Thursday, December 18, 2014

Staying, For Now

It's been tough here at work, a lot of BS, too much to go into.  I'm staying for the final paychecks, cover the move and well, move.  I went home in tears and with the final knowledge that I truly do not have a brother in my life anymore and I no longer wish to be near my close family.  They have helped me survive the recession and now I have a great opportunity.

I'm going to a place where I don't know anyone.  All I want to do is go back to Joshua Tree and look up at the stars.  There's nothing like being completely alone in the wilderness, doesn't matter, trees, rivers, creeks, plains, or desert.  It's nature in its beauty to remind me of where I want to be and who I am.

As a mom, we put up with straight up bull because food has to be put on the table and there's a future we need to provide for now.  Pinch pennies, save for college, a plot of land, something.  I'll trudge through this new experience and save because I want a good future for her.

I got also news from my doctor, something I've heard since I was 16, it still stings just the same; the hormone levels are off and I may never have another child.  I had a window.  It may still happen, I just have issues carrying and now worse issues for getting pregnant.  I noticed a change over this past year and we decided to do the hormone testing.  Yes, many drugs could be injected and done, but there is no partner so it is okay.  E is a fantastic daughter and I have some amazing friends.  Yes, it is sad, yes I'm having my pitty party today, and well, I can have it today, and then let it all get set aside.

I'm moving into a city, city life is not for me, but I'm close to work, a fantastic park and a great school system.   Many weekend trips to nature should do me just fine.

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