured up.

I have never had this with anyone before and I'm always wondering, when is the floor going to get pulled out from under me?  When is he going to flip out?  When is there going to be that inevitable fight that breaks us?  When is he going to get drunk and punch a hole in the wall next to my head (like others before) or belittle me to the point to where I feel that I am beyond worthless?  How does this man always speak so kindly to me?  Treating me so well?  Have a simple discussion about the future in a calm voice, all the while with emotions all over the place?  Discuss how our different parenting styles are and our fears for the future and still feel like we are both on solid ground?  When is the ball going to drop?

I am always looking for the bad to see, am I missing a sign?  I never want to be in the terribly verbal and abusive relationship that I have had before.  I am scared that I will miss it and somehow be back where I once was.  I don't think that fear will ever go away and if it does, it will be a magical day.  We have our issues, don't get me wrong, no relationship is perfect.  He's him.  He is that special someone.


Whether my fears become realized or whether the BS of it all is too much for him to handle...he is that special person for me. 

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