Saturday, September 27, 2014

Decisions, decisions, decisions

I'm sitting here tonight reviewing old photos of E and thinking of kur life.  I have an opportunity to truly change our lives and improve my career.   It would be better for me, but would cause issues for my daughter.  She doesn't like change and instead prefers stability.  I mean heck, what child doesn't like that.

I talked with my friends about it but we are in such different places in our lives.   There's one person im used to talking to.  I find that aspect of being single the hardest aspect.  Spending the majority of my life in my head, weighing the pros and cons all the while experiencing the entire responsibility singularly.

The legal pad is drawn and time to begin the onslaught of the lists.  The big girl pants are fun to wear; they give you superpowers.  I always hope that I can make the right decision.  I hope I don't end up regretting my decision, but at least I have time.

I want to provide the best for E, but I also have to balance with what's going to be the best for me too.

I look at these pictures of E and in knowing her now, yes ive made mistakes and there are things that I regret, but she is also happy.   Many thoughts these next few weeks to consider.   I hope that I make the best decision.

Friday, September 19, 2014


"A female friend of mine was the inspiration for this song. She told me something I would never forget: "All good men are either taken, dead, or madly in love with other good men." -Matt Nathanson

Wednesday, September 17, 2014


What is sad, is when truly, to clarify from the previous post, is that someone does want you.  Wants you just as much as you want them, but, doesn't want the package deal.  Is terrified of being a parent.

I never thought that being a single mother, someone that chose to keep her child, someone that though may not have been ready, learned how to be a mom at a young age, ....  I am a mom.   And because the child is not the kin of another could be a problem for nearly everyone I have dated (I did say nearly), is painful.  I know there's more to it than that, but I know that for JH, if E was his child, he'd stand up, but she isn't, it's a choice.

It's a lot to ask of someone.  When I date, people tend to have this revelation after a few weeks, oh wait, you're a mom, I don't come first, there's someone else here.  Then the relationship is over.  Years, years.

We made plans.  I had fears, he had answers, not always perfect, but helpful.  What if we move?  I like long road trips, I'm used to them since I went and did them when visiting my Dad (in dropped E off at her Dad's).  Talks about living together.  Moving together.  Help with the legal custody agreement for the four of us in mind (E's Dad, E, him, and me).

Yes, I can understand the fear of being an additional parent and fear that you can't handle it.  There are ways to work and grow as a blended family, but to run away to another state?  To move?  To just up and leave?  What about our plans?  What about our life?  You had your dreams?  What about our dreams?  What about an us?

I knew once I shared my fears and what I needed.  I knew it would be over and cold.  I know he'd be gone.  And I knew I had to be the one.  And my heart broke.  It's broken.  Over the past 5.5 years, I have compared, everyone, to him.  We never fight, we could talk about anything, but I want a family, and he doesn't.  He wants me, not me and my other, for many many reasons.  And it hurts.

At the 2nd year mark, he had the aha moment about realizing that I'm a mom.  It was surreal that it took that long, but we got through it together.  We shared our fears and the plans started.  But everything was for the future.  Not any time now, the future.  It hit me awhile ago, I didn't want to admit it, I couldn't.  I wasn't ready to admit it, but finally I couldn't take the pain any more and I had to spell it out.  If we don't make plans for our present, we cannot have a future.

You cannot move to another state and expect me to sit around while you watch your nephews every single day for hours and care for them and not even have the slightest inkling to do the same for your girlfriend of 3.5 years and her child.  It hit me with a ton of bricks.  He doesn't view us as family and has no desire to make us family.

I defined him as such for myself.  I broke the day I realized it.  I'll never forget it.  And he shut-off communication.  Again.

That's where talk is cheap.  I don't know what to say to E, I don't know what to say to my friends, nor my family.  They all loved him.  I have fought for my daughter and to provide a life for her and I have a need to have a family, a partner.  And the search for someone, I don't want to go through it anymore.  I don't want to search anymore.  I had made my decision.  And a man that has been there for me through so much already, meeting my mom in the ER for goodness sake, etc, etc, etc.... He is the most loving and caring person I have ever known, but can't work through his own childhood demons and pushes away the idea of being a father, even though he is great with E, great with his nephews, gosh you should see him.  But he runs away.

So, I'm torn.  And I don't know what to say.  I get up, go to work, do the same day over and over and over, keeping busy.  Trying to make sense of it all.  He seemed to want us.  All the warning signs weren't there.  I truly feel and felt, at the time, suckerpunched. 

