Monday, December 28, 2015

Monday, December 14, 2015

Chemistry

Well, moving will definitely be happening soon.  I went to see the person that reminded me of being bale to 'feel' things again about someone.  We just have very little chemistry.  I don't know if he was nervous or what.  He's definitely a bachelor and that's fine, I'm just looking for more.  I'm just gonna let it be and he's a great friend.  It's just :/.  You cannot make chemistry happen with someone.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Music Monday





I have always loved this song:









Friday, December 4, 2015

Opa



6 years ago my 'father' passed away.  He was technically my Grandfather, my Opa; to everyone he was just your Dad.  I wanted him to walk me down the isle, see me with his great grandchildren.  He met E, I have pictures of him helping E with her drawings and with reading to her.  Words cannot express the weight of the loss of him.

Family is everything and I have my little family.  Grandma is an incredibly important person to me.  She, she is my beacon for the type of person I hope to become.  For the type of mother I want to be for E.  He never got to 'approve' of the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

He is the most amazing person.  He lives in all of us kids and grandkids.  He is the reason to try harder.  To be better.  To do better.

Time can heal your wounds if
You're strong and standing tall
I've been doing all of that, it didn't help at all
They say "You'll grow older, and it'll get better still"
Yes, I will, but no it won't
They don't get it, cause...

You're not there
To celebrate the man that you made
You're not there
To share in my my success and mistakes
Is it fair?
You'll never know the person I'll be
You're not there

With me...

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Touching Music

When I heard him on the radio, the song, 7 years.  I must say, it touched me.  His music is amazing, his voice, the band.  I don't know about you but I can easily relate.  I hope you agree.









Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Baby Steps

We stayed up talking last night.  Just about randomness, how we grew up.  We talked in silly references and he makes me smile.  He makes me smile for all these silly reasons.  So many silly reasons.  We have inside jokes about various topics and it’s weird.  I don’t think we touched once, except maybe in passing, when we met.  This is such a surreal experience for me.

I’m nervous as heck.  I’m myself and I struggle with expressing the conflicting sides of myself.  He asks poignant questions and he tells me of his life.  I think this has been the best way to meet and begin falling for someone.  It’s calm and It’s quite nice.

I’m nervous, I’ll be honest.  Celibacy has been such a big aspect of this time.  Even with a few brief encounters with people, each time reminded me of how empty it is to be with someone when it means nothing at all.  I’m nervous because I’m going to be crashing at his place when I visit in the upcoming weeks.

I have a very clearly defined anxiety around sleeping next to someone, being close, and yet it’s something I do want.  It’s such a hard thing to explain and to deal with.

I’m, different, I’m a new person and I haven’t grappled or rather I’ve chosen to ignore this side of myself for a very long time.  I’m reconciling with my faith.  I’ve changed, I’ve got scars that cover me and any attempt to deal with it all has been to work, work harder, be a good mother….  I reminisce in how this weird, cute guy just kept messaging me for weeks after I left my trip and it finally hit me, oh, he likes me.  Dork.

Sometimes, or rather a lot, I’m fairly oblivious to these things.  I can come across completely differently than I had originally intended.  It’s just kind of how it goes, I suppose.  I’m eager to see him again and to also see my own reaction.  I’m taking those ‘calculated’ baby steps.  I needed this year.  JH, the effect of him is lasting no matter what I do, it’s there.  I needed time to let it all go, to let go of the person that I once knew and instead the person that I know now.

People said, "go and check out online dating," ew, "go out and you’ll meet people" (like a club or something) ew, "don’t just focus on work," ugh.  The mini vacation I took this Summer, it was great.  I met some amazing people, people I’m now friends with and tried out AirBNB, where I met Mr. New.  I’m sure another, hopefully, better, term will come about.  However, for now, Mr. New.  We have similar hobbies and just like talking ‘smack’ to one another.  The first thing I said to him, or rather the first full sentence was of me telling him that to "please let me know if I offend him because I’m on vacation and well, I have a lot of sass.  So just let me know, cuz I would just like to have a good time."  We stayed up every night I was there, both in full smiles and making memories.

It was great to just make friends with someone, there never felt like any pressure to do anything or to be anyone.  He got to see me chicken-sh** out of costume for Rocky Horror in public, cuz, well, I’m a modest son-of-a-gun.  So, I quietly don’t know.  I’m nervous because it’s painful what I went through this time last year, or even worse, that past September.  I just keep telling myself, "baby steps."


This could just be a relationship, or rather it is one, let’s get all scientific, but you know what I mean.  Sheesh.  I’m not good at this.  I’m sure if I was, things would be different, honestly, who really knows, right?  So here it is to everything.  I’m glad I listened to myself and just took some time.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Monday, November 23, 2015

Fairytales

E and I have been catching up on Once Upon A Time and I awoke from a dream with the notion, this morning, that I no longer believe in fairy tale endings.  I smiled with this.  Because fairy tale endings mean that there is always hope for a particular ending, of everything working out, however, in reality, that's not how it works.

Reality is the never ending notion that people, society, everything is fairly complicated, sacrifices, compromises, and strong will are always battling it out.  I believe in happy endings, but not in fairy tales.  It's a weird way of putting it.  The loss of hope has definitely altered me.  I'm still me, still pessimistically optimistic about the world, but I no longer have hope that things will always work out.  However, I am happy.

I'm happy that I can create a life for E and me.  I'm working on reconciling my feelings about dating, as I am, dating-ish someone.  I have a heart and I want a family.  I have to answer a question, though, for it to ever work out, and the question is, "am I really willing to risk losing this person?"  I don't know.

Losing the one person you never thought would leave, the one person that saw you at your worst and stood by you, didn't say anything, just held you, gave you strength you never thought you had and was then gone.  Left, due to cowardice.  Do I really want to go through that again?  Honestly, I don't.  Maybe that makes me a coward.  Maybe that gives me a cold heart, or at least one too scared to risk.  I don't know what to say.

