Thursday, October 2, 2014

Future

I spoke to my ex and as awkward as it was, it truly defined where we are in our lives.  Hey, future, kids, living together, it's a lot.  It is a definite deal breaker if someone cannot be a parent with me.  I want more children, I'd love to have a family, larger than what I have now.

I will most likely wonder what could have been.  But in being separated since May, it's time for me to start over.  I'm not ready for another serious relationship, not a fling either, I'm enjoying my single life.  Being comfortable alone is an interesting feeling.

I do wish that JH would get his act together, but in after talking with him, we are very much in two different places in our lives.  He may be old enough to where family is on the mind, but if it's something that he doesn't want, so be it.  I'll always love him, but the decisions he has made have put a line in the sand on any future relationship that we could ever have.

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, with the idea that we'd spend more time together, not living apart and barely speaking.  That's barely a friendship.

So I may talk to him from time to time, it's not easy to stop sharing your life with someone when you did it for years.  He has never stated, since moving, anything about our future, that he wants me in any capacity.

It's time to get my feet wet so-to-speak.  Dating is a terror when you're a single parent, so much more to think about and if it's just E and me, I know we'll continue to have amazing adventures.  It's time to start over.  It's nice to feel attractive, wanted, desired, whether anything happens or not, it's just a nice feeling.

I think there will always be a part of me wondering if I'll get that big romantic gesture, and yet, at the same time, I feel I already got it April of 2012 when I got a timid text asking how I was doing.

So, I'm not fully sure how to go about this, it will be nice to try.  Many months of not knowing and of letting go.  I said, back in May, that we needed to start making big decisions together and working on our relationship.  When no effort is put in, a relationship ends.  I've learned a lot about myself and my own needs.

I'm ready to start again.

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