Monday, January 4, 2016

Motherhood

New Year's Eve I went to visit with my best friend and her family.  I had the pleasure of meeting with their latest addition to the family, their 4 month old baby girl.  I had a moment and a feeling pulled in me, the one that pulled in me when my relationship to JH full on ended.  I'm a mother, I've always wanted to be a mother and it's time to grow my family.  I'm not waiting anymore, it's time to make it happen.  

I will be moving thousands of miles away from where I am right now and when I put my roots down, I'm starting up the classes to become a foster parent and to begin the adoption process.  I can't even express in words this feeling, my heart has grown and the love that I feel.  Yes, I would like a relationship and a partner to have a child with, but you know what?  I want to grow my family.  I do firmly believe in having as many children as you can afford and well, I can do this.  I've been doing it and I will continue to do it.

This is going to be a long process, but my family will be bigger.  I always said that I would have 6-16 children and I never said that I would give birth to all of them.  Ever since I was a child, I wanted to be a mother.  Mr/Mrs Right or whatever will come along when it's time, but I'm done waiting for it to happen and to wait on growing my family.  If I am financially sound enough and emotionally ready, well, I'm ready.  Also, you're never fully ready, you're ready when  you just are.  It's hard to explain.  It's not the biological clock ticking, that's it's own different feeling, this is, I want to be a mommy to another person and I've always wanted to adopt, so I am.

I'm dating and that's nice and all that, but being a mother is the most important thing in the world to me and I have such peace and joy with this realization.  Holding her in my arms with her cooing at me...I want that more than anything.  I want to share that with E.  I may have lost E's brothers due to biology, but family is where the heart is, it's not always blood and honestly sometimes, you have to cut ties with blood.  I know what it's like to weigh the decision as to whether to give up your child or not and it is an impossible decision.  To also have your child taken from you and given to someone else is a heart-wrenching experience I wish upon no one.  I thank anyone that can make that decision and love for their child.  I hope to be a good mother to such a joyous gift.  I'm ready to start this journey.

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