Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Mmmm Tasty Babies

I saw a woman today when I was getting coffee, the other day.  She had her 18 month-old son, whom reminded me closely of E at that age.  Just all full of laughter, curiosity, and love.

My motherly instinct is something I cannot deny. I've had the urge to have more children since E was six months old. I cannot carry and the possibility of getting pregnant, well, slim. I do plan to see my doctor and see my options.

However, regardless, I don't wish to carry another child into this world alone. Yet, I've always wanted to be a foster parent. I've always believed in adoption.

Once I figure out my work and living situation, I'll begin the process of becoming a foster parent. One day, I do wish to adopt. I'd love to grow my love with a family, in everything, in every way.

It's something that I've always wanted.  I wanted to share a child with another, but /shrugs it's not always in the cards.  I've always wanted to be a mom and I am.  Time to grow and do the things I've always wanted to do, ever since I was 8 years old I've wanted to be a foster mother.

More Music

Monday, June 29, 2015

Friday, June 26, 2015

Supreme Court Today

As soon as I checked the internet today it was a beautiful sight!  I'm in tears at the office, words can't express what it feels like right now.  I can have a wife or a husband, it doesn't matter, that marriage will be recognized.  My religious faith, is what it is, that's it's own complexity, but I can marry whomever I choose now.  It's a beautiful day in America.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Music Feature because I can

"Momma once told me
You're already home where you feel love
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind"

he said, "If she doesn't call, then it's her fault and it's her loss."
I say, "It's not that simple see, but then again it just may be."

Love writes a letter and sends it to Hate:
"My vacation's ending, I'm coming home late
The weather was fine and the ocean was great
And I can't wait to see you again."

Hate reads the letter and throws it away
"No one here cares if you go or you stay
I barely even noticed that you were away
I'll see you or I won't, whatever."

Love sings a song as she sails through the sky
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes
And everyone knows it whenever she flies
And also when she comes down

Hate keeps his head up and walks through these streets
Every stranger and drifter he greets
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
With a serious look on his face

Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow
Carrying with her the good things we know
A reason to live and a reason to grow
To trust and to hold and to care

Hate sits alone on the hood of his car
Without much regard to the moon or the stars
Lazily killing the last of a jar
Of the strongest stuff you can drink

Love takes a taxi, a young man drives
As soon he sees her hope fills his eyes
But tears follow after at the end of the ride
Because he might never see her again

Patience, patience, patience

Hate gets home lucky to still be alive
He screams over the sidewalk and into the drive
The clock in the kitchen says 2:55
And the clock in the kitchen is slow

Love has been waiting patient and kind
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign
That the one that she cares for who's out of his mind
Will make it back safe to her arms

Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door
Weary head hung down, eyes to the floor
He says, "Love, I'm sorry," and she says, "What for?
I'm yours and that's it, whatever
I should not have been gone for so long
I'm yours and that's it, forever
Your mine and that's it, forever"

Working Out and Life

Yeah, easier said than done.  I've perfected this couch potato, catch up on TV shows since my kiddo is away and enjoy the profoundness of the internet.  Procrastination speaking, clean up my place tomorrow since a friend is coming over to crash for a night and possibly, consider, exercising.

I went swimming with E and her best friend last Friday, before I drove up to drop her off at her father's and then spent the weekend with friends.  This was one of the best things I could've done for myself.

I'm nearly 30, I have not completed my Undergraduate Degree, but I have worked my way up to be a respected person in my Industry, I have a Professional Business Certificate, working on another one, and I'm the Director of a department.  I've accomplished a lot in such a small amount of time.  I just always believe that I could always do better, work harder, be better and so that's the plan.

I've got my bucket list, which I'll post soon, for the Summer of what I'd like to accomplish.  So, working out, yes, it's easier said than done to start a new workout routine, or truly, any new routine.  I plan to go home tonight, and no, no more procrastinating, I'll go swimming while my laundry is in the wash, since they're right next to each other.

I've spent years not living, surviving, and I finally feel like I have a chance, I still have many things I need to work on and do, but I also feel like I can finally breathe and I have a moment to live, to truly live.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Moving Forward

So my job, I'm ready for a change, yes, it's been 6 months, but the fact that the assault isn't being taken seriously and these people, it's time to move forward and move on.  The agreement with my ex is moving forward and it opens up the possibilities for moving elsewhere, broadening my abilities to procure a new career.

I have a great daughter and this will not be easy on her.  It weighs on me, but my disgust by this place is too much to bare.  I need to be happy and live in a place I enjoy.  So I'll be spending the Summer visiting and looking at places I wish to raise E and have a life with her.  It's E and me against the world.  

I have a date this week, but, I don't know why I agreed to it.  I guess mostly because of just getting back into practice.  My last date was, well, months ago.  I like this person as well, a person that is breathing.  I don't see a future, it's nice to just feel wanted.  I feel bad, kind of like leading this person on, it's just a first date, so meh.  My girlfriends say that I overthink everything, which is true.  I'll go out on this date, since I said yes, however, I need to remind myself that it's okay to just say no, let's just be friends.

