Monday, April 27, 2015


Love is such a silly and yet interesting concept.  It can bring a center to your life, to a place, to a moment, to an idea and the emptiness of it can make life feel like it will be swept away with the passing breeze.

My best friend came up to visit me, I didn't realize how much the anxiety of my new position, my new life, just all of it has been taking up my time.  We sat on the couch and watched a movie, I then laid in his arms, I hadn't been that close to someone in a long time.  We both friend-zoned each other years ago, and that's where it should be, it's just, it reminded me of a lot.  We walked around my new home town, a place I've been living for the past four months, yet, I've barely even been able to step outside my apartment.

I'm nervous of my new life and I miss having someone to share my life with.  However, if I never leave my place, I'll never meet anyone.  The dates I've been on, have been depressing in the end, I worry for so much.  However, it's been a good thing for me, to break away.  E is finally old enough to where I can start to spend less time with her, in that, she needs to grow with other people, other experiences and it isn't easy.  She's up to my shoulders now, will most likely be taller than me.  She is growing so fast, I don't want to miss anything, yet now, with work, after four months, I now run the entire department.  I have a lot of responsibilities, I have to travel, things are going well.  I have this notion in my mind that I should be happy.

The weird thing, though, is that I am happy, but I've got a sense of melancholy dread floating around me, too.  I don't know how to feel about it, or rather, how to shake it.  I'm still so very lost in who I am, who I want to be, how to be a good mother, how to be a good friend, and how to just, to just love.  I want to run away from all this in my mind, I keep circling it all and it's just a lot all at once.  Moving, new job, new massive promotion, E growing up, E in a new school, new GS troop, so many new things.  I guess, I just miss the feeling of being centered, the centered feeling that love provides.

My ex and I spoke a few months back, just a brief discussion of our new lives, with all those empty promises of actually being able to talk.  Always empty, that's where hope is the sinister serpent, spreading throughout your mind, your dreams, fantasies, and the sharp knife of reality, ever present, stabbing  holes in the growing hope.  The dying hope always brought up in the night when the synapses are firing, pulling emotions to the depths of the hidden cracks of your soul, begging to be heard by your consciousness.  Love is a double-sided, serrated knife, leaving lasting damage that can never be sewn up neatly again.  The scar always ever present and no matter how much you attempt to heal it, or hide it, the scar is a ghastly sight.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Saturday, April 18, 2015


My Grandmother had come to town. She is the most important person, that is alive, to me. Yes, I would die if I lost my daughter, but Grandma. She is the reason I survived my childhood. She is the reason I strive to be a good mother. When she passes, it will break me.

When Grandpa died. It tore the family apart. My father and I both agree that he is the epitome of the best person anyone could ever be and that I'd give anything to have one, just one more day with him.

The dream I had, is that I wish to have someone to raise E with me. It's not easy being a single parent, let alone, just a parent. A partner to share responsibility, fidelity, love.

I love my Grandmother. She is my token of love and admiration. I will love her and my family until the day that I die. E. I put my life into your well being and happiness. I hope that one day. One day, that I may find someone to cherish us and us that person. Whether I take a wife, husband, or common law, whatever, I want you to know how much love I have for my family I pour into you.

Nothing is more important than family. I love you E, my Grandparents, and those whom have shaped my heart. You mean more to me than you will ever know. I've found hope again. I choose not to date for awhile. I'm still many months celibate. Yes it was nice to have some fun awhile back, but I don't know how to be with anyone else that intimate for now.

Thursday, April 16, 2015


I had a wonderful dream that I awoke to this morning.  It was peaceful and full of hope and love.  I'm left with melancholy now, though.  All of this meeting new people, the games played, four years away from it all is a long time to be, well, out of it all.

The dream was one I've had many times, one time where I thought it would actually happen.  One where I knew it was going to happen, but it will not happen.  We were dancing on the dance floor, some slow song, talking about how beautiful the wedding was, holding one another close.  She was a beautiful bride, so happy.  She, E, was all grown, married off and happy. 

I'm in the arms of my long-term lover, whom helped me raise E, who loves me and her unconditionally.  Those two, my lover and E, are smirking at one another across the dance floor.  She is accepting congratulations, a beautiful and happy bride, I couldn't be more proud of her, yet she is smirking at us two on the dance floor.

I make the comment to him, and as I do, he gets down on one knee and we are in tears.  I've loved him for a long time and I couldn't imagine my life without him.  It was beautiful, it was wonderful.

As I previously stated, I've had this dream before and though I never believed that it would happen in this way, waking up next to him all those days, for all of those years....  E slept next to me last night and she was so cute with her pouty lips, I wish the best for her in her life.  I hope for the best beyond words and I know that I am her example.  I just, there's just so much love and so much emotion.  It's been a long time, possibly a year or so since I last had this dream.

Friday, April 10, 2015


After working at my new job for just a few months, I now manage the department and am well on my way here. It was great news and I appreciate the opportunities that I'm having here. It's nice to be able to share this good news with someone, be it the internet or not, it's great news.