Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Oh dating, the evil conundrum

I've been stood up.

Gotta day it again. I've been stood up. Dating is never really easy for a single mother. I liked this person as a decent human being. I wasn't expecting a serious relationship, just a fun fling.

I mean heck, not every relationship needs to be serious. We were both very upfront with want or expectations were. He made plans with me. He stood me up.

I'm a big girl. I'm a grown ass woman. It's okay to say lol I've changed my mind. But to just not show? It's the worst feeling. To feel like you weren't worth the time to be given an explanation.

It stings every time it happens. It happens more than you'd think. I've never gotten used to that feeling. I don't know why, but I seem to be left a lot without word, explanation, anything.

It hurts just the same. Look you found someone, that's fine, or your wanting something else, it's okay. It's all just okay. Our you're just not that into me, or when something is serious; not wanting E. At least give an explanation.

I'm trying. I'm really trying. I'm hurt right now. I need to get my thick armour on again.

Nothing hurts worse than to be left not knowing as if you and your time didn't matter. It will be awhile before I give someone my time again.

Monday, March 30, 2015

Agony

For anyone that knows me, I have a temperamental medical condition.  I'm in pain and anyone that's in pain knows how hard it can be to have a good head on  your shoulders and just a good attitude.  I would have taken a day off of work, but in my building, they're fixing the cedar planks right outside of my bedroom.  There was no point in staying home.

There are good days and bad days, the not so good days, and the really really tough ones.  E has spring break and I want to spend time with her, but with the amount of pain I'm in, I'm sending her to her father's.  I love her, but the pain, there's nothing to be done about it.  It will pass in a week or so, it usually does and I know that it is stress related.

No one is perfect and it's just not easy.  For people that just don't understand, I wish I could share the pain with them, not out of anger or malice, but simply for the breath of understanding that would come.  It's a sign to go to the doctor and see what's going on.  Take things easily.  The mind-games my ex plays are just so tiring and with work and office politics.  It's just all a bit much.

So, I just need to find my center and breathe.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Love

Love is unkind
Love is forgiving
Love is blind
Love is a lie we tell ourselves.

Love grows our souls
Love fills our days with joy
Love ensures
Love entangles our every movement

Love crashes
Love creates
Love destroys
Love shatters our preconceived notions of virtue

Love aches
Love changes
Love takes over our days
Love shapes the foundation of our lives

Love never ends
Love is never patient
Love is eternal
Love is given but can never be taken.

Love is a bond
Love is a shining star
Love is an exploding sun
Love is the breath of new life

Loss is Love's torturous end
Loss is a mind palace we visit without hesitation
Loss is the present time; everything stops
Loss is the expression of Love's hope

Copyright owned by L

Music, because




Some call love a curse, some call love a thief
But she's my home and she
And she's as much apart for this broken heart, but see
Broken bones always seem to mend





Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Breathing

The joy of being an asthmatic is knowing how to be calm under pressure and learning how to control your heart rate along with your breathing.  I'm taking on a lot of work load at my new job, which can be stressful at times, as I learn the office politics.  There's a lot going on in this new position and I've asked for advice for those that have been in this position before.  It's not an easy job, but then again, I'd be bored if it was ;).

I love having my own apartment and being able to work in an industry that was my childhood hobby, well, is truly amazing.  It's just, sometimes I don't realize when the stress gets to me and I have to remember to slow down, and just breathe.  Nothing in life is easy, even breathing, us asthmatics know this the most.  I'll always remember the time I had an allergic reaction to a medication and the medical staff was amazed at my composure and ability to remain relaxed while my body, well I had no control over it, yet being fully aware.  My reaction to the doctor, well, I'm an asthmatic, you learn early on, you freak out, it gets worse and well, you don't want it to get worse.

Breathing, staying calm, and working on stress levels are important aspects of daily life, yet, life tends to get in the way.  I'm figuring out this balance.  It's not easy.  I honestly look forward to the weekends and evenings with E.  Some friends provided great advice, some more laughable commentary, but always funny, and a few more experienced friends well, too busy, such is life.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Friday, March 20, 2015

Music because I missed Music Monday

This is a selection of music that played on my pandora station.  The songs, well, are fairly fitting.











