Friday, April 4, 2014

Someday

Someday, I may meet my partner.  I may have a husband or a wife or a long-term lover.  Someday, that person, well, we'll both choose to be with one another.  We will make plans and have a life, mixed both with our dreams and goals and make a life.  Someday, someone, will want a life with E and I.

Putting my heart out there again was hard.  It's hard to date.  I never date to just 'date' someone, there's always the end goal of a life together.  To be with someone that hadn't really thought about it, or rather to realize that he hadn't truly through of the three of us, I had to end it.  I had to put my line in the sand and prepare myself to move on.

Sometimes you have to take all of your hopes, dreams, emotions, planning, and time, bottle it all up, lock it up, and bury it in the ground.  And simply walk away.

He is the only person that I ever saw myself actually marrying and having children with.  He's the only person I ever thought I'd bring to visit my family, go to the family church, introduce him to the family at the cemetery (I know, a bit weird, but we visit our family, it's what we do).  I was planning the trip to introduce him to the most important people in my life.

My Grandmother came out to visit and made a serious joke to him, asking him when we were going to start having children.  We made a joke about it, but a feeling sunk in that I couldn't shake.  It finally came up and I talked to him about it, mind you, in a very emotional way as it hurt.  There is no child and no family in his desires.  He is still so scared of it.  I'd like to think that we could talk about it and work things out.  I guess that's the hope talking.

I've done things the past few years to enable us to transition from dating to family.  I can't express what I feel.  I usually don't date people once it is realized that E and I aren't wanted, that, it's just too much, too soon.   2-4 months is the usual and done, you're not too invested, it's easier to walk away.  He told me not to worry, that it didn't scare him, that it was scary, but that he's here. 

You cannot give someone a family just because someone wants it, you both have to want it.  I want to have another child in roughly three years.  If I never have anymore children, yes, it would break me, but I would survive it.  However, never to try, not once, to choose to not have children.  That's something that I cannot agree to.

I was afraid that this would happen again, with him.  I know that I am pushing him away, because I want more of a commitment out of him.  I want him to choose us.  Just because you want something, doesn't mean that you'll get it.  It doesn't matter how hard you work at it, it just doesn't matter.  And it's okay.  I know I'll be okay.

For now, I'll be the dutiful mother and wife, married to single motherhood.  Time to take myself out on the dates that he cancelled, the ones where I wanted to show him me.  He works crazy hours and I accepted that reality, we both work a lot.   I'm not spiteful, it's just time to accept reality and to do something for myself.

People keep saying, "you'll find someone that wants what you want" and trying to tell me where to go meet people and I just don't want to hear it.  Gosh, I think I was in my early twenties when we dated on and off again for a year ... he's been the one plaguing my heart.  When he came back, all the holes and tears dissipated as if they never existed.  I've been smiling this week because I'm deeply in love with him.  It's a wonderful feeling to know that you love someone completely and that he loves you just the same.  It pains me that we both want different things.

I've been wearing my Grandmother's ring.  It's a tradition in our family to have a diamond ring with gemstones as a woman and to pass it on to our daughters.  Her Grandmother gave it to her, she did this also to my sister.  It doesn't fit over my knuckle on my right hand, just on the left.  It's bringing me comfort as it is the only ring I've ever worn on that hand.  I have small fingers, so other rings that she has given me usually end up on a necklace.  I never had a ring when I got engaged nor when I got married.  With accepting where I want to be, it's also the best way to keep any advances at bay.  I need time for me.  I'll take the ring off when I wish, but for now, it's providing a comfort that I need.

I don't know if I'll ever marry again.  That's a trust that could only be partially won with a prenup'.  It just is.  We'll see if or when that day happens, for now I'm a great mom.

I had to tell E about him.  About how he will be moving and won't be coming by as much anymore and soon not at all.  There's more than just my own broken heart.  A few years ago I dated my former best friend.  One of the first people that I told I was pregnant and was there for me through everything.  E called him her boyfriend and then 4 months later, his ex girlfriend turned up and I was dumped.  I was a trial for family.  A few months later they were engaged.  And regardless of my heart or broken trust, E lost someone.  I swore I'd never do that to her again, I wouldn't test it again unless I knew for sure....

You can't protect your child from the pains of the world, just show her how to handle life's struggles.  He's great with her.  She still talks about him and how he has to teach her to swim again in the ocean and take us there.  How we need to go camping again.  Oh and especially how she wants to teach him how to grill burgers outside because she's a big girl and she can start the grill (he taught her how to make a fire whilst camping, I showed her how to use the burner at home, with parental supervision).