I just know that there are no fairy tale endings.  E believes in them and her innocence is beautiful.  I cherish it and respect it.  I'm having a hard time reconciling a choice I made many years ago.  The one where I chose to spend the rest of my life with someone, that I no longer wanted to experience another person.  I don't know how to reconcile and have someone else touch me, touch my heart, touch my cheek, any of it.  I just wish to live my life in peace and raise E.

I'm pretty good about making decisions and keeping them.  In real life, there are no fairy tale endings, but that doesn't mean that you can't have a happy one.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

For all that I am

For all the days and years that pass
I will always love you.
I will always miss you.
And I will always cherish you.

For, in the short time that we shared together,
A lifetime
was lived.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Music

Its been a crazy few days, to say the least!  Here's some music to pass the time.



I cannot get this song out of my head, mostly the guitar riff in the beginning of the song.





E's favorite song right now:

Monday, October 5, 2015

Music Monday

Here's some music that caught my fancy recently.  I hope you enjoy the music.





My Baby Boy


My cousin posted this and shared it with everyone recently.  It hit me hard.  Harder than I'd truly like to admit.  It's completely true.  I didn't have to do the math, I knew his age.  He would have been 7 by now.  I did the math in my head to confirm.  I do the math subconsciously and I don't talk about him much.  I haven't given him a name, it's too much.

You feel like a failure.  There are so many emotions tied up with a miscarriage.  The life that could have been.  None of my pregnancies have made it to term and all I've ever wanted to be was a good mother to many children.  I lost my son.  My daughter is, currently, an only child.  It saddens me to think of him because it was at the point when my marriage fell apart.  Being reminded of that time is not easy.  The loss of him and the loss of my marriage is a deeply sad time in my life.  I want more children and I'll always think of him; the baby that I lost.  The child that will never be.

It is a silent moment in our lives; the loss of a child.  I wanted to get to know him, to protect him, to raise him.  I'll always love my children.  The book my daughter loves me to read to her, the poem that I always recite, was written after two stillborn deaths.  I can relate ever more now in knowing what that poem means.

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.

I have been told since I was sixteen that I'd be lucky if I ever got pregnant.  How lucky I am to have been able to have had E.  I long and wish for the time that I could've also had him too.  I know it is irrational to beat one's self up over the loss of an unborn child, but it is something that is difficult to put into words what that feels like.  I had just found out.  I began to plan and to prepare for him.  Then, he was gone.  I broke at that time.  I buried it down.  I've cried over him many times, I still talk to him and think of him.  As somber as it was to be reminded of him and how he'd be 7, probably in the first/second grade.  I will have more children in my life, more than likely, not from me, so with that I leave with the poem at the end of that book.

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living,
My Mommy you'll be.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Great Things

Things are going well, yet hard.  I have my confidence back and it's helping.  It looks like I will be moving soon.  There's so much on my mind.  I'm falling back into love with life.  To have my confidence back that I can change things and make things better, is a wonderful feeling.  I'm falling again and finding my own voice in all of this.

Friday, September 25, 2015

Desire

We're in close proximity.  He's leaning against the concrete, gazing up at the stars, his arm around me.  I can feel his breath against my hair.  We talk in wonder and of the vastness, his arms envelop me, mine fall to his side, searching for the warmth of his skin.

He brings his hand following the ripples of my body, up along my shoulders, to my neck, the breathing catches, hearts palpitating, fingers up along my chin, across my lips, kissing me, desiring me, we turn together.

I press him up against the coldness, he pulls me up against his form. My hair burries itself in the crevice of his neck. 

My lips graze his exposed skin, my hand holds me firmly against him, while the other explores the tendrils falling from his scalp.  I grasp them and turn his head away, exposing him further as my teeth begin to run along his shoulders up to his ear.  

We then kiss and breath turns into desire, longing, need.  Hands explore the warmth while the swirling wind pushes us ever closer together.

Music Time

I'm having a hard time feeling comfortable right now.  I'm nervous to this dating stuff and I miss my best friend.  I'm stuck and it sucks for all involved.  I feel like I'm poking my toes into a pond with my closed, heart racing, one step forward, one step stuck in the past.  It's going forward, just ever so slowly.



I'm plagued by my own anxiety and fears.  I'm nervously scared.  I barely survived last year, crying myself to sleep every night for months and now, I can't make headway on my feelings.  To be so scared, to want someone, to really enjoy his company, how he's a dork, makes me smile over something mundane, how he's going to fly down and I'll see him, I'm fairly certain that is affecting me the most.  The apprehensive issues, the not knowing, the overthinking, the letting go, the Skype dates, the long text messages, random talks, herro pictures back and forth.



I don't know how to reconcile my feelings and maybe I shouldn't.  I don't know how I feel about things.  I suck at this whole long distance thing.  I'm so confused and lost in that I just don't know exactly what I want.  When I'm with him I don't feel this way.  



I guess you could say I'm scared to start over again.  I'm getting in my own way, clinging onto a past that no longer exists.  I really want to see him and I'd really like to hold his hand.  The simple stuff.



I guess the way to deal with fears, is to express them.  To make them known, to state them out loud.  The fact that I cannot have children, or rather, the likelihood is low for me to get pregnant, let alone be able to carry to term.  None of my pregnancies have gone to term.  I really want children.  I want to be pregnant again, to breastfeed again.  The fear of waiting.  The fear of someone not wanting E the way she deserves.  The fear of it all takes over a lot of the time.  The only way to go forward is to try again.  To make those first steps.  It's terrifying as hell.  I think five years ahead.  I wonder about the next fifty years.  Who will be there?  Who will stay?  Who will be my partner in crime?

Will I grow old?  Who in my family will grow with me?  Who can I grow with?  I am not the same person I was last year.  With all the changes that were made during those times.  Who will I become?  How can I be a better mom?  How can I be a better person?  I feel a tad paralyzed by my own insecurities.  I feel lost.  I feel a tug towards someone I barely know.  I cannot explain it.  I talk to him pretty much every day.  He makes me smile and laugh.  It's pretty great.  I guess, I'm always wondering when the shoe's gonna drop.  When is it going to fall apart this time?  It always does, at least it seems to be the case.

I guess the thing to say is whether or not it will.  Or rather, that aha moment of, oh you have a kid and you don't have time for me.  Things are pretty serious and I just want to have some fun.  I want to be with you before children.  I cannot offer that.  I don't want to offer that.  My entire adult life has been being a mother.  His first girlfriend was a mother, so possibly, he already 'gets' it.  I think we just  need to talk and I need to express myself.  And also just take a freaking chill pill.

I'm scared of making a mistake so I stop living.  It's a bad set-up, one I'm working on fixing.  So fine, talking, getting this out has helped.  I'm just scared and I have to just own it.  I'm scared because it's real.  There's someone that gets me and my dorky-ness.  Someone that was kind, that caught me out of the corner of my eye.  That my gut trusts.  That is a good person, wants a family, wants to settle down, is older, is patient.

So I just need to get out of my head.  I don't know how to do it.  I really want to see him again.  I'm nervous to kiss him, but I'd really like to.  It's hard to trust again, after everything that I've experienced.  It took a year to not be afraid of sleeping next to JH.  It's hard to emotionally go through something that seems so simple to most people.  I'm scared he'll see the flawed me and just....  I'm scared of pushing him away, like I do with most people.

When we met, I was completely myself, no fears about all of this, hanging out, just being me.  Now that we're both interested in myself, gosh, I'm all balskjf;aslkdjf;slakdjf.  Such a dork!  I need to get out of my head.  I'm not sure how to best do this.  I wish he were here and not up in Oregon.  I want to know if we have chemistry.  We spent a good amount of time together in close proximity.  Yet we never touched.  I thought he wasn't interested, yet I felt quite comfortable near him.  I'd like to get together again with him and be close.  I enjoy Skyping and talking.  I'm just a ball of nerves.  I haven't liked someone new in gosh, four years?  It feels very weird.

He'll be here in roughly two weeks' time.  I have a lot to figure out so-to-speak.  I just know I want to see him again.

Thanks for putting up with my rambling.  I'm not sure how else to express myself.  There is a lot going on, it's just.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Music


Date Night

So, we had a date and it was a 6.5 hour Skype date.  I've never done one of those before and I was totally nervous, cuz yeah, I dunno.  We stayed up talking about random stuff and it lasted about 6.5 hours.  I'm amazed.  I mean, we had stayed up talking nearly every night from the day we met talking, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised.  It's just wow.

My face says it all. I wasn't looking for anyone, I'm still dealing with my own heartache and I do not believe in the stupid saying that the best way to get over someone is to start dating other people.  I just needed time to heal, time for me, time to deal with that painful loss. I'll never fully get over JH, and I'm glad that whole aspect of my life, well, I had told him all about and he even met him.  I guess that's weird, but it's just how it turned out.

I really like this guy. He caught my eye and I don't even know it's like, wow. I love baseball and it's an amazing sport, while soccer is just a bunch of people kicking a ball back and forth.  Yet, he has this warped sense of being that soccer is an active sport and baseball is a bunch of lazy people on steroids.  He is completely wrong and has no idea what he's talking about.  So I mean hey, there's that major issue that we cannot forget, nor dismiss.

My eyes hurt and are scratchy and want to be closed and want me to go back to sleep.  I don't know how I stayed up so late talking, but I did, I did not notice the time.  I don't 'need' to be in a relationship, I've got my sh** together.  I'm fairly happy with where things are in life.  However, I want to see him again.  I enjoy talking with him and spending time with him.  I look forward to this.  I don't know how this is going to work out, but I'm excited to see where this is all going.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Monday, August 31, 2015

Friday, August 28, 2015

Quote Inspiration

"If I date you,
I see myself marrying you.
I see myself building with you.
I see myself growing with you.
I don't date to just pass the time.
I'm dating you because I see
potential in you..."

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Starting Over :)

I'm glad I've listened to my own gut.  My therapist, last year, told me that I should go out and start dating again since there was a very real reality with my ability to have children.  I'm grateful I did not throw myself back into the dating game.

I needed to just do me, throw myself into dealing with the loss.  I'm not perfect, I'm still dealing with that loss.  However, I met someone.  Someone that I didn't realize when I met him that I'd look at him differently.

It's been a slow progression and I'm amazed.  Someone that gets my dorky, sarcastic nature, whom I recently said I like you and I'd like to get to know you better.  In what way?  I dunno, anything really.  I fancy you and your company, what can I say?

I don't know if it's going to go anywhere.  I don't think I'll ever be over JH, that's something that you could never get over it just is.  This is the first time I've really liked someone new in a long time.  I really like this person's personality, disposition ... he's witty and smart.  I dunno if there will be any chemistry beyond a very fun and enthusiastic friendship.  It's just, I feel pursued and I'm responding in kind.  It came out of nowhere, from my vacation.  

So again, it's the beginning stages of hey, I like you, do you?  Don't you?  When will you be visiting again?  What's up with your life?  I'm socially awkward and I joke about a lot of things and to have someone do that right back.  You tend to stop and take notice.  The thing that I am listening to my therapist on is to pay attention to values, make sure they align with what I want.  How does this person interact with friends? Family? Overall family values?  Life goals?  All of those fun things.  So far, intrigued.

