Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Music Cuz Why Not

I like the cover of these songs, the originals will always have a very special place in my heart.

Great Cover of a Great Band, Chicago.

Friday, December 26, 2014


I'm starting to feel a lot better. I know my blog has been my main form of expressing the pain and loss that I've been experiencing over these past few months.  

I'm finally able to think of my Grandfather and of JH without tearing up. I've gone back and forth on the depression to bargaining. I finally was able to put my therapist`s words, you've said everything, done everything, let it be.  

The final conversation was one of him telling me not to come, to cancel the plane ticket, work, tests, too much going on, etc.  It's always the same, it is what it is.  He told me he loves me and yet his words from September, the day before E`s birthday ring in my ears;

I know this is hard on you and I am truly sorry but I will call when I have my thought aligned and can answer your questions directly.

And so that is where it had been left.  And that is where I have finally let it all die.  

My Grandfather, I thought I could grieve with his support, with my family's, but alas no.  My father hadn't said a word to me about it, me extended family, well we don't talk that much.  My sister and brother, we aren't close, not anymore. And my mom, it was her father. A complicated relationship. He was an abusive womanizing drunk. A version of my Grandfather I have never known. The grief as the final living male relative that I wanted to dance with me at the preconceived idea of a future wedding I thought that might possibly happen in the near future. I just. 

He was there for me in my younger years in a way I can't even express true gratitude. I got to say goodbye to him in January when he was in the ICU.  He never wanted is to visit him, not us grandkids. 

I have such amazing memories with these two men. I love then both dearly. I'll always love them. My father will never be like either of my Grandfathers, we will never be close and I will always be a disappointment, but that's on him. 

JH will always be my great lover. I'll always cherish the love I have for him and remember fondly how much he loved me. How great of a person he was. Everyone is flawed and yes I wanted to spend the rest off my life with him, but my time with him is over.  Gosh how we started was a whirlwind, I'm still amazed at my reaction to our first meeting.  The adventures, I'll have more in my life.  My favorites involved us driving whilst holding hands.

My Grandfather, oh how Arizona and hiking, trails, that was our time. Shooting. He was a deeply flawed man, but he was my Grandfather. 

I'm accepting of where everything is, the memories no longer pain me but give me happiness, remind me that I've lived and loved. I'm young and I know I'll love again. 

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Simple Living

Okay, okay. Have I mentioned, I'M MOVING, AHHH!  If I could have more of a mental freak out, well I think I'd pass out. I'm excited and ready.

I know where I want to end up and with moving to a place I don't plan to live forever, my purchases need to align with my end plan. I want to live simply, 500 square feet will work for just me down the road. I love nature and always miss it dearly. I know I'd like to live near the town wherever I end up.

Anyhoo, getting back to my point. In my new apartment I must purchase a fridge. There is no hookup for a washing machine nor a dryer. I must go to the laundromat either at the apartment complex or head on down the street.  If you know me at all, I'm a hermit and I very much like to do my laundry in a very specific way. 

However, in choosing to live in 500 square foot home down the road and to be prepared in general, I need a basic washing machine to clean my clothes.  I came across the company, The Laundry Alternative, and it's washing machine. 

I mostly figure that when I'm out camping for close to a week, I can wash my clothing, along with E`s, and also be able to pack less.  E also still has accidents, I do hope it ends soon, some kids take time to develop the response to hold the bladder.  I've read plenty of reviews and done the research, I think with the small investment it will be a nice experience for the two of us.

We already line dry a good amount of our clothes. I'm sure we will still go to the laundromat to wash the bedding and quilts. I'm wanting a simple life and I've gotten off that track for awhile.  Time to figure out this idea of apartment living and having a simple life.

I am in no way affiliated with The Laundry Alternative company. I am in no way benefiting from them. This is my own adventure in simple living and could totally backfire in my face. Proceed at your own risk.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Car Ride

The song that I would play in my car to put E to sleep when she wouldn't fall asleep.  I'd drive all over San Diego.

Here's the entire album

I can't put into words what it does for me, but it puts together all emotions and in a harmonic way, expresses it.  And so now, time for last minute Christmas gifts and getting ready for the move.  I just look at all the money I'm spending and I keep thinking about how I wish I could finish paying off my debts, soon enough, soon enough.  I hope to have everyone paid back for last year's help with the attorney by my birthday.  That's the plan, at least.

I see a drive in a car around town in my future.  Head down along the coast, crash a bonfire at Fiesta Island, and take in the beautiful pacific ocean.  Remember all of my memories of this county.  The joy of being a synesthete is that I can pull myself into each memory and remember what it was like at the time, which is why remembering can be both bitter and sweet.