I just need her to express it and let her know that we'll see him when he is available, but that right now he's packing and busy.  I can sort of handle my heart breaking.  It's nice that it hasn't hit her yet.  He has had a wonderful and amazing impact on her life.  I hope that he will still continue.

So there I am.  I am completely in love with a man that loves me just as much as I him.  I know what I want and what I need.  He doesn't want it now, maybe not even ever.  And I need more.  I want a commitment.






Thursday, April 3, 2014

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Future

The dreams that I had ten years ago no longer apply to the person that I am now.  I still hope to finish college, but I also realize that it is not necessary.  I have completed upper education, but not fully the degree.  There's always food to put on the table, utilities, even rent, just to name a few.

The reasons I started this blog; to write about my trials at a simple life, well, they've become muddled.

I do not know what I want nor who I am.  It sounds weird to say out loud.  But how many people can say that they love who they are and what they do?  How can you know who you are if you cannot love yourself?  How can you know where you are going if you do not love what you do?

I am not happy in the life that I have created, and yet, I have smiled nearly all day long.  It is surreal.  Realizing the short comings of my relationship with him as well as where I fail in communicating ... it opened a door to my soul.  I have cried and born my soul completely to him, telling him things that I normally hold deeply close to my being, terrified of anyone able to see.

I have lived a life so scared.  So unbelievably terrified of my own voice.  E taught me how to speak up for myself.  You cannot speak up for a child without also learning how to do it for yourself.  Acting out and screaming when you're upset is childish, but to be able to vocalize in a clear and concise manner what it is that you are experiencing and needing.... well that's hard.  There's no other way around it.  I have a difficult time expressing what I want and need.

I have spent nearly a decade focused on one individual.  I had a plan, I had a plan for how this will all work out, how I will raise her, how her father will act, how incorporating another person into our lives will work, how I will go to school, where I will go to school, what we will eat, where we will shop....  Gosh I could go on and on about this.

It hit me with a ton of bricks, right in the kisser, knocking all the wind out of my life.  My plans are bullshit.  Just an attempt to control the chaos and fears that I have of the future.  That I feel that I am not a good enough mother as those that have husbands/partners there to aid in child rearing, that I am making bad decisions about myself because I am unable to afford the simple pleasures in life (simple like clothes that fit properly), that I am scared that I have to tell E no about the activities that she wants to join.

I am an emotional person torn into many directions, with many interests, unsure of what will ever be 'good enough' if I will ever be good enough.

Will anyone ever love me completely?  Will I ever be good enough for someone's love?

Those two questions are directly from my marriage.  They have plagued my many relationships.

I thought, and felt, that if I divorced him, left him, purged him, purged any record of our marriage from the church, that I would be then free of him.  That if I followed the plan for how this would work that I would somehow be able to escape and heal the pains in my heart.

I realized, again, it's all bullshit.

I am a great mom, because I do it every day and have for years.  I teach her many things, and she is secure and happy.  She has her moments, every child does, but she KNOWS that no matter what, that I am here for her.  I will support her and care for her. Period.  That's something I never understood as a child.  The fear that I will be them, has saved me and has taught me how to be a great mom.  It's something that I have always wanted, partially, in a way to flip the bird to those that hurt me, and partially, because of what I do know a family can be.

Regardless of family, there are so many versions.  Now, a painful question that has taunted me for years has been whether E and I are good enough to be defined as a family.  Good enough in my mind.  And regardless of my plan with the white picket fence, partner, and many many children,.... that plan is BS.

E and I are good enough.  We are a strong family with many close friends and those I consider family members, there, helping.  They aren't any substitute for a partner, but they are great in comparison to what I once had.

Getting a final piece of paper from the church annulling our marriage won't make me clear of him.  To be clear of him, I just need to move on with my life and be happy.  I am good enough.  I have been doing a great job raising E without him being around as well as without his support.  It doesn't matter what he thinks or does and I don't need to fight with him on this.  I Just need to support E.  That prove it enough.

We have been broken up for years.  He may still wish to control me, but so what?  What can he do?  Not much, if anything at all.

My plan was the foundation of my entire life thus far and now I feel free.

I feel I've been detoxing for far too long, unaware how much he had seeded his toxin into my being.  I feel like I'm purging and it's bringing out all of the flaws that I am.

It brought up the flaws in my relationship, the fears that I had been attempting to slowly bring up and work out, the fears of everything not lining up.  Fears of motherhood, of just being good enough.  I need to give myself a break on being good enough.  I am just fine, everyone has their flaws and regardless of my own standards, I need to take a chill pill.

So those are my thoughts for the day.

I hope to discover my new dreams now that I am free to figure them out.