Monday, April 27, 2015

Life

Love is such a silly and yet interesting concept.  It can bring a center to your life, to a place, to a moment, to an idea and the emptiness of it can make life feel like it will be swept away with the passing breeze.

My best friend came up to visit me, I didn't realize how much the anxiety of my new position, my new life, just all of it has been taking up my time.  We sat on the couch and watched a movie, I then laid in his arms, I hadn't been that close to someone in a long time.  We both friend-zoned each other years ago, and that's where it should be, it's just, it reminded me of a lot.  We walked around my new home town, a place I've been living for the past four months, yet, I've barely even been able to step outside my apartment.

I'm nervous of my new life and I miss having someone to share my life with.  However, if I never leave my place, I'll never meet anyone.  The dates I've been on, have been depressing in the end, I worry for so much.  However, it's been a good thing for me, to break away.  E is finally old enough to where I can start to spend less time with her, in that, she needs to grow with other people, other experiences and it isn't easy.  She's up to my shoulders now, will most likely be taller than me.  She is growing so fast, I don't want to miss anything, yet now, with work, after four months, I now run the entire department.  I have a lot of responsibilities, I have to travel, things are going well.  I have this notion in my mind that I should be happy.

The weird thing, though, is that I am happy, but I've got a sense of melancholy dread floating around me, too.  I don't know how to feel about it, or rather, how to shake it.  I'm still so very lost in who I am, who I want to be, how to be a good mother, how to be a good friend, and how to just, to just love.  I want to run away from all this in my mind, I keep circling it all and it's just a lot all at once.  Moving, new job, new massive promotion, E growing up, E in a new school, new GS troop, so many new things.  I guess, I just miss the feeling of being centered, the centered feeling that love provides.

My ex and I spoke a few months back, just a brief discussion of our new lives, with all those empty promises of actually being able to talk.  Always empty, that's where hope is the sinister serpent, spreading throughout your mind, your dreams, fantasies, and the sharp knife of reality, ever present, stabbing  holes in the growing hope.  The dying hope always brought up in the night when the synapses are firing, pulling emotions to the depths of the hidden cracks of your soul, begging to be heard by your consciousness.  Love is a double-sided, serrated knife, leaving lasting damage that can never be sewn up neatly again.  The scar always ever present and no matter how much you attempt to heal it, or hide it, the scar is a ghastly sight.

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