It was odd, yesterday. I got an email Saturday night, from JH. We haven't messaged each other, well, since February, nor even spoken to each other in nearly twice the amount of time. It was nice to hear from him again, talk, shoot the sh**, so-to-speak. I felt a sense of closure on 'us' even though we didn't breach the subject, it was nice to realize that we are both fairly much in the same place in dating and in life.
We had a great few years together. I've been in love with him for nearly 6 years, a part of me always will. I know I can't go through 'that' again. I just truly cannot. I just finally feel truly at peace with it all. It is odd how just a simple conversation can bring such peace. My heart still loves him, but it also acknowledges that it's in the past. We loved each other, but at the end of the day, when it came down to commitment, we were never going to get that from him. I doubt anyone ever will get that from him.
It's scary to make that decision, I get that, and there are a whole host of other emotions as well, however, that decision was made a few years ago. I don't know how to trust anyone like that again. Love is such an interesting emotion. Hope is a worse emotion, I fear. Hope can leave you longing for things that you shouldn't wait for. Hope, is a mixed emotion for me. I look forward to seeing him. I'm not sure how I will feel at that time, but at least for today and since seeing that email late Saturday night, I feel at peace.
There's closure in knowing that we're both dealing with this similarly. There's closure in the fact that it's been a year, well in two weeks, a year since we last saw each other. It was over back in April of last year, it just was, whether it was fully admitted or not, for whatever reason, it just was done. Anyhoo, enough of this. It's odd being single, and it's odd being celibate. It's been a decision, not an easy one, but there are many reasons why, and there's one main reason as well.