Monday, November 23, 2015

Fairytales

E and I have been catching up on Once Upon A Time and I awoke from a dream with the notion, this morning, that I no longer believe in fairy tale endings.  I smiled with this.  Because fairy tale endings mean that there is always hope for a particular ending, of everything working out, however, in reality, that's not how it works.

Reality is the never ending notion that people, society, everything is fairly complicated, sacrifices, compromises, and strong will are always battling it out.  I believe in happy endings, but not in fairy tales.  It's a weird way of putting it.  The loss of hope has definitely altered me.  I'm still me, still pessimistically optimistic about the world, but I no longer have hope that things will always work out.  However, I am happy.

I'm happy that I can create a life for E and me.  I'm working on reconciling my feelings about dating, as I am, dating-ish someone.  I have a heart and I want a family.  I have to answer a question, though, for it to ever work out, and the question is, "am I really willing to risk losing this person?"  I don't know.

Losing the one person you never thought would leave, the one person that saw you at your worst and stood by you, didn't say anything, just held you, gave you strength you never thought you had and was then gone.  Left, due to cowardice.  Do I really want to go through that again?  Honestly, I don't.  Maybe that makes me a coward.  Maybe that gives me a cold heart, or at least one too scared to risk.  I don't know what to say.

I just know that there are no fairy tale endings.  E believes in them and her innocence is beautiful.  I cherish it and respect it.  I'm having a hard time reconciling a choice I made many years ago.  The one where I chose to spend the rest of my life with someone, that I no longer wanted to experience another person.  I don't know how to reconcile and have someone else touch me, touch my heart, touch my cheek, any of it.  I just wish to live my life in peace and raise E.

I'm pretty good about making decisions and keeping them.  In real life, there are no fairy tale endings, but that doesn't mean that you can't have a happy one.

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