Belated Music Monday

New Life

I went up to my new apartment yesterday to see the place and to help get things all settled in.  It's hard to get E registered into the school district, seems that most people lie and try to get their kids into the schools when they don't even live in the area.  So she will miss a few days of school, nothing much I can do about it.

I must say I am excited for this new adventure and am looking forward to learning the neighborhoods.  For instance, where to hike, ride a bike, go on a walk, some adventures and museums with E.  She had so much fun with me and my friend yesterday, just strolling around the area.  I'm ready to move and ready to begin.

I'm feeling very excited and not anxious, not as anxious as I was feeling and fretting about.  It will be nice to have our own bedrooms and a place to relax and entertain with guests.  Purchasing a fridge, as annoying as it is, well, there isn't much that I can do about it.  It's time to start over and do something different.  A week away from quitting my job and officially leaving and a week and a half away from moving, two weeks from starting a new job.

A lot of emotions, but I couldn't be happier to leave.  My goal is to end up in the mountains and this job will teach me many things, 5-10 years I'll be where I want to be.  I'm like the tortoise, slowly but surely wins the race.  I don't need to rush ahead and go somewhere I want to be, I'll earn it slowly, pay my dues and make it happen.  I am forever grateful for the opportunity that I had at my current job, but it is time.  It's E and me against the world, I know we'll be okay, yes I'll miss everyone, but it's time.  I made arrangements so that I could move a year ago, yes I thought it would be with someone, but whatever, E and I got this.

Friday, December 19, 2014


You could say I was a silly girl for a moment.  I had my pitty party.  The irony hit me in the gut harder than I realized, I definitely cried.  The irony that I pushed and wanted a family, more children, in a relationship and it turns out without medical intervention, I can't have kids.  Fun irony there.

I have to leave San Diego, there are too many memories here.  I still look at the curve of the driveway and wonder, will his truck/car be around the corner?  I used to look for it.  I got so used to his surprises to just say hello.  I go to my friend's house, where I used to live and wonder the same thing as I lived there for a year, he helped us move in.

It brought back up all the internal struggles and how hard it is to let go.  It hasn't been easy.  I put one step in front of the other.  I've gone out, met people, felt alive again, and pushed away advances.  I mailed him his things, he couldn't understand why at the time, couldn't understand why when I came across pictures of us, told me not to get on the plane, just not yet, not yet.  Never flying.  No explanation.  Nothing.  Just I'll tell you, just not now, I can't.  I'll never understand, going from talking everyday, spending time together, all of it, and to suddenly nothing.  I'm just supposed to get up and move on.  I never moved on the first time, but I knew I had to stop waiting, so I stopped waiting.

My brain gets it, his family, all of the brothers, everything.  Sent the final pics, deleted the phone numbers, the texts, the emails.  I knew I'd call him if I didn't.  I'm breathing.  I'm moving, trying.  One step in front of the other.  Back in 2013 I told him that if he didn't want kids that I deserved to know because of my issues with being able to have children.  That issue came up again and landed me in the hospital nearly a year ago today.  The scarring of my ovary, all over again, the pain.  I wasn't nice to him, not to anyone but the doctor that brought me pain killers.  My ex-husband, I regret JH because of what I did with E's dad, putting in there conditions, relinquished other ones because he wanted us.  And it's all for not.  Now I'm living with those consequences.

So the chance to move away, to leave everything and let go, I grabbed at the chance.  I discovered that everything between him and me was real, no lies, just no explanation for the silence.  Well, he does this, he has always done that part, usually I look at him and it ends the silence, many hundreds of miles between us and I can't exactly do that....  I'm ending this stupid cycle we got into; him leaving, showing up on his terms, and we're together for some time.  I deserve better, whether it's with someone or not, it's better than it was.

I don't even know what I'd say if I saw him or his family again.  I want to say that I'd be strong and that I'd slap him, walk away, not say anything, I truly don't know.  I know he goes away, this time, it's number 7, last time he left for 2 years.  I can't wait around.  My clock has run out and so I have more time to find someone to grow old with.  Something positive in the doctor's news, right?

I need some time to deal with this news and I know that I'll be okay.  I've dated, I've fallen in love.  I'll always love him.  E was my miracle baby.  I held her in my arms when I found out the news.  All I've ever wanted to be was a mom.  To have six to sixteen children.  I lost her brother and defied those other doctors by having and being able to carry her to term.  She was a strong six pound premie.  My little six week early premie that was ten pounds when she was a month old.

I noticed a change starting in my body, I felt different, body wasn't acting normally.  I'm glad I did the hormone testing.  There isn't much that can be done.  The loss of what could have been has been more profound than anything else.  I just strolled through memory lane of all the things that could have been.  I will never carry another child, have a baby at my breast, and though as sad as it is, it's a bit freeing.  I thought I would grow up and be this person and I can't be, my biology doesn't fit this mold.

