Monday, August 31, 2015

Friday, August 28, 2015

Quote Inspiration

"If I date you,
I see myself marrying you.
I see myself building with you.
I see myself growing with you.
I don't date to just pass the time.
I'm dating you because I see
potential in you..."

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Starting Over :)

I'm glad I've listened to my own gut.  My therapist, last year, told me that I should go out and start dating again since there was a very real reality with my ability to have children.  I'm grateful I did not throw myself back into the dating game.

I needed to just do me, throw myself into dealing with the loss.  I'm not perfect, I'm still dealing with that loss.  However, I met someone.  Someone that I didn't realize when I met him that I'd look at him differently.

It's been a slow progression and I'm amazed.  Someone that gets my dorky, sarcastic nature, whom I recently said I like you and I'd like to get to know you better.  In what way?  I dunno, anything really.  I fancy you and your company, what can I say?

I don't know if it's going to go anywhere.  I don't think I'll ever be over JH, that's something that you could never get over it just is.  This is the first time I've really liked someone new in a long time.  I really like this person's personality, disposition ... he's witty and smart.  I dunno if there will be any chemistry beyond a very fun and enthusiastic friendship.  It's just, I feel pursued and I'm responding in kind.  It came out of nowhere, from my vacation.  

So again, it's the beginning stages of hey, I like you, do you?  Don't you?  When will you be visiting again?  What's up with your life?  I'm socially awkward and I joke about a lot of things and to have someone do that right back.  You tend to stop and take notice.  The thing that I am listening to my therapist on is to pay attention to values, make sure they align with what I want.  How does this person interact with friends? Family? Overall family values?  Life goals?  All of those fun things.  So far, intrigued.

My best friend says I'm smitten.  So what?  I am.  In general, a great new friend.  I'm amazed that something stirred in me when I wasn't even looking nor really even trying, at all.  Just being me, him being him and it's like, take notice.  It really started from a conversation we had a few days ago, sarcastically discussing and talking about pillows randomly.  We spent a hilarious couple of hours talking about inanimate objects and I was like, oh L, you're into him.  Admit it, you are.  You're attracted to him and he has kept messaging you since you left a few weeks ago.  Take notice.  So I am.

This song came up on a playlist I was listening to and well might as well share a good song with this story.  Prost to starting over.  I finally feel ready to begin dating again.  I want a family, it would be great to share that with someone.  It's great to feel desired for my mind, my witty sarcasm (no-holds-bar), body, and random adventures.  I'm ready.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015


I know I've played this song a few times over the years and it originally was written for Mr. B.  I do hope he's happy as well.  Now it's for the end of JH.  He's the only man I ever wanted to marry, have kids, have a family.  Life never works out the way you want and that's okay.  I look forward to getting to know him as a friend.  I'll love him forever.  The ball has been in his court for over a year.  It's time to put that nail in that coffin, I suppose.  He made a promise before he left to find a home for us, and it was that if it didn't work out he'd come home.  He's in massive debt, his expenses exceed his income, to me that's not working out. He'd rather be in the situation he's in than come home or....  So I get it, I do.

Good thing starting though is, I'm starting to rekindle hope again for love.  I want kids, I want a family and it's time to start trying again.

This song is too fitting now.  Yet, it means more to me in ways I don't know how best to express.  I'll always think of him.  I've been told many times that they will think of me when they are old and looking back on their lives.  All I ever wanted was to spend my life and a family, looking back on our lives together.

No one is perfect, I have things that I need to work on, everyone does.  It's commitment and the desire to grow together.  I play for keeps and commitment.

Side Note: Medication is helping with my albino cheetah status on my body due to my allergic reaction.  I'm feeling much better.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Fun times

I got sick, from my stay in Oregon, got a course of antibiotics.  Now I'm finding out I'm allergic to those.  I look like an albino cheetah and it's causing pain.  Real pain.  I will be MIA for some time as it is affecting every aspect of my life.  I've been told that I am speaking too quietly on the phone while at work and when E wants to go to the park, I just take her down to the pool at my apartment for her to have fun. The park, though a block and a half (if that) away, it is just too far.

