Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Music Moment

The musical talent on this is just phenomenal.  I can't stop listening to it for that reason alone.  Can't wait to get my kids their musical instruments, so many at home that they practice on, but to truly find their passion and play.  It's hard to explain, I feel that the musician playing the trumpet expresses his love of music in this accompaniment.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Changing Times

So many things have changed, this year alone.  It feels like… it feels like a rebirth.  My daughter is at the beginning stages of puberty, is growing  up, developing in a wide range of possibilities, figuring out who she is and who she will become.  I have found my partner, the person that will become my husband, whom gave me my other daughter.  Though only slightly younger than E, boy do they butt heads and yet boy do they love each other.  They come home soon and with the place nearly ready for them, all I can do is dream of holding them in my arms.  My children.

It’s been a whirlwind learning what it is like to live with a partner.  I haven’t done it since E’s father, with whom I didn’t get a very good amount of time together, for various reasons.  A partner that jumps up and helps, even when all I did was ask if he put the dinner in the oven.  It’s like no, I got it, I can do it, I’m just asking if you did, keep doing your thing.  He’s also not used to someone helping out and doing the dishes, cleaning up, really anything.  So we are working out and learning each other’s quirks.

I miss my friends living up here, I miss being close to family for E, I miss a lot of things and a lot of people.  The people that I do know here don’t call back.  I have a few colleagues that I’ve been making friends with, it’s just still, hard, to say, I miss people that ‘get’ me.  Yes my honey does, but still, it’s hard to explain.

So I guess it’s that I must say goodbye to people that I thought were friends that would always be there.  So it is time to let go, I suppose.  I’m happy with where my life is going, it’s just sad because it takes two for a friendship to work.  Maybe it’s too much to ask.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Friday, August 5, 2016

Lovely Music

This song has been stuck in my head for the past few weeks.  So thought I'd share.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Friday, June 17, 2016

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Monday, May 23, 2016

What does it mean to be a parent?

That is always a tough one and one to where, it seems, we tend to draw criticism towards other parents.  We state, well at least we don’t do that.  Or at least I always do this.  Or at least I am the ‘better’ parent.  I’d like to say that each comment for critique is always in an attempt to make yourself better than someone else.  Parents that bring up topics about how the kids come first, still yell, still put pressure on themselves to work, to provide a good life (with whatever definition that may be).  There’s so much more to being a parent.  Some children need constant attention, some need space in order to learn how to work through problems, while others would do better without their parents.

The main thing is that a parent’s role is incredibly important.  I’m a single mother and I see in my daughter’s eyes the joy she has in learning new things, going off to camp, and telling me stories.  Some of the best stories come from her various trips without me.  Some of the troubling stories I hear are also without me.  All that I can do, is to listen, and to help her to grow.

Her father has a visitation schedule and will on occasion request time that fits without the standard agreement other times he gives very little warning that he will not be showing up for his scheduled time.  His choices and decisions to be in her life have a direct impact on her.  Neither parent is better, neither parent deserves to have time, it’s always weighed against, what is the best thing for her?  We have differing opinions and differing ways to make this happen.

All I can say is what I see and what I wish I could do for her.  I want to not make her life easy, but to help her keep her innocence as long as possible.  Once it is gone, it’s gone.  It can never come back.  I have seen it chipped away from her at a very young age when her father wouldn’t call.  When she would come home because Daddy slept all day and went out with his friends at night and she was home with her paternal Grandmother.  The anger and the wish he’d show up.  The no longer sad face on her birthday with the absent calls, because it doesn’t matter.  The hassle of arranging a meet-up for him to show up late and to be crying because, “where’s my Dad?”

Yet, to be called the bad person and why would I not understand his hardships and pain?  You’re right, I don’t know how hard things are or when you’re depressed it’s too difficult to call.  That is something I cannot possibly understand.  Sometimes I have to work late and I am grumpy or I have to fly to another state for work and I cannot call her nor see her until I am back home.  It kills me, so maybe I do understand.  I just can’t do it for more than a few days and all I want to do is be home.

Being a parent is more than just the biology.  It’s the lasting effect that we leave on our children.  The imprint we leave, that mark.  Every call, every missed birthday, every attempt to spend time together, and every ER visit – the mark gets left.  People can think whatever they want of me and whatever they want as my daughter’s father, what will matter to me is what she thinks of us and my hope that she sees that I did everything that I could to provide a better life for her.  Not necessarily with things, but with the fact that it was a safe home to live.  I have to work in order to put food on the table and I will never understand someone’s one-sided mindset of what they are entitled to.  God gave you life, you  are entitled to nothing, He can take it all from you, and he’ll still expect you to stand up for yourself and do what you’re supposed to do.

The choice to not call her, to not show-up, to not acknowledge her birthday, to take her on an expensive trip because someone else is paying for it, for all of what will be going on, I’ll never understand.  I hope that she will become a beautiful young woman that expects more from a man than her own father.  She is lucky, as she has two Dads now and to say that one over the other has any more significant impact on her would be false.  They each have their own unique and equal impact.  One calls her every day, listens to her stories, knows who her friends are, has bought her food, taken her and spent time with her biological father – at the same time – and yet it still doesn’t change anything.  I hope that she will be a whole person and she is forever shaped by the experiences she has.  I wish to protect her from the, inevitable, loss of innocence, but to also work with her on the development of how to deal with the pain.  That yes, it sucks, Mom is here and it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to scream it out, it’s also okay to be brave and strong.  What you feel is correct for you and that it is okay.

