Friday, April 4, 2014

Someday

Someday, I may meet my partner.  I may have a husband or a wife or a long-term lover.  Someday, that person, well, we'll both choose to be with one another.  We will make plans and have a life, mixed both with our dreams and goals and make a life.  Someday, someone, will want a life with E and I.

Putting my heart out there again was hard.  It's hard to date.  I never date to just 'date' someone, there's always the end goal of a life together.  To be with someone that hadn't really thought about it, or rather to realize that he hadn't truly through of the three of us, I had to end it.  I had to put my line in the sand and prepare myself to move on.

Sometimes you have to take all of your hopes, dreams, emotions, planning, and time, bottle it all up, lock it up, and bury it in the ground.  And simply walk away.

He is the only person that I ever saw myself actually marrying and having children with.  He's the only person I ever thought I'd bring to visit my family, go to the family church, introduce him to the family at the cemetery (I know, a bit weird, but we visit our family, it's what we do).  I was planning the trip to introduce him to the most important people in my life.

My Grandmother came out to visit and made a serious joke to him, asking him when we were going to start having children.  We made a joke about it, but a feeling sunk in that I couldn't shake.  It finally came up and I talked to him about it, mind you, in a very emotional way as it hurt.  There is no child and no family in his desires.  He is still so scared of it.  I'd like to think that we could talk about it and work things out.  I guess that's the hope talking.

I've done things the past few years to enable us to transition from dating to family.  I can't express what I feel.  I usually don't date people once it is realized that E and I aren't wanted, that, it's just too much, too soon.   2-4 months is the usual and done, you're not too invested, it's easier to walk away.  He told me not to worry, that it didn't scare him, that it was scary, but that he's here. 

You cannot give someone a family just because someone wants it, you both have to want it.  I want to have another child in roughly three years.  If I never have anymore children, yes, it would break me, but I would survive it.  However, never to try, not once, to choose to not have children.  That's something that I cannot agree to.

I was afraid that this would happen again, with him.  I know that I am pushing him away, because I want more of a commitment out of him.  I want him to choose us.  Just because you want something, doesn't mean that you'll get it.  It doesn't matter how hard you work at it, it just doesn't matter.  And it's okay.  I know I'll be okay.

For now, I'll be the dutiful mother and wife, married to single motherhood.  Time to take myself out on the dates that he cancelled, the ones where I wanted to show him me.  He works crazy hours and I accepted that reality, we both work a lot.   I'm not spiteful, it's just time to accept reality and to do something for myself.

People keep saying, "you'll find someone that wants what you want" and trying to tell me where to go meet people and I just don't want to hear it.  Gosh, I think I was in my early twenties when we dated on and off again for a year ... he's been the one plaguing my heart.  When he came back, all the holes and tears dissipated as if they never existed.  I've been smiling this week because I'm deeply in love with him.  It's a wonderful feeling to know that you love someone completely and that he loves you just the same.  It pains me that we both want different things.

I've been wearing my Grandmother's ring.  It's a tradition in our family to have a diamond ring with gemstones as a woman and to pass it on to our daughters.  Her Grandmother gave it to her, she did this also to my sister.  It doesn't fit over my knuckle on my right hand, just on the left.  It's bringing me comfort as it is the only ring I've ever worn on that hand.  I have small fingers, so other rings that she has given me usually end up on a necklace.  I never had a ring when I got engaged nor when I got married.  With accepting where I want to be, it's also the best way to keep any advances at bay.  I need time for me.  I'll take the ring off when I wish, but for now, it's providing a comfort that I need.

I don't know if I'll ever marry again.  That's a trust that could only be partially won with a prenup'.  It just is.  We'll see if or when that day happens, for now I'm a great mom.

I had to tell E about him.  About how he will be moving and won't be coming by as much anymore and soon not at all.  There's more than just my own broken heart.  A few years ago I dated my former best friend.  One of the first people that I told I was pregnant and was there for me through everything.  E called him her boyfriend and then 4 months later, his ex girlfriend turned up and I was dumped.  I was a trial for family.  A few months later they were engaged.  And regardless of my heart or broken trust, E lost someone.  I swore I'd never do that to her again, I wouldn't test it again unless I knew for sure....

You can't protect your child from the pains of the world, just show her how to handle life's struggles.  He's great with her.  She still talks about him and how he has to teach her to swim again in the ocean and take us there.  How we need to go camping again.  Oh and especially how she wants to teach him how to grill burgers outside because she's a big girl and she can start the grill (he taught her how to make a fire whilst camping, I showed her how to use the burner at home, with parental supervision).

I just need her to express it and let her know that we'll see him when he is available, but that right now he's packing and busy.  I can sort of handle my heart breaking.  It's nice that it hasn't hit her yet.  He has had a wonderful and amazing impact on her life.  I hope that he will still continue.

So there I am.  I am completely in love with a man that loves me just as much as I him.  I know what I want and what I need.  He doesn't want it now, maybe not even ever.  And I need more.  I want a commitment.






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