Saturday, February 28, 2015

Birthdays Matter

It's always nice to know those people that don't need a social media reminder to remember birthdays. I cherish those that remember my birthday because, to me, birthdays matter.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Okay, dating. It's time darnit!

Okay, so it's time. The most erotic experience I had recently ed in getting my hair cut. Let me paint thus magical picture for you. Her hands were in my hair, as I lay there. She rubbed the suds of from the shampoo deep info my hair along my scalp, nails pulling on my strands, bringing me to her attention. She trimmed and tussled my strands with her expert hands, gracefully moving around me. She turned on the clippers and they vibrated against the short hairs of my neck, making my skin ache for more.

I miss human contact. I miss the human connection and warmth of the skin on skin contact. I miss feeling a person's smile against my cheek. I miss that. It's time.

I spoke to my ex, wished him a happy birthday. I love him, but I love me more. I'm glad his sister is getting married, finally, she's been with her man for many years. He got a raise, but alas, trading one 80 hour job for another doesn't seem like much of a life to me, but then again, but my problem to cope with anymore. So meh.

I'm very content with my life. Celibacy had not been easy. Anyone that knows me knows I enjoy a rich sexual life, though I've had very few partners. VERY few. JH was number four for me upon our first year together. We did have a long break on that time. It is what it is.

I don't miss the dating game. It's not something I'm very good at, but alas, I miss friendship. Being near a smart, like minded person. So it's time. UGH! I know, I know, ugh. This bull again? Yes, time again.

I haven't had a first date on four years. It was the best first date I've ever had, hands down. I could talk about that date for awhile.... I'm not quite sure whatever happened that caused that one to end, but it did. S*** happens and you have to move on.

Silence is an answer in and of itself. And your ego gets bruised acc you move on. It's weird when that happens. They day oh yeah, I'll call, just busy, don't worry. Pshhh. Us women, especially us single moms, we don't have time for bull, we can pick up on it real fast.

We hold in our pain and pick ourselves up. We have someone that kind of needs us to NOT be depressed. Cuz they need us to feed them, ugh, mommy work ;-).

So time....again. There's a possibility of a date in a week and a half. So, hmmm. A date doesn't mean forever. So fine. I'll agree to a meet up. If the timing doesn't work, still then, sitter gets called and I can still go out with a friend :-).

I wish things could've worked out, but I'm also one-day and happy with how things are now. Everything happens for a reason.

Attraction


These photographs come from postsecret.com.  I couldn't agree more with these two postings. One of these days they may all align....

Monday, February 23, 2015

Monday, February 16, 2015

Music

I got stuck on a few songs that Mumford sang using Bob Dylan's lyrics, from the series The Lost Basement Tapes that Showtime did this past November, 2014.







I love these renditions.  Bob Dylan has always been one of my all time favorite lyricists. Blood on the Tracks will always be a favorite collection of songs for me.

Here are a few other songs that caught my ear while I was listening to other remakes of songs.


I like this version best:


Wednesday, February 11, 2015

New Life

My boss, the CEO of the company I now work for, brought me into his office yesterday morning, I teared up I was so touched by his comments.  He truly cares about his employees, he treats everyone of us as family, which means, it can be dysfunctional at times, but truly cares.  He asked me how things were going and that it would be a good idea to start getting out because if you don't you won't meet people, look at me, I haven't ever married and never will.  He was born in 1925.

He has seen me with my daughter as I have had to bring her to work due to cancelled school.  I always worry whether I'm a good enough mother, whether the decisions I make are correct.  He has seen me with her and wanted me to know that he can tell that E loves me because no child would sit for eight hours entertaining herself if she didn't, so that I could get my work done.  That I've done a good job as a mother but that it's also a good idea to get out there and to make friends.

He invited me to his church, and though it is not a church for my family, it's a bit too much, but everyone is different anyhoo, he just wanted to extend a hand to join a community.  It is very kind.  There aren't too many people that truly care and I've had very few bosses that have truly given a damn when it comes to making time for E, that it doesn't matter, you still need to show up to work and they don't care.  It's YOUR problem to figure out rather than putting family first.

It touched me and in writing this it is bringing me to tears, but I will hold them back, for now.  My gratitude for this opportunity has meant more to me than most will ever truly realize.  I feel like I can live my life, I'm not stuck just trying to get by, I feel like I can breathe again.  Yes, I understand his point, yes I'd enjoy friends, or even sharing my life with someone, but he also doesn't know everything that I've been through and I want some time for me.

I am mingling with a few other moms and looking for some community events for E as she needs it for her development.  I also need to get out there, I just honestly, don't know how.  I feel awkward talking to people, but then again, just jump right in.  What's the worst that can happen?

So I appreciate my boss and his candor.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

More Music



"Ring like crazy, ring like hell
Turn me back into that wild haired gale
Ring like silver, ring like gold
Turn these diamonds straight back into coal
Turn these diamonds straight back into coal"





"Dreaming up this golden grain
But I'm falling from this shack
Talking sweet to the queen
Wishing I was riding with the jacks
Walking proud and lonesome now
Oh I'm yearning for the pack
But I'd never say "I love you," dear
Just to hear you say it back

"I've heard the road to every truth
It's just a cul-de-sac
There's ladies and the lions there 
But you know it's just an act
You search the world for the milk of the pearl
She always takes it black
But you'll love her till it all goes dark
You'll love her even after that"





Monday, February 9, 2015

Music Monday





Celibacy

I've been taking time for myself lately.  I've experienced and finally worked through my emotions of being alone.  That I don't need anyone else to complete me.  Sending E off to her Father's over the Summer, well taught me a lot of how to handle being by myself.  I mean honestly, let's think about it, I was never by myself, out of a relationship, alone, not since high school.  I've always had someone, something and I can  honestly say, hey it's not so bad.