My best friend says I'm smitten.  So what?  I am.  In general, a great new friend.  I'm amazed that something stirred in me when I wasn't even looking nor really even trying, at all.  Just being me, him being him and it's like, take notice.  It really started from a conversation we had a few days ago, sarcastically discussing and talking about pillows randomly.  We spent a hilarious couple of hours talking about inanimate objects and I was like, oh L, you're into him.  Admit it, you are.  You're attracted to him and he has kept messaging you since you left a few weeks ago.  Take notice.  So I am.

This song came up on a playlist I was listening to and well might as well share a good song with this story.  Prost to starting over.  I finally feel ready to begin dating again.  I want a family, it would be great to share that with someone.  It's great to feel desired for my mind, my witty sarcasm (no-holds-bar), body, and random adventures.  I'm ready.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Music







I know I've played this song a few times over the years and it originally was written for Mr. B.  I do hope he's happy as well.  Now it's for the end of JH.  He's the only man I ever wanted to marry, have kids, have a family.  Life never works out the way you want and that's okay.  I look forward to getting to know him as a friend.  I'll love him forever.  The ball has been in his court for over a year.  It's time to put that nail in that coffin, I suppose.  He made a promise before he left to find a home for us, and it was that if it didn't work out he'd come home.  He's in massive debt, his expenses exceed his income, to me that's not working out. He'd rather be in the situation he's in than come home or....  So I get it, I do.



Good thing starting though is, I'm starting to rekindle hope again for love.  I want kids, I want a family and it's time to start trying again.



This song is too fitting now.  Yet, it means more to me in ways I don't know how best to express.  I'll always think of him.  I've been told many times that they will think of me when they are old and looking back on their lives.  All I ever wanted was to spend my life and a family, looking back on our lives together.

No one is perfect, I have things that I need to work on, everyone does.  It's commitment and the desire to grow together.  I play for keeps and commitment.

Side Note: Medication is helping with my albino cheetah status on my body due to my allergic reaction.  I'm feeling much better.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Fun times

I got sick, from my stay in Oregon, got a course of antibiotics.  Now I'm finding out I'm allergic to those.  I look like an albino cheetah and it's causing pain.  Real pain.  I will be MIA for some time as it is affecting every aspect of my life.  I've been told that I am speaking too quietly on the phone while at work and when E wants to go to the park, I just take her down to the pool at my apartment for her to have fun. The park, though a block and a half (if that) away, it is just too far.

I got sick from being careless and I don't know, I hope it all works out in the end.  My legs are just killing me from this.  Hopefully the doc has some answers soon as I'd like to take E camping one more time for the Summer with her best friend.  I will admit, it's fairly hilarious to look at, but I'm honestly quite done as it is very painful.  They don't really itch, it's just pain and the pain meds that I have are barely curbing it.  The 'pink lotion' which I forget the name of, is on my arms and legs, helping to ease the pain, but it's not enough.  It's causing a pain flare and those, words barely express the mind-numbing agony that it causes.  I have a new doctor and I truly hope he will care and will do something to stop the pain and make the marks on my body go away.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Love

I was talking with some of my friends recently.  We were all discussing dating, relationships... they had such hope in their eyes.  I don't mind talking about what I want in life, what I want in a partner, how I want to grow old with a partner, have a real relationship.  I guess, I just don't believe in it anymore.  I don't believe that people are willing to stick together.  It's all about me me me, not about what is best for the relationship.  Letting things go, making things work, bending, growing, working together.

You aren't always going to like everything that you do.  That's just a fact of life, but yet, we expect this in most relationships.  To always be happy.  JH said, that being near me brought up a lot of stuff, he pushed me away.  It would be wrong of me to say that it did not bring up things for me too.  Yet, we never discuss anything.

I'm very much in my own mind right now, spending time with E, now that she is home.  I'm not sure what to say.  I'm in a weird place, content with being and doing my own thing.  I got sick recently and am on antibiotics, which is tough on my system.  I hope things work out soon and we shall see if anything changes.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Him

The reason I said what I said the other day was due to an interaction between us.  We both have spent some time together, though I've spent most of my vacation time with a variety of other amazing people exploring the town.

The hard part is that with what was said, it didn't break my heart, it felt like I was being stabbed in my soul.  I no longer view him in the same way anymore as I once did.  I view him now as I do any other lover or partner I've ever had.  The special-ness that once existed between us is just gone.  It's a fond memory, many fond memories and that's where they should be.

It's odd to view him the way I do all the others (albeit few, but others exist).  His reaction was tough to process.  He has a lot of things to figure out.  I've made myself very clear on where I want things to be and he needs to just do whatever it is he's going to do.

It was a goodbye.  A final goodbye.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Reality

I never should have seen JH.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Vacation!

Vacation has been wonderful thus far! I've traveled the nightlife, made a few friends with a few amazing people, even caught up with JH.

We were both able to say things that needed to be said. I feel that we were both unable to be blunt and truly honest with each other, so we stopped talking.

It was great to realize how easily we were able to fall back into talking, being dorks, just, how we are together. It was surreal to give him a hug, be in close proximity.

It's been so long since I've had that closeness near someone.

I'm not sure how to best put it into words. So anyhoo, vacation is amazing.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Struggling and Exciting Times

My mind travels away from me most days; thinking, longing, desiring...more.  I have a hard time connecting with people that don't have any long-term goals or plans in their lives.  I can empathize with people in their life, but sympathy is not always something that I can share with others.

I have cravings for the life that I grew up with, in a way.  The way my Grandfather was always there for me, always there with me, whether thousands of miles separated us, we were both incredibly close.  He instilled in me a value of working hard, that you aren't entitled to anything, you have to work hard for it and then some.

I apply this rationale to my work and family life, personally, but I realized I don't with close relationships.  I have put that 5/6th on my list of to do list.  As a result, I have some improvements that I need to do there.  Some of the things I miss a lot are holding hands, the calmness that you feel laying next to someone during a cold night, the dorky faces made whilst walking around town, all of those socially acceptable experiences.

