Monday, December 1, 2014

Scared and Ready

I'm moving, packing up all of my things, getting rid of even more, figuring out what I need, what E needs.  It's thrilling, enticing, exhausting, and exasperating...all rolled up into an ever anxious moment.  I know I stated that moving in January, well, would be ideal, however, it's also being drawn out.

E was with her father over Thanksgiving and it was nice to work, spend time with friends, go out, pack, start this idea of being a single person in a new town.  The last few months reminded me of a movie that I had seen a few years ago, 500 days of Summer.  I feel like I'm now clawing myself out of my own deep seated depression of sorts, cannot lie, my blog here, well, pin-pointedly shows that I've been hung up on someone.  Eh, cannot lie, tis true.

I'm internally freaking out over moving, but finally, having a moment to well, go out with friends and stay out until the sun came up just catching up with friends was a relaxing endeavor.  It reminded me of how I am unequivocally excited to be E's mom and spend my days with her.  Yes, it was great to be out on the town.  Yes, it was wonderful to have someone ask for my number, sorry, no, I'm moving, but allow me to take yours, wink, wink, nod, nod, etc.  It reminded me that I need to find a better way of meeting really awesome people and that starting over will be albeit, intense, but will be the best experience for me in the end.

I'm ready to start 'again' and what that means, how it goes, I don't know.  But E and I, we got this.  She's a really awesome side-kick.  I've got a picture of her right here at my computer with her mustache, sunlit hat and random sunglasses smiling into a camera from a carnival back from this past May 2014.

I'm proud that I held myself together and didn't go well, too far over the deep-end.  Yes, I threw myself into my work and in being a couch potato, putting on a few pounds, developing a bad soda sugar addiction, but hey, who's judging whom now?  It was the past 2.5 years of my life, 3.5 of actually being 'together' and loved since I was 22.  I wish I could say that I could be strong and keep myself at bay for someone I've loved that long, but just because I'm not strong about him, doesn't make me weak, just is what it is.

I have issues and problems breaking in all around me and yet, it is what it is.  It has been E and me against the world since the day she was born.  I was alone, with this infant that needed me, whom, I didn't know what to do, she was early, I wasn't ready, scared, terrified of being alone with her, that I'd somehow damage her.  And to look at her now.  I am so proud of her.  She is my daughter.  I've raised her and she has self-confidence, knows she is beautiful, knows who she is and that I love her.   Things that I never had at her age and now I have a chance, a real chance, to be the mom that I want to be.  I'm scared sh**less that I'm going to screw this up, that this opportunity will ruin what we've created together.  But I have to go it a shot, I have to.

I needed a few nights to myself, to wallow in her being away from me.  In getting a chance to just go out and laugh again.  To go out dancing, gosh, something that I hate to say has been a few years, pretty frustrating.  To kiss someone and know that this is not what I want.  That it's okay for it to just be me and her, but that I'm now ready.  Yes, I still get moments where I miss him.  I'll always miss him, he was a big part of my life, the first person I ever thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.  Ego, yeah, a bit bruised, but I'm packing my bags, I've made a decision for me.  I regret him, yeah, I love him, but I regret him all at the same time.

I want out of doing the same things every single day in and day out, I know I'll probably be saying the same thing in what 2-3 years from now.  I have worked here for, well, up in March, it will be 5 years.  I've spent a good amount of my life working from poverty to being able to pretty much paying for mine and E's college. It'll take a bit more grit and savings, but I think we can do this.  Her Christmas list already shows the things that I've taught her.

  • Bike
  • Sewing Kit
  • Cat
  • Cat Toys
She wants things that will not go bad, that you can use over and over again.  This was it.  It wasn't cheap and yeah, I did the black friday shopping, but I got a great deal on a bike for her.  I can make her, her own sewing kit, cat well, that has to do with rent.  I said that may have to wait since I have to let Santa know we're moving and it costs more to have a cat in an apartment and that also not all apartments will allow you to have a cat.  She understands.

Yes, I have played this song more times than I can count, but it's still true to me in every way.

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