Monday, February 9, 2015

Celibacy

I've been taking time for myself lately.  I've experienced and finally worked through my emotions of being alone.  That I don't need anyone else to complete me.  Sending E off to her Father's over the Summer, well taught me a lot of how to handle being by myself.  I mean honestly, let's think about it, I was never by myself, out of a relationship, alone, not since high school.  I've always had someone, something and I can  honestly say, hey it's not so bad.

I like me, I've never been this content or happy in my life.  I have my saying that I've had since gosh, I was 13, it reminds me of how to get back on track.  I am awesome.  That's all that matters, yes, be humble, yes we all make mistakes and to work on my own issues, but to also focus on the fact that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me, because it's all irrelevant, I'm Awesome.

I'm finally, after many, many years, off of all of my medications and it's been such a breath of fresh air.  Turning down advances of others, well my brain quickly says no before I even have a chance to think it through.  I have no desire to be in a relationship right now, nor really for anyone to touch me.  Yes, as you can see from my written post, I can still have my lustful thoughts, those don't go away, it's just, I want more than that.  I'm just also not ready to stop being single.

I'm happy and I love me.  I've said that sentence before, but I never fully believed it, just to say it to say it, but now I do mean it.  I'm happy.  I love the person that I am, screw anyone else that can't see it.  I fully feel that leaving San Diego has been the best thing for my sanity than I can ever imagine.  I'm back to finding out who I am, reviewing who I was, but more importantly focusing on who I want to be.  I've worked so very hard over these years.  I have fifty-odd more years to go and I've got this bucket list I want to work on.  So my plan, do something on that list every 3 months, cuz let's be honest, we all got bills to pay and there's this thing called reality, but if we don't make time it will never happen.

Discovering myself these past few months has taught me so much about my goals and aspirations, it's been wonderful.  I wish I could say to JH thank you for leaving and also thank you to me to end what the relationship had turned into.  At that time in my life I needed him, to complete this idea in my head.  Something that just wasn't going to be.  The gratitude I have, I don't know how best to explain.  Had he not left and had I not grown the balls, sent him his things and just shut down, I never would have gone on this journey of self discovery.

I broke.  I broke into a million pieces, felt I couldn't go on, couldn't breathe, couldn't go through it again.  And yet, a friend of mine put it simply through one of those e-cards, "hey you know that person that you thought you couldn't live without?  Look at you, living and shit."  It summed it all perfectly.  I'm still in love with a man that made my life feel amazing and I'm happy to be doing my own thing.

Dating, meh, we shall see if and when I choose to change my mind.  I've kissed a person, gosh it felt nice, but still, I'm not ready and I need my time.  I want him to be happy, I truly do wish him the best in life.  Someday, we may see each other again, it again as I've said before, seems to be how 'we' work.  It's just nice to know that I don't need anyone else to fulfill my life, that the only person I need is me and everyone else that comes along just adds to the awesomeness of the day.

I wish I could say there was a 'magic' pill for this realization and this level of endorphins running through my body, but it all came from breaking down and just putting one foot in front of the other.  Crying and letting out the pain, not filling the absence with emptiness, but instead with time.

When someone leaves imprints on your heart, you cannot forget what that's like.  The love you feel never goes away, the pain you feel is the absence from the need you created.  Once I let go of my need for him, I felt the love rush back.  It's part of why I'm celibate, I haven't let anyone touch me since we parted.  I have been more present with E, I have had more time to help her grow, work with her on projects, work on my writing, my reading, and to discover what I want now.  Who I am now.  I'm not the same person I once was, or who I thought I would be.

Losing the ability to have children put the nail in the coffin of my childhood dream for having many children.  Discovering what I want now, who I am, it's freed me from this overwhelming 'need/desire' to find 'someone' to have children with.  I've got time to find a partner to grow old with, if that's what I so choose to pursue, or CRAZY idea, enjoy life for what it is now.  I mean, seriously, is being a single mother the worst thing in the world?  Like sheeshers, again, going back to my main theme, I'm Awesome, deal with it.  Nothing else matters.

A quote from Paulo Coelho, paraphrased, from memory, Let's love one another, but let's also try not to possess one another.

5 comments:

Karina said...

I'm glad for you. I still have trouble being happy with myself. A lot. Every time my son leaves a weekend to spend with his dad I don't know what to do with myself. It's like everything I do revolves around him. I think it should but to a certain extend. I should do things for myself too, but I find it extremely difficult to do that. I have been very unhappy these past few weeks, and I know it is because I am not loving myself the way I should.
I'm glad I read your post, and I hope that I will realize what you have realized.

L said...

Do one thing that makes you happy. Whether it be a book, a photo album, tears rolling down your cheeks. Be honest with your soul. It is the oddest and most surreal experience to have the time alone away from their child. It's beyond unnerving. Book club?

Karina said...

To be honest I don't know what makes me happy. A few years ago I'd have told you a book would, but lately that hasn't. I guess I need to try different things. A book club involves interacting with people, which is something I lack in. But, perhaps it is what I need.

L said...

I completely understand. Years ago, I'd say sewing and crafting would make me happy. Now, hiking, sort-of reading, but mostly, space. I started figuring out what didn't make me happy, and started avoiding it. Slowly, I found me. The identity of who I thought I was, who I wanted to be, no longer mattered or rather worked. If you want, we can read a book on here, have a discussion. What makes you smile?

Karina said...

Thank you so much L, you are sweet. I still need to figure out what makes me smile now a days.