Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Looking Forward

I will say, it is quite humbling to be at a point in my life where I have the need to start a new journey.  I pretty much handled all of the major life experiences in my very, very early twenties/late teens.  It may have gone quite fast, but it's my life.  I had my daughter, been married, been divorced, been audited by the IRS (due to said divorce, fun times), dated, had fun, heart ache, lived on my own, had a bunch of money by living cheap, losing it all in the economy crash, been to the ER , yadda yadda yadda.  I've done pretty much it all.  I've fallen in love and found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and fully rejected.  I will say, at the end of it all, it's a humbling experience.

I've always wanted a partner in raising E.  I've always wanted a family to share my life with.  I have a great extended family and we will be visiting them.  I've planned to visit where I've spent time with my Grandfather when I spent time with him growing up.  He taught me to shoot, how to have fun, safety in hiking high altitudes, so many things.

As wonderful as it would be to share all of these moments with a partner, I can share them with the most awesome side-kick.

I do have the pain of wondering if he'll stop by again, like before.  The nature of his career, constantly working, and timing, and all of our relationship of before....  I never thought it would be the same again.  I guess people are creatures of habit and promises don't get kept.  Words, are well, beautiful empty promises.

So I've got my checklist checked off.  I've got many more things to add to a new checklist for my future.  I'm just figuring it all out and it will take lovely time to breathe.  I apologize if it's draining on those that read, but I need some time and a place to work through and mourn the loss.  Losing my Grandfather and the loss of my relationship has been tough.  The person that you would have thought you could have relied on through the death of a family member being unable to be there, is not easy.  And so it is time to slowly work through those emotions.

I think it will be years before I stop wondering of the phone call, who's calling, or wondering if he'll be there.  If you don't know him, then you may not understand that it was his nature to 'surprise' me and show up.  To lose that, I never realized until it was well, gone, how I got used to that, and how much that really meant to me.  As a result, I have to remind myself, oh yes it would be sweet, if he would, but no.

I'll never forget the surprise of my life I received 2.5 years ago when he did just that, 18 months after we last spoke (after a year of being together on and off), he just called and showed up out of the blue.  Professing his love and telling me all about his life and how he screwed up.  So this is cathartic for me.  I had to walk away from someone that couldn't committ.  You can't make some do that, you just ask or rather hope that they agree that they can't imagine their life without you either and that they need you, that no matter of our problems/issues (every relationship has them), that we'll work through them together.  That we can make decisions together. A partnership.

I think, that after 3.5 years with someone that it's a fairly simple concept to wrap your head around, but it's not apparently.  So we would have to work that all out, relationships take work.  I'm at a point, accepting reality is yes, brain, and yet my heart and feelings can't and don't just stop.

In working through all of these emotions, I plan to keep busy in being a mom and having fun adventures.  I guess you could say I'm in a bit of a shock.  I thought I was on the same page as someone and I apparently have it all wrong.  It's just a lot.  You make long-term plans and to be honest, I plan to keep them.  Shave off a bit of the planning and keep it going.

I'm too many emotions all slewed together.  I hope ... I hope for many things.

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