Living Simply

The Quiet Place

2012-01-27T09:58:00.000-08:00

I came across this a few months back. If you have 90 seconds, take the time and enjoy this.

Time

2012-01-26T09:47:00.000-08:00

It's such a relative concept and one that is generally taken for granted. I look at E and I wonder where the time has gone. It wasn't too long ago that I had a life without her in it, but I can't imagine my life without her, it's so odd for me to look back at the time and where it has gone.

We always think we have more time. More time to accomplish this goal, I can get to it next week, I can do it next year, until years go by and we no longer think we have the time to do what we always wanted to do. Having E and watching her grow and change into this amazing person has shown me that I need to enjoy what I have now. I do my best to stop and smell the roses, to take her on walks, to talk with her. Even if I'm tired, I may pull her into bed with me just so she can give me the tickles and talk to me about her day. She is so precious, but what's even more precious is the time we take to enjoy life.

I'm constantly running around, doing my best to accomplish a list of goals and tasks needed just for daily living. For example, get the laundry done, clean the bathroom, wash the dishes, prep the meals, the list never ends! I can plan as much as I want and let the stress of it all weigh me down, or I can do what I can and make sure that E and I spend some time laughing. It definitely isn't easy.

The hardest part is also dating and trying to have my own life. I have learned, over the years, that spending time with E and making her life better is just as important as me taking time for myself. I usually put myself last, as I feel is the case with most mothers out there. We will do anything so that they have a better life, a good life, give them a good step forward. However, the best way to do that is by example. How can I expect her to do well if I don't do it for myself? So when she has her homework from school to do, I help her with it, but then I also make sure that I have mine out as well so she can see that I make it a priority as well.

When it comes to dating, I keep my life separate in that area, but I also want to make sure that she understands that mommy has friends too. There's such a balancing act within this one area. I do my best, but being a single mom isn't easy at all. There's a lot of risk putting yourself out there and I'm not gonna lie, it can be down right terrifying. However, when someone just 'gets' you, there's no denying that connection, just taking it slow and seeing where it leads.

Update ~ Carpe Diem

2012-01-24T11:26:00.000-08:00

I haven't been posting for awhile because I've been doing my best to enjoy life outside the walls of my home. So far so good, been going well actually. I also haven't posted much lately about my disease and that's because it's been well controlled through medication, diet and exercise. However, some new symptoms did come up and require more tests. It sends home a message to me more powerful than ever to enjoy what I have right now. Had I known when I was 15 that I would be in the best shape of my life and that I should have lived a bit more, I would have.

I'm creating a bucket list for 2012 and I want to enjoy my body's abilities as they are now and love completely to those that are in my life. I've witnessed too much death of friends dying too soon and family members moving on to a better plane after they lived many decades here with me. I will never have my body back the way it was and I will forever miss it, but I'm done being a party pooper over it and I want my life back. I'm still very young with a wonderful daughter no matter what the diagnosis comes from the doctors and the lab tests, I know who I am and what I want to do with my life.

On the internet today...

2012-01-18T08:52:00.000-08:00

there are many talks of SOPA and PIPA check out wikipedia to find out more about it and what you can do to stop both of these bills in congress.

Also, take a look at the video below and see what's going on elsewhere in the world. We are a world of many different types of people and animals (not to mention fungi, bacteria, you get the picture). However, I cannot agree more with what this man is talking about and is something that I find very disturbing.

Music Monday

2012-01-16T12:00:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the delay, been a tad distracted lately. Here are some songs that I've come across lately.

Interesting Video on Interconnectedness

2012-01-12T14:04:00.000-08:00

TO UNDERSTAND IS TO PERCEIVE PATTERNS from jason silva on Vimeo.

Bodycare Basics: Natural Sources you can make from home

2012-01-11T04:00:00.000-08:00

Deodorant:

You can use a lemon wedge along with salt afterwards. Another option is to purchase a rock crystal: http://www.thecrystal.com/. They offer it in a basic rock form along with other holders, however, they come in plastic.

Shampoo

There are a variety of bar shampoos on the market, but the easiest and cheapest shampoo is to take Baking Soda, place into your palm create a small paste after adding water and scrub the hell out of your head. Rinse and repeat. When it's all done, take 1/3 part Apple Cider Vinegar and 2/3 part water and rinse. Use this to rinse your hair more than once. The first few rinses will remove all of the baking soda from your hair and the final rinse will help to rinse and smooth out your natural hair oils.

Conditioner:

Yogurt. It has great properties for conditioning your hair. After shampooing just place some yogurt on your had and work into your scalp. It moisturizes the scalp while also helping your hair obtain a nice Ph balance.

Soap:

Vegetable natural soaps are best because they have high glycerine contents and low lipid contents. Animal soaps cause soap scum, vegetable based soaps do not, it'll also help with cleaning since you won't have to deal with the soap scum.

Lotion:

Anything with high glycerin levels is good. Beeswax and coconut oils have the best properties based on their lipid structures. The reason lotions work is because they create a barrier between the skin and the air so that moisture stays inside rather than leaving the body through osmosis. Therefore the higher the lipid structure the better the barrier will be created. To make either product viable as a saulve you'll want a double boiler and add sweet almond oil, for example, 4T to 3T of either coconut oil or beeswax. This will make either one more pliable. Coconut oil melts at body temperature so you could just take some chips out of a container and then apply to your skin without much effort, the beeswax, not so much.

Music Friday, because why not?

2012-01-06T04:00:00.000-08:00

Life Lessons

2012-01-04T16:49:00.001-08:00

I've lived a long and good life. Many people say how I have a lot going for me and that I'm young, have youthful beauty, and a whole life ahead of me. It's hard to know this and appreciate it when the ones whom you have lost are gone and have returned to the earth.

This was a song with someone I once loved. He is gone now and in the time that I knew him, I have learned to appreciate the life that I do have. To enjoy the present, to not hold grudges, and to live the life that I want to live.

I have learned love and patience from my daughter. To love without conditions because someone at the end of the day needs you to hold her up. To show her by example how to live a life of happiness. E inspires me every day to be my best and to pursue my goals. She wants to pursue hers but how can she know how to do so without a good example?

Grandpa taught me gratitude and faith. Faith in your creator (whatever belief system that you may have), faith in your family (they will always be there for you no matter what), and faith in yourself. We have a saying in our family that you say to one another when you say goodbye, and that is "remember your name" and that is to remember your ancestors before you and where you came from. You are have had a better life based on the back breaking work of your family. Cherish it and respect it by not throwing your life away.

