Monday, October 5, 2015

My Baby Boy


My cousin posted this and shared it with everyone recently.  It hit me hard.  Harder than I'd truly like to admit.  It's completely true.  I didn't have to do the math, I knew his age.  He would have been 7 by now.  I did the math in my head to confirm.  I do the math subconsciously and I don't talk about him much.  I haven't given him a name, it's too much.

You feel like a failure.  There are so many emotions tied up with a miscarriage.  The life that could have been.  None of my pregnancies have made it to term and all I've ever wanted to be was a good mother to many children.  I lost my son.  My daughter is, currently, an only child.  It saddens me to think of him because it was at the point when my marriage fell apart.  Being reminded of that time is not easy.  The loss of him and the loss of my marriage is a deeply sad time in my life.  I want more children and I'll always think of him; the baby that I lost.  The child that will never be.

It is a silent moment in our lives; the loss of a child.  I wanted to get to know him, to protect him, to raise him.  I'll always love my children.  The book my daughter loves me to read to her, the poem that I always recite, was written after two stillborn deaths.  I can relate ever more now in knowing what that poem means.

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.

I have been told since I was sixteen that I'd be lucky if I ever got pregnant.  How lucky I am to have been able to have had E.  I long and wish for the time that I could've also had him too.  I know it is irrational to beat one's self up over the loss of an unborn child, but it is something that is difficult to put into words what that feels like.  I had just found out.  I began to plan and to prepare for him.  Then, he was gone.  I broke at that time.  I buried it down.  I've cried over him many times, I still talk to him and think of him.  As somber as it was to be reminded of him and how he'd be 7, probably in the first/second grade.  I will have more children in my life, more than likely, not from me, so with that I leave with the poem at the end of that book.

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living,
My Mommy you'll be.

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