Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Monday, July 27, 2015

Netflix and Indie Films

I have Netflix and I've been enjoying it's collection of 'Indie Films' most of which debut at the German Film Festival.  A few of them have truly touched me and I like how they don't have the typical happy endings that, pretty much, every film has.  My two favorites thus far are Freier Fall and Getting Go, the go doc project.

It all started with watching the Netflix series, Sense 8.  I could've sworn I'd seen the German actor before, still cannot recall which film I've seen him in.  Either case, noticed Netflix had one of the film's he's in and watched it.  Then a few other films came up and I began watching them.

What I most enjoy about these two films is how well they showcase the conflict of identity, falling for someone and the innermost struggle of dealing with changing someone, how that just does not happen, how hard it is to express one's own emotions to another.  The Getting Go, the go doc project, the fact that the two actors fell seemingly between acting and authentic documentary truly captured the essence of the film.  If it wasn't for that, I don't think it would have worked.

t was a fairly relatable film.  The awkwardness of an encounter with someone you're attracted to, talking to a person, falling, the obsession, the ultimate betrayal and the attempt of friendship.  They are both beautiful and very well depicted.  I look forward to seeing more of what these actors and directors make over the course of their careers.  So my recommendation is, check out these two films, you will be pleasantly surprised.  If you think my tastes in films isn't yours, well, all I can say is, enjoy something outside of your normal comfort zones.

Any recommendations on films that any of you have seen lately or that resonate with you?

Sunday, July 26, 2015


Nearly twelve years, and nearly five hours ago my family dog was put to sleep at home.

Words cannot express this loss, especially for my daughter. It was obvious, when I saw him this morning, he knew what was going on and just couldn't anymore.

I'm at a loss and am beside myself.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Wake Up to This..

I would love to wake up to this song.... Maybe the day after my wedding, or something special, anniversary, all that fun stuff.  I'd love to blast this and sing this to someone.

Dancing Music

All I've ever really wanted, is someone to dance with.  We make dinner, music playing in the background, she comes up behind me, pulls me close, kisses me on the neck, and we begin dancing.  I'd love to do that to someone too.  And so, inspiration from awaking this morning to those thoughts, here is some music to put you into that mood as well.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Favorite Song

This has to be one of my most favorite songs of all time.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Music Monday

I'm redoing my apartment.  Making E's room nice, setting up a sewing station.  I mean yes, I'm excited for this new career and I do hope that there will be a place there for me.  However, as optimistic of a person I will always be, I am also a believer in prudent planning.  More specifically the phrase I always follow, "Don't burn a bridge unless you have to."

I want to be a better mother and I need to do nice things for E.  I spend a lot of time in my head, I have a hard time in new places.  I'm glad she's adjusted and I need to treat my new friends the way I do with my old.  Ask them over for dinner, hang out with them.  Show up with some dinner and wine.  I'm a social creature.

I visited my parents, whom are watching E at the moment, and they started belittling each other in front of E.  I sent E to her bedroom there to finish her dinner, we talked later fyi, this was the first time this had happened during her stay.  I told her that if it happened again to pick up her phone and call me and she'd come home, not a problem.  She would be okay.  Getting back to my parents, I gave them information for the therapist that I used while E's Dad and I separated.  She specializes in marriage and family therapy.  They need help, they have both hurt each other and cannot communicate.  I helped them through their spat, I do hope they go to therapy.  I told them flat out, fine, you've had 32 years of marriage, but do you really want to spend the next 30 years like this?  Or do you want to fix it? Because the crap you do to each other is terrible and NOT okay and you both are screwing it up.

I believe relationships take work.  They are NOT easy.  It is not easy opening up and showing the direct spot of where to point the knife and to say please, help me close it, but when SH** happens, they could just poke it with such force with the mention of just one word, one expression, instead of just a hug and forgiveness.

I finally feel whole because I've let go the pain of the past.  Yes, I do still cry, yes I do still think of everyone, but I feel an urge to figure out who I am.  What do I want?  What type of mother do I wish to be?  My daughter will know me and how I have dealt with depression.  As much as you want to hide it from your child, you can't.  They see it.  She talked about it.  I need to do better.  It is hard with parents that argue, that live hundreds of miles apart, that cause each other grief and pain.  Our relationship then and now, I wish it were better.  I wish that at her wedding day we could both be there and things will be fine.  I do wish the best for her.

She is growing up so fast before my eyes.  I was such a scared mother, so scared of not owning my own body, my own food, my own life.  PTSD is a very real aspect and as much as I 'deal' with it, it isn't an easy thing.  I do my techniques, it's much better than it was.  It's hard to explain without going into the gory details, but I don't talk about it openly, just with certain people.  It's how it is, plus most people, people that haven't experienced it either as a supporter or as a person that has it, you just, cannot understand.  People react differently to it.  Some people run away, some people judge, some people avoid, some people hug you and hold you tight.  Or the people you love do all of it to you and you break.