I like me, I've never been this content or happy in my life.  I have my saying that I've had since gosh, I was 13, it reminds me of how to get back on track.  I am awesome.  That's all that matters, yes, be humble, yes we all make mistakes and to work on my own issues, but to also focus on the fact that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me, because it's all irrelevant, I'm Awesome.

I'm finally, after many, many years, off of all of my medications and it's been such a breath of fresh air.  Turning down advances of others, well my brain quickly says no before I even have a chance to think it through.  I have no desire to be in a relationship right now, nor really for anyone to touch me.  Yes, as you can see from my written post, I can still have my lustful thoughts, those don't go away, it's just, I want more than that.  I'm just also not ready to stop being single.

I'm happy and I love me.  I've said that sentence before, but I never fully believed it, just to say it to say it, but now I do mean it.  I'm happy.  I love the person that I am, screw anyone else that can't see it.  I fully feel that leaving San Diego has been the best thing for my sanity than I can ever imagine.  I'm back to finding out who I am, reviewing who I was, but more importantly focusing on who I want to be.  I've worked so very hard over these years.  I have fifty-odd more years to go and I've got this bucket list I want to work on.  So my plan, do something on that list every 3 months, cuz let's be honest, we all got bills to pay and there's this thing called reality, but if we don't make time it will never happen.

Discovering myself these past few months has taught me so much about my goals and aspirations, it's been wonderful.  I wish I could say to JH thank you for leaving and also thank you to me to end what the relationship had turned into.  At that time in my life I needed him, to complete this idea in my head.  Something that just wasn't going to be.  The gratitude I have, I don't know how best to explain.  Had he not left and had I not grown the balls, sent him his things and just shut down, I never would have gone on this journey of self discovery.

I broke.  I broke into a million pieces, felt I couldn't go on, couldn't breathe, couldn't go through it again.  And yet, a friend of mine put it simply through one of those e-cards, "hey you know that person that you thought you couldn't live without?  Look at you, living and shit."  It summed it all perfectly.  I'm still in love with a man that made my life feel amazing and I'm happy to be doing my own thing.

Dating, meh, we shall see if and when I choose to change my mind.  I've kissed a person, gosh it felt nice, but still, I'm not ready and I need my time.  I want him to be happy, I truly do wish him the best in life.  Someday, we may see each other again, it again as I've said before, seems to be how 'we' work.  It's just nice to know that I don't need anyone else to fulfill my life, that the only person I need is me and everyone else that comes along just adds to the awesomeness of the day.

I wish I could say there was a 'magic' pill for this realization and this level of endorphins running through my body, but it all came from breaking down and just putting one foot in front of the other.  Crying and letting out the pain, not filling the absence with emptiness, but instead with time.

When someone leaves imprints on your heart, you cannot forget what that's like.  The love you feel never goes away, the pain you feel is the absence from the need you created.  Once I let go of my need for him, I felt the love rush back.  It's part of why I'm celibate, I haven't let anyone touch me since we parted.  I have been more present with E, I have had more time to help her grow, work with her on projects, work on my writing, my reading, and to discover what I want now.  Who I am now.  I'm not the same person I once was, or who I thought I would be.

Losing the ability to have children put the nail in the coffin of my childhood dream for having many children.  Discovering what I want now, who I am, it's freed me from this overwhelming 'need/desire' to find 'someone' to have children with.  I've got time to find a partner to grow old with, if that's what I so choose to pursue, or CRAZY idea, enjoy life for what it is now.  I mean, seriously, is being a single mother the worst thing in the world?  Like sheeshers, again, going back to my main theme, I'm Awesome, deal with it.  Nothing else matters.

A quote from Paulo Coelho, paraphrased, from memory, Let's love one another, but let's also try not to possess one another.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Lust

The room is airy and dark after a long quiet day alone. Now the intruders stand alongside each wall, hoping for the other to make the first contact. She eyes him speculatively, while he sizes her up in wonder of the approach.

She begins to instruct him in an attempt to breathe some air into the stuffy apartment. He removes his shoes, scattering them as he steps ever closer to his mark. He begins to remove his shirt, schlepping it on the ground, creating bread crumbs from hence he came.

She wraps a cloth around his face, moving ever so quickly out of his wanting touch. He listens to her every word, hanging on for fear that she will cast him out. He is ever intent on her instructions as she traces her nails alongside his torso and across his back.

His breathing heightens, sweat trickles around her fingers as his heart begins to pump harder in his chest. She places his hand on her chin, the other on her stomach. He pulls her towards him, his torso feeling her breathing through the shirt of her back.

The smell up her neck intoxicates his senses. The feeling of her breath arouses a need deep within that begins to force its way out of them. His senses explore her skin without ever a light to shine on her form. He breathes her in as he tastes her for the first time. The hands control her riggling frame while pushing ever closer to fill her need of control and release.

He locates his moment, shining freedom to his dulled sense. Taking in the sight of her laughter, he touches her lips pulling her into his mouth. He presses his hips against her body, pinning her form. Keeping her still so he can take a moment to decern a way to fill his desire. Born from her. His ever pressing desire, filling her need.

They still, taking in one another, choking on the foreign touch exploring their topographies.

He relaxes his hold and she adapts, moving him, to control the touch and taste. The movements begin to form from two to one, harmoniously connecting the desire and need in each of them, billowing out until he must feel her bending body and limbs, until she can handle no more and he releases his newly formed grip.

The sense of cheer and laughter warm the once dreary landscape of the room, engulfing a sense of wonder and relaxation into the air. The senses begin to explore again, tasting, seeing, smelling, hearing and touching in a less rushed and nerveracking pace as before. The laughter and rhythm of events continue on into the twilight.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015