I am seeing someone that has caused me to reevaluate what I have learned in life. I caused him great pain many many years ago and those three words, I'm sorry, can never make it better. It can never heal his pain, I have learned this. You have to want to heal within yourself and forgive others so that you may move on with your life. That was a tough lesson I learned earlier this year with someone I was dating, A. After 7 years of friendship, even though we destroyed one another, I felt a need to continue to have him in my life. I forgave him for what had happened because throwing a friendship away as a result of a break up did not compute for me. We don't talk as much as we used to, but that's how it goes I s'pose.

I don't know what it is that I'm wanting right now at this very moment in time, I just know that I love the people that I spend my time with. I know that I will continue to grow and that I do hope to have a wonderful family to grow with me on my journey.

foot in mouth syndrome

2012-01-03T09:56:00.000-08:00

This tends to happen to people when they put words in your mouth because of what others say about you. You have to love it when that happens. I'm a direct and honest person and if people want to believe others about where I'm at and who I am, then go for it and don't get to know me and get pushed the f*** out of my life. So please, always be mindful that when you hear things about others that you need to take a grain of salt with it because there's most likely some sort of aspect of conjecture involved.

Music Monday

2012-01-02T11:06:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the delay in posting today, had a long New Year's weekend with the family. This song has been stuck in my head all weekend. No other songs are speaking to me currently. I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful New Year's weekend.

Inspiration 036

2011-12-29T04:00:00.000-08:00

"The most romantic story is not Romeo and Juliet who died together, but grandpa and grandma who grew old together. ♥" ~N. A.

I couldn't agree with this statement more. True love is to be able to deal with each other's faults, insecurities and pain with great composure. It is working through the painful parts, when you want to tear each other to pieces, because you KNOW you love one another and your grounded friendship is what you could not live without. Every relationship has their problems, but I can only hope to one day have the love that they had for one another. To have a man hold me up the way Grandpa did and the way Grandma cared for her husband. That love is one to work towards.

How to Clean Produce

2011-12-28T10:49:00.000-08:00

Okay, veggies come from a variety of sources especially when transported. No matter if they are organic or not, you get crap on your food before you ever get a chance to eat it, even if it comes from your back yard.

From the research I've done over the years, this is what I've found to be the best and most effective way to clean your produce.

1. Start with a clean counter top

2. Rinse veggies in a colander with clean tap water

3. Get out your vinegar (nothing special, plain white vinegar is perfect for this)

4. Rinse the produce with the vinegar, this will kill any bugs/bacteria, etc and help remove the dirt much better than anything else will.

5. Get out your Hydrogen peroxide (the normal stuff you can get anywhere)

6. Rinse the produce with this. This will break the vinegar. Vinegar is an acid and will continue to break down your produce if you only rinse with it. The hydrogen peroxide will break down the vinegar and leave your produce with Oxygen and Water as the basic byproduct. When H2O2 hits the vinegar it breaks it and breaks itself down into H2O and O2.

7. Dry your produce

8. Process and store as you see fit.

Voila your produce is clean and safe to eat with all dirt/contaminants removed.Works Cited:

Sandbeck, E. (2008). Green housekeeping. Scribner.

Music Monday

2011-12-26T04:00:00.000-08:00

Budgeting

2011-12-22T04:00:00.000-08:00

Okay, I get asked this a lot, "how in the heck do you pay for everything that you do with what you get paid?" I always laugh and go, "I dunno, I just do." I always know the dates of when my bills are due, when I get paid, and the total on all across the board. Now the only way that I can do that is by budgeting, I have a budget and I MUST stick to it, or else! Or else I cannot pay for anything. There is very little wiggle room and it definitely sucks.

So as you can see based on the picture to the left there is NOT a huge amount of wiggle room for me to work with. It's incredibly difficult to plan ahead and make sure that I can pay for school and pull my way out of any debt that's over my head. However, I do what I gotta do.

My rent is paid for through a barter system along with a few other needs, like baby sitting (sometimes which has to be paid for and is $20.00 an evening if I do not have a negotiated barter set up).

In Blue are those items that will either be going away soon or are places that I can save money each month. In Orange are those bills that I want to pay more on each month in order to bring down the total amount owed. And then in yellow are those items that I need to look into reducing by any means necessary.

For example, I watch my credit score and am working on getting it better and better all the time. If I can get my score up 50-90 points I can reduce my auto loan by 75-80 dollars per month. In gas expenses, I just drive less. I am now carpooling twice a week to save on gas and making sure that when I do need to drive that I do it as sparingly as possible. Now when it comes to the grocery bill this has to do with all of the 'special' food that I must get for E. I can reduce here by combining coupons and sales together at points of purchase, I'm good at this, but sometimes I can be 'lax about it.

Now, you may be wondering what that random $200.00 is in my income calculations, it is that I am reducing my income by that much as a result of taxes and such being pulled out of my paycheck each month. Daycare should also be re-listed as Kindergarten as I pay for her Kindergarten program. Also, I will not reduce my car insurance for each month. This just will not happen. I have a new-ish car (due to the auto-loan) and if anything were to happen in the car, all liability is covered. I've seen people pay for cheaper insurance get into accidents and have barely anything covered at all and them be liable. No, no thank you.

This is how I can survive off of what I make each month along with all of my expenses. People that do not have children that are paid more than I do, with barely any expenses to their name complain about being able to pay their bills ... ya'll get a deaf ear as far as I'm concerned. Some of my friends do this and I don't have a whole lot of sympathy for the very fact that they refuse to create a budget and live within their means or even below their means. It is imperative to do just that so that you can afford the hick-ups that come up in life as well as to be able to save for the future.

"A penny saved is a penny earned"

Free Education

2011-12-21T09:45:00.000-08:00

Yes, a degree says a lot to employers that you like to spend a lot of money on obtaining an education and that you need to be paid more in order to pay off your loans. Well, even though I am working on my education and paying for it, it's nice to know that places like Stanford are offering their education for free, however, the catch is that you do not obtain any 'real' college credit. You just obtain the information and knowledge that you signed up for.

Music Monday

2011-12-19T08:56:00.000-08:00

You Are My Sunshine..

2011-12-14T04:00:00.000-08:00

Regret

2011-12-13T04:00:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine brought this topic up and well, it is one that has greatly affected me in my life in general. He sent me the above link about regret and vaguely mentioned that he's going through that right now. Regret is always going to affect you, when you're a child you may regret peeing in the potty right before bed because you had an accident; as a teenager wishing you had studied the night before the big test; as an adult calling back your Grandfather the day before he died. Regret has a way of hitting you hard in the gut.

I used to pride myself on saying that I lived a life separate from regret and it was true, I did. However, I don't think that it's a good thing. Regret has shown me that I made bad decisions based on simple decisions without giving much though to the consequences. By having regret, it shows me where to change my behavior, what I need to do, and where I want to be.

