Monday, November 24, 2014

The Right Decision

I had fun and went out with my girlfriends. It was wonderful to go out laugh, walk around, random conversations. It was great to celebrate my friend's birthday and on my adventure in moving.

It got serious after many hours when my friend celebrated her birthday by downing a bottle of sake, not something I would recommend doing.She had little to no memory after that. Needless to say out was not enjoyable after that.

I literally carried her home and carefully put her into bed. However, it became very emotional as she screamed to her boyfriend that she wanted her baby boy back. The earth shattering pain and loss of her child.... I know that pain. That loss.

I have wondered on and off, especially during the tough times, have I made the right decision? But I know that pain. That agony when your offspring is not in your care and in someone else's and you desperately would give anything to bring her back into your arms again.

It shook me and I was scared that my presence would hurt her. I kept my daughter and I get to take her home. She goes to her father's, on occasion.  When I put her in the plane all those months ago, she was so proud and happy, she walked away and I broke down into tears in front of everyone. I was alone and broken.  The agony. The fear and the unknown trust.

Words cannot express the void that can only be filled with the arms of your child. Not another. Not anything else. The love that you give to your child to abort, to give up, to keep. There is no right answer. And there are times you never know if you made the right decision or not.

For her she did the right thing for her. Her son is with a good family. But it doesn't change that agony, that loss.

It was incredibly powerful. All I wanted to do was to go home and hold my daughter. But she is in the arms of her father for the rest of the week.

I awoke the next day knowing that I made the correct decision for me. E is my daughter and I'm proud of her. I would not be the woman I am today if it wasn't for her. I am lucky to be her mom and I'm honoured.

It also has allowed me to truly heal. As you know the loss of my relationship shook me. Main reason being that he wanted me and not us. Well screw anyone that can't handle us.

I'm a strong person because I became a mom. She gave me my voice. Something that I'll forever be grateful for. And if someone can't handle that, then f off. I mean that in the nicest and most honest way possible.

I feel forever more confident in who I am and in the decisions I've made because of this experience. E and I are a family. Yes I'd love to grow my family, but if you cannot accept her and everything that goes with it, well frankly you aren't worth my time. You would be missing out on one of the most influential and important people of my life.

I feel for my friend. I truly do. There's no right or wrong in the decisions you make when you are pregnant. The decisions last a lifetime. And the consequences keep you up at night. She was a few months old when I fully realized that I was a mom. I was her mom. When she was 9 months old and received two shots, four vaccines at once and her eyes rolled to the back of her head and stopped breathing.

I became mother bear so fast. Someone had to speak up for her get her to the hospital. Protect her. When I left her father it was to teach her how a woman was supposed to be treated. You don't stay to stay. Leaving was one of the hardest things I ever did. Going into the welfare office when I lost everything, losing my pride, to feed her, get her health insurance. Anything for her. I have learned so much of my self because it was all in the name for her.

I'm feeling ready to consider actually going out on a date. I know who I am and what I want. If it wasn't for becoming that mother bear all those years ago, I don't know. I wish to thank my friend for her broken moment. The agony she feels everyday I only feel a few times a year. And it breaks me every time.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

time to move

I've decided to take the job opportunity and move. It's a big one on both respects.

I'm anxious yet excited. Time for a change this new year.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Cross Benefit Analysis

I'm going on a job interview tomorrow.  I'm not nervous because I have worked directly with this company for over a year now.  They know me, I know them.  Right now it's just a discussion of everything else that I currently do in my profession, along with what I can offer them.

It would require a major shift in my life if I choose to take this position.  My bosses know and even came to me directly about the position as it's something that they cannot offer me; more experience with a larger company than in a mid-size growing company.  I have peaked as far as I can go at this point.

However, it's time for lists.  Even if it doesn't work out with this one interview, it's good practice for other interviews in the future.  I want to be able to fully support my daughter and possibly purchase a home for us in a few years.

There is so much that I want from life and it's great that all of the hard work from over the years is being acknowledged.  I will be going on a vacation at the end of the month to clear my  head in making a decision. I was considering heading up the Pacific Northwest, I still may head up that way.  I have until next week to fully make the decision.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Finding a new way

I had a good 4 hour long conversation with a friend. We talked about our favorite books, life, trying to get out there in the world again, and most importantly, my pessimistic attitude towards life and his endearing optimism.

It was nice to just talk about life and to be pushed to meet new people.  It's a bit daunting; dating. I'm sure I'll be ready at some point. He was like go out, pick someone up and have fun. Mhmm, right.My reaction, take your own advice then. We both had the same reaction, in due time, due time.

I'm ready for a change. I'm finding happiness in my books and in talking. I lost my hope for the dream come true. But maybe I can figure out a new one.