Friday, December 19, 2014

Time

You could say I was a silly girl for a moment.  I had my pitty party.  The irony hit me in the gut harder than I realized, I definitely cried.  The irony that I pushed and wanted a family, more children, in a relationship and it turns out without medical intervention, I can't have kids.  Fun irony there.

I have to leave San Diego, there are too many memories here.  I still look at the curve of the driveway and wonder, will his truck/car be around the corner?  I used to look for it.  I got so used to his surprises to just say hello.  I go to my friend's house, where I used to live and wonder the same thing as I lived there for a year, he helped us move in.

It brought back up all the internal struggles and how hard it is to let go.  It hasn't been easy.  I put one step in front of the other.  I've gone out, met people, felt alive again, and pushed away advances.  I mailed him his things, he couldn't understand why at the time, couldn't understand why when I came across pictures of us, told me not to get on the plane, just not yet, not yet.  Never flying.  No explanation.  Nothing.  Just I'll tell you, just not now, I can't.  I'll never understand, going from talking everyday, spending time together, all of it, and to suddenly nothing.  I'm just supposed to get up and move on.  I never moved on the first time, but I knew I had to stop waiting, so I stopped waiting.

My brain gets it, his family, all of the brothers, everything.  Sent the final pics, deleted the phone numbers, the texts, the emails.  I knew I'd call him if I didn't.  I'm breathing.  I'm moving, trying.  One step in front of the other.  Back in 2013 I told him that if he didn't want kids that I deserved to know because of my issues with being able to have children.  That issue came up again and landed me in the hospital nearly a year ago today.  The scarring of my ovary, all over again, the pain.  I wasn't nice to him, not to anyone but the doctor that brought me pain killers.  My ex-husband, I regret JH because of what I did with E's dad, putting in there conditions, relinquished other ones because he wanted us.  And it's all for not.  Now I'm living with those consequences.

So the chance to move away, to leave everything and let go, I grabbed at the chance.  I discovered that everything between him and me was real, no lies, just no explanation for the silence.  Well, he does this, he has always done that part, usually I look at him and it ends the silence, many hundreds of miles between us and I can't exactly do that....  I'm ending this stupid cycle we got into; him leaving, showing up on his terms, and we're together for some time.  I deserve better, whether it's with someone or not, it's better than it was.

I don't even know what I'd say if I saw him or his family again.  I want to say that I'd be strong and that I'd slap him, walk away, not say anything, I truly don't know.  I know he goes away, this time, it's number 7, last time he left for 2 years.  I can't wait around.  My clock has run out and so I have more time to find someone to grow old with.  Something positive in the doctor's news, right?

I need some time to deal with this news and I know that I'll be okay.  I've dated, I've fallen in love.  I'll always love him.  E was my miracle baby.  I held her in my arms when I found out the news.  All I've ever wanted to be was a mom.  To have six to sixteen children.  I lost her brother and defied those other doctors by having and being able to carry her to term.  She was a strong six pound premie.  My little six week early premie that was ten pounds when she was a month old.

I noticed a change starting in my body, I felt different, body wasn't acting normally.  I'm glad I did the hormone testing.  There isn't much that can be done.  The loss of what could have been has been more profound than anything else.  I just strolled through memory lane of all the things that could have been.  I will never carry another child, have a baby at my breast, and though as sad as it is, it's a bit freeing.  I thought I would grow up and be this person and I can't be, my biology doesn't fit this mold.

I'll do some work with the doctors to start to produce good eggs again, maybe get another chance.  I don't want a child just to have a child, I want someone willing to go through it with me and now I'm being faced with discussions with doctors, oh hey, sperm donors, we can't harvest your eggs due to such and such of a complication, this hormone does such and such, birth control well, will hopefully make you ovulate, doesn't actually work like normal.

And with private news like this, people wonder why I seem sad and am slowly moving.


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