I decided a long time ago that I deserved to be happy. Happiness is a choice, it is a decision, and not one to take lightly. I love to make others happy and I am a very loyal person as a result. However, that loyalty has come to bite me in the a** more than once and as a result I am very guarded as to whom is allowed inside the circle of trust. And those that have been removed from my circle, well, they know. I can be quite cut-throat and cold. I do not like games, I do not like being toyed with and most importantly, I hate being lied to. Lying by omission is the largest offense and one that is hard to forgive. I give people one chance in this area, one chance to earn the trust back, but it will always be hard for me.

I regret many choices and decisions in my life, many of which the foreseeable consquences didn't seem so harsh. Due to certain choices I am stuck in a slow progression of poverty that will take time to escape. I have many abilities to get out and am working on many routes out, however, it is all on my shoulders, the rearing of my child is a lonely and long road, one I cherrish, but one where I wish I had made better choices during better/easier times. I cannot go back, I can only go forward and I can only hope to do better. You can never know what the future will bring you and hindsight is 20/20 which is why I try to enjoy the little things.

The little things where the sky is pure, the air is fresh, the sun shines, the smile of my daughter, the beautiful love of a partner all of which only last for a short time and that will leave you with just a memory. I store those memories and focus on them during hard times, I can look back at the past and review where I have come from. I can view it negatively or positively it's all a state of mind. I'm a ridiculous optimist. This is something that I cannot help. However, instead of having that hope for others, I hold it only for myself. You cannot hope that others have your best interests in mind or rather if they do that the decisions, actions and choices that they make line up with what is truly in your best interest.

I have nearly died 3 times in my life, death will not have me, sorry, my will is too strong. However, in one instance, I knew I was going to die, they did not have the medication and had to have it sped over to the clinic and were close to opening up my body to help me breathe, it was terrifying and at the same time life altering. It didn't affect me as much until it happened a few more times where I stopped being scared. Having close brushes with death a few times makes you less scared of it, at least for me it did.

I realized what was important to me and what I wanted to do. I wanted to leave a profound legacy behind and ensure that my daughter knew me and was taken care of by what I could leave for her. The role of a parent always instills in you of wanting to provide a good life for your child, to give them something better, not necessarily financially, but even a loving home, care, things that you grew up and didn't have. I will do those things and I am working on creating them all for her, it is a slow but steady process, but without regret I wouldn't have them. Without being put in terrible situations by choices that I thought were good for me but nearly ended up killing me, I know what I want.

It's been awhile since I've had a brush with death and I'd like to keep it that way. I have learned greatly from it and the biggest thing I have learned is my voice. I used to speak my mind, be myself, and go for the things I wanted. I stopped that when I became married. My ex...destroyed a big part of my sensibilities of who I was. I lost myself. I was scared and scarred from him. I will always be affected by that marriage that I had and I hope to be free from it, but at the same time I don't. I'm affected by that regret. I have learned so much from my life with him. I regret many things that I did, many choices, many failures, many loves, nearly all of it.

I sometimes wonder if I made the right decision to leave my daughter's father and then he opens his mouth and I'm reminded of why I left. I deserve to be a person and to follow my dreams and to not have them controlled. I would never have learned that without the experience. My life is much harder based on the decisions I made earlier in my life as a youth, but so what? My daughter deserves to have an example of what a strong woman is and at the same time to learn what a woman deserves. How she deserves to be treated and what a partner should be. I am her mother and I must teach her this. That lesson right there is why I left. I didn't leave because I deserved better, I knew that I did, but I left because my daughter needs to know this lesson. Staying with her father just to keep the family together would teach her terrible things. It would have taught her so many terrible things that I did not want her to go in search of a partner that would do that to her.

I'm fearful that she will have more problems because of who her father is, however, there's nothing that I can do about it. I encourage him to be in her life, when he has it together, and to just be there for her when she cries because she misses her Dad. I do nearly everything in my power to keep their relationship solid, but there's nothing that I can really do about it, it's between them two.

Freedom does not come without consequences or without a fight. You might fight every day, the battles can get easier over time, but the first big ones, the ones with your mind, can tear you apart. It is not a battle of will, but a battle of the mind. The death of a friendship, of a love, of a future, of your dreams, they are gone. They are shattered. They don't exist, they never did, and they never would. Acceptance can bring healing to regret, but regrets stay and last. Yes, I became apathetic about many choices, it's easier to be jaded, but freedom brings strength.

Every regret has provided me with a lesson learned, a wisdom, a quiet freedom for my future. I have a future because of my past. I am present in enjoying my life because I lost myself for too long. My daughter is growing up right before my eyes, so I quit my second job so that I could be with her more. Yes, money is even tighter now, but I've lost too much time that I cannot make up. I've learned to be frugal as a result. So many lessons learned from regret, that just being one of them. I hated my parents for working long hours and not being present and in the moment with me in my childhood and continued to resent them for a long time. Part of me still does, it is a deep rooted pain, I do not want this for my daughter.

I want her to know that nothing in life is free and that you have to work for it if you want something. However, I also want her to know that no matter what she has her mother and mommy will always be there for her, no matter what. Now that confidence she deserves. I never had it, she deserves that much from me. I brought her into this world and the regrets my parents have of my childhood and the things that I hated that were done, well, I have the power to provide better.

Regret has provided me a path of change. A path of strength. She changed my life forever and for that, I will always be grateful. Thank you for saving my life, E.

Note: I do not own this photo, it came from the site of postsecret.com and downloaded on 12/12/2011.

Music Monday

2011-12-12T09:33:00.000-08:00

"You sure you want to be with me"

Intellectual Conversation

2011-12-08T17:44:00.000-08:00

...is something I miss more than anything these days. Being able to spurt out facts is one thing, it's another thing to be able to take facts from seemingly opposite spectrum and be able to tie them together. There have been very few people in my life that I have come across that have been able to do just that. I must say, intellectual conversation is lacking amongst most people.

You would think that people 'heavily' involved in the Occupy Movement would know something about economics, social policy, politics, government, something of how it all got screwed up, I mean for crying out loud, even marble cakes of our government (that very basic concept that heavily affects how and why we do the things that we do as a government). It just baffles me.

I am most assuredly would classify myself as being sapiosexual and therefore, where are you intellectual people!?! This is very much a simple rant at the world, but it bothers me how few amazing intellectual people there are. I know plenty of people that went to Ivy Leagues that I would in a heart beat never consider intelligent, etc. That's besides the point.

The point in this rant is very basic, I miss being able to have intellectual debates, conversations, about socioeconomic policy and at the same time be open. Is that too much to ask? And if not, where are these people?