I tend to get in my own way and am awkward with people.  Though, if you think about it, we all kind of are.  We all either get in our own ways, or well, we fix it, change course.  I can either ignore people, or I could actually put some effort into this part of my life that I've completely and utterly shut down.

New adventures this week as I'll be going on vacation to explore a city I haven't had the pleasure to spend enough time in.  I'm incredibly excited!  I love the pacific northwest.  I've always loved driving through and stopping.  Just need to pack my bags today/tomorrow and then I'm off for some new adventures.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Monday, July 27, 2015

Netflix and Indie Films

I have Netflix and I've been enjoying it's collection of 'Indie Films' most of which debut at the German Film Festival.  A few of them have truly touched me and I like how they don't have the typical happy endings that, pretty much, every film has.  My two favorites thus far are Freier Fall and Getting Go, the go doc project.

It all started with watching the Netflix series, Sense 8.  I could've sworn I'd seen the German actor before, still cannot recall which film I've seen him in.  Either case, noticed Netflix had one of the film's he's in and watched it.  Then a few other films came up and I began watching them.

What I most enjoy about these two films is how well they showcase the conflict of identity, falling for someone and the innermost struggle of dealing with changing someone, how that just does not happen, how hard it is to express one's own emotions to another.  The Getting Go, the go doc project, the fact that the two actors fell seemingly between acting and authentic documentary truly captured the essence of the film.  If it wasn't for that, I don't think it would have worked.

t was a fairly relatable film.  The awkwardness of an encounter with someone you're attracted to, talking to a person, falling, the obsession, the ultimate betrayal and the attempt of friendship.  They are both beautiful and very well depicted.  I look forward to seeing more of what these actors and directors make over the course of their careers.  So my recommendation is, check out these two films, you will be pleasantly surprised.  If you think my tastes in films isn't yours, well, all I can say is, enjoy something outside of your normal comfort zones.

Any recommendations on films that any of you have seen lately or that resonate with you?

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Time

Nearly twelve years, and nearly five hours ago my family dog was put to sleep at home.

Words cannot express this loss, especially for my daughter. It was obvious, when I saw him this morning, he knew what was going on and just couldn't anymore.

I'm at a loss and am beside myself.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Wake Up to This..

I would love to wake up to this song.... Maybe the day after my wedding, or something special, anniversary, all that fun stuff.  I'd love to blast this and sing this to someone.

Dancing Music

All I've ever really wanted, is someone to dance with.  We make dinner, music playing in the background, she comes up behind me, pulls me close, kisses me on the neck, and we begin dancing.  I'd love to do that to someone too.  And so, inspiration from awaking this morning to those thoughts, here is some music to put you into that mood as well.






Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Favorite Song

This has to be one of my most favorite songs of all time.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Music Monday



I'm redoing my apartment.  Making E's room nice, setting up a sewing station.  I mean yes, I'm excited for this new career and I do hope that there will be a place there for me.  However, as optimistic of a person I will always be, I am also a believer in prudent planning.  More specifically the phrase I always follow, "Don't burn a bridge unless you have to."

I want to be a better mother and I need to do nice things for E.  I spend a lot of time in my head, I have a hard time in new places.  I'm glad she's adjusted and I need to treat my new friends the way I do with my old.  Ask them over for dinner, hang out with them.  Show up with some dinner and wine.  I'm a social creature.

I visited my parents, whom are watching E at the moment, and they started belittling each other in front of E.  I sent E to her bedroom there to finish her dinner, we talked later fyi, this was the first time this had happened during her stay.  I told her that if it happened again to pick up her phone and call me and she'd come home, not a problem.  She would be okay.  Getting back to my parents, I gave them information for the therapist that I used while E's Dad and I separated.  She specializes in marriage and family therapy.  They need help, they have both hurt each other and cannot communicate.  I helped them through their spat, I do hope they go to therapy.  I told them flat out, fine, you've had 32 years of marriage, but do you really want to spend the next 30 years like this?  Or do you want to fix it? Because the crap you do to each other is terrible and NOT okay and you both are screwing it up.

I believe relationships take work.  They are NOT easy.  It is not easy opening up and showing the direct spot of where to point the knife and to say please, help me close it, but when SH** happens, they could just poke it with such force with the mention of just one word, one expression, instead of just a hug and forgiveness.

I finally feel whole because I've let go the pain of the past.  Yes, I do still cry, yes I do still think of everyone, but I feel an urge to figure out who I am.  What do I want?  What type of mother do I wish to be?  My daughter will know me and how I have dealt with depression.  As much as you want to hide it from your child, you can't.  They see it.  She talked about it.  I need to do better.  It is hard with parents that argue, that live hundreds of miles apart, that cause each other grief and pain.  Our relationship then and now, I wish it were better.  I wish that at her wedding day we could both be there and things will be fine.  I do wish the best for her.

She is growing up so fast before my eyes.  I was such a scared mother, so scared of not owning my own body, my own food, my own life.  PTSD is a very real aspect and as much as I 'deal' with it, it isn't an easy thing.  I do my techniques, it's much better than it was.  It's hard to explain without going into the gory details, but I don't talk about it openly, just with certain people.  It's how it is, plus most people, people that haven't experienced it either as a supporter or as a person that has it, you just, cannot understand.  People react differently to it.  Some people run away, some people judge, some people avoid, some people hug you and hold you tight.  Or the people you love do all of it to you and you break.

I'm in a very good place and I'm whole.  I wish to grow my love and caring of others.  I'm excited to become a foster parent and I am setting up my home and life in such a way that I can be one.  My current job would be flexible and supportive of this endeavor.  I would hope that the next career I choose to take would be as supportive.

