Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Moving Forward

So my job, I'm ready for a change, yes, it's been 6 months, but the fact that the assault isn't being taken seriously and these people, it's time to move forward and move on.  The agreement with my ex is moving forward and it opens up the possibilities for moving elsewhere, broadening my abilities to procure a new career.

I have a great daughter and this will not be easy on her.  It weighs on me, but my disgust by this place is too much to bare.  I need to be happy and live in a place I enjoy.  So I'll be spending the Summer visiting and looking at places I wish to raise E and have a life with her.  It's E and me against the world.  

I have a date this week, but, I don't know why I agreed to it.  I guess mostly because of just getting back into practice.  My last date was, well, months ago.  I like this person as well, a person that is breathing.  I don't see a future, it's nice to just feel wanted.  I feel bad, kind of like leading this person on, it's just a first date, so meh.  My girlfriends say that I overthink everything, which is true.  I'll go out on this date, since I said yes, however, I need to remind myself that it's okay to just say no, let's just be friends.

I'm content with it just being E and me.  In my mind I justify it in that I already made the decision for whom I wish to spend the rest of my life with, and well, I was rejected.  So, decision has been done, check, move on, don't need to dwell.  It's weird, I go out, dance, have fun, have a kiss or two and I'm good.  I have 'needs' everyone does, but I don't want that empty feeling afterwards.  I guess, I get in my own way.  If I don't date and meet someone, well, I'll never get that connection with anyone to go anywhere, but I just I don't know how to explain it.  I don't feel like settling for just anyone, for just any reason.

I look back at that scared young woman, over 9 years ago, pregnant, scared, terrified.  I was about to end my relationship with E's father, and start dating other people in College, possibly join a Sorority, mostly because, why not?  Take more biochemistry courses to become a medical scientist as a hobby, sociologist studying human behavior in work environments by day.  Oh how everything changed.  Oh how I didn't believe in myself at all, how I thought I needed someone else to make the big decisions, and yet at the same time, that I could never kill the life growing in me, no matter the struggles of my body rejecting her, of my own family hating her and hating the decisions I made.  The terrible things said about my unborn child, about me, about how I'd never amount to anything, that the difficulties in having a child made me inferior breeding stock (great husband remark, right?), or that I was throwing my future away.  Oh how everyone has had to eat their words because it was her.  She needed me.  And it was all because of her very rare disorder that caused her to have a severe reaction to a vaccine, as well as her allergy to tree nuts, that mom, that word, became so much more to me.  That the abuse of fists being thrown at the wall near my head, the blurred nights that my ex-husband doesn't remember, but I do, and thankfully, E has also forgotten, for her sake.  The standing in the poverty line at the welfare office asking for help, pride means nothing except when it is the will to do better, to provide better, to be better.  To keep going forward for your own dreams because you HAVE to.  You HAVE to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to find a way to better your life because it matters.  Because if I expect her to do well, she has to see it in me first.

My Grandmother is the most important person to me because she showed me love when I needed it most as a child.  She became my beacon of hope and of life, and E, she is the reason I work so hard to be that person my Grandmother was.  I am not perfect, I screw up and I struggle with life.

It's nearly ten years and I look  back at my 18 year old self, sitting in my college dorm, crying, scared, freaking out, what am I going to do???  I am not that same person, I will never be her again, I'm not that same person I was a few years ago, let alone last year, when I picked up everything to just escape ANYWHERE away from San Diego, to escape the memories of JH.  It was the best thing I could have done at the time.

He stole my heart, in a way that was perfect and beautiful.  I feel at peace now.  I love who I am and I know that I can handle anything that comes my way.  Nothing in life is easy, nothing in life that matters anyways.  I know why I'm not ready for anyone else, not yet anyways and it's a fear that I have, a very founded fear.  The truth is that when I met him all those years ago, our first encounter, it stopped us both and no one else has mattered since, nor before.  I was with others, dated others, was wish others, and as much as in the moment I was with them, I always, at one point or another, stopped, looked away, closed my eyes, and remembered each time with him.  What it felt like, what it was.  It became second nature, and then of course, you open your eyes and it isn't that person, that person doesn't make you feel the way you felt, nothing ever comes close to it, and truly, nothing ever could.