I am ridiculously bored at work after a very long shift, I hope you can understand my need for a rant.

President Speech

2011-12-08T11:45:00.000-08:00

Thoughts

2011-12-07T06:07:00.000-08:00

I woke up with this notion from a dream today "it's always disheartening when you realize that you'd rather be alone than spend another moment with someone that just doesn't get you" and that was all. I know I'll be pondering it's meaning and what I wish to do with that thought for a good long while.

Music Monday

2011-12-05T04:00:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Robert

2011-12-02T08:35:00.000-08:00

I will always cherish your life and the time we have spent together. You are an inspiration and I will continue to miss you dearly.

"I don't want to laugh, unless it is the laugh of the soul. I don't want to cry unless it is the tear of the heart. I don't want to breathe unless it is the breath that is devoted to upholding this very declaration. And, I really don't want to make some sort of witty joke at the end of this sentence to conclude the email, because that would be one more brick contributing to my walls, my walls of shame. I chose to try to let go of this shame. This shame of being serious, this shame of being exactly where I'm at. It seems so silly that humans sometimes believe they must be anywhere but exactly where they most naturally are. How silly." --Rob, 1/05

Rapture of the Earth

2011-12-01T04:00:00.000-08:00

Love is not the scene I enter

But the scene I render

I fall into that I cannot see

The void that envelops all of me

I kick and scream and trip

into the sand that consumes me whole

The more I struggle the more I

become a member of its mouth

I fight and I chant for

the help that will never come

Do I stop and allow myself to fall?

To fall into the earth?

I am a free spirit

that will not go down without a fight

But is it best to fight the mouth

that will bring me to another land?

A land of freedom with the hands

that grab around me

I do not know if I should fall

into this landscape

It is so far from what I know

So far from my own journey

But do I continue on the path

that is planned?

Or do I go into the earth

To plant a new beginning?

Wordless Wednesday (Somewhat wordless)

2011-11-30T09:57:00.000-08:00

Image Came from SNOTM

GAD ... we meet again

2011-11-29T15:12:00.001-08:00

GAD is Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I've suffered from it ... my goodness, I cannot imagine my life without having it. I've had anxiety attacks brought on by a variety of issues. It just takes over your life. Currently, if you cannot tell on my blog, I'm fairly upset. The truth that came out shattered a long belief system that I have with friends and family, somewhere that honesty and loyalty go hand in hand. If someone has your back they are their for you.

Irregardless of what went down I was able to talk to the two people involved and become okay with them when I spoke with them. The problem with GAD is that I cannot just let it go. I cannot stop the feelings being brought up over and over and over again. They've each asked of me to talk to them as soon as I am upset with them and not let it 'fester'. However, with GAD they just don't get it. The feelings are not festering, they're actually calming down.

If I can allow myself to feel the emotions wholeheartedly I can get over the pain, issues, thoughts, all-consuming anxiety that much faster. I have to deal with the anxiety attacks, the sleepless nights, the stomach knots. If I share it with them, they'll just freak out, trust me, I know. J, who's been a friend of mine going on my goodness, I don't know, maybe 12 years, suffers from the condition as well. We can just look at one another and 'know' what's going on without having to say anything. We get it. I have been able to handle GAD by focusing on mind over matter, but generally that isn't enough with this disorder.

A foundation that you can believe, rely on, that is always true can help your mind focus on reality. Honesty, integrity, following what you say that you would a) do or b) state that you would NEVER do, is something I count on. For me, mine was just shattered, so I'm having to relearn a way to deal with my GAD. I'm having a hard time with my anxiety and it's pulling knots in my stomach all over the place, I can't sleep, I'm having a hard time focusing on my work. I'm sure I'll be able to get it under control soon, it's just hard when the person you would rely on helping with this problem is the one that kept the truth from you. Basically, life just sucks.

When it comes to my emotions, I'm having a hard time determining which ones are from GAD and which ones are connected to what I'm actually feeling. I'm going with the emotions that I felt when I first spoke with these people, I know my silence must be hard on them, but I wish they could understand that I need to deal with this pain. I'm not allowing it to fester, I'm trying to get my anxiety to go away. I don't want it to develop into full blown panic attacks, thus far I've been able to avoid that. Unless you have had severe anxiety problems you just don't understand.

The other aspect in this week is that emotionally I'm already going to be upset and be on my nerves. Friday would have been the birthday of my daughter's God Father, he would have been 25. The 3 year anniversary of his death is on Sunday, along with the 2 year anniversary of my Grandfather, someone who was 'Dad' to everyone, including myself. Whenever I had problems like what I'm having this week I could call either of them and they'd set me right so-to-speak. I miss them. And I'm partially reminded that they are not here when I could use their advice the most.

Emily's God Father helped to convince me to leave my ex-husband and my Grandfather instilled me with the dignity that a young mother deserves to have and feel. Meaning, that when I had my daughter, he did not look down on me for being a young mom, he only said "remember your name" something ridiculously important in our family. What that saying means is remember where you have come from. We are a proud family and my daughter is named after his mother(middle name) and her mother (first name). Who you are defines you, especially where you come from. I know I need to focus on those memories I have of them and do my best to move on from my hurt feelings. This isn't going to be easy and I have to remember that they are human too, they made a mistake and hopefully they won't 'hide' information from me again. I'm doing my best to deal with my anxiety.

For me the reason why truth is so important is because of my problems with GAD. If I have the whole truth I can deal with any painful feelings rather quickly, accept them and move the fk on, but if I find out WAY after the fact it can hinder my ability to cope with those emotions. I'm a lot better than I used to be, once I knew what it was, that I was just anxious instead of not knowing, it's so much easier on the mind. I'm going to go on a quiet walk and take it easy. I'm going to treat them as if we had made up as if I wasn't anxious, because I don't know how else to get over those feelings, I just need to deal with them.

I hope I'm not making it hard on them by acting like this, I just cannot help it. I definitely feel wronged and am upset, I just hope they get why and where the pain is coming from. The truth isn't what hurt the most, it's that they tried to cover it up by not talking to me about it, and that's just plain bullsh**. I shouldn't have to ask them if it happened, or have the burden be put on me, they should have just talked to me. More importantly my best friend should have. At least she finally did, even if it was 2 months after the fact. Not sure exactly how I feel about the fact that the other person doesn't think that he ever should have told me. That's it's own issue that I'll deal with after the GAD starts to go away.

Inspiration 035

2011-11-28T23:03:00.000-08:00

“Treat others as you want them to treat you because what goes around comes around”

It's been a tough few days. I've been sick to my stomach over it all. My best friend D said a few very powerful statements to me that have meant a lot and I wish to share them.