I'm truly happy.  I wish to share it with people. Whether a quilting group, some new friends, a lover, my daughter, my nieces, or even so much more.

I went over to a friend's house and we hung out for hours last week.  It was truly wonderful.  I do have a good life here, and yes, I wish to leave this company, I'm torn.  Which is why this song means so much.  I'm not sure how to feel about a lot of things.  I feel very strongly, I love with every part of my soul.

As it says in the Bronx tale, you are offered three great loves.  My first true love, Mr B.  The one person that I wanted to have children with and grow old with JH.  So maybe it will take 30 years, I don't know, but I'm not waiting around.  I have important things to accomplish.

I might see JH this week, which does bring up a lot of emotions.  It's weird to look back and to realize that the future I used to see, was the present at the time and has now become the past.  This was the feeling I had with Mr B at the end.  I held on, tried to make it work, pushed that it should be a relationships, I really just wanted kids.  I loved him, but I wanted that so much.  He was and most likely still is an alcoholic.

It's weird looking back on past loves.  I've learned so much of myself, thinking of what I was dealing with, how I was avoiding my problems, focusing on anything to avoid what I was feeling.  

This time alone has been great, has brought me closer together with E.

I made a promise to her after her father did what he did to us that one drunken night that neither of them remember (but I still have those pictures).  I promised her that I would make sure she knew how a man is supposed to treat a woman.  The two men she only ever knew were Mr B and JH.  I hope I've made good decisions in those examples.  I feel I have.  I'm a worry-wart of a mother.  It cannot be helped!

And so I am remaking her room, organizing it and getting a few decorations together so that she can decide where she will like them (she already picked them out when we were window-shopping).



And because, well David Tennant, 10th Doctor, great song.  It's fitting so enjoy!


 Oh Mumford and Sons, so fitting, as always.



 

Saturday, July 18, 2015

In a few weeks

In a few weeks, I interview for a new career. I also say goodbye to my old life. I was writing a post/letter and I realized how much I just no longer wished to write about the topic anymore. It was very cathartic.

I called up someone I've been interested in for sometime and we are getting together this following week. I'm excited to have some fun. I'm excited to be happy, take things slow and to just enjoy life.

I took E outside, in the rain. It was wonderful. I told her that if you've never danced in the rain you must. We ran outside, jumped in puddles, splashed one another. It was perfect.

Time to live!

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Pain

It's been nearly 18 months since I've stopped taking the medication that helps to stop the pain that I feel every day.  I have chronic pain.  I've had it since my daughter, E, was born.  There's no cure and they don't fully understand why.

It takes 6 months for the drug to fully leave your body and roughly a year until there's no trace of it, it's a powerful medication, non-habit forming, non-narcotic.  Safe to say, it works wonders, but there are side-effects, namely the loss of cognitive memory and function, aka it dumbs me down.  It's also toxic to a fetus.

I wanted kids.  So I worked with my doctor to taper down the dosage, go off of the medication.  After a year, we did fertility testing because well my body was acting 'weird' for someone of my age and all the womanly functions, only to discover the likelihood of me having children, is very low.  Going on any medication to help with my fertility could cause other medical problems to persist.

I've lived in pain since then, I wanted to still have my body to maybe, I don't know, I want children.  If I were ever to become pregnant again, I'd fight to keep it alive, just like I did with E.  No matter how bad it got with E, I carried her as long as I could and was able to.  6 weeks early and I got to take her home after a few days in the hospital.  The demon child inside of my womb was a perfect, quiet child that porked up so fast.  I always said I would do one more.  Just one more.

The pain just became unbearable today.  I went back on the medication.  It will take time for it to build up in my system again.  My short-term memory, I will have to use all of my techniques of writing everything down and reviewing it constantly to make it into long-term memory.  It's a process.

Nearly 10 years and pain.  Every, single, day.  I will have more children, I will adopt, I will foster.  I may never carry again, but carrying a child doesn't make you a mother.  What makes you a mother is all that you do for your children.

The pain is all-encompassing today.  It's like a wave washes between the insides of your bones, flowing effortlessly inbetween the layers of your muscles and you cannot focus.  The pain is everywhere, always there, always a reminder.  Sometimes I can get relief it's not often, but when I can, words can't express what it's like.  I wish that one day I could wake up and be free from this.  Ever since I had E, I've had this.  I chose to have her, I will never regret her, she is my reason for ... well everything that I do.  I'm proud to be her mother.  I just wish the pain didn't take away as much as it does.

So since no more children from me, at least for now with where things stand, time to go back on the medication.  I could endure the pain to increase my family, but I cannot endure it otherwise.  

Monday, July 13, 2015

Calm Music for the Day



Music Monday

I came across this song on the radio and fell in love instantly.  Great fun song to get up and just dance to.



Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Mmmm Tasty Babies

I saw a woman today when I was getting coffee, the other day.  She had her 18 month-old son, whom reminded me closely of E at that age.  Just all full of laughter, curiosity, and love.

My motherly instinct is something I cannot deny. I've had the urge to have more children since E was six months old. I cannot carry and the possibility of getting pregnant, well, slim. I do plan to see my doctor and see my options.

However, regardless, I don't wish to carry another child into this world alone. Yet, I've always wanted to be a foster parent. I've always believed in adoption.

Once I figure out my work and living situation, I'll begin the process of becoming a foster parent. One day, I do wish to adopt. I'd love to grow my love with a family, in everything, in every way.

It's something that I've always wanted.  I wanted to share a child with another, but /shrugs it's not always in the cards.  I've always wanted to be a mom and I am.  Time to grow and do the things I've always wanted to do, ever since I was 8 years old I've wanted to be a foster mother.

