Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Clarification...

What is sad, is when truly, to clarify from the previous post, is that someone does want you.  Wants you just as much as you want them, but, doesn't want the package deal.  Is terrified of being a parent.

I never thought that being a single mother, someone that chose to keep her child, someone that though may not have been ready, learned how to be a mom at a young age, ....  I am a mom.   And because the child is not the kin of another could be a problem for nearly everyone I have dated (I did say nearly), is painful.  I know there's more to it than that, but I know that for JH, if E was his child, he'd stand up, but she isn't, it's a choice.

It's a lot to ask of someone.  When I date, people tend to have this revelation after a few weeks, oh wait, you're a mom, I don't come first, there's someone else here.  Then the relationship is over.  Years, years.

We made plans.  I had fears, he had answers, not always perfect, but helpful.  What if we move?  I like long road trips, I'm used to them since I went and did them when visiting my Dad (in dropped E off at her Dad's).  Talks about living together.  Moving together.  Help with the legal custody agreement for the four of us in mind (E's Dad, E, him, and me).

Yes, I can understand the fear of being an additional parent and fear that you can't handle it.  There are ways to work and grow as a blended family, but to run away to another state?  To move?  To just up and leave?  What about our plans?  What about our life?  You had your dreams?  What about our dreams?  What about an us?

I knew once I shared my fears and what I needed.  I knew it would be over and cold.  I know he'd be gone.  And I knew I had to be the one.  And my heart broke.  It's broken.  Over the past 5.5 years, I have compared, everyone, to him.  We never fight, we could talk about anything, but I want a family, and he doesn't.  He wants me, not me and my other, for many many reasons.  And it hurts.

At the 2nd year mark, he had the aha moment about realizing that I'm a mom.  It was surreal that it took that long, but we got through it together.  We shared our fears and the plans started.  But everything was for the future.  Not any time now, the future.  It hit me awhile ago, I didn't want to admit it, I couldn't.  I wasn't ready to admit it, but finally I couldn't take the pain any more and I had to spell it out.  If we don't make plans for our present, we cannot have a future.

You cannot move to another state and expect me to sit around while you watch your nephews every single day for hours and care for them and not even have the slightest inkling to do the same for your girlfriend of 3.5 years and her child.  It hit me with a ton of bricks.  He doesn't view us as family and has no desire to make us family.

I defined him as such for myself.  I broke the day I realized it.  I'll never forget it.  And he shut-off communication.  Again.

That's where talk is cheap.  I don't know what to say to E, I don't know what to say to my friends, nor my family.  They all loved him.  I have fought for my daughter and to provide a life for her and I have a need to have a family, a partner.  And the search for someone, I don't want to go through it anymore.  I don't want to search anymore.  I had made my decision.  And a man that has been there for me through so much already, meeting my mom in the ER for goodness sake, etc, etc, etc.... He is the most loving and caring person I have ever known, but can't work through his own childhood demons and pushes away the idea of being a father, even though he is great with E, great with his nephews, gosh you should see him.  But he runs away.

So, I'm torn.  And I don't know what to say.  I get up, go to work, do the same day over and over and over, keeping busy.  Trying to make sense of it all.  He seemed to want us.  All the warning signs weren't there.  I truly feel and felt, at the time, suckerpunched. 

I never thought when I left E's Dad that it would be a life for just E and I.  Why would being a single mom be the reason to walk away from a relationship?  I left E's Dad to show and to teach her how a man should treat a woman in a relationship.  How to stick up for yourself.  I can't settle and I never will.  I know what I want and what I need, which makes this all a hard pill to swallow.

I got used to my bed alone.  I slept in the middle.  No one, EVER stayed over.  No one got attached to E, let alone saw me hold hands.  No one is perfect, no relationship is, I thought all the words, plans, and time together, we were creating our bond.  I guess being a parent to someone else is terrifying.  I have no concept of what it is to truly be on your own completely by yourself, I had a slight experience of it in college.  I was pregnant at 18 and I was then a mom at 19.  I grew up fast.  This has defined my adult existence.  And for someone to not want to spend the next 10-20 years raising E and other children, saddens me in a way I cannot explain.  Someone that wants me more than anything, but the family part is scary, is just sad.

I'm not angry, I'm more out of breath and realizing that his search for a partner is a tough one.

In the movie, The Bronx Tale, it talks about how you have 3 great loves of your life.  He has that definition.  I wish we could work through this, talk, but I don't know what there is to figure out.  Maybe it's gray, it seems black and white to me.  I can only see it from my point of view.  All of the decisions that I have had to make since I became an adult have been defined in the view as "will this decision be in the best interests of E, as a family, for me?"

Yes, I miss him.  I miss my best friend.  The person that never cruelly judged me, that held my hand, held me when I cried, when words, there were no words, my lover.  Someone I needed when I lost Grandpa.  Someone whom I love and want as a partner.  Someone I'd gladly give the next 50 years of my life to.  Someone that doesn't want to grow up and be my partner, to watch E grow up, to teach her more ....

I know it'll all be okay.  I had never really had someone to be there with me before.  We'd share our days together.  I miss the companionship, how effortless it all was.  How the smell of him would just calm anything, those bear hugs.  It just feels like a cruel joke.

You know how the saying goes, if you love him, let him go, if he comes back, it's true.  Or some sort of nonesense.  My response to that saying, well, what do you do if he goes again?

I keep busy.  I'm finding the activities that I want to do.  Maybe the pain will go away.  I don't feel it every day.  I'm just starting to accept that the family I have is the only family that I will have.  It's E and Me against the world.  It's sombre and joyful at the same time.

Right now, with tears in my eyes, I wish I could nestle my face in his chest, and hear him tell me everything will be okay.  I always have to be strong for E.  Work hard, put food on the table, shoulder the day to day, yes I enjoy it, but it is taxing and him being there, helping.

He chose to leave.  Did not make a plan.  No discussion about our relationship.  Too busy with his nephews to call.  Too preoccupied to set up skype.  Twice as far away as E is from her father.  No plan for us to be up there with him.  And I had to be the one to just grow the mommy balls and call him out on it.  And he's surprised by me wondering about our future?

I gave it a few months.  But I have needs.  I deserve better.  We had a wonderful number of years together.  And I miss him, and I'll continue to miss him.  I began to need him, or rather yearn for him and he was always there.  Gosh, he'd show up at work to surprise me just to steal a quick kiss.  I felt so special.  And he's so far away.  No plan.  But I should wait around for a maybe.  I'm sorry, I'm a big girl, I'm a grown up.  I want to plant roots and have a family.  Right now, my family is E and me.  I may not be happy with my job or with everything in life, but I do what I must to be the upstanding parent and continue to pursue my own dreams.

There's no way to be mad.  My friends say that I should get mad, but I'm just walking away.  I stated point blank that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and that we needed to start making decisions together about our present and figuring it all out.  Cricket chirps was the response I got.  That's an answer in and of itself.

Gosh, I was so hopeful when I left E's Dad.  You could say that I still am, just more weary with a shot of reality mixed in.  I figured after a few years, let the guard down.  JH really wants us.  He really loves us.

Okay, there's the clarification.  I have no desire to go in search again.  Maybe it will change, I'm sure it will, at some point.  The sting is going to take awhile to wear off.  I love him and I know I always will.

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