"Yeah, they might not be worth the effort, but you are. It's ok to want to scream at people who fuck you over because you're worth it and you were treated worse than what you deserve. You deserve to have someone stick up for you."

It doesn't matter that it wasn't my place to control what others did. My heart doesn't care. I've made myself sick over this, can barely eat, I'm starting to again, but it's hard. I deserve to be respected. If you know something will hurt me or will be painful, you should be there, hold my hand and be honest.

All you have to ask yourself is "would I want this to happen to me?" Whatever it is, and if not, then tell that person that you know would be hurt by the news. You just grow some hairy f***ing a** balls, man up and say what you need to say. And always in a timely manner.

Another Music Monday

2011-11-28T12:00:00.001-08:00

I'm doing more songs because I can...

This is just a cute song for a break up, cuz sometimes you need something with a upbeat song when you have the memories of wanting to strangle someone ;)

Honesty

2011-11-28T09:20:00.000-08:00

There's this thing about honesty, it's black and white and isn't subjective. You're either honest or you aren't, there's no middle ground. There may be things in your checkered past that are hard to talk about, hard to bring up, but at the end of the day, if you say that you are going to be honest with someone, then you need to suck it up and talk to them about it.

Now, there is a tact about how you go about it and I know that I can fail at times, but it's better late than never. I found out some information about two people that I love dearly and they should have told me months ago, but they didn't. I trust my friends and family wholeheartedly and it is hard when you realize that they are just as imperfect as you are.

I'm uncertain as to what I want to do or how I want to react over honest information that was provided to me. I would have a less emotional response had they told me from the beginning, but they didn't and I found out under the worst of circumstances; out on a girls' night after having a few drinks. Honesty can come out at the worst of times. And there is no 'right' time to tell someone hurtful news, but it's better to tell them sooner rather than later. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm glad I found out the news, but still, it hurts.

From what I've learned in life, the truth always comes out. People do not keep their mouths shut, especially if they love you, care for you, and want the best for you. The guilt will always bring out the truth. So I'm not going to lie, I am hurt, the truth hurts. That's a simple truth.

I'd rather be hurt than living a lie, I cannot stand white lies, people think that they are okay, but they are not. The worst type of lies for me are the unspoken ones. If I ask you to be honest with me then be honest. Don't hide behind technicalities and think that I'll never find out, I always find out the truth, even if it is eventually. And if that happens, how do you expect me to trust you? Or to be able to even be your friend, let alone anything more?

"Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. Listen to it carefully."
~Richard Bach

Music Monday

2011-11-27T09:22:00.000-08:00

I love the first 30 seconds of this song:

Done

2011-11-22T04:00:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm losing
I'm losing hope
Hope in You

In your lies
In what you said
What we could be

Move to do with
the process of love
but you wanted

You...

wasted it all
all in front of me
and you called

You called it all a mess

But now you want
You want more
And I'm done

I'm done with wondering
How we should have been
Should have tried

Hide there and wait
The more we waste
The more we wasted away

So away again

You...

Wasted it all
All in front of me
And you Called

You called it a mess

But now you want
You want me
And I'm done

I'm done wondering

Happiness

2011-11-21T13:59:00.000-08:00

In my opinion, happiness, is highly subjective and truly dependent upon your own personal state of mind. There can be a whole ton of sh** flying around about to hit the fan ;), but if you can be present with yourself, your situation, and your life, you can be happy.

I have worked nearly my whole life to be happy by avoiding those things that are hurtful, make me cry, or bother me. Well, if you know me, I'm fairly OCD, have anxiety, take on WAY too much, that usually spells for disaster with that definition of happiness.

I'm learning to enjoy what I have now and to live a little. With my disease, it's taken so much from me. So much that unless you've been there, you just cannot understand. My best friend J developed lupus from a drug that she took, she's much better now, but she finally understood what it's like to deal with pain, where you can barely get out of bed, your stomach churns, kills, and yet you still need to stuck it up and go to work and put on a happy face and fake it for the means. I've been able to manage my disease better this past year than any previous year, but it's still hard.

It's still hard to not be able to do a lot of things that I could have done less than a decade ago. I'm fairly young and yes, technically, I have my whole life ahead of me, but there's something about living now and enjoying what I have now that makes life worth living. For example, I cannot define what I have with Mr. B, but really who cares? Why define something if it makes you happy?

My best friends make me happy and provide a wonderful extended family that is always there for me, always there to hold my hand, help me out, be my shoulder to cry on and never set me aside because I did something that hurt them, but to tell me and to talk to me about it and make it work. Relationships take work, especially those with best friends ;). Sometimes there is an overwhelming need to strangle a best friend that you feel has crossed you, but they may not have realized what they had done.

I'm happy and I've got some real issues that I have to deal with in regards to how to take care of and raise E on my own. But, then I always remember my extended familial network and I'm reminded that I'm not alone. I don't have to be alone if I don't want to be and that makes it all the better. I have a choice as to how I choose to live my life and those that I choose to keep around me. Yes, decisions and choices have consequences, this is a true reality, but I can still make my life better and be happy in the process.

Music Monday

2011-11-21T04:00:00.000-08:00

It's funny how music you were listening to as a kid, that when you listen to it again as an adult, you finally 'hear' another meaning in the song and get that much more out of it. The song below definitely fits that description.

Life, Love, Motherhood

2011-11-16T08:36:00.000-08:00

Last night, I had a near 2 hour long conversation with E's father. We had a few things to discuss about the holidays and at first it started out pretty heated and I felt quite attacked. I didn't understand why there was so much emotion behind plans that were discussed weeks prior. After discussing some issues we were able to get down to it.

He misses his daughter.

It's been nearly 2 months since he's seen her and spent any time with her. I went a week without her and it tears at your insides, to have a part of you, outside of your body, no longer there. Nothing heals that pain. You can confuse and distract yourself, but that pain never goes away. We do our best to make sacrifices for our offspring and nothing is worse than being away.

I am away in my own regard because I must work, I go to school, and I attempt to have a social life. If I didn't attempt friendship with others or even dating, I would start to resent her. How could I resent her? How could I want to be away from her? It is a need to cherish and to remember how important she is to me. It is in being away from her that I realize how my life is nothing without her in it.

Even in taking care of her every day, I feel like I'm missing so much. I do so much in order to provide for her that I feel that I miss her growing up. I do my best to slow down and to take it easy, and I'm much better than I used to be, I definitely don't worry as much as I used to. It's just...so very hard to explain unless you've experienced it yourself. I sacrifice my time and work as much as I do so that there is a very slight financial/time burden placed on her father so that he can finish his education. He sacrifices his time away from her in order to, hopefully, provide a better life for her down the road.