More Music



Monday, June 29, 2015

Friday, June 26, 2015

Supreme Court Today

As soon as I checked the internet today it was a beautiful sight!  I'm in tears at the office, words can't express what it feels like right now.  I can have a wife or a husband, it doesn't matter, that marriage will be recognized.  My religious faith, is what it is, that's it's own complexity, but I can marry whomever I choose now.  It's a beautiful day in America.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Music Feature because I can









"Momma once told me
You're already home where you feel love
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind"






he said, "If she doesn't call, then it's her fault and it's her loss."
I say, "It's not that simple see, but then again it just may be."







Love writes a letter and sends it to Hate:
"My vacation's ending, I'm coming home late
The weather was fine and the ocean was great
And I can't wait to see you again."

Hate reads the letter and throws it away
"No one here cares if you go or you stay
I barely even noticed that you were away
I'll see you or I won't, whatever."

Love sings a song as she sails through the sky
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes
And everyone knows it whenever she flies
And also when she comes down

Hate keeps his head up and walks through these streets
Every stranger and drifter he greets
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
With a serious look on his face

Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow
Carrying with her the good things we know
A reason to live and a reason to grow
To trust and to hold and to care

Hate sits alone on the hood of his car
Without much regard to the moon or the stars
Lazily killing the last of a jar
Of the strongest stuff you can drink

Love takes a taxi, a young man drives
As soon he sees her hope fills his eyes
But tears follow after at the end of the ride
Because he might never see her again

Patience, patience, patience

Hate gets home lucky to still be alive
He screams over the sidewalk and into the drive
The clock in the kitchen says 2:55
And the clock in the kitchen is slow

Love has been waiting patient and kind
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign
That the one that she cares for who's out of his mind
Will make it back safe to her arms

Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door
Weary head hung down, eyes to the floor
He says, "Love, I'm sorry," and she says, "What for?
I'm yours and that's it, whatever
I should not have been gone for so long
I'm yours and that's it, forever
Your mine and that's it, forever"

Working Out and Life

Yeah, easier said than done.  I've perfected this couch potato, catch up on TV shows since my kiddo is away and enjoy the profoundness of the internet.  Procrastination speaking, clean up my place tomorrow since a friend is coming over to crash for a night and possibly, consider, exercising.

I went swimming with E and her best friend last Friday, before I drove up to drop her off at her father's and then spent the weekend with friends.  This was one of the best things I could've done for myself.

I'm nearly 30, I have not completed my Undergraduate Degree, but I have worked my way up to be a respected person in my Industry, I have a Professional Business Certificate, working on another one, and I'm the Director of a department.  I've accomplished a lot in such a small amount of time.  I just always believe that I could always do better, work harder, be better and so that's the plan.

I've got my bucket list, which I'll post soon, for the Summer of what I'd like to accomplish.  So, working out, yes, it's easier said than done to start a new workout routine, or truly, any new routine.  I plan to go home tonight, and no, no more procrastinating, I'll go swimming while my laundry is in the wash, since they're right next to each other.

I've spent years not living, surviving, and I finally feel like I have a chance, I still have many things I need to work on and do, but I also feel like I can finally breathe and I have a moment to live, to truly live.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Moving Forward

So my job, I'm ready for a change, yes, it's been 6 months, but the fact that the assault isn't being taken seriously and these people, it's time to move forward and move on.  The agreement with my ex is moving forward and it opens up the possibilities for moving elsewhere, broadening my abilities to procure a new career.

I have a great daughter and this will not be easy on her.  It weighs on me, but my disgust by this place is too much to bare.  I need to be happy and live in a place I enjoy.  So I'll be spending the Summer visiting and looking at places I wish to raise E and have a life with her.  It's E and me against the world.  

I have a date this week, but, I don't know why I agreed to it.  I guess mostly because of just getting back into practice.  My last date was, well, months ago.  I like this person as well, a person that is breathing.  I don't see a future, it's nice to just feel wanted.  I feel bad, kind of like leading this person on, it's just a first date, so meh.  My girlfriends say that I overthink everything, which is true.  I'll go out on this date, since I said yes, however, I need to remind myself that it's okay to just say no, let's just be friends.

I'm content with it just being E and me.  In my mind I justify it in that I already made the decision for whom I wish to spend the rest of my life with, and well, I was rejected.  So, decision has been done, check, move on, don't need to dwell.  It's weird, I go out, dance, have fun, have a kiss or two and I'm good.  I have 'needs' everyone does, but I don't want that empty feeling afterwards.  I guess, I get in my own way.  If I don't date and meet someone, well, I'll never get that connection with anyone to go anywhere, but I just I don't know how to explain it.  I don't feel like settling for just anyone, for just any reason.

I look back at that scared young woman, over 9 years ago, pregnant, scared, terrified.  I was about to end my relationship with E's father, and start dating other people in College, possibly join a Sorority, mostly because, why not?  Take more biochemistry courses to become a medical scientist as a hobby, sociologist studying human behavior in work environments by day.  Oh how everything changed.  Oh how I didn't believe in myself at all, how I thought I needed someone else to make the big decisions, and yet at the same time, that I could never kill the life growing in me, no matter the struggles of my body rejecting her, of my own family hating her and hating the decisions I made.  The terrible things said about my unborn child, about me, about how I'd never amount to anything, that the difficulties in having a child made me inferior breeding stock (great husband remark, right?), or that I was throwing my future away.  Oh how everyone has had to eat their words because it was her.  She needed me.  And it was all because of her very rare disorder that caused her to have a severe reaction to a vaccine, as well as her allergy to tree nuts, that mom, that word, became so much more to me.  That the abuse of fists being thrown at the wall near my head, the blurred nights that my ex-husband doesn't remember, but I do, and thankfully, E has also forgotten, for her sake.  The standing in the poverty line at the welfare office asking for help, pride means nothing except when it is the will to do better, to provide better, to be better.  To keep going forward for your own dreams because you HAVE to.  You HAVE to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to find a way to better your life because it matters.  Because if I expect her to do well, she has to see it in me first.

