Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Love and Life

It was six  five years ago that I fell in love.  I remember it all so vividly as my daughter and I were going through old birthday pictures the other night.  Pictures of JH in the background, my niece in his lap whilst E is unwrapping presents.

She wanted to go through her old pictures, Christmas times, birthdays. It was cute. Her telling me stories of what she remembered, me correcting her on a few things.

Love never truly ends, we just, feel it differently I suppose.  I think that's also why I'm not upset over the infamous date that never happened. I honestly haven't had a date since May of last year. JH and I had dinner and discussed how we make our relationship work what it was I needed and of the move to Oregon.

Well, promises were made and left. I think back on it all and I smile, I'm not ready for something as serious as it was with him. I don't even know if I could really ever let go and love like that again.

It may not be fair to anyone else, but it is what it is. I'm enjoying my new life and my new job and I know it will take a truly amazing person to change my new warped opinion on love.

It was nice to remember over a year and a half ago at E`s birthday and how loved I felt, how much love I was capable of feeling, and how resilient my daughter has been through this with me.

It's just her and me. Her father well, isn't around and it isn't easy, nothing in life that matters is easy. Even if deleting his number, his texts, etc has helped me to move on, I'm not going to erase him from her birthday pictures, or any other event. He made her happy. He made me happy.

Six years of loving someone. It leaves a mark. It's a healing wound where just the sight of him opens it back up. Sometimes it can be painful, but, recently, its been a different emotion, hard to put into words. Melancholy is the closest way to put it.

I'm not sure exactly how to begin dating again. I at least had an attempt at one. I'm joining groups, meeting other moms, it will happen, didn't but surely. I want to feel the way I felt with him, I want someone to feel the way I made him feel. My point is that I'm doubtful that it will happen. I'm pessimistic about it, but I'm also optimistic in finding someone to spend my life with.

Whether it be a marriage, a relationship, or a great group of friends.

Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

No comments: