Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Baby Steps

We stayed up talking last night.  Just about randomness, how we grew up.  We talked in silly references and he makes me smile.  He makes me smile for all these silly reasons.  So many silly reasons.  We have inside jokes about various topics and it’s weird.  I don’t think we touched once, except maybe in passing, when we met.  This is such a surreal experience for me.

I’m nervous as heck.  I’m myself and I struggle with expressing the conflicting sides of myself.  He asks poignant questions and he tells me of his life.  I think this has been the best way to meet and begin falling for someone.  It’s calm and It’s quite nice.

I’m nervous, I’ll be honest.  Celibacy has been such a big aspect of this time.  Even with a few brief encounters with people, each time reminded me of how empty it is to be with someone when it means nothing at all.  I’m nervous because I’m going to be crashing at his place when I visit in the upcoming weeks.

I have a very clearly defined anxiety around sleeping next to someone, being close, and yet it’s something I do want.  It’s such a hard thing to explain and to deal with.

I’m, different, I’m a new person and I haven’t grappled or rather I’ve chosen to ignore this side of myself for a very long time.  I’m reconciling with my faith.  I’ve changed, I’ve got scars that cover me and any attempt to deal with it all has been to work, work harder, be a good mother….  I reminisce in how this weird, cute guy just kept messaging me for weeks after I left my trip and it finally hit me, oh, he likes me.  Dork.

Sometimes, or rather a lot, I’m fairly oblivious to these things.  I can come across completely differently than I had originally intended.  It’s just kind of how it goes, I suppose.  I’m eager to see him again and to also see my own reaction.  I’m taking those ‘calculated’ baby steps.  I needed this year.  JH, the effect of him is lasting no matter what I do, it’s there.  I needed time to let it all go, to let go of the person that I once knew and instead the person that I know now.

People said, "go and check out online dating," ew, "go out and you’ll meet people" (like a club or something) ew, "don’t just focus on work," ugh.  The mini vacation I took this Summer, it was great.  I met some amazing people, people I’m now friends with and tried out AirBNB, where I met Mr. New.  I’m sure another, hopefully, better, term will come about.  However, for now, Mr. New.  We have similar hobbies and just like talking ‘smack’ to one another.  The first thing I said to him, or rather the first full sentence was of me telling him that to "please let me know if I offend him because I’m on vacation and well, I have a lot of sass.  So just let me know, cuz I would just like to have a good time."  We stayed up every night I was there, both in full smiles and making memories.

It was great to just make friends with someone, there never felt like any pressure to do anything or to be anyone.  He got to see me chicken-sh** out of costume for Rocky Horror in public, cuz, well, I’m a modest son-of-a-gun.  So, I quietly don’t know.  I’m nervous because it’s painful what I went through this time last year, or even worse, that past September.  I just keep telling myself, "baby steps."

This could just be a relationship, or rather it is one, let’s get all scientific, but you know what I mean.  Sheesh.  I’m not good at this.  I’m sure if I was, things would be different, honestly, who really knows, right?  So here it is to everything.  I’m glad I listened to myself and just took some time.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Monday, November 23, 2015


E and I have been catching up on Once Upon A Time and I awoke from a dream with the notion, this morning, that I no longer believe in fairy tale endings.  I smiled with this.  Because fairy tale endings mean that there is always hope for a particular ending, of everything working out, however, in reality, that's not how it works.

Reality is the never ending notion that people, society, everything is fairly complicated, sacrifices, compromises, and strong will are always battling it out.  I believe in happy endings, but not in fairy tales.  It's a weird way of putting it.  The loss of hope has definitely altered me.  I'm still me, still pessimistically optimistic about the world, but I no longer have hope that things will always work out.  However, I am happy.

I'm happy that I can create a life for E and me.  I'm working on reconciling my feelings about dating, as I am, dating-ish someone.  I have a heart and I want a family.  I have to answer a question, though, for it to ever work out, and the question is, "am I really willing to risk losing this person?"  I don't know.

Losing the one person you never thought would leave, the one person that saw you at your worst and stood by you, didn't say anything, just held you, gave you strength you never thought you had and was then gone.  Left, due to cowardice.  Do I really want to go through that again?  Honestly, I don't.  Maybe that makes me a coward.  Maybe that gives me a cold heart, or at least one too scared to risk.  I don't know what to say.

I just know that there are no fairy tale endings.  E believes in them and her innocence is beautiful.  I cherish it and respect it.  I'm having a hard time reconciling a choice I made many years ago.  The one where I chose to spend the rest of my life with someone, that I no longer wanted to experience another person.  I don't know how to reconcile and have someone else touch me, touch my heart, touch my cheek, any of it.  I just wish to live my life in peace and raise E.

I'm pretty good about making decisions and keeping them.  In real life, there are no fairy tale endings, but that doesn't mean that you can't have a happy one.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

For all that I am

For all the days and years that pass
I will always love you.
I will always miss you.
And I will always cherish you.

For, in the short time that we shared together,
A lifetime
was lived.