Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Future

The dreams that I had ten years ago no longer apply to the person that I am now.  I still hope to finish college, but I also realize that it is not necessary.  I have completed upper education, but not fully the degree.  There's always food to put on the table, utilities, even rent, just to name a few.

The reasons I started this blog; to write about my trials at a simple life, well, they've become muddled.

I do not know what I want nor who I am.  It sounds weird to say out loud.  But how many people can say that they love who they are and what they do?  How can you know who you are if you cannot love yourself?  How can you know where you are going if you do not love what you do?

I am not happy in the life that I have created, and yet, I have smiled nearly all day long.  It is surreal.  Realizing the short comings of my relationship with him as well as where I fail in communicating ... it opened a door to my soul.  I have cried and born my soul completely to him, telling him things that I normally hold deeply close to my being, terrified of anyone able to see.

I have lived a life so scared.  So unbelievably terrified of my own voice.  E taught me how to speak up for myself.  You cannot speak up for a child without also learning how to do it for yourself.  Acting out and screaming when you're upset is childish, but to be able to vocalize in a clear and concise manner what it is that you are experiencing and needing.... well that's hard.  There's no other way around it.  I have a difficult time expressing what I want and need.

I have spent nearly a decade focused on one individual.  I had a plan, I had a plan for how this will all work out, how I will raise her, how her father will act, how incorporating another person into our lives will work, how I will go to school, where I will go to school, what we will eat, where we will shop....  Gosh I could go on and on about this.

It hit me with a ton of bricks, right in the kisser, knocking all the wind out of my life.  My plans are bullshit.  Just an attempt to control the chaos and fears that I have of the future.  That I feel that I am not a good enough mother as those that have husbands/partners there to aid in child rearing, that I am making bad decisions about myself because I am unable to afford the simple pleasures in life (simple like clothes that fit properly), that I am scared that I have to tell E no about the activities that she wants to join.

I am an emotional person torn into many directions, with many interests, unsure of what will ever be 'good enough' if I will ever be good enough.

Will anyone ever love me completely?  Will I ever be good enough for someone's love?

Those two questions are directly from my marriage.  They have plagued my many relationships.

I thought, and felt, that if I divorced him, left him, purged him, purged any record of our marriage from the church, that I would be then free of him.  That if I followed the plan for how this would work that I would somehow be able to escape and heal the pains in my heart.

I realized, again, it's all bullshit.

I am a great mom, because I do it every day and have for years.  I teach her many things, and she is secure and happy.  She has her moments, every child does, but she KNOWS that no matter what, that I am here for her.  I will support her and care for her. Period.  That's something I never understood as a child.  The fear that I will be them, has saved me and has taught me how to be a great mom.  It's something that I have always wanted, partially, in a way to flip the bird to those that hurt me, and partially, because of what I do know a family can be.

Regardless of family, there are so many versions.  Now, a painful question that has taunted me for years has been whether E and I are good enough to be defined as a family.  Good enough in my mind.  And regardless of my plan with the white picket fence, partner, and many many children,.... that plan is BS.

E and I are good enough.  We are a strong family with many close friends and those I consider family members, there, helping.  They aren't any substitute for a partner, but they are great in comparison to what I once had.

Getting a final piece of paper from the church annulling our marriage won't make me clear of him.  To be clear of him, I just need to move on with my life and be happy.  I am good enough.  I have been doing a great job raising E without him being around as well as without his support.  It doesn't matter what he thinks or does and I don't need to fight with him on this.  I Just need to support E.  That prove it enough.

We have been broken up for years.  He may still wish to control me, but so what?  What can he do?  Not much, if anything at all.

My plan was the foundation of my entire life thus far and now I feel free.

I feel I've been detoxing for far too long, unaware how much he had seeded his toxin into my being.  I feel like I'm purging and it's bringing out all of the flaws that I am.

It brought up the flaws in my relationship, the fears that I had been attempting to slowly bring up and work out, the fears of everything not lining up.  Fears of motherhood, of just being good enough.  I need to give myself a break on being good enough.  I am just fine, everyone has their flaws and regardless of my own standards, I need to take a chill pill.

So those are my thoughts for the day.

I hope to discover my new dreams now that I am free to figure them out.

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