The brightness in her eyes, in looking at her Dad, it’s a sight I haven’t seen since her biological Dad moved away.  The way G, her sister, looks at me.  It’s hard and the other biological parents have a role and yes, I wish I could shake them, sometimes, over the pain that they cause my children by not being around.  If only that would get them to see what we see.  The marks are there and they are forever shaping our children.  Whether you are away, whether you show up every day, how you interact with your children creates them into who they are as adults.  I pray to God they are confident, charismatic, intelligent and altogether good people.  I don’t say happy, because you won’t always be happy, you won’t always have it easy, you won’t always be able to achieve your goals, but to be a good person.  THAT’s the goal.

As a parent, I matter to the extent that I set the example of how I expect my children to act.  I have to be their mirror, until they are old enough to know better.  I’ll show up every day that I can, I’ll teach them the skills they need to learn.  I will not be a vacation parent, I’ll be the one they talk to every day, about any problem, about anything.  If you don’t pay attention and listen when they’re younger, they won’t come to you when they are older.  I hope one day they look back and see how hard I tried, how I felt bad about my mistakes, about everything.  I hope they remember who showed up and I hope they will find, a way, to go forward and find their own way.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

The long search

I know I have been mia recently and it's because I found my person.  I found the one.  We will be getting married in a few years, he'll be moving in with his daughter. E calls him dad and G calls me mom, she asked me to be her mom.

It's a long story and I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

What do you want?

I was asked that question recently... "what do you want?"  I honestly, I mean, I think I know, I know what I don't want, but what I want?  

I want...
a family
a life with someone
someone with whom makes me feel amazing
someone whom will want to be a parent to E
someone whom will let me be me
someone who loves my weirdness
someone that wants children
someone that I can quarrel with and brings out the best sides of us

I want a life
a life that has meaning
that has a purpose.

I want 
to go to Church on major holidays
someone that will be in the ceremony and 'gets' why it's important to me (whether s/he believes or not)
someone that will work with me on problems
someone that will remember birthdays
someone that cares about my favorite flower

I want
I want a life.
I want moments.

I want someone that won’t give me a hard time for not having time
I want someone that will want to share their life with me.

I want someone that will put the family first and will spend time with the kids

I want someone that I can enjoy my quiet moments
someone that understands the depths of it all.

I want a life and a family; everything that it means and everything that it encompasses.

As you know, I accepted that a family, if it’s just E and me, it’s perfect.  If I want more children, well, I can make it all happen.  

Friday, January 22, 2016

Monday, January 11, 2016

Friday, January 8, 2016

Thursday, January 7, 2016



That was a lovely surprise and feeling to be experiencing.  The timing is suspect, but alas, I'm going to enjoy it.  I'm going to continue dating, exploring what that all means, but most importantly develop the ability to foster parent and to be a mother.  Maybe I'll find love, a partner, a husband, honestly I don't know what the future holds.

For now, it's E and me against the world.  Hopefully soon, a beautiful addition will join us on our adventure.  I'll always wonder what-if, what life would have been like had we married, had a child together, spent the rest of our lives together.  I'm happy that I felt that love and I felt it again.  It's such a wonderful feeling.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016


Oh to wake up to morning texts from someone you haven't heard from in ages.  To seeing pictures of them with their family, nephews and acting like silly children.  To that nagging feeling you felt that one day in Big Bear all those many, many years ago come flinging and flying back out.  Seeing that face again, those arms, that smile...fk.

Everything flew back and I have no idea how to react.  So those are my emotions as of right now.

I think I will just enjoy this feeling for now.  I know that my heart, with the hope that is attempting to create will not happen.  I will continue to pursue a life with many more children. I will enjoy this, I just, need to figure it out once the initial emotions settle.

Monday, January 4, 2016


New Year's Eve I went to visit with my best friend and her family.  I had the pleasure of meeting with their latest addition to the family, their 4 month old baby girl.  I had a moment and a feeling pulled in me, the one that pulled in me when my relationship to JH full on ended.  I'm a mother, I've always wanted to be a mother and it's time to grow my family.  I'm not waiting anymore, it's time to make it happen.  

I will be moving thousands of miles away from where I am right now and when I put my roots down, I'm starting up the classes to become a foster parent and to begin the adoption process.  I can't even express in words this feeling, my heart has grown and the love that I feel.  Yes, I would like a relationship and a partner to have a child with, but you know what?  I want to grow my family.  I do firmly believe in having as many children as you can afford and well, I can do this.  I've been doing it and I will continue to do it.

This is going to be a long process, but my family will be bigger.  I always said that I would have 6-16 children and I never said that I would give birth to all of them.  Ever since I was a child, I wanted to be a mother.  Mr/Mrs Right or whatever will come along when it's time, but I'm done waiting for it to happen and to wait on growing my family.  If I am financially sound enough and emotionally ready, well, I'm ready.  Also, you're never fully ready, you're ready when  you just are.  It's hard to explain.  It's not the biological clock ticking, that's it's own different feeling, this is, I want to be a mommy to another person and I've always wanted to adopt, so I am.

I'm dating and that's nice and all that, but being a mother is the most important thing in the world to me and I have such peace and joy with this realization.  Holding her in my arms with her cooing at me...I want that more than anything.  I want to share that with E.  I may have lost E's brothers due to biology, but family is where the heart is, it's not always blood and honestly sometimes, you have to cut ties with blood.  I know what it's like to weigh the decision as to whether to give up your child or not and it is an impossible decision.  To also have your child taken from you and given to someone else is a heart-wrenching experience I wish upon no one.  I thank anyone that can make that decision and love for their child.  I hope to be a good mother to such a joyous gift.  I'm ready to start this journey.