Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Baby Steps

We stayed up talking last night.  Just about randomness, how we grew up.  We talked in silly references and he makes me smile.  He makes me smile for all these silly reasons.  So many silly reasons.  We have inside jokes about various topics and it’s weird.  I don’t think we touched once, except maybe in passing, when we met.  This is such a surreal experience for me.

I’m nervous as heck.  I’m myself and I struggle with expressing the conflicting sides of myself.  He asks poignant questions and he tells me of his life.  I think this has been the best way to meet and begin falling for someone.  It’s calm and It’s quite nice.

I’m nervous, I’ll be honest.  Celibacy has been such a big aspect of this time.  Even with a few brief encounters with people, each time reminded me of how empty it is to be with someone when it means nothing at all.  I’m nervous because I’m going to be crashing at his place when I visit in the upcoming weeks.

I have a very clearly defined anxiety around sleeping next to someone, being close, and yet it’s something I do want.  It’s such a hard thing to explain and to deal with.

I’m, different, I’m a new person and I haven’t grappled or rather I’ve chosen to ignore this side of myself for a very long time.  I’m reconciling with my faith.  I’ve changed, I’ve got scars that cover me and any attempt to deal with it all has been to work, work harder, be a good mother….  I reminisce in how this weird, cute guy just kept messaging me for weeks after I left my trip and it finally hit me, oh, he likes me.  Dork.

Sometimes, or rather a lot, I’m fairly oblivious to these things.  I can come across completely differently than I had originally intended.  It’s just kind of how it goes, I suppose.  I’m eager to see him again and to also see my own reaction.  I’m taking those ‘calculated’ baby steps.  I needed this year.  JH, the effect of him is lasting no matter what I do, it’s there.  I needed time to let it all go, to let go of the person that I once knew and instead the person that I know now.

People said, "go and check out online dating," ew, "go out and you’ll meet people" (like a club or something) ew, "don’t just focus on work," ugh.  The mini vacation I took this Summer, it was great.  I met some amazing people, people I’m now friends with and tried out AirBNB, where I met Mr. New.  I’m sure another, hopefully, better, term will come about.  However, for now, Mr. New.  We have similar hobbies and just like talking ‘smack’ to one another.  The first thing I said to him, or rather the first full sentence was of me telling him that to "please let me know if I offend him because I’m on vacation and well, I have a lot of sass.  So just let me know, cuz I would just like to have a good time."  We stayed up every night I was there, both in full smiles and making memories.

It was great to just make friends with someone, there never felt like any pressure to do anything or to be anyone.  He got to see me chicken-sh** out of costume for Rocky Horror in public, cuz, well, I’m a modest son-of-a-gun.  So, I quietly don’t know.  I’m nervous because it’s painful what I went through this time last year, or even worse, that past September.  I just keep telling myself, "baby steps."

This could just be a relationship, or rather it is one, let’s get all scientific, but you know what I mean.  Sheesh.  I’m not good at this.  I’m sure if I was, things would be different, honestly, who really knows, right?  So here it is to everything.  I’m glad I listened to myself and just took some time.

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