Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Figuring it all out

I have too many emotions and thoughts in my mind.  I had a great conversation with a close confidant that has been helping me to determine my overall thoughts.  The death of my Grandfather has hit me very hard.  It's incredibly overpowering.  The desire for kids is strong, but the overpowering desire is for a family.  How powerful the idea is to let the idea of having another child go.  How powerful the thought is to not have more children.  I have so much to think about.  I can truly say that I am on the fence wondering which way to fall.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Music Monday

Some music I've posted previously, but which explains how I feel.  Please, enjoy as I am full of many emotions today.

I used to play this song and think of you, when you left the first time.  I don't want it to be like this.  And so I just go on, I suppose.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Hope and Love

When you date, it seems, there is always a hope of what will happen next.  Hope of someone feeling the same about you, hope for a connection, hope for a future, defined in whatever terms of a life you wish to have.

Love and hope seem to go hand in hand.  We hope that those whom we love will be around and will want similar goals.  When it doesn't happen, it can all begin to crash around us.

I have long hoped and loved someone for many, many years.  I wished for a future, we talked about it, made plans, and then this thing called life happened.  The odd thing is that I am realizing that I will lead a life of being a single mother/spinster.

I can always seem to find someone with specific qualities, but certain ones lacking.

MBC: Nearly identical desires in life, family, children (adoption, marriages), etc, but hung up on responsibilites and life.

MR B: Could be a great father and provider, but is a drunk and would be a bad husband.

MW: Could be the great provider and would give me children, but would cheat on me left and right.

JH: Perfect in all of the flaws, effortless in that we never fight, its always a conversation, all around great person, perfect for me in every way, but two; commitment and children.

I know the perfect package isn't there.  Expecting and wishing for someone to be a father to another person's child and to want more children, to be faithful, a good provider, a great listener, someone to hold my hand and to work through problems with me.

Reality has shown me that you must make sacrifices because you can't have your cake and eat it too, it just doesn't work like that.  I'd rather be a spinster than to just settle.  I want a partner and children.  I wish life were that simple.

I no longer hope for love.  For now, I surrender.  Six months ago, I could say that I would probably be moving in, us three, progressing to a life together, and now a farce is what that hopeful dream has become.

I would easily spend the rest of my life with JH if but for those two simple yet incredibly difficult items; commitment and children.

Its odd, I can accept not having children and being a spinster, but I cannot be with someone and choose to not have children.  I will always want that with someone.

And so I close out tonight on those thoughts and memories of what could have been.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Life and Love

My Grandfather passed away in his sleep this past weekend.  He was a complicated man, one whom I love and will always love.  I had this hope I should say rather a dream, that he would dance with me at my wedding.  All those that have passed would all get a chance to congratulate me, hold me close, be there with me at the birth of my future children.  No one dies, no one truly dies.  My daughter is named after her Great, Great Grandmother and her daughter, my Great Grandmother.  Family never truly dies.  They live in us, but the loss, the eternal loss, still hits and there is a void.

In looking at older pictures of my daughter, how cute she was, how far she has come, how much she has grown, family can be many things.  I may never have a wedding and that is okay.  It is a child's dream to have the simple family only wedding inviting all of the cousins, visit with everyone, start a family, have so many children and to grow that love.

E and me against the world.  How wonderful it would be to have more children and yet, how wonderful it is for her to carry on our families names.  How wonderful it is to have pictures of her dancing with my Grandfather at my cousin's wedding, how wonderful it is to hold him dearly in my arms and to know how much he has loved me.  Family is everything.  We do not choose our family and those family members that do truly love us and cherish who we are; nothing compares to those feelings.

I'm not hurting, per se, just aching for what was hoped for and what now will never be. I know it is selfish, but you can't help but want your family to be there at the most important events in your life.  Family is all we have.  I wish to have more family, but you cannot hope, you must create your life, which is why I try to visit my family as much as possible.

I will forever love, miss, and relish in the good times that I had with him.  I'm glad I made the decision a few years back to spend as much time with my family as possible.  My cousins will reproduce, have more children and E can share in their growth.  That will be enough, because it has to be.  Sometimes we have to let go of our dreams that we thought up when we were younger because we are grown ups.  You cannot make events happen in your life just because of a dream, we all live in reality.  There's nothing like the beginning of life or the end of one to bring you ever in the present.