Sunday, July 19, 2015
I'm redoing my apartment. Making E's room nice, setting up a sewing station. I mean yes, I'm excited for this new career and I do hope that there will be a place there for me. However, as optimistic of a person I will always be, I am also a believer in prudent planning. More specifically the phrase I always follow, "Don't burn a bridge unless you have to."
I want to be a better mother and I need to do nice things for E. I spend a lot of time in my head, I have a hard time in new places. I'm glad she's adjusted and I need to treat my new friends the way I do with my old. Ask them over for dinner, hang out with them. Show up with some dinner and wine. I'm a social creature.
I visited my parents, whom are watching E at the moment, and they started belittling each other in front of E. I sent E to her bedroom there to finish her dinner, we talked later fyi, this was the first time this had happened during her stay. I told her that if it happened again to pick up her phone and call me and she'd come home, not a problem. She would be okay. Getting back to my parents, I gave them information for the therapist that I used while E's Dad and I separated. She specializes in marriage and family therapy. They need help, they have both hurt each other and cannot communicate. I helped them through their spat, I do hope they go to therapy. I told them flat out, fine, you've had 32 years of marriage, but do you really want to spend the next 30 years like this? Or do you want to fix it? Because the crap you do to each other is terrible and NOT okay and you both are screwing it up.
I believe relationships take work. They are NOT easy. It is not easy opening up and showing the direct spot of where to point the knife and to say please, help me close it, but when SH** happens, they could just poke it with such force with the mention of just one word, one expression, instead of just a hug and forgiveness.
I finally feel whole because I've let go the pain of the past. Yes, I do still cry, yes I do still think of everyone, but I feel an urge to figure out who I am. What do I want? What type of mother do I wish to be? My daughter will know me and how I have dealt with depression. As much as you want to hide it from your child, you can't. They see it. She talked about it. I need to do better. It is hard with parents that argue, that live hundreds of miles apart, that cause each other grief and pain. Our relationship then and now, I wish it were better. I wish that at her wedding day we could both be there and things will be fine. I do wish the best for her.
She is growing up so fast before my eyes. I was such a scared mother, so scared of not owning my own body, my own food, my own life. PTSD is a very real aspect and as much as I 'deal' with it, it isn't an easy thing. I do my techniques, it's much better than it was. It's hard to explain without going into the gory details, but I don't talk about it openly, just with certain people. It's how it is, plus most people, people that haven't experienced it either as a supporter or as a person that has it, you just, cannot understand. People react differently to it. Some people run away, some people judge, some people avoid, some people hug you and hold you tight. Or the people you love do all of it to you and you break.
I'm in a very good place and I'm whole. I wish to grow my love and caring of others. I'm excited to become a foster parent and I am setting up my home and life in such a way that I can be one. My current job would be flexible and supportive of this endeavor. I would hope that the next career I choose to take would be as supportive.
I'm truly happy. I wish to share it with people. Whether a quilting group, some new friends, a lover, my daughter, my nieces, or even so much more.
I went over to a friend's house and we hung out for hours last week. It was truly wonderful. I do have a good life here, and yes, I wish to leave this company, I'm torn. Which is why this song means so much. I'm not sure how to feel about a lot of things. I feel very strongly, I love with every part of my soul.
As it says in the Bronx tale, you are offered three great loves. My first true love, Mr B. The one person that I wanted to have children with and grow old with JH. So maybe it will take 30 years, I don't know, but I'm not waiting around. I have important things to accomplish.
I might see JH this week, which does bring up a lot of emotions. It's weird to look back and to realize that the future I used to see, was the present at the time and has now become the past. This was the feeling I had with Mr B at the end. I held on, tried to make it work, pushed that it should be a relationships, I really just wanted kids. I loved him, but I wanted that so much. He was and most likely still is an alcoholic.
It's weird looking back on past loves. I've learned so much of myself, thinking of what I was dealing with, how I was avoiding my problems, focusing on anything to avoid what I was feeling.
This time alone has been great, has brought me closer together with E.
I made a promise to her after her father did what he did to us that one drunken night that neither of them remember (but I still have those pictures). I promised her that I would make sure she knew how a man is supposed to treat a woman. The two men she only ever knew were Mr B and JH. I hope I've made good decisions in those examples. I feel I have. I'm a worry-wart of a mother. It cannot be helped!
And so I am remaking her room, organizing it and getting a few decorations together so that she can decide where she will like them (she already picked them out when we were window-shopping).
And because, well David Tennant, 10th Doctor, great song. It's fitting so enjoy!
Oh Mumford and Sons, so fitting, as always.