There were those few great years with him.  I look back on them fondly, I remember them as they were, those wonderful promises that people make to each other, oh how cute we were and oh how it's just never going to happen.  How I laid it all out there last year,  I did what my head and heart needed, said everything that needed to be said.  I move on with the memory of how beautiful it was and I stop myself on dates because, I've never truly known how to get past that feeling that we had, what we were, what we always will be.

I wish for better days, to see that lovely smile again, to dance in the moonlight and talk about nothing as if everything between us is, just is.  Our adventures, just driving hands enraptured, the night hikes, the caress of his kiss on my skin, meeting his Opa, him with E and the playdough when she was 3, his kiss on my forhead, how he felt, and how just looking into his eyes he was lost in me, all that hope.  I know why he ran, it doesn't change the fact of what happened and how strong I was and how I knew I was making the right decision to be the one to end us, it still doesn't change the fact that it cut me down that he let me walk away.

I have had to be the strong one, hold myself together, block E from the whistling wind of chaos, I felt for awhile that I had a rock tethering me to the ground.  He held me together when I felt I would lose who I was.  I know I reminded him of his internal chaos with family, his parents' and his choice and decisions to not deal with his past affected us, no matter what he says.

I love me, I love E, and I love him and I can talk to him at any time, anywhere about anything and I'll be fine.  I do wish to smack him upside the head with some common sense, but that's not going to get us anywhere.  There are three things that separate us and always will.  I don't know how to think of anyone else when he touched my life in the most beautiful way possible.  Soul mates are with you for as long as they are, a lifetime happened in that moment back in January 2009, I'll never forget it.  For me, and I'm sure with him, it's the reason we keep coming back and talking to one another.

It's just, reliving the past, I'm done, I'll love him until the day that I die and most likely, that love will continue on.  We desire different things, he desires punishing himself over and over again because he doesn't deserve to be happy and he keeps recreating the same problems in his life as he leaves one place for another.  It's ridiculously obvious, which is the sad thing.  Love is strange and beautiful.

I look forward to my future and life right now with a vigor I cannot express.  Everyone at work says I look refreshed, alive, and I do feel that way.  I have a goal and if it doesn't work out, well, I'll figure it out.  I'll continue to talk to him for as long as he wishes to talk to me, he's an important person to my general happiness.  I have no desire to pursue him beyond that, it will kill me the day he meets someone else and has a family, there's no doubt in that.  I just know he won't commit to me, to E and to children with me, our three differences.  He'll most likely accidentally get someone pregnant and voila he'll step up.  I've always known that this scenario would be the most likely possibility of him ever becoming a father, I always wanted him to choose us.

He never did.  Three and a half years later (truly five and a half years, but need to take out the 'break' time) and there it is.  I love this man but I'm not stupid.  I just have no idea how to find someone else.  I do wish to try, so yes, I am doing this dating stuff, it's just, love.

He taught me so much about myself, how to love myself, how to love someone, how to accept love, what trust is, how to trust someone again, after E's father, it's, not easy to say the least.  That mistakes happen, gosh, I am not great when it comes to tough topics.

I live my life now and if someone comes along that strikes my fancy, well, maybe we can both explore that rabbit hole.  I don't know if anyone will ever be as special to me.  I gave up hope last year that he would ever want to spend the next fifty years of his life with me and E and maybe some kiddos.  If it changes, well, I have no idea what my reaction would even be at this point.

Right now the only thing I hope for is to be able to go to his grave when he does pass on, to say my goodbyes to him.  I hope I'd get notified, but I know he keeps me separate from his family.  That is the one thing I hope for, is to be alive or at least be able to remember those that have touched my heart when they pass on.  Because Birthdays and Anniversaries and someone's Life matters.

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