Sunday, May 24, 2015

Home is where the heart is

This is the most important place on the planet for me. If I ever mary again, it will be here. It is located in a small town in the Midwest and has been my family's church for over 100 years. I always wanted my Grandfather to walk me down the isle, but he died back in 2009. The stained glass window you see right in the middle of the church is commemorated after him and his older brother. Many family members are remembered along the stained glass windows of this small church. Family is important. 

Upon visiting this special place a few weeks back, before the work incident, it filled me up with joy. I planted flowers at my Grandfather's grave, whom is buried next to his parents, my great grandparents. I also planted flowers at his brother's grave with his two wives (the first and then the second). I also planted flowers at my great grandmother's sister's grave and her family. I hope they are happy that we planted them early; before memorial weekend :-), as is our family custom.  Family is important and is meant to be cherished, respected, and honored. We have a family saying, remember your name. It means, remember where you come from, who your family was and is. 

My home and my heart is in that small town and I hope to visit my family more often. They saved me all those years ago as a child and though some are now resting, I can tend their final resting place and talk with them. I could never honour them more or respect them in any other way, other than remembering them. Some day, maybe, my Grandfather, though can't walk me down the isle, but he can shine down on me on that special day. I love you Grandpa.

Saturday, May 23, 2015


I awoke to a wonderful dream, many dreams. Dreams that I thought would turn into reality. It was nice to enjoy the morning with those dreams for awhile.

Those dreams always leave me with a metallic taste of melancholy. The dreams are where I get to say all the things I never got to say to those that are now gone, either few or gone.

Time to head out to the desert and just chase the stars. E is off exploring with her father, so time to enjoy my memories the ones made and the ones that I wanted to make.

Friday, May 22, 2015


Reports have been made, stalker, hopefully averted, and moving on. Apparently, conferences, unknown to me, is where people get really drunk and try to sleep with you. I don't sleep around. I also rarely date these days.

So moving on, I'm attempting to begin to move on. So I'm not gone, just dealing. Herro my small readership.

Saturday, May 16, 2015


I don't know how I feel about this week.  I was at a conference.  I left early to head out to the conference to visit with my family.  That part was wonderful, but these people.  What they have done.

I was assaulted and pressured into things I just don't do.  An apology the next day doesn't make it okay and because you don't really remember what you did after you had a few drinks, will never make it okay.  Oh and telling your best friend, whom is essentially family, but happens to be the head of HR, makes reporting and dealing with the issue all the more difficult to deal with.

Not to mention a few days later the tech guy that helped with the set up of my presentation at the company sales meeting came to my convention looking for me, to creepily stalk me.  No, not creeped out by that at all in the slightest.

It was altogether the worst experience I've ever had to personally deal with at a work convention before.  I have no idea what I will end of doing when I return, but I cannot take the fact that I was assaulted at a work convention lightly.

Monday, May 4, 2015


I lost myself this past weekend.  It centered me in a way I can't express.  My best friend was there for me, didn't judge me after I, well, broke down.  The stress of my job and of life.  I'm not proud of everything I've ever done, nor of how I've allowed myself to remain in a constant state of depression.  Complaining, worrying and stressing are no way to deal with problems.  I have my break-down moments, I feel that everyone does.  I'm not happy because I need to be in nature a lot more and spending that time with E.

I drove her to a camp out in the middle of the mountains, and upon driving home through those mountains, through the windy roads with the moonlight, gosh, it was beautiful.  Living in the city is not how I work.  I need nature, growing up and spending my childhood Summers in the mid-west, amazing.  I'll be visiting Minnesota soon, albeit for work, but I am heading out a few days earlier than required to just enjoy my family and scenery.

So time to slow down, take back control, do what I can and learn from the experiences I'm in right now, continue school and making connections.  I know who I am and sometimes we need to lose ourselves to see where we need to be.  Again, I'm glad to have that moment with a dear friend.

I have a hard time dealing with anxiety and with a lot of the decisions I've made.  I honestly didn't think that my inability to have more children was affecting.  It's broken me and I met a wonderful man, a good man and I screwed it up because I'm just not ready.  I'm not ready to handle those conversations and I need to fix a part of me that will never fully heal.  I need to deal with my problems and stop self-destructing.  Easier said than done, but necessary.  As you can see, I have found some new music that I have recently become obsessed with.  We shall see how it all goes.

Music Monday