I'm content with it just being E and me.  In my mind I justify it in that I already made the decision for whom I wish to spend the rest of my life with, and well, I was rejected.  So, decision has been done, check, move on, don't need to dwell.  It's weird, I go out, dance, have fun, have a kiss or two and I'm good.  I have 'needs' everyone does, but I don't want that empty feeling afterwards.  I guess, I get in my own way.  If I don't date and meet someone, well, I'll never get that connection with anyone to go anywhere, but I just I don't know how to explain it.  I don't feel like settling for just anyone, for just any reason.

I look back at that scared young woman, over 9 years ago, pregnant, scared, terrified.  I was about to end my relationship with E's father, and start dating other people in College, possibly join a Sorority, mostly because, why not?  Take more biochemistry courses to become a medical scientist as a hobby, sociologist studying human behavior in work environments by day.  Oh how everything changed.  Oh how I didn't believe in myself at all, how I thought I needed someone else to make the big decisions, and yet at the same time, that I could never kill the life growing in me, no matter the struggles of my body rejecting her, of my own family hating her and hating the decisions I made.  The terrible things said about my unborn child, about me, about how I'd never amount to anything, that the difficulties in having a child made me inferior breeding stock (great husband remark, right?), or that I was throwing my future away.  Oh how everyone has had to eat their words because it was her.  She needed me.  And it was all because of her very rare disorder that caused her to have a severe reaction to a vaccine, as well as her allergy to tree nuts, that mom, that word, became so much more to me.  That the abuse of fists being thrown at the wall near my head, the blurred nights that my ex-husband doesn't remember, but I do, and thankfully, E has also forgotten, for her sake.  The standing in the poverty line at the welfare office asking for help, pride means nothing except when it is the will to do better, to provide better, to be better.  To keep going forward for your own dreams because you HAVE to.  You HAVE to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to find a way to better your life because it matters.  Because if I expect her to do well, she has to see it in me first.

My Grandmother is the most important person to me because she showed me love when I needed it most as a child.  She became my beacon of hope and of life, and E, she is the reason I work so hard to be that person my Grandmother was.  I am not perfect, I screw up and I struggle with life.

It's nearly ten years and I look  back at my 18 year old self, sitting in my college dorm, crying, scared, freaking out, what am I going to do???  I am not that same person, I will never be her again, I'm not that same person I was a few years ago, let alone last year, when I picked up everything to just escape ANYWHERE away from San Diego, to escape the memories of JH.  It was the best thing I could have done at the time.

He stole my heart, in a way that was perfect and beautiful.  I feel at peace now.  I love who I am and I know that I can handle anything that comes my way.  Nothing in life is easy, nothing in life that matters anyways.  I know why I'm not ready for anyone else, not yet anyways and it's a fear that I have, a very founded fear.  The truth is that when I met him all those years ago, our first encounter, it stopped us both and no one else has mattered since, nor before.  I was with others, dated others, was wish others, and as much as in the moment I was with them, I always, at one point or another, stopped, looked away, closed my eyes, and remembered each time with him.  What it felt like, what it was.  It became second nature, and then of course, you open your eyes and it isn't that person, that person doesn't make you feel the way you felt, nothing ever comes close to it, and truly, nothing ever could.

There were those few great years with him.  I look back on them fondly, I remember them as they were, those wonderful promises that people make to each other, oh how cute we were and oh how it's just never going to happen.  How I laid it all out there last year,  I did what my head and heart needed, said everything that needed to be said.  I move on with the memory of how beautiful it was and I stop myself on dates because, I've never truly known how to get past that feeling that we had, what we were, what we always will be.

I wish for better days, to see that lovely smile again, to dance in the moonlight and talk about nothing as if everything between us is, just is.  Our adventures, just driving hands enraptured, the night hikes, the caress of his kiss on my skin, meeting his Opa, him with E and the playdough when she was 3, his kiss on my forhead, how he felt, and how just looking into his eyes he was lost in me, all that hope.  I know why he ran, it doesn't change the fact of what happened and how strong I was and how I knew I was making the right decision to be the one to end us, it still doesn't change the fact that it cut me down that he let me walk away.

I have had to be the strong one, hold myself together, block E from the whistling wind of chaos, I felt for awhile that I had a rock tethering me to the ground.  He held me together when I felt I would lose who I was.  I know I reminded him of his internal chaos with family, his parents' and his choice and decisions to not deal with his past affected us, no matter what he says.

I love me, I love E, and I love him and I can talk to him at any time, anywhere about anything and I'll be fine.  I do wish to smack him upside the head with some common sense, but that's not going to get us anywhere.  There are three things that separate us and always will.  I don't know how to think of anyone else when he touched my life in the most beautiful way possible.  Soul mates are with you for as long as they are, a lifetime happened in that moment back in January 2009, I'll never forget it.  For me, and I'm sure with him, it's the reason we keep coming back and talking to one another.

It's just, reliving the past, I'm done, I'll love him until the day that I die and most likely, that love will continue on.  We desire different things, he desires punishing himself over and over again because he doesn't deserve to be happy and he keeps recreating the same problems in his life as he leaves one place for another.  It's ridiculously obvious, which is the sad thing.  Love is strange and beautiful.