I never thought when I left E's Dad that it would be a life for just E and I.  Why would being a single mom be the reason to walk away from a relationship?  I left E's Dad to show and to teach her how a man should treat a woman in a relationship.  How to stick up for yourself.  I can't settle and I never will.  I know what I want and what I need, which makes this all a hard pill to swallow.

I got used to my bed alone.  I slept in the middle.  No one, EVER stayed over.  No one got attached to E, let alone saw me hold hands.  No one is perfect, no relationship is, I thought all the words, plans, and time together, we were creating our bond.  I guess being a parent to someone else is terrifying.  I have no concept of what it is to truly be on your own completely by yourself, I had a slight experience of it in college.  I was pregnant at 18 and I was then a mom at 19.  I grew up fast.  This has defined my adult existence.  And for someone to not want to spend the next 10-20 years raising E and other children, saddens me in a way I cannot explain.  Someone that wants me more than anything, but the family part is scary, is just sad.

I'm not angry, I'm more out of breath and realizing that his search for a partner is a tough one.

In the movie, The Bronx Tale, it talks about how you have 3 great loves of your life.  He has that definition.  I wish we could work through this, talk, but I don't know what there is to figure out.  Maybe it's gray, it seems black and white to me.  I can only see it from my point of view.  All of the decisions that I have had to make since I became an adult have been defined in the view as "will this decision be in the best interests of E, as a family, for me?"

Yes, I miss him.  I miss my best friend.  The person that never cruelly judged me, that held my hand, held me when I cried, when words, there were no words, my lover.  Someone I needed when I lost Grandpa.  Someone whom I love and want as a partner.  Someone I'd gladly give the next 50 years of my life to.  Someone that doesn't want to grow up and be my partner, to watch E grow up, to teach her more ....

I know it'll all be okay.  I had never really had someone to be there with me before.  We'd share our days together.  I miss the companionship, how effortless it all was.  How the smell of him would just calm anything, those bear hugs.  It just feels like a cruel joke.

You know how the saying goes, if you love him, let him go, if he comes back, it's true.  Or some sort of nonesense.  My response to that saying, well, what do you do if he goes again?

I keep busy.  I'm finding the activities that I want to do.  Maybe the pain will go away.  I don't feel it every day.  I'm just starting to accept that the family I have is the only family that I will have.  It's E and Me against the world.  It's sombre and joyful at the same time.

Right now, with tears in my eyes, I wish I could nestle my face in his chest, and hear him tell me everything will be okay.  I always have to be strong for E.  Work hard, put food on the table, shoulder the day to day, yes I enjoy it, but it is taxing and him being there, helping.

He chose to leave.  Did not make a plan.  No discussion about our relationship.  Too busy with his nephews to call.  Too preoccupied to set up skype.  Twice as far away as E is from her father.  No plan for us to be up there with him.  And I had to be the one to just grow the mommy balls and call him out on it.  And he's surprised by me wondering about our future?

I gave it a few months.  But I have needs.  I deserve better.  We had a wonderful number of years together.  And I miss him, and I'll continue to miss him.  I began to need him, or rather yearn for him and he was always there.  Gosh, he'd show up at work to surprise me just to steal a quick kiss.  I felt so special.  And he's so far away.  No plan.  But I should wait around for a maybe.  I'm sorry, I'm a big girl, I'm a grown up.  I want to plant roots and have a family.  Right now, my family is E and me.  I may not be happy with my job or with everything in life, but I do what I must to be the upstanding parent and continue to pursue my own dreams.

There's no way to be mad.  My friends say that I should get mad, but I'm just walking away.  I stated point blank that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and that we needed to start making decisions together about our present and figuring it all out.  Cricket chirps was the response I got.  That's an answer in and of itself.

Gosh, I was so hopeful when I left E's Dad.  You could say that I still am, just more weary with a shot of reality mixed in.  I figured after a few years, let the guard down.  JH really wants us.  He really loves us.

Okay, there's the clarification.  I have no desire to go in search again.  Maybe it will change, I'm sure it will, at some point.  The sting is going to take awhile to wear off.  I love him and I know I always will.

Looking Forward

I will say, it is quite humbling to be at a point in my life where I have the need to start a new journey.  I pretty much handled all of the major life experiences in my very, very early twenties/late teens.  It may have gone quite fast, but it's my life.  I had my daughter, been married, been divorced, been audited by the IRS (due to said divorce, fun times), dated, had fun, heart ache, lived on my own, had a bunch of money by living cheap, losing it all in the economy crash, been to the ER , yadda yadda yadda.  I've done pretty much it all.  I've fallen in love and found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and fully rejected.  I will say, at the end of it all, it's a humbling experience.

