Tuesday, January 26, 2016

What do you want?

I was asked that question recently... "what do you want?"  I honestly, I mean, I think I know, I know what I don't want, but what I want?  

I want...
a family
a life with someone
someone with whom makes me feel amazing
someone whom will want to be a parent to E
someone whom will let me be me
someone who loves my weirdness
someone that wants children
someone that I can quarrel with and brings out the best sides of us

I want a life
a life that has meaning
that has a purpose.

I want 
to go to Church on major holidays
someone that will be in the ceremony and 'gets' why it's important to me (whether s/he believes or not)
someone that will work with me on problems
someone that will remember birthdays
someone that cares about my favorite flower

I want
I want a life.
I want moments.

I want someone that won’t give me a hard time for not having time
I want someone that will want to share their life with me.

I want someone that will put the family first and will spend time with the kids

I want someone that I can enjoy my quiet moments
someone that understands the depths of it all.

I want a life and a family; everything that it means and everything that it encompasses.

As you know, I accepted that a family, if it’s just E and me, it’s perfect.  If I want more children, well, I can make it all happen.  

Friday, January 22, 2016

Monday, January 11, 2016

Friday, January 8, 2016

Thursday, January 7, 2016



That was a lovely surprise and feeling to be experiencing.  The timing is suspect, but alas, I'm going to enjoy it.  I'm going to continue dating, exploring what that all means, but most importantly develop the ability to foster parent and to be a mother.  Maybe I'll find love, a partner, a husband, honestly I don't know what the future holds.

For now, it's E and me against the world.  Hopefully soon, a beautiful addition will join us on our adventure.  I'll always wonder what-if, what life would have been like had we married, had a child together, spent the rest of our lives together.  I'm happy that I felt that love and I felt it again.  It's such a wonderful feeling.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016


Oh to wake up to morning texts from someone you haven't heard from in ages.  To seeing pictures of them with their family, nephews and acting like silly children.  To that nagging feeling you felt that one day in Big Bear all those many, many years ago come flinging and flying back out.  Seeing that face again, those arms, that smile...fk.

Everything flew back and I have no idea how to react.  So those are my emotions as of right now.

I think I will just enjoy this feeling for now.  I know that my heart, with the hope that is attempting to create will not happen.  I will continue to pursue a life with many more children. I will enjoy this, I just, need to figure it out once the initial emotions settle.

Monday, January 4, 2016


New Year's Eve I went to visit with my best friend and her family.  I had the pleasure of meeting with their latest addition to the family, their 4 month old baby girl.  I had a moment and a feeling pulled in me, the one that pulled in me when my relationship to JH full on ended.  I'm a mother, I've always wanted to be a mother and it's time to grow my family.  I'm not waiting anymore, it's time to make it happen.  

I will be moving thousands of miles away from where I am right now and when I put my roots down, I'm starting up the classes to become a foster parent and to begin the adoption process.  I can't even express in words this feeling, my heart has grown and the love that I feel.  Yes, I would like a relationship and a partner to have a child with, but you know what?  I want to grow my family.  I do firmly believe in having as many children as you can afford and well, I can do this.  I've been doing it and I will continue to do it.

This is going to be a long process, but my family will be bigger.  I always said that I would have 6-16 children and I never said that I would give birth to all of them.  Ever since I was a child, I wanted to be a mother.  Mr/Mrs Right or whatever will come along when it's time, but I'm done waiting for it to happen and to wait on growing my family.  If I am financially sound enough and emotionally ready, well, I'm ready.  Also, you're never fully ready, you're ready when  you just are.  It's hard to explain.  It's not the biological clock ticking, that's it's own different feeling, this is, I want to be a mommy to another person and I've always wanted to adopt, so I am.

I'm dating and that's nice and all that, but being a mother is the most important thing in the world to me and I have such peace and joy with this realization.  Holding her in my arms with her cooing at me...I want that more than anything.  I want to share that with E.  I may have lost E's brothers due to biology, but family is where the heart is, it's not always blood and honestly sometimes, you have to cut ties with blood.  I know what it's like to weigh the decision as to whether to give up your child or not and it is an impossible decision.  To also have your child taken from you and given to someone else is a heart-wrenching experience I wish upon no one.  I thank anyone that can make that decision and love for their child.  I hope to be a good mother to such a joyous gift.  I'm ready to start this journey.