I must sacrifice my time, energy, love, tears, everything in order to provide a good life for her. She doesn't deserve a simple life, but a life that creates a great framework for her. What I mean is that she needs a good foundation, one built on love and consistency so that she can grow into a beautiful young woman that can make sound choices.

I have my own views and as I'm sure he does of me in regards to how we feel about one another, yes we are divorced and it is difficult, but we do our best to make sure we provide the best for our daughter. We may not agree with one another's decisions but when it comes to how she is raised we both do our best to work it out together. It's just incredibly frustrating to have both parents in pain over barely being able to raise your child. We are no longer together and will never be together again, but it's still taxing on us.

I know other parents that do not talk or at least barely do with one another about their child, and I don't get it. I mean, I do, I wish it would be best for us to fight constantly, hate one another, and just bring up the past over and over again. However, that isn't the case at all. What's best for our daughter is that we both put aside our own hurt feelings and raise our child. It is incredibly painful to work together and to look into your child's eyes with her desire for more, to hear your ex spouse crying on the other end as you're trying to make the best decision for your kid. Working together is hard, putting aside the pain of the past is hard, and hearing the pain of each parent is hard.

Nothing about being a parent is easy.

I have the responsibility of shaping, growing, and providing for another human being. That is terrifying in and of itself. It's just hard to emotionally understand that the other parent is suffering and sacrificing too. He and I have our own issues, some quite painful ones, and it's hard when we don't get the chance to talk things out and work on our issues as a family. Even if he and I are divorced (it's been over a year now), we still are a family. We have a daughter together that wants to share holidays, events, birthdays, etc. She wants to be able to look out into the crowd and see her mom and dad. Who am I to deny that from her?

Music Monday

2011-11-14T04:00:00.000-08:00

Just too fitting :)

I wouldn't test you
I'm not the best you could have attained
Why try anything?
I will get there
Just remember I know

Christmas 2011 -- Birth of a New Tradition

2011-11-12T04:00:00.000-08:00

As the holidays approach, the giant Asian factories are kicking into high gear to provide Americans with monstrous piles of cheaply produced goods -- merchandise that has been produced at the expense of American labor. This year will be different. This year Americans will give the gift of genuine concern for other Americans. There is no longer an excuse that, at gift giving time, nothing can be found that is produced by American hands. Yes there is!

It's time to think outside the box, people. Who says a gift needs to fit in a shirt box, wrapped in Chinese produced wrapping paper?

Everyone -- yes EVERYONE gets their hair cut. How about gift certificates from your local American hair salon or barber?

Gym membership? It's appropriate for all ages who are thinking about some health improvement.

Who wouldn't appreciate getting their car detailed? Small, American owned detail shops and car washes would love to sell you a gift certificate or a book of gift certificates.

Are you one of those extravagant givers who think nothing of plonking down the Benjamines on a Chinese made flat-screen? Perhaps that grateful gift receiver would like his driveway sealed, or lawn mowed for the summer, or driveway plowed all winter, or games at the local golf course.

There are a bazillion owner-run restaurants -- all offering gift certificates. And, if your intended isn't the fancy eatery sort, what about a half dozen breakfasts at the local breakfast joint. Remember, folks this isn't about big National chains -- this is about supporting your home town Americans with their financial lives on the line to keep their doors open.

How many people couldn't use an oil change for their car, truck or motorcycle, done at a shop run by the American working guy?

Thinking about a heartfelt gift for mom? Mom would LOVE the services of a local cleaning lady for a day.

My computer could use a tune-up, and I KNOW I can find some young guy who is struggling to get his repair business up and running.

OK, you were looking for something more personal. Local crafts people spin their own wool and knit them into scarves. They make jewelry, and pottery and beautiful wooden boxes.

Plan your holiday outings at local, owner operated restaurants and leave your server a nice tip. And, how about going out to see a play or ballet at your hometown theatre.

Musicians need love too, so find a venue showcasing local bands.

Honestly, people, do you REALLY need to buy another ten thousand Chinese lights for the house? When you buy a five dollar string of light, about fifty cents stays in the community. If you have those kinds of bucks to burn, leave the mailman, trash guy or babysitter a nice BIG tip.

You see, Christmas is no longer about draining American pockets so that China can build another glittering city. Christmas is now about caring about US, encouraging American small businesses to keep plugging away to follow their dreams. And, when we care about other Americans, we care about our communities, and the benefits come back to us in ways we couldn't imagine.

THIS is the new American Christmas tradition.

This was sent to me as one of those mass mailers, but it got to me and I was really grateful that I got it so I thought that I would share.

I get worried a lot...

2011-11-11T10:22:00.000-08:00

And by a lot...I mean all of the time. It's hard to deal with and having anxiety all of the time can really put a damper on your life even your health. I've been moving away more and more from what makes me anxious and getting in touch with who I am and what I want in life. I have realized that have a family is the up-most important things in my life. It is truly life changing.

I have always been independent and wanting 'my own' life and fulfilling 'my own' dreams. However, that doesn't make me happy. Yes, pursuing my goals and dreams does make me happy, but it also isn't satisfying. It isn't as satisfying as pursuing a goal with people, to have someone/people to share in that happiness and goal achievement.

This is why I can understand the Occupy Movements that are going on. In general people are fed up with the BS that goes on, but at the same time, there's something about working with your neighbors, working with the community to make our lives better. We may all disagree in regards to the best method for making it happen, but you must also agree that creating a common discourse to help bring ideas and change for our communities is a good thing.

A family can be changed into a definition of a large group of people that are willing to work together for a common goal. We all come from the same origin and in that regard we are all one large dysfunctional family. If we stop treating each other like random people and start to treat one another like family our society would be better off. In America we value ourselves by GDP (Gross Domestic Product) wouldn't it be better if we valued ourselves based off of GDH (Gross Domestic Happiness)? Why is it that we view our livelihood so little for our country?

I live in a country where we value ourselves for Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. So, in our lives now, why is it that we pursue the right to money, wealth and power, especially when we know that none of them will bring us happiness? I have never been happier than when I was dirt poor and waiting in the welfare line for benefits so that I could feed my daughter. Yes it was shaming and unbearable, however, it was life altering and anything life altering is difficult on the nerves.

I never thought I would lose my job nor that I wouldn't be able to feed myself let alone my daughter. It was a ridiculously humbling experience. Our communities need our support in more ways than just financial assistance through taxation and laws. What we need is for people to turn off their televisions and go outside to talk with one another. When the blackouts occurred in San Diego many weeks ago, it was the most fun that I've had with my family in a long time. Is it so hard for us to be 'neighborly' that we MUST stay indoors and wallow in our own self pity?