I got sick from being careless and I don't know, I hope it all works out in the end.  My legs are just killing me from this.  Hopefully the doc has some answers soon as I'd like to take E camping one more time for the Summer with her best friend.  I will admit, it's fairly hilarious to look at, but I'm honestly quite done as it is very painful.  They don't really itch, it's just pain and the pain meds that I have are barely curbing it.  The 'pink lotion' which I forget the name of, is on my arms and legs, helping to ease the pain, but it's not enough.  It's causing a pain flare and those, words barely express the mind-numbing agony that it causes.  I have a new doctor and I truly hope he will care and will do something to stop the pain and make the marks on my body go away.

Monday, August 17, 2015


I was talking with some of my friends recently.  We were all discussing dating, relationships... they had such hope in their eyes.  I don't mind talking about what I want in life, what I want in a partner, how I want to grow old with a partner, have a real relationship.  I guess, I just don't believe in it anymore.  I don't believe that people are willing to stick together.  It's all about me me me, not about what is best for the relationship.  Letting things go, making things work, bending, growing, working together.

You aren't always going to like everything that you do.  That's just a fact of life, but yet, we expect this in most relationships.  To always be happy.  JH said, that being near me brought up a lot of stuff, he pushed me away.  It would be wrong of me to say that it did not bring up things for me too.  Yet, we never discuss anything.

I'm very much in my own mind right now, spending time with E, now that she is home.  I'm not sure what to say.  I'm in a weird place, content with being and doing my own thing.  I got sick recently and am on antibiotics, which is tough on my system.  I hope things work out soon and we shall see if anything changes.

Monday, August 10, 2015


The reason I said what I said the other day was due to an interaction between us.  We both have spent some time together, though I've spent most of my vacation time with a variety of other amazing people exploring the town.

The hard part is that with what was said, it didn't break my heart, it felt like I was being stabbed in my soul.  I no longer view him in the same way anymore as I once did.  I view him now as I do any other lover or partner I've ever had.  The special-ness that once existed between us is just gone.  It's a fond memory, many fond memories and that's where they should be.

It's odd to view him the way I do all the others (albeit few, but others exist).  His reaction was tough to process.  He has a lot of things to figure out.  I've made myself very clear on where I want things to be and he needs to just do whatever it is he's going to do.

It was a goodbye.  A final goodbye.

Sunday, August 9, 2015


I never should have seen JH.

Saturday, August 8, 2015


Vacation has been wonderful thus far! I've traveled the nightlife, made a few friends with a few amazing people, even caught up with JH.

We were both able to say things that needed to be said. I feel that we were both unable to be blunt and truly honest with each other, so we stopped talking.

It was great to realize how easily we were able to fall back into talking, being dorks, just, how we are together. It was surreal to give him a hug, be in close proximity.

It's been so long since I've had that closeness near someone.

I'm not sure how to best put it into words. So anyhoo, vacation is amazing.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Struggling and Exciting Times

My mind travels away from me most days; thinking, longing, desiring...more.  I have a hard time connecting with people that don't have any long-term goals or plans in their lives.  I can empathize with people in their life, but sympathy is not always something that I can share with others.

I have cravings for the life that I grew up with, in a way.  The way my Grandfather was always there for me, always there with me, whether thousands of miles separated us, we were both incredibly close.  He instilled in me a value of working hard, that you aren't entitled to anything, you have to work hard for it and then some.

I apply this rationale to my work and family life, personally, but I realized I don't with close relationships.  I have put that 5/6th on my list of to do list.  As a result, I have some improvements that I need to do there.  Some of the things I miss a lot are holding hands, the calmness that you feel laying next to someone during a cold night, the dorky faces made whilst walking around town, all of those socially acceptable experiences.

I tend to get in my own way and am awkward with people.  Though, if you think about it, we all kind of are.  We all either get in our own ways, or well, we fix it, change course.  I can either ignore people, or I could actually put some effort into this part of my life that I've completely and utterly shut down.

New adventures this week as I'll be going on vacation to explore a city I haven't had the pleasure to spend enough time in.  I'm incredibly excited!  I love the pacific northwest.  I've always loved driving through and stopping.  Just need to pack my bags today/tomorrow and then I'm off for some new adventures.