When you date, it seems, there is always a hope of what will happen next. Hope of someone feeling the same about you, hope for a connection, hope for a future, defined in whatever terms of a life you wish to have.
Love and hope seem to go hand in hand. We hope that those whom we love will be around and will want similar goals. When it doesn't happen, it can all begin to crash around us.
I have long hoped and loved someone for many, many years. I wished for a future, we talked about it, made plans, and then this thing called life happened. The odd thing is that I am realizing that I will lead a life of being a single mother/spinster.
I can always seem to find someone with specific qualities, but certain ones lacking.
MBC: Nearly identical desires in life, family, children (adoption, marriages), etc, but hung up on responsibilites and life.
MR B: Could be a great father and provider, but is a drunk and would be a bad husband.
MW: Could be the great provider and would give me children, but would cheat on me left and right.
JH: Perfect in all of the flaws, effortless in that we never fight, its always a conversation, all around great person, perfect for me in every way, but two; commitment and children.
I know the perfect package isn't there. Expecting and wishing for someone to be a father to another person's child and to want more children, to be faithful, a good provider, a great listener, someone to hold my hand and to work through problems with me.
Reality has shown me that you must make sacrifices because you can't have your cake and eat it too, it just doesn't work like that. I'd rather be a spinster than to just settle. I want a partner and children. I wish life were that simple.
I no longer hope for love. For now, I surrender. Six months ago, I could say that I would probably be moving in, us three, progressing to a life together, and now a farce is what that hopeful dream has become.
I would easily spend the rest of my life with JH if but for those two simple yet incredibly difficult items; commitment and children.
Its odd, I can accept not having children and being a spinster, but I cannot be with someone and choose to not have children. I will always want that with someone.
And so I close out tonight on those thoughts and memories of what could have been.