I'm in a very good place and I'm whole.  I wish to grow my love and caring of others.  I'm excited to become a foster parent and I am setting up my home and life in such a way that I can be one.  My current job would be flexible and supportive of this endeavor.  I would hope that the next career I choose to take would be as supportive.

I'm truly happy.  I wish to share it with people. Whether a quilting group, some new friends, a lover, my daughter, my nieces, or even so much more.

I went over to a friend's house and we hung out for hours last week.  It was truly wonderful.  I do have a good life here, and yes, I wish to leave this company, I'm torn.  Which is why this song means so much.  I'm not sure how to feel about a lot of things.  I feel very strongly, I love with every part of my soul.

As it says in the Bronx tale, you are offered three great loves.  My first true love, Mr B.  The one person that I wanted to have children with and grow old with JH.  So maybe it will take 30 years, I don't know, but I'm not waiting around.  I have important things to accomplish.

I might see JH this week, which does bring up a lot of emotions.  It's weird to look back and to realize that the future I used to see, was the present at the time and has now become the past.  This was the feeling I had with Mr B at the end.  I held on, tried to make it work, pushed that it should be a relationships, I really just wanted kids.  I loved him, but I wanted that so much.  He was and most likely still is an alcoholic.

It's weird looking back on past loves.  I've learned so much of myself, thinking of what I was dealing with, how I was avoiding my problems, focusing on anything to avoid what I was feeling.  

This time alone has been great, has brought me closer together with E.

I made a promise to her after her father did what he did to us that one drunken night that neither of them remember (but I still have those pictures).  I promised her that I would make sure she knew how a man is supposed to treat a woman.  The two men she only ever knew were Mr B and JH.  I hope I've made good decisions in those examples.  I feel I have.  I'm a worry-wart of a mother.  It cannot be helped!

And so I am remaking her room, organizing it and getting a few decorations together so that she can decide where she will like them (she already picked them out when we were window-shopping).

And because, well David Tennant, 10th Doctor, great song.  It's fitting so enjoy!

 Oh Mumford and Sons, so fitting, as always.


Saturday, July 18, 2015

In a few weeks

In a few weeks, I interview for a new career. I also say goodbye to my old life. I was writing a post/letter and I realized how much I just no longer wished to write about the topic anymore. It was very cathartic.

I called up someone I've been interested in for sometime and we are getting together this following week. I'm excited to have some fun. I'm excited to be happy, take things slow and to just enjoy life.

I took E outside, in the rain. It was wonderful. I told her that if you've never danced in the rain you must. We ran outside, jumped in puddles, splashed one another. It was perfect.

Time to live!

Thursday, July 16, 2015


It's been nearly 18 months since I've stopped taking the medication that helps to stop the pain that I feel every day.  I have chronic pain.  I've had it since my daughter, E, was born.  There's no cure and they don't fully understand why.

It takes 6 months for the drug to fully leave your body and roughly a year until there's no trace of it, it's a powerful medication, non-habit forming, non-narcotic.  Safe to say, it works wonders, but there are side-effects, namely the loss of cognitive memory and function, aka it dumbs me down.  It's also toxic to a fetus.

I wanted kids.  So I worked with my doctor to taper down the dosage, go off of the medication.  After a year, we did fertility testing because well my body was acting 'weird' for someone of my age and all the womanly functions, only to discover the likelihood of me having children, is very low.  Going on any medication to help with my fertility could cause other medical problems to persist.

I've lived in pain since then, I wanted to still have my body to maybe, I don't know, I want children.  If I were ever to become pregnant again, I'd fight to keep it alive, just like I did with E.  No matter how bad it got with E, I carried her as long as I could and was able to.  6 weeks early and I got to take her home after a few days in the hospital.  The demon child inside of my womb was a perfect, quiet child that porked up so fast.  I always said I would do one more.  Just one more.

The pain just became unbearable today.  I went back on the medication.  It will take time for it to build up in my system again.  My short-term memory, I will have to use all of my techniques of writing everything down and reviewing it constantly to make it into long-term memory.  It's a process.

Nearly 10 years and pain.  Every, single, day.  I will have more children, I will adopt, I will foster.  I may never carry again, but carrying a child doesn't make you a mother.  What makes you a mother is all that you do for your children.

The pain is all-encompassing today.  It's like a wave washes between the insides of your bones, flowing effortlessly inbetween the layers of your muscles and you cannot focus.  The pain is everywhere, always there, always a reminder.  Sometimes I can get relief it's not often, but when I can, words can't express what it's like.  I wish that one day I could wake up and be free from this.  Ever since I had E, I've had this.  I chose to have her, I will never regret her, she is my reason for ... well everything that I do.  I'm proud to be her mother.  I just wish the pain didn't take away as much as it does.

So since no more children from me, at least for now with where things stand, time to go back on the medication.  I could endure the pain to increase my family, but I cannot endure it otherwise.  

Monday, July 13, 2015

Calm Music for the Day

Music Monday

I came across this song on the radio and fell in love instantly.  Great fun song to get up and just dance to.