I am challenging myself to live a more simplistic lifestyle but to also envision a better future. I want to work with people to make change and to give America back it's backbone. We gave it away to interest rates and debts, it's high time we paid off those debts and got ourselves back on track. We have become addicted to this thing of world debt and have sold our souls to other countries. We need a plan to pay off our debts and a plan to work as an isolationist country. These are strong words and these are my own thoughts. I am up for a discussion as to what we can do better, but I am done with being worried and I do hope that we can pull ourselves out of the damage that we have done to ourselves.

Inspiration 034

2011-11-09T04:00:00.000-08:00

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
~Maya Angelou

United States Pipeline 101

2011-11-08T04:00:00.000-08:00

Apparently my professor at school used to own an oil company that he created and then later sold. In learning about different modes of transportation for a logistics lecture, he went into the minute details of how the pipeline works. I made a realization that as a result the Keystone XL Pipeline will not stop the dirty tar sands oil from getting into the US. Nor will building the Keystone XL Pipeline help the US with it's oil needs. The pipeline will aid the congestion that the already complicated Pipeline system faces every day to meet consumer demand. The pipeline is necessary to relax the congestion by offering oil from a refinery and then providing it to those oil companies that purchase the oil.

Now, how the pipeline (the entire connected system) is that oil is purchased from a refinery. There are different levels of refined oil. First you obtain the gaseous forms that gets initially pumped into the pipeline (natural gas for instance), then you have aviation fuel, then the different octane levels of vehicle gas then diesel and then on down to the crude oil that you pump into the oceanic vehicles. Hence the need for the Keystone XL Pipeline to get down to the Gulf of Mexico to service those vessels.

All of these forms of refined oil are pumped into the pipeline when they are finished being produced at the refinery in the order previously listed. The product is pushed into the pipeline in those orders to go on down to the customers awaiting along the pipeline to have the product sent to their holding tanks. The people that manage the pipeline by monitoring the product moving through it very closely with highly specialized readings to calculate where the product is in the pipeline along with which form of product is starting to mix slightly with the slightly lower grade product. When all of these calculations are determined and then when the product meets a location to where it needs to be for it's customers they turn the cranks and divert the product to the holding tanks/trucks that are awaiting the deposit. Where the mixture of the two is calculated to be in the pipeline they then allow that mixture to become part of the lower grade product. In laments terms, some of the 'better' product that is mixing with the 'lower quality' product it then becomes part of the lower quality product that way the 'better' product when it gets to it's customer, will maintain that high quality standard.

The pipeline is ever moving and ever vast throughout the US. Most of the pipeline is exposed and above ground for easy review and inspection along with the ability to easily build it (as compared to putting it underground). Now the pipeline is heavily congested in that there are so many customers. Just think, have you ever taken notice to look at how many gas stations there are just in a 20 block radius around where you live? Just think about it, you have the ability to go down to your local gas station any day of the week and obtain gas. I am too young to even make the comment, "do you happen to remember the Oil Embargo of the 1970s where you had to wait for when it was your turn to fill up at the gas station?" You can hop on a plane to go anywhere in the world, obtain a banana at a local grocery store, use public transportation, etc. All of our systems are interconnected and rely on the pipeline that is interconnected all around us. Our lives would not function without it. Period.

Some of the main reasons for the Keystone XL pipeline is to alleviate this congestion along with taking another oil source (now, yes, a terrible choice of oil coming from the tar sands in Canada) but still an oil source nonetheless to fill our addiction to oil. Everyone is a member of this system and it takes some very severe attempts at changing your life to say that you are not apart of it. However, we are all intrinsically apart of it by the very fact that our US military 'protects' us with the main support source being oil. Even the US military has commented that the only way to be safe from terrorism is to get ourselves off of oil due to our overall dependence on it*.

Now a side comment on the pipeline. All customers that purchase refined oil product that comes out of the pipeline from a refinery is the same, period. The gas that you purchase from the gas station down the street to the gas station next to your beloved's residence, is EXACTLY the same. The gas stations could be of different organizations, however, there is not a single difference. All of the gas must meet the exact same specifications that the refinery provides to the pipeline BEFORE the product is ever pumped into the pipeline. Then the gas stations purchase the oil, then placed in holding tanks, and then again off to the various gas stations located throughout. The Holding Tank A is Company A while Holding Tank B is for Company B. They are shipped and the two gas stations are right next to each other on a street corner, which one will you choose?^

* The reports came out many years ago, I'll have to locate the source.

^ The corporations determine their own pricing based on their own set up, however, the different corporations create a fair market through competition. They each pay the refinery separately, so there are different prices that are truly unique. However, the end product is still exactly the same.

Note: If you would like this article with proper citations and references please contact me by leaving a comment and I can provide you with a PDF'd copy with full citations.

Music Monday

2011-11-07T08:58:00.000-08:00

This weekend was a tad surreal. I had a multitude of emotions both of which can be explained by the music below.

Ich bin alein

2011-11-02T04:00:00.000-07:00

I am not a guarantee
I am not a possession
I don't 'stick around'

You must call me.

So call unto me
And If I poke my head up
I will be yours.

But, you must call on me.
Call unto me
and I will be yours.

I am not a trinket
I am not a toy
Nor a memory that defined you.

I don't need this.
I do not want a past
description of where I was.

The land that you once knew
has caverns and lakes
where once there was a waste land

Do not look at me and think of the past
do not ask for that girl
She died.

You must call on me

For who I am now
And If I turn my head
I may call on you.

I have yet to turn my head.
If you keep focusing on the past
I will never turn into you.

Take time

I do not want to be called now
But if you never call unto me
Do not be upset I continue down my solitary path.

Music Monday

2011-10-31T04:00:00.000-07:00

I have an absolute obsession with music.

Memories

2011-10-28T09:52:00.000-07:00

Inspiration 033

2011-10-27T08:58:00.000-07:00

"never consider someone a priority if they consider you an option..."

The quote is self-explanatory and is advice that I received many, many years ago. I must do my best to remember what it means and to carry myself accordingly.

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

2011-10-26T09:14:00.000-07:00

E informed me this morning that I did not have to come and give her a kiss goodbye at school today. She pulled away and said no more goodbye kisses and that she was a "big girl" and big kids don't do that anymore. I must say that it is difficult watching her grow up and knowing that the cord has to be cut.

If you're ever with me and E you'd know that I allow her to fall, get her cuts and bruises. I dislike having to hold back my protective instincts, but I know that I must allow her to understand her limitations and to develop them on her own if she is to be a strong, independent person. It is frustrating but an important step, however, I never realized it would be a huge step for me as well.