I've always wanted a partner in raising E.  I've always wanted a family to share my life with.  I have a great extended family and we will be visiting them.  I've planned to visit where I've spent time with my Grandfather when I spent time with him growing up.  He taught me to shoot, how to have fun, safety in hiking high altitudes, so many things.

As wonderful as it would be to share all of these moments with a partner, I can share them with the most awesome side-kick.

I do have the pain of wondering if he'll stop by again, like before.  The nature of his career, constantly working, and timing, and all of our relationship of before....  I never thought it would be the same again.  I guess people are creatures of habit and promises don't get kept.  Words, are well, beautiful empty promises.

So I've got my checklist checked off.  I've got many more things to add to a new checklist for my future.  I'm just figuring it all out and it will take lovely time to breathe.  I apologize if it's draining on those that read, but I need some time and a place to work through and mourn the loss.  Losing my Grandfather and the loss of my relationship has been tough.  The person that you would have thought you could have relied on through the death of a family member being unable to be there, is not easy.  And so it is time to slowly work through those emotions.

I think it will be years before I stop wondering of the phone call, who's calling, or wondering if he'll be there.  If you don't know him, then you may not understand that it was his nature to 'surprise' me and show up.  To lose that, I never realized until it was well, gone, how I got used to that, and how much that really meant to me.  As a result, I have to remind myself, oh yes it would be sweet, if he would, but no.

I'll never forget the surprise of my life I received 2.5 years ago when he did just that, 18 months after we last spoke (after a year of being together on and off), he just called and showed up out of the blue.  Professing his love and telling me all about his life and how he screwed up.  So this is cathartic for me.  I had to walk away from someone that couldn't committ.  You can't make some do that, you just ask or rather hope that they agree that they can't imagine their life without you either and that they need you, that no matter of our problems/issues (every relationship has them), that we'll work through them together.  That we can make decisions together. A partnership.

I think, that after 3.5 years with someone that it's a fairly simple concept to wrap your head around, but it's not apparently.  So we would have to work that all out, relationships take work.  I'm at a point, accepting reality is yes, brain, and yet my heart and feelings can't and don't just stop.

In working through all of these emotions, I plan to keep busy in being a mom and having fun adventures.  I guess you could say I'm in a bit of a shock.  I thought I was on the same page as someone and I apparently have it all wrong.  It's just a lot.  You make long-term plans and to be honest, I plan to keep them.  Shave off a bit of the planning and keep it going.

I'm too many emotions all slewed together.  I hope ... I hope for many things.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Cooking Classes and Dancing Lessons

I've been wanting to take cooking classes and dancing lessons for many, many years now.  I've decided to go for it.  Instead of just eying all of those community courses in the local paper, why not sign up for them?  I'd like to learn how to gut a fish properly (Grandpa said it was man's work so I never got a chance when we went fishing).  I'd like to learn better knife skills and how to prep meals throughout the week, as I work to support Emily, time is difficult.

I've wanted to go dancing and learn how to be a better dancer for well over 10 years.  People always say, hey, that's a great idea.  Boyfriends generally agree with the idea of it, but actually attending, well.  Let's just say, I've wanted to do this for ten years and I have yet to have a partner actually make a date and keep it.  So screw it.  It's E and Me against the world, I can do this on my own.

I'm on my own, as a single parent, I can do anything, right?  As much as I'd love to have a partner, I can accept reality and do everything I said I've always wanted to do.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Night Hike

Tonight, the moon is shining bright.  After we got home and the sun set, the moon was shining bright in the sky.  I had a thought, a night hike would be fun!  She put all of her homework away, got her backpack ready for school, I found my headlamp and off we were around the neighborhood!

We walked, roughly, a little less than half a mile out and looked down on the little city below with the moon shining bright.  It was really nice to be able to spend that time with E.  I got to learn about all of her friends more and how she's been getting into a bit of trouble at school (school hasn't been telling me, tisk, tisk).  Yet, good to know, and good to talk to her about her responsbilities.

She 'informed' me about how math and reading are the most important subjects and how they were her favorites.  I talked with her about how, yes, they are important, but that I disagree that they are the most important.  I feel that recess and art are the two most important.  You easily use reading and math in both of those areas, but that without creativity, nature, and human interaction, you can easily become bored and discouraged from any subject.  That there is a balance.

I am always amazed by how she continues to grow and change.  I am a lucky mom to have her as my daughter.