Thursday, July 16, 2015

Pain

It's been nearly 18 months since I've stopped taking the medication that helps to stop the pain that I feel every day.  I have chronic pain.  I've had it since my daughter, E, was born.  There's no cure and they don't fully understand why.

It takes 6 months for the drug to fully leave your body and roughly a year until there's no trace of it, it's a powerful medication, non-habit forming, non-narcotic.  Safe to say, it works wonders, but there are side-effects, namely the loss of cognitive memory and function, aka it dumbs me down.  It's also toxic to a fetus.

I wanted kids.  So I worked with my doctor to taper down the dosage, go off of the medication.  After a year, we did fertility testing because well my body was acting 'weird' for someone of my age and all the womanly functions, only to discover the likelihood of me having children, is very low.  Going on any medication to help with my fertility could cause other medical problems to persist.

I've lived in pain since then, I wanted to still have my body to maybe, I don't know, I want children.  If I were ever to become pregnant again, I'd fight to keep it alive, just like I did with E.  No matter how bad it got with E, I carried her as long as I could and was able to.  6 weeks early and I got to take her home after a few days in the hospital.  The demon child inside of my womb was a perfect, quiet child that porked up so fast.  I always said I would do one more.  Just one more.

The pain just became unbearable today.  I went back on the medication.  It will take time for it to build up in my system again.  My short-term memory, I will have to use all of my techniques of writing everything down and reviewing it constantly to make it into long-term memory.  It's a process.

Nearly 10 years and pain.  Every, single, day.  I will have more children, I will adopt, I will foster.  I may never carry again, but carrying a child doesn't make you a mother.  What makes you a mother is all that you do for your children.

The pain is all-encompassing today.  It's like a wave washes between the insides of your bones, flowing effortlessly inbetween the layers of your muscles and you cannot focus.  The pain is everywhere, always there, always a reminder.  Sometimes I can get relief it's not often, but when I can, words can't express what it's like.  I wish that one day I could wake up and be free from this.  Ever since I had E, I've had this.  I chose to have her, I will never regret her, she is my reason for ... well everything that I do.  I'm proud to be her mother.  I just wish the pain didn't take away as much as it does.

So since no more children from me, at least for now with where things stand, time to go back on the medication.  I could endure the pain to increase my family, but I cannot endure it otherwise.  

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