I look forward to my future and life right now with a vigor I cannot express.  Everyone at work says I look refreshed, alive, and I do feel that way.  I have a goal and if it doesn't work out, well, I'll figure it out.  I'll continue to talk to him for as long as he wishes to talk to me, he's an important person to my general happiness.  I have no desire to pursue him beyond that, it will kill me the day he meets someone else and has a family, there's no doubt in that.  I just know he won't commit to me, to E and to children with me, our three differences.  He'll most likely accidentally get someone pregnant and voila he'll step up.  I've always known that this scenario would be the most likely possibility of him ever becoming a father, I always wanted him to choose us.

He never did.  Three and a half years later (truly five and a half years, but need to take out the 'break' time) and there it is.  I love this man but I'm not stupid.  I just have no idea how to find someone else.  I do wish to try, so yes, I am doing this dating stuff, it's just, love.

He taught me so much about myself, how to love myself, how to love someone, how to accept love, what trust is, how to trust someone again, after E's father, it's, not easy to say the least.  That mistakes happen, gosh, I am not great when it comes to tough topics.

I live my life now and if someone comes along that strikes my fancy, well, maybe we can both explore that rabbit hole.  I don't know if anyone will ever be as special to me.  I gave up hope last year that he would ever want to spend the next fifty years of his life with me and E and maybe some kiddos.  If it changes, well, I have no idea what my reaction would even be at this point.

Right now the only thing I hope for is to be able to go to his grave when he does pass on, to say my goodbyes to him.  I hope I'd get notified, but I know he keeps me separate from his family.  That is the one thing I hope for, is to be alive or at least be able to remember those that have touched my heart when they pass on.  Because Birthdays and Anniversaries and someone's Life matters.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Daughter's Friend, G

My Daughter's Girl Scout friend, G, fell and had an aneurysm roughly a week ago.  She was put in a medically induced coma, had surgery on her brain to kill the vein that was bleeding, as well as to drain the blood out of her head.  She's since woken up scared and unable to move her right side of her body.  The doctors are in shock that she has awoken already.  She is confused and unable to move her right side.  She now recognizes her parents and family, it's a lot.  All I ask is whether you're religious or not, that you pray or have thoughts for her and her speedy recovery.  She is only 9 years old and I can only imagine what her family is going through.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Music Monday

And now it's time to begin again.  I feel alive.  It's taken time, that missing cog well, is put in it's place and time for my new chapter of 'adulting' now.  "The sun is shining, it's a brand new day."

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Watching movies with E

No copyright infringement intended.

Original picture taken from Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/555983516475665600/

Get in Shape, Healthy Living

So, I've been getting used to sitting at a desk all day long.... It's definitely NOT something that I am used to doing.  It's been roughly 6, nearly 7 years, since I've had a desk job and it is by far, odd.  i'm used to a more active lifestyle, as well as working style.

So, I'm on a shtick, I'd say, where-in that I need to actually also work out at home, in order to keep an active life.  I have my old journals as to what works best for my body that was developed with a personal trainer.  I already started today, definitely feel it in my legs.  I plan to look into a Yoga class to help with stretching and form.  It will just be nice to be able to go backpacking and be in shape :).  That's my plan.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Music Monday

Yes, these videos are repeats, meh, everything going on in my mind, well, brings these up.  And since I'm listening to them today, and since I fail at posting every Monday, happy Music Monday.

Closure, I suppose

It was odd, yesterday.  I got an email Saturday night, from JH.  We haven't messaged each other, well, since February, nor even spoken to each other in nearly twice the amount of time.  It was nice to hear from him again, talk, shoot the sh**, so-to-speak.  I felt a sense of closure on 'us' even though we didn't breach the subject, it was nice to realize that we are both fairly much in the same place in dating and in life.

We had a great few years together.  I've been in love with him for nearly 6 years, a part of me always will.  I know I can't go through 'that' again.  I just truly cannot.  I just finally feel truly at peace with it all.  It is odd how just a simple conversation can bring such peace.  My heart still loves him, but it also acknowledges that it's in the past.  We loved each other, but at the end of the day, when it came down to commitment, we were never going to get that from him.  I doubt anyone ever will get that from him.

It's scary to make that decision, I get that, and there are  a whole host of other emotions as well, however, that decision was made a few years ago.  I don't know how to trust anyone like that again.  Love is such an interesting emotion.  Hope is a worse emotion, I fear.  Hope can leave you longing for things that you shouldn't wait for.  Hope, is a mixed emotion for me.  I look forward to seeing him.  I'm not sure how I will feel at that time, but at least for today and since seeing that email late Saturday night, I feel at peace.

There's closure in knowing that we're both dealing with this similarly.  There's closure in the fact that it's been a year, well in two weeks, a year since we last saw each other.  It was over back in April of last year, it just was, whether it was fully admitted or not, for whatever reason, it just was done.  Anyhoo, enough of this.  It's odd being single, and it's odd being celibate.  It's been a decision, not an easy one, but there are many reasons why, and there's one main reason as well.