Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Agony

The pain of last year is rising again. My ex is bullying and being controlling. It's something I've been through before, but I'll never get used to it. My instincts tell me to call those that have helped me before, that have helped me feel my inner strength whilst I just crumble into a pile on the floor.

But alas, I cannot. I can do this, I know I can. I'm willing to go to court instead of be bullied, it's just emotionally taxing. It isn't easy. Nothing worth protecting is.

I've called a friend, set up the appointment to figure out how to legally deal with the new nonsense and go forward. The last time this happened, I could burry my head into his chest, and wrapped his arms around me as tears fell down my face. No words spoken. Just a moment of shared agony.

I have an anger in me for allowing myself the moment of weakness. Of ever thinking someone could or would ever share that burden. I feel stupid and angry with myself for making the agreement with four people in mind, instead of just the three.

I can't express fully what it's like when someone states that they are out to get you instead of thinking about the child. I just. There are no words. You just try so hard.

I just keep breathing. Play scrabble with my daughter and do what I can for her. She is truly amazing and I want what's best for her. I'm just angry with myself for believing that I could trust that with someone and believe that the person would share it with me. Be my rock when I was his; through Opa, through his parent's divorce, through it all.

I'm happy, things are going well, but this bullsh** ... my body craves what that felt like in his arms. Everything was going to be alright. I was safe. I was in love. I was home and protected from the abuse. That safety net that you build with someone over MANY years.

I have no idea how to ever trust like that again. Because losing THAT. Losing my best friend and partner of all the BS in life. I can recover from a lost love, but someone that loved you at your absolute most vulnerable and held you.

I'm terrified of going through this again. It nearly broke me the last time. I know I'll get through it again. Anything for her. I made that promise when I left my exhusband. I have no idea how to share this trust again.

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