Friday, September 25, 2015

Music Time

I'm having a hard time feeling comfortable right now.  I'm nervous to this dating stuff and I miss my best friend.  I'm stuck and it sucks for all involved.  I feel like I'm poking my toes into a pond with my closed, heart racing, one step forward, one step stuck in the past.  It's going forward, just ever so slowly.

I'm plagued by my own anxiety and fears.  I'm nervously scared.  I barely survived last year, crying myself to sleep every night for months and now, I can't make headway on my feelings.  To be so scared, to want someone, to really enjoy his company, how he's a dork, makes me smile over something mundane, how he's going to fly down and I'll see him, I'm fairly certain that is affecting me the most.  The apprehensive issues, the not knowing, the overthinking, the letting go, the Skype dates, the long text messages, random talks, herro pictures back and forth.

I don't know how to reconcile my feelings and maybe I shouldn't.  I don't know how I feel about things.  I suck at this whole long distance thing.  I'm so confused and lost in that I just don't know exactly what I want.  When I'm with him I don't feel this way.  

I guess you could say I'm scared to start over again.  I'm getting in my own way, clinging onto a past that no longer exists.  I really want to see him and I'd really like to hold his hand.  The simple stuff.

I guess the way to deal with fears, is to express them.  To make them known, to state them out loud.  The fact that I cannot have children, or rather, the likelihood is low for me to get pregnant, let alone be able to carry to term.  None of my pregnancies have gone to term.  I really want children.  I want to be pregnant again, to breastfeed again.  The fear of waiting.  The fear of someone not wanting E the way she deserves.  The fear of it all takes over a lot of the time.  The only way to go forward is to try again.  To make those first steps.  It's terrifying as hell.  I think five years ahead.  I wonder about the next fifty years.  Who will be there?  Who will stay?  Who will be my partner in crime?

Will I grow old?  Who in my family will grow with me?  Who can I grow with?  I am not the same person I was last year.  With all the changes that were made during those times.  Who will I become?  How can I be a better mom?  How can I be a better person?  I feel a tad paralyzed by my own insecurities.  I feel lost.  I feel a tug towards someone I barely know.  I cannot explain it.  I talk to him pretty much every day.  He makes me smile and laugh.  It's pretty great.  I guess, I'm always wondering when the shoe's gonna drop.  When is it going to fall apart this time?  It always does, at least it seems to be the case.

I guess the thing to say is whether or not it will.  Or rather, that aha moment of, oh you have a kid and you don't have time for me.  Things are pretty serious and I just want to have some fun.  I want to be with you before children.  I cannot offer that.  I don't want to offer that.  My entire adult life has been being a mother.  His first girlfriend was a mother, so possibly, he already 'gets' it.  I think we just  need to talk and I need to express myself.  And also just take a freaking chill pill.

I'm scared of making a mistake so I stop living.  It's a bad set-up, one I'm working on fixing.  So fine, talking, getting this out has helped.  I'm just scared and I have to just own it.  I'm scared because it's real.  There's someone that gets me and my dorky-ness.  Someone that was kind, that caught me out of the corner of my eye.  That my gut trusts.  That is a good person, wants a family, wants to settle down, is older, is patient.

So I just need to get out of my head.  I don't know how to do it.  I really want to see him again.  I'm nervous to kiss him, but I'd really like to.  It's hard to trust again, after everything that I've experienced.  It took a year to not be afraid of sleeping next to JH.  It's hard to emotionally go through something that seems so simple to most people.  I'm scared he'll see the flawed me and just....  I'm scared of pushing him away, like I do with most people.

When we met, I was completely myself, no fears about all of this, hanging out, just being me.  Now that we're both interested in myself, gosh, I'm all balskjf;aslkdjf;slakdjf.  Such a dork!  I need to get out of my head.  I'm not sure how to best do this.  I wish he were here and not up in Oregon.  I want to know if we have chemistry.  We spent a good amount of time together in close proximity.  Yet we never touched.  I thought he wasn't interested, yet I felt quite comfortable near him.  I'd like to get together again with him and be close.  I enjoy Skyping and talking.  I'm just a ball of nerves.  I haven't liked someone new in gosh, four years?  It feels very weird.

He'll be here in roughly two weeks' time.  I have a lot to figure out so-to-speak.  I just know I want to see him again.

Thanks for putting up with my rambling.  I'm not sure how else to express myself.  There is a lot going on, it's just.

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