I'll do some work with the doctors to start to produce good eggs again, maybe get another chance.  I don't want a child just to have a child, I want someone willing to go through it with me and now I'm being faced with discussions with doctors, oh hey, sperm donors, we can't harvest your eggs due to such and such of a complication, this hormone does such and such, birth control well, will hopefully make you ovulate, doesn't actually work like normal.

And with private news like this, people wonder why I seem sad and am slowly moving.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Staying, For Now

It's been tough here at work, a lot of BS, too much to go into.  I'm staying for the final paychecks, cover the move and well, move.  I went home in tears and with the final knowledge that I truly do not have a brother in my life anymore and I no longer wish to be near my close family.  They have helped me survive the recession and now I have a great opportunity.

I'm going to a place where I don't know anyone.  All I want to do is go back to Joshua Tree and look up at the stars.  There's nothing like being completely alone in the wilderness, doesn't matter, trees, rivers, creeks, plains, or desert.  It's nature in its beauty to remind me of where I want to be and who I am.

As a mom, we put up with straight up bull because food has to be put on the table and there's a future we need to provide for now.  Pinch pennies, save for college, a plot of land, something.  I'll trudge through this new experience and save because I want a good future for her.

I got also news from my doctor, something I've heard since I was 16, it still stings just the same; the hormone levels are off and I may never have another child.  I had a window.  It may still happen, I just have issues carrying and now worse issues for getting pregnant.  I noticed a change over this past year and we decided to do the hormone testing.  Yes, many drugs could be injected and done, but there is no partner so it is okay.  E is a fantastic daughter and I have some amazing friends.  Yes, it is sad, yes I'm having my pitty party today, and well, I can have it today, and then let it all get set aside.

I'm moving into a city, city life is not for me, but I'm close to work, a fantastic park and a great school system.   Many weekend trips to nature should do me just fine.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Poem of the Day

Finish each day and
be done with it.
You have done what you
could. Some blunders
and absurdities no doubt
crept in; forget them
as soon as you can.
Tomorrow shall begin it
serenely and with too high
a spirit to be encumbered
with your old nonsense.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Monday, December 15, 2014

Holiday Stress: Evening in the ER

E went to a birthday party and after much fun, we spent the evening in the ER awaiting our turn to be helped.  She got three stitches on her chinny-chin-chin, much to our chagrin.  I am happy that she wasn't in pain and that she was my brave little girl.  It started hurting her today, but it should heal up just fine.  If it were in any other spot, we could have butterflied the wound close, but since it was on an area of skin that kept pulling it open, we needed stitches.

Also, it was a small cut, I felt in my heart of hearts the first time of my own sexism coming out.  It shocked me a bit.  I feel that I'm fairly equal in how I view boys and girls, but I was worried about a scar on her face.  She is a girl and albeit she isn't a girly girl, neither am I, but that, she might be when she is older and scars, in our culture, are okay on boys but could also be a reason to be teased as a girl.  I didn't want that for her.  It was interesting to make a mental note of my internal beliefs on how I might handle this differently had she been a boy.

Sunday, December 14, 2014


E had the BEST day ever on Friday. I volunteered in her classroom and when we went to the assembly, she had no idea.  She got her ultimate present, a bike! 

She then got star student for the week for doing her homework. She then got fab five where your name gets pulled out of a hat and you earn coupons to use in the classroom. I took her to her favorite restaurant, one we hadn't been to in nearly two years.

I'm a very proud mom and eternally grateful to all those involved. It will be a year that she never forgets. I'm glad I get to be her mom.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Something Amazing

An organization donated 6 bikes to the school in the grade that E is in. She was nominated and tomorrow morning, she will be honored and surely surprised as one of the children that has earned that privilege.

I will be volunteering in the morning in her classroom and will be there for the special assembly. She has no idea and I couldn't be more proud of her along with the gratitude towards the school.

However, at the same time, she has wanted a bike for a very long time. She grew out of her bike a few years ago. I have saved up and on her Santa list was a bike. Well, black Friday has come and gone and a bike is hiding out somewhere, awaiting for Santa to come by and put under a beautiful tree.

The anxiety of now not being ready for Christmas is quite high at the moment. I figure we will see this bike at the assembly and go from there before Santa, ahem, sends it back.

Too many emotions this wonderful month.  We have an apartment in our new community and we move soon enough. It's a lot, a lot of changes. I just thought Santa had his act together, but wonderful people make wonderful decisions and you adjust. I have only amazing emotions and a little time to get ready. I'll make it happen. I'm proud of her doing well in school.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Wednesday, December 3, 2014


And yes, I can 'kill' songs.  This was first heard, for me at the very least, on an episode of Being Human on the SyFy network.  It's hard to say goodbye and now I'm saying goodbye to everyone and everything.