My Grandmother is the most important person to me because she showed me love when I needed it most as a child.  She became my beacon of hope and of life, and E, she is the reason I work so hard to be that person my Grandmother was.  I am not perfect, I screw up and I struggle with life.

It's nearly ten years and I look  back at my 18 year old self, sitting in my college dorm, crying, scared, freaking out, what am I going to do???  I am not that same person, I will never be her again, I'm not that same person I was a few years ago, let alone last year, when I picked up everything to just escape ANYWHERE away from San Diego, to escape the memories of JH.  It was the best thing I could have done at the time.

He stole my heart, in a way that was perfect and beautiful.  I feel at peace now.  I love who I am and I know that I can handle anything that comes my way.  Nothing in life is easy, nothing in life that matters anyways.  I know why I'm not ready for anyone else, not yet anyways and it's a fear that I have, a very founded fear.  The truth is that when I met him all those years ago, our first encounter, it stopped us both and no one else has mattered since, nor before.  I was with others, dated others, was wish others, and as much as in the moment I was with them, I always, at one point or another, stopped, looked away, closed my eyes, and remembered each time with him.  What it felt like, what it was.  It became second nature, and then of course, you open your eyes and it isn't that person, that person doesn't make you feel the way you felt, nothing ever comes close to it, and truly, nothing ever could.

There were those few great years with him.  I look back on them fondly, I remember them as they were, those wonderful promises that people make to each other, oh how cute we were and oh how it's just never going to happen.  How I laid it all out there last year,  I did what my head and heart needed, said everything that needed to be said.  I move on with the memory of how beautiful it was and I stop myself on dates because, I've never truly known how to get past that feeling that we had, what we were, what we always will be.

I wish for better days, to see that lovely smile again, to dance in the moonlight and talk about nothing as if everything between us is, just is.  Our adventures, just driving hands enraptured, the night hikes, the caress of his kiss on my skin, meeting his Opa, him with E and the playdough when she was 3, his kiss on my forhead, how he felt, and how just looking into his eyes he was lost in me, all that hope.  I know why he ran, it doesn't change the fact of what happened and how strong I was and how I knew I was making the right decision to be the one to end us, it still doesn't change the fact that it cut me down that he let me walk away.

I have had to be the strong one, hold myself together, block E from the whistling wind of chaos, I felt for awhile that I had a rock tethering me to the ground.  He held me together when I felt I would lose who I was.  I know I reminded him of his internal chaos with family, his parents' and his choice and decisions to not deal with his past affected us, no matter what he says.

I love me, I love E, and I love him and I can talk to him at any time, anywhere about anything and I'll be fine.  I do wish to smack him upside the head with some common sense, but that's not going to get us anywhere.  There are three things that separate us and always will.  I don't know how to think of anyone else when he touched my life in the most beautiful way possible.  Soul mates are with you for as long as they are, a lifetime happened in that moment back in January 2009, I'll never forget it.  For me, and I'm sure with him, it's the reason we keep coming back and talking to one another.

It's just, reliving the past, I'm done, I'll love him until the day that I die and most likely, that love will continue on.  We desire different things, he desires punishing himself over and over again because he doesn't deserve to be happy and he keeps recreating the same problems in his life as he leaves one place for another.  It's ridiculously obvious, which is the sad thing.  Love is strange and beautiful.

I look forward to my future and life right now with a vigor I cannot express.  Everyone at work says I look refreshed, alive, and I do feel that way.  I have a goal and if it doesn't work out, well, I'll figure it out.  I'll continue to talk to him for as long as he wishes to talk to me, he's an important person to my general happiness.  I have no desire to pursue him beyond that, it will kill me the day he meets someone else and has a family, there's no doubt in that.  I just know he won't commit to me, to E and to children with me, our three differences.  He'll most likely accidentally get someone pregnant and voila he'll step up.  I've always known that this scenario would be the most likely possibility of him ever becoming a father, I always wanted him to choose us.

He never did.  Three and a half years later (truly five and a half years, but need to take out the 'break' time) and there it is.  I love this man but I'm not stupid.  I just have no idea how to find someone else.  I do wish to try, so yes, I am doing this dating stuff, it's just, love.

He taught me so much about myself, how to love myself, how to love someone, how to accept love, what trust is, how to trust someone again, after E's father, it's, not easy to say the least.  That mistakes happen, gosh, I am not great when it comes to tough topics.

I live my life now and if someone comes along that strikes my fancy, well, maybe we can both explore that rabbit hole.  I don't know if anyone will ever be as special to me.  I gave up hope last year that he would ever want to spend the next fifty years of his life with me and E and maybe some kiddos.  If it changes, well, I have no idea what my reaction would even be at this point.

Right now the only thing I hope for is to be able to go to his grave when he does pass on, to say my goodbyes to him.  I hope I'd get notified, but I know he keeps me separate from his family.  That is the one thing I hope for, is to be alive or at least be able to remember those that have touched my heart when they pass on.  Because Birthdays and Anniversaries and someone's Life matters.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Daughter's Friend, G

My Daughter's Girl Scout friend, G, fell and had an aneurysm roughly a week ago.  She was put in a medically induced coma, had surgery on her brain to kill the vein that was bleeding, as well as to drain the blood out of her head.  She's since woken up scared and unable to move her right side of her body.  The doctors are in shock that she has awoken already.  She is confused and unable to move her right side.  She now recognizes her parents and family, it's a lot.  All I ask is whether you're religious or not, that you pray or have thoughts for her and her speedy recovery.  She is only 9 years old and I can only imagine what her family is going through.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Music Monday














And now it's time to begin again.  I feel alive.  It's taken time, that missing cog well, is put in it's place and time for my new chapter of 'adulting' now.  "The sun is shining, it's a brand new day."