Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Great Things

Things are going well, yet hard.  I have my confidence back and it's helping.  It looks like I will be moving soon.  There's so much on my mind.  I'm falling back into love with life.  To have my confidence back that I can change things and make things better, is a wonderful feeling.  I'm falling again and finding my own voice in all of this.

Friday, September 25, 2015


We're in close proximity.  He's leaning against the concrete, gazing up at the stars, his arm around me.  I can feel his breath against my hair.  We talk in wonder and of the vastness, his arms envelop me, mine fall to his side, searching for the warmth of his skin.

He brings his hand following the ripples of my body, up along my shoulders, to my neck, the breathing catches, hearts palpitating, fingers up along my chin, across my lips, kissing me, desiring me, we turn together.

I press him up against the coldness, he pulls me up against his form. My hair burries itself in the crevice of his neck. 

My lips graze his exposed skin, my hand holds me firmly against him, while the other explores the tendrils falling from his scalp.  I grasp them and turn his head away, exposing him further as my teeth begin to run along his shoulders up to his ear.  

We then kiss and breath turns into desire, longing, need.  Hands explore the warmth while the swirling wind pushes us ever closer together.

Music Time

I'm having a hard time feeling comfortable right now.  I'm nervous to this dating stuff and I miss my best friend.  I'm stuck and it sucks for all involved.  I feel like I'm poking my toes into a pond with my closed, heart racing, one step forward, one step stuck in the past.  It's going forward, just ever so slowly.

I'm plagued by my own anxiety and fears.  I'm nervously scared.  I barely survived last year, crying myself to sleep every night for months and now, I can't make headway on my feelings.  To be so scared, to want someone, to really enjoy his company, how he's a dork, makes me smile over something mundane, how he's going to fly down and I'll see him, I'm fairly certain that is affecting me the most.  The apprehensive issues, the not knowing, the overthinking, the letting go, the Skype dates, the long text messages, random talks, herro pictures back and forth.

I don't know how to reconcile my feelings and maybe I shouldn't.  I don't know how I feel about things.  I suck at this whole long distance thing.  I'm so confused and lost in that I just don't know exactly what I want.  When I'm with him I don't feel this way.  

I guess you could say I'm scared to start over again.  I'm getting in my own way, clinging onto a past that no longer exists.  I really want to see him and I'd really like to hold his hand.  The simple stuff.

I guess the way to deal with fears, is to express them.  To make them known, to state them out loud.  The fact that I cannot have children, or rather, the likelihood is low for me to get pregnant, let alone be able to carry to term.  None of my pregnancies have gone to term.  I really want children.  I want to be pregnant again, to breastfeed again.  The fear of waiting.  The fear of someone not wanting E the way she deserves.  The fear of it all takes over a lot of the time.  The only way to go forward is to try again.  To make those first steps.  It's terrifying as hell.  I think five years ahead.  I wonder about the next fifty years.  Who will be there?  Who will stay?  Who will be my partner in crime?

Will I grow old?  Who in my family will grow with me?  Who can I grow with?  I am not the same person I was last year.  With all the changes that were made during those times.  Who will I become?  How can I be a better mom?  How can I be a better person?  I feel a tad paralyzed by my own insecurities.  I feel lost.  I feel a tug towards someone I barely know.  I cannot explain it.  I talk to him pretty much every day.  He makes me smile and laugh.  It's pretty great.  I guess, I'm always wondering when the shoe's gonna drop.  When is it going to fall apart this time?  It always does, at least it seems to be the case.

I guess the thing to say is whether or not it will.  Or rather, that aha moment of, oh you have a kid and you don't have time for me.  Things are pretty serious and I just want to have some fun.  I want to be with you before children.  I cannot offer that.  I don't want to offer that.  My entire adult life has been being a mother.  His first girlfriend was a mother, so possibly, he already 'gets' it.  I think we just  need to talk and I need to express myself.  And also just take a freaking chill pill.

I'm scared of making a mistake so I stop living.  It's a bad set-up, one I'm working on fixing.  So fine, talking, getting this out has helped.  I'm just scared and I have to just own it.  I'm scared because it's real.  There's someone that gets me and my dorky-ness.  Someone that was kind, that caught me out of the corner of my eye.  That my gut trusts.  That is a good person, wants a family, wants to settle down, is older, is patient.

So I just need to get out of my head.  I don't know how to do it.  I really want to see him again.  I'm nervous to kiss him, but I'd really like to.  It's hard to trust again, after everything that I've experienced.  It took a year to not be afraid of sleeping next to JH.  It's hard to emotionally go through something that seems so simple to most people.  I'm scared he'll see the flawed me and just....  I'm scared of pushing him away, like I do with most people.

When we met, I was completely myself, no fears about all of this, hanging out, just being me.  Now that we're both interested in myself, gosh, I'm all balskjf;aslkdjf;slakdjf.  Such a dork!  I need to get out of my head.  I'm not sure how to best do this.  I wish he were here and not up in Oregon.  I want to know if we have chemistry.  We spent a good amount of time together in close proximity.  Yet we never touched.  I thought he wasn't interested, yet I felt quite comfortable near him.  I'd like to get together again with him and be close.  I enjoy Skyping and talking.  I'm just a ball of nerves.  I haven't liked someone new in gosh, four years?  It feels very weird.

He'll be here in roughly two weeks' time.  I have a lot to figure out so-to-speak.  I just know I want to see him again.

Thanks for putting up with my rambling.  I'm not sure how else to express myself.  There is a lot going on, it's just.

Friday, September 11, 2015


Date Night

So, we had a date and it was a 6.5 hour Skype date.  I've never done one of those before and I was totally nervous, cuz yeah, I dunno.  We stayed up talking about random stuff and it lasted about 6.5 hours.  I'm amazed.  I mean, we had stayed up talking nearly every night from the day we met talking, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised.  It's just wow.

My face says it all. I wasn't looking for anyone, I'm still dealing with my own heartache and I do not believe in the stupid saying that the best way to get over someone is to start dating other people.  I just needed time to heal, time for me, time to deal with that painful loss. I'll never fully get over JH, and I'm glad that whole aspect of my life, well, I had told him all about and he even met him.  I guess that's weird, but it's just how it turned out.

I really like this guy. He caught my eye and I don't even know it's like, wow. I love baseball and it's an amazing sport, while soccer is just a bunch of people kicking a ball back and forth.  Yet, he has this warped sense of being that soccer is an active sport and baseball is a bunch of lazy people on steroids.  He is completely wrong and has no idea what he's talking about.  So I mean hey, there's that major issue that we cannot forget, nor dismiss.

My eyes hurt and are scratchy and want to be closed and want me to go back to sleep.  I don't know how I stayed up so late talking, but I did, I did not notice the time.  I don't 'need' to be in a relationship, I've got my sh** together.  I'm fairly happy with where things are in life.  However, I want to see him again.  I enjoy talking with him and spending time with him.  I look forward to this.  I don't know how this is going to work out, but I'm excited to see where this is all going.

Saturday, September 5, 2015