I'd love to dance to this song, could be outside, out on the town, in the family kitchen with toys a strewn about the landscape.  Someday, soon, I hope.

I'm starting to get that hope back, the bitterness is slowly sweeping away.  I'm scared to trust again, but I want to grow old with a partner and with children.  The hard reality is accepting that I need to kiss a lot of interesting frogs to figure that out.  So, to the future me, finally, dancing, and holding my person in my arms again.

Great Cover

Monday, December 1, 2014

Scared and Ready

I'm moving, packing up all of my things, getting rid of even more, figuring out what I need, what E needs.  It's thrilling, enticing, exhausting, and exasperating...all rolled up into an ever anxious moment.  I know I stated that moving in January, well, would be ideal, however, it's also being drawn out.

E was with her father over Thanksgiving and it was nice to work, spend time with friends, go out, pack, start this idea of being a single person in a new town.  The last few months reminded me of a movie that I had seen a few years ago, 500 days of Summer.  I feel like I'm now clawing myself out of my own deep seated depression of sorts, cannot lie, my blog here, well, pin-pointedly shows that I've been hung up on someone.  Eh, cannot lie, tis true.

I'm internally freaking out over moving, but finally, having a moment to well, go out with friends and stay out until the sun came up just catching up with friends was a relaxing endeavor.  It reminded me of how I am unequivocally excited to be E's mom and spend my days with her.  Yes, it was great to be out on the town.  Yes, it was wonderful to have someone ask for my number, sorry, no, I'm moving, but allow me to take yours, wink, wink, nod, nod, etc.  It reminded me that I need to find a better way of meeting really awesome people and that starting over will be albeit, intense, but will be the best experience for me in the end.

I'm ready to start 'again' and what that means, how it goes, I don't know.  But E and I, we got this.  She's a really awesome side-kick.  I've got a picture of her right here at my computer with her mustache, sunlit hat and random sunglasses smiling into a camera from a carnival back from this past May 2014.

I'm proud that I held myself together and didn't go well, too far over the deep-end.  Yes, I threw myself into my work and in being a couch potato, putting on a few pounds, developing a bad soda sugar addiction, but hey, who's judging whom now?  It was the past 2.5 years of my life, 3.5 of actually being 'together' and loved since I was 22.  I wish I could say that I could be strong and keep myself at bay for someone I've loved that long, but just because I'm not strong about him, doesn't make me weak, just is what it is.

I have issues and problems breaking in all around me and yet, it is what it is.  It has been E and me against the world since the day she was born.  I was alone, with this infant that needed me, whom, I didn't know what to do, she was early, I wasn't ready, scared, terrified of being alone with her, that I'd somehow damage her.  And to look at her now.  I am so proud of her.  She is my daughter.  I've raised her and she has self-confidence, knows she is beautiful, knows who she is and that I love her.   Things that I never had at her age and now I have a chance, a real chance, to be the mom that I want to be.  I'm scared sh**less that I'm going to screw this up, that this opportunity will ruin what we've created together.  But I have to go it a shot, I have to.

I needed a few nights to myself, to wallow in her being away from me.  In getting a chance to just go out and laugh again.  To go out dancing, gosh, something that I hate to say has been a few years, pretty frustrating.  To kiss someone and know that this is not what I want.  That it's okay for it to just be me and her, but that I'm now ready.  Yes, I still get moments where I miss him.  I'll always miss him, he was a big part of my life, the first person I ever thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.  Ego, yeah, a bit bruised, but I'm packing my bags, I've made a decision for me.  I regret him, yeah, I love him, but I regret him all at the same time.

I want out of doing the same things every single day in and day out, I know I'll probably be saying the same thing in what 2-3 years from now.  I have worked here for, well, up in March, it will be 5 years.  I've spent a good amount of my life working from poverty to being able to pretty much paying for mine and E's college. It'll take a bit more grit and savings, but I think we can do this.  Her Christmas list already shows the things that I've taught her.

  • Bike
  • Sewing Kit
  • Cat
  • Cat Toys
She wants things that will not go bad, that you can use over and over again.  This was it.  It wasn't cheap and yeah, I did the black friday shopping, but I got a great deal on a bike for her.  I can make her, her own sewing kit, cat well, that has to do with rent.  I said that may have to wait since I have to let Santa know we're moving and it costs more to have a cat in an apartment and that also not all apartments will allow you to have a cat.  She understands.

Yes, I have played this song more times than I can count, but it's still true to me in every way.