Monday, May 4, 2015

Lost

I lost myself this past weekend.  It centered me in a way I can't express.  My best friend was there for me, didn't judge me after I, well, broke down.  The stress of my job and of life.  I'm not proud of everything I've ever done, nor of how I've allowed myself to remain in a constant state of depression.  Complaining, worrying and stressing are no way to deal with problems.  I have my break-down moments, I feel that everyone does.  I'm not happy because I need to be in nature a lot more and spending that time with E.



I drove her to a camp out in the middle of the mountains, and upon driving home through those mountains, through the windy roads with the moonlight, gosh, it was beautiful.  Living in the city is not how I work.  I need nature, growing up and spending my childhood Summers in the mid-west, amazing.  I'll be visiting Minnesota soon, albeit for work, but I am heading out a few days earlier than required to just enjoy my family and scenery.



So time to slow down, take back control, do what I can and learn from the experiences I'm in right now, continue school and making connections.  I know who I am and sometimes we need to lose ourselves to see where we need to be.  Again, I'm glad to have that moment with a dear friend.



I have a hard time dealing with anxiety and with a lot of the decisions I've made.  I honestly didn't think that my inability to have more children was affecting.  It's broken me and I met a wonderful man, a good man and I screwed it up because I'm just not ready.  I'm not ready to handle those conversations and I need to fix a part of me that will never fully heal.  I need to deal with my problems and stop self-destructing.  Easier said than done, but necessary.  As you can see, I have found some new music that I have recently become obsessed with.  We shall see how it all goes.

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