And so, it is a weekend of nature, helping E with her homework, attempting to 'fix' an agreement that issue with coparenting methods (but also preparing for court, always preparing the never ending preparation) and just spending time

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Growing

I feel the main issue of my expressed pain is the realization of loneliness.  A family should have shared people among many ages and it's just us two.  I've never felt that I'm good enough as a mother nor as a person.  I've grown a lot these many years of my life as a mother and it's the continued chapter I am starting to explore.  I feel so very conflicted and it's the rabbit hole that I must explore.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Agony

The pain of last year is rising again. My ex is bullying and being controlling. It's something I've been through before, but I'll never get used to it. My instincts tell me to call those that have helped me before, that have helped me feel my inner strength whilst I just crumble into a pile on the floor.

But alas, I cannot. I can do this, I know I can. I'm willing to go to court instead of be bullied, it's just emotionally taxing. It isn't easy. Nothing worth protecting is.

I've called a friend, set up the appointment to figure out how to legally deal with the new nonsense and go forward. The last time this happened, I could burry my head into his chest, and wrapped his arms around me as tears fell down my face. No words spoken. Just a moment of shared agony.

I have an anger in me for allowing myself the moment of weakness. Of ever thinking someone could or would ever share that burden. I feel stupid and angry with myself for making the agreement with four people in mind, instead of just the three.

I can't express fully what it's like when someone states that they are out to get you instead of thinking about the child. I just. There are no words. You just try so hard.

I just keep breathing. Play scrabble with my daughter and do what I can for her. She is truly amazing and I want what's best for her. I'm just angry with myself for believing that I could trust that with someone and believe that the person would share it with me. Be my rock when I was his; through Opa, through his parent's divorce, through it all.

I'm happy, things are going well, but this bullsh** ... my body craves what that felt like in his arms. Everything was going to be alright. I was safe. I was in love. I was home and protected from the abuse. That safety net that you build with someone over MANY years.

I have no idea how to ever trust like that again. Because losing THAT. Losing my best friend and partner of all the BS in life. I can recover from a lost love, but someone that loved you at your absolute most vulnerable and held you.

I'm terrified of going through this again. It nearly broke me the last time. I know I'll get through it again. Anything for her. I made that promise when I left my exhusband. I have no idea how to share this trust again.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Just keep on walking

You know what I miss? A real connection. Where, you get those butterflies with just a hug. Where arguments are just conversations. When holding hands in a long car ride just make you swoon.

Yes. Human contact, I'm an extrovert like that, where hugging and being close to people are important in daily exchanges. But what I miss are the connections with people that truly know who I am. I don't have to say anything or I'd I do and I'm being, well cranky, I get called a b**** by my best friend and we laugh, cuz frankly, it's true.

I don't know how to do this whole dating thing again. My heart is healed, albeit the impression of him is still there, I just, don't really know how to go forward. I don't want to settle to just have someone there. This person will make a good friend.

That saying always goes, that there's plenty of fish in the sea. Well, there are a lot of creepy ones too. Or you just haven't found Mr/Mrs Right yet. Well, what if it just doesn't happen?

It's like, I'm sad, but I'm not devastated by this, I'm just feeling like, what's the point of all this dating I've done these, gosh however many years? I miss that friendship I had. I don't even know exactly how it happened, but it did. I know I can't create out and I know that I actually have to put myself out there to at least make friends.

I just can't wrap my mind around how to have feelings like that, or even close to that with someone else, again. Maybe I'm just overthinking it all, very right could be.

So time for making mommy friends and meeting new people. I don't feel like I'm moving forward, but rather taking a side trail. I'm looking down at my feet instead of on the horizon. And that's okay for now.

Just one step in front of the other.

Music Monday









Sunday, March 8, 2015

So, that date

Okay, it went, well okay. It was nice to at least have one again. He's a good kisser, we had some great conversations. However, I'm not that into him. I figure friendship would be good, I just don't see much of anything going anywhere.

I can't explain it fully as to why, but you know when there's a spark with someone? There wasn't anything like that here, at all. Good person, don't get me wrong, just nope, not gonna go anywhere.

So onwards I go on this adventure of "dating". I miss human connection, but more so, one that matters. Anything else is pointless. So we shall see what ends up happening. Meh.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Midweek Music

The songs are a few years back, but I still get them stuck in my head, I hope you enjoy them as much as I do!













Monday, March 2, 2015

Music Monday

I watched the movie, John Wick, this past weekend with some friends.  For a shoot 'em up movie, it was by far perfect, and then of course, there's Keanu Reeves. It was a very well done film, and I do hope that they make more.  The soundtrack, well, I couldn't get that movie out of my head.

This song, they play throughout the movie, and well, I can't get enough of it.  I hope you enjoy it this Monday just as much as me and honestly, check out the movie, it's pretty good with all of the famous actors shown; even as the extras.