Friday, December 26, 2014


I'm starting to feel a lot better. I know my blog has been my main form of expressing the pain and loss that I've been experiencing over these past few months.  

I'm finally able to think of my Grandfather and of JH without tearing up. I've gone back and forth on the depression to bargaining. I finally was able to put my therapist`s words, you've said everything, done everything, let it be.  

The final conversation was one of him telling me not to come, to cancel the plane ticket, work, tests, too much going on, etc.  It's always the same, it is what it is.  He told me he loves me and yet his words from September, the day before E`s birthday ring in my ears;

I know this is hard on you and I am truly sorry but I will call when I have my thought aligned and can answer your questions directly.

And so that is where it had been left.  And that is where I have finally let it all die.  

My Grandfather, I thought I could grieve with his support, with my family's, but alas no.  My father hadn't said a word to me about it, me extended family, well we don't talk that much.  My sister and brother, we aren't close, not anymore. And my mom, it was her father. A complicated relationship. He was an abusive womanizing drunk. A version of my Grandfather I have never known. The grief as the final living male relative that I wanted to dance with me at the preconceived idea of a future wedding I thought that might possibly happen in the near future. I just. 

He was there for me in my younger years in a way I can't even express true gratitude. I got to say goodbye to him in January when he was in the ICU.  He never wanted is to visit him, not us grandkids. 

I have such amazing memories with these two men. I love then both dearly. I'll always love them. My father will never be like either of my Grandfathers, we will never be close and I will always be a disappointment, but that's on him. 

JH will always be my great lover. I'll always cherish the love I have for him and remember fondly how much he loved me. How great of a person he was. Everyone is flawed and yes I wanted to spend the rest off my life with him, but my time with him is over.  Gosh how we started was a whirlwind, I'm still amazed at my reaction to our first meeting.  The adventures, I'll have more in my life.  My favorites involved us driving whilst holding hands.

My Grandfather, oh how Arizona and hiking, trails, that was our time. Shooting. He was a deeply flawed man, but he was my Grandfather. 

I'm accepting of where everything is, the memories no longer pain me but give me happiness, remind me that I've lived and loved. I'm young and I know I'll love again. 


Karina said...

I'm glad for you. You have made a decision to accept this is how it is, and now let's move on. I think once someone accepts and/or makes a choice it makes things less stressful and you are more able to, well to move on.

L said...

Thank you. E and I have our new adventure ahead.