Monday, October 27, 2014

Reading

I've been reading a lot lately.  I got into the Sookie Stackhouse years ago when my daughter spent her first week alone with her father.  It was a long time ago, but I burned through the first 6 books in a very short amount of time.  There's nothing like a good book to keep your mind busy.

Well, I stopped reading the series after the 9th book and recently I got back into the books and finished the entire series.  Yes, you can see that the writer slowed down in a sense, but the books were all great reads.  I highly recommend the series to anyone, by far better than the show that's based off the books, aka True Blood.

I also read all three books in the Divergent series.  I plan to post some quotes from the storyline, ones that don't give away what's going on, more about what I learned from AP English Literature course that I took back in High School.  The theory we had with our papers is when we read a book, we had to find the golden quote.  What is the story based off of, there is always a golden sentence, sometimes, more than one.

The series is by far better than the Hunger Games trilogy, still all three of these series, great reads.

Historical fiction with a bit of the flair in reality tends to be what interests me most in books these days.

I'm spending a lot of my time nestled into books and it's filling the empty parts of my day, after I'm done with the day-to-day chores and running around to all of E's events.  She has also taken up reading and reads 3 times as much as the other kids in her class.  I'm very happy she has come around to find that reading is a wonderful hobby to have.  It takes you places and teaches you so much.

Friday, October 17, 2014

life getting in the way of progress

I've been cleaning up boxes out of my garage. Already filled a truck load to the dump and dropped it off.

In going through my things I came over so many photographs of E. Along with those pictures were others. Ones of JH and I at his best friend wedding where he was the best man.  Our padres baseball tickets, the game he realized,  after speaking to his mom and realizing that when I was talking about us having kids that not just biologically ours,  but also being a step-parent to E.

That was a year ago. How times have changed. They are very happy memories.  It's just, its just.

E talked about going to Joshua tree again and go rock climbing. How fun he was. She just brought it up this part week. She doesn't talk about him that much anymore. She makes the comment about how sad it is that he left and had to move. I generally nod and don't say much else.

When these come up, I do think should I call, reach out, but then I stop. It'd been 2 months since he had called, let it go. I wonder did I have this all wrong, how could I have missed any signs, and it isn't there. He thought he could be the person I needed or rather wanted and just continued on.

Dates, plans for the future ... . How do you move on?

I'm finding it difficult to move on. My marriage was over pretty much before it began for many, many reasons.

I think we always wish we had more time with those we love. There's never enough time.

I would've stayed and worked through our relationship problems of he'd just talk to me. Being apart, I couldn't call him on his bill sh**, give him a look and he'd spill the beans.

I miss the little things. My confidant recommends going on those dating sites getting out, urging me on. I just need to bury this box of photographs and memories.

Slowly, but surely, I'm getting there. He'd rather run than admit he doesn't want kid s. I'm a package deal and okay.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Camp

My daughter will be going to the same camp that I went to as a child. I truly couldn't be happier. I have so many special memories, from all of the encampments to all of the night hikes. You always have to yell skat when you come across some on a hike, definitely you have to have whistle with you, compass, etc. Getting her own safety kit together. It brings up all of the fond memories that I cherish.

I hope that she finds as much happiness and joy as this place does for me. If it wasn't for Girl Scouts I don't know where our even who I would be. It's changed my life that much.


Thursday, October 9, 2014

Letting Go

I have found that the easiest way to not contact someone in the digital age is to change the profile name of that person. Deleting a number can be awkward because if that person then contacts you again, they have your number and you might not recognize it.  By changing the name, to at least remind you to avoid the number, for me, it helps.

Currently in my phone I have, ugh, ignore, reject, to name a few. Let go is the latest.  I realized I was the one holding onto something that was lost.  I was the one that initiated contact, though seldom, it was me.  The promise made back in May of 2012 was broken.  The promise that developed the ability to trust again, well, the foundation is broken.  And when you have a broken foundation, you bulldoze that house, and rebuild.

So, it's time to let go, add that name to the list of people in the phone.  Accept the truth and let go.  So I leave with a song that adds to the melancholy of my mood.  The hope of what is to come and to what will be.  It was a great run.



I don't do many pictures on here, but this one is in June of 2012.  The day I decided I was ready to love you and believe your promise.  E still talks about this day as one of the best days of her life.  I'm so very glad she got that. 



I have a date arranged for the future and I'll go, I don't think too much of it, just a start, a moment to break the bond and loyalty to what we were.  I know it will be slow and I wish for more, but I can't keep living in the past or for a future that will never happen.

You promised you would never run.  You promised you would always be there.  You promised you would talk to me even when the words were too much.  You promised you would never leave without talking.  You promised you would come back if Oregon didn't work out.

I took you on your word, but I guess, promises are meant to be broken.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Camping

I went to a campsite where I spent most of my childhood.  It was over a decade since I had been there and it was a powerful experience.  It reaffirmed in me all of the things of who I want to be when I grow up, how I have changed and who I want to show my daughter that she can be.

It was a wonderful experience one that I'll always cherish.  I met many other women there that had similar experiences.  It was wonderful to share and to go back to a part of my life that I loved.  It was my entire life prior to E.  My life before E was a very busy lift in camping and the outdoors.  I wasn't able to go back, kept making excuses.  Finally, I signed up and went up.

I found the community of people with common goals that I grew to love when I was young, a 'family' in it's own right.  I felt at home, something I had only felt with one person previously.  I felt whole.  I can't even express the emotional experience of how lost I was as a child and how going there saved my life.  It saved me and it is wonderful for it to still be there after all of these years, with women in their early twenties all the way up to their 90s.

I may have wanted more and rather expected more from JH, but at least it's great to know that there's something more special to me that I can enjoy right now.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Future

I spoke to my ex and as awkward as it was, it truly defined where we are in our lives.  Hey, future, kids, living together, it's a lot.  It is a definite deal breaker if someone cannot be a parent with me.  I want more children, I'd love to have a family, larger than what I have now.

I will most likely wonder what could have been.  But in being separated since May, it's time for me to start over.  I'm not ready for another serious relationship, not a fling either, I'm enjoying my single life.  Being comfortable alone is an interesting feeling.

I do wish that JH would get his act together, but in after talking with him, we are very much in two different places in our lives.  He may be old enough to where family is on the mind, but if it's something that he doesn't want, so be it.  I'll always love him, but the decisions he has made have put a line in the sand on any future relationship that we could ever have.

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, with the idea that we'd spend more time together, not living apart and barely speaking.  That's barely a friendship.

So I may talk to him from time to time, it's not easy to stop sharing your life with someone when you did it for years.  He has never stated, since moving, anything about our future, that he wants me in any capacity.

It's time to get my feet wet so-to-speak.  Dating is a terror when you're a single parent, so much more to think about and if it's just E and me, I know we'll continue to have amazing adventures.  It's time to start over.  It's nice to feel attractive, wanted, desired, whether anything happens or not, it's just a nice feeling.

I think there will always be a part of me wondering if I'll get that big romantic gesture, and yet, at the same time, I feel I already got it April of 2012 when I got a timid text asking how I was doing.

So, I'm not fully sure how to go about this, it will be nice to try.  Many months of not knowing and of letting go.  I said, back in May, that we needed to start making big decisions together and working on our relationship.  When no effort is put in, a relationship ends.  I've learned a lot about myself and my own needs.

I'm ready to start again.