My Grandfather passed away in his sleep this past weekend. He was a complicated man, one whom I love and will always love. I had this hope I should say rather a dream, that he would dance with me at my wedding. All those that have passed would all get a chance to congratulate me, hold me close, be there with me at the birth of my future children. No one dies, no one truly dies. My daughter is named after her Great, Great Grandmother and her daughter, my Great Grandmother. Family never truly dies. They live in us, but the loss, the eternal loss, still hits and there is a void.
In looking at older pictures of my daughter, how cute she was, how far she has come, how much she has grown, family can be many things. I may never have a wedding and that is okay. It is a child's dream to have the simple family only wedding inviting all of the cousins, visit with everyone, start a family, have so many children and to grow that love.
E and me against the world. How wonderful it would be to have more children and yet, how wonderful it is for her to carry on our families names. How wonderful it is to have pictures of her dancing with my Grandfather at my cousin's wedding, how wonderful it is to hold him dearly in my arms and to know how much he has loved me. Family is everything. We do not choose our family and those family members that do truly love us and cherish who we are; nothing compares to those feelings.
I'm not hurting, per se, just aching for what was hoped for and what now will never be. I know it is selfish, but you can't help but want your family to be there at the most important events in your life. Family is all we have. I wish to have more family, but you cannot hope, you must create your life, which is why I try to visit my family as much as possible.
I will forever love, miss, and relish in the good times that I had with him. I'm glad I made the decision a few years back to spend as much time with my family as possible. My cousins will reproduce, have more children and E can share in their growth. That will be enough, because it has to be. Sometimes we have to let go of our dreams that we thought up when we were younger because we are grown ups. You cannot make events happen in your life just because of a dream, we all live in reality. There's nothing like the beginning of life or the end of one to bring you ever in the present.