Allowing her to develop her own interests, to support her, to hold back on my own dreams for her to see her own dreams...it is incredibly humbling. I will push certain 'dreams' on her in that I feel they will provide her with a good groundwork for her to rely on later in life. For example, she will know how to cook her own food, grow her food, (someday) learn to kill her meat (like chickens for example), along with learning another language. I speak German and so does my extended family. Learning another language opens up another culture and knowing how to take care of your most basic needs, essential for just basic survival.

It is in teaching her these necessary skills that I also get to learn about who she is as a person. She has her own mind and her own abilities, and she's only 5. I understand so much more now about why my father cried the day I was dropped off at college years ago. It's the final cutting of the cord, the realization that everything you hoped for, that you taught, that you gave, you no longer have the time. I don't want to regret not spending the time with my daughter and regret what it means to be a parent, I want to be there. This mommy guilt pulls at my heart, and I hate working long hours and going to school, there's a no win situation, and I hope she will understand the sacrifices that I am making to provide for her. I take time to stop what I'm doing to spend time with her. If the laundry needs folding, well we either do it together, or the evil Step Mother Witch will get us!

On my mind...

2011-10-25T10:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes people have an affect on you to a point where you cannot forget them, no matter how hard you try, even if someone else comes along. It is taking some time to accept that things are over, definitely not easy.

Music Monday

2011-10-24T04:00:00.000-07:00

Weekend Thoughts

2011-10-21T09:56:00.000-07:00

It's been a tough week to say the least, but I've been able to stand my ground in respecting myself. I'm not exactly certain as to where I'm going but I know what I want. This weekend I will create my game plan. Have a wonderful weekend and take it easy.

Time for a change

2011-10-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

I'm about to take on a venture that I didn't think I would have to do for at least a year or so, but the events of the previous evening happens to be the catalyst that I needed. Its time for me to leave my job and to leave my living situation so that E can have a more stable home-life. I know how much it will cost and I know the tough decisions that I need to make. So unless things change, it's time for me to step out on my own and be with E. I'm okay with that. It's just that I didn't have to make this decision for awhile because my BFF C would invite me over to her home with her son. We relied on each other, but now she has a live-in boyfriend, he's a great guy, it's just I knew this would happen when he moved in, that her and mine relationship/friendship would change.

My daughter does not need to see M as an alcoholic. I was shielded from my grandparents that were alcoholics and I appreciate my parents for doing that. I never knew them in that way and they changed in order to have a relationship with us kids. They changed for us. I hope M will do the same for E. E deserves to be shielded.

I know what this decision will do to my stress level, but I've been through worse and I've survived. I've been down on welfare to survive and I got out of that, slowly but surely, it isn't easy, it never is, but I got to get away from the bad influence and the bad behavior. I put up with it enough and was away from it for a few years, left when I was 18 and swore I'd never come back and put up with the BULLSH** again. Alchololics always have the excuse that they don't remember what they said/did, sorry, doesn't matter, I'll never forget. I forgive you, M, for what you have done and continue to do, but I don't need you in my life. We'll see if I keep up appearances for family events, not sure if I can even do that right now.

M, get it together already

2011-10-18T08:48:00.000-07:00

There's a problem when you cannot go a night without a drink. There's a problem when the only fun you have is when you drink. And there's a problem when you are only honest when you drink. M, last night, was just drinking way too much. I wish she wouldn't. I barely remember her from before the drinking. I wish she were capable of stopping.

When she drinks it's difficult to stay present, the past gets brought up again and all I want to do is to push her away, push everyone that lets her act like that, that supports her drinking. All I have to do is look in the mirror, I'm no better. I'm just done living like this pretending that what she is doing is okay, that I want my daughter around her. I'm done with her and it will be one of the most difficult things I do. I'm not going to immediately push her out, but I can at least choose not to be around her when she drinks (which is always, her choice).

I love you M, but I can't do this anymore. My daughter deserves to know you when you're sober, I deserve to know you when you're sober. My sober memories of you are faint and are from when I was E's age. I just can't do it anymore. I'm done blaming the alcohol, I'm done giving you excuses, I'm done covering for you, and it has nothing to do with me or E deserving more, you deserve better.

The part of me that gives you an excuse wants you to understand what your drinking does to us, but then I remember your own childhood. You know what you're doing to us because it was done to you. I'm sorry for your past, but you're an adult and I looked up to you since birth, but I'm done now. Get it together and maybe I'll be around sometime in the future.

Life and Death

2011-10-17T09:13:00.000-07:00

Too many people have lost their lives

To an unknown force

Pushing us to our own brink

And yet we have 'free will'

Why do we not take advantage of it?

Why must we push ourselves away?

The force that pushes us alone is ourselves

So why do we allow another to dictate our lives?

Music Monday

2011-10-17T08:20:00.000-07:00

Just a random collection of songs today. A lot has happened and nothing has happened at the same time this weekend.

Inspiration 032

2011-10-14T09:27:00.001-07:00

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."
~ Leo Tolstoy

These movements and ideas of the 99 percent have brought up many thoughts for me as of late. It is time for us to think of our part in this grand scheme of things. What can I do? What can I change or create so as to cause a greater good for us all? There are many people that need help and need support, so what can I do? I have offered my time, belongings and overall reduction in use of resources, but is that enough? I don't think so. One of the main notions that I learned from the Adapting In Place class offered by Sharon Astyk is that in order to really cause change, we must develop community.

Community will be our way of getting ourselves out of this mess. Yes, we need to work on things at home, but we also need to see how our society functions. I feel that a lot of our problems have to do with our own lives being separate from society. When the blackouts occurred in Southern California we finally saw our neighbors come outside. We all stopped and spoke to one another, relaxed, cracked jokes, and actually got to see the stars. It was wonderful. Rarely in our current culture, do people take the time to sit and discuss their issues with their representatives, rarely do people take the time to discuss the problems of our society and what they want out of it.

I want to start working on community here in my town, yet I'm not certain where to start. Currently, I will be reviewing the issues that I have with my community and work on ways of what I want fixed. I hope to discuss the issues with others in my community and work on was to 'fix' our problems. The issue though is I'm not sure who to talk to about all of this or where to start. I have a few friends with similar interests so I'm looking to start there.

My Inspiration

2011-10-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

I've been mulling over lately about the 99% protests and everything that has been going on in the country as a whole. It reminded me of a quote that I read years ago (one of which I cannot find the exact words to) but it came from No Impact Man. It was the thought that if we cannot celebrate our children's accomplishments in our attempt to save the planet then what's the point in saving it at all? I know I completely butchered the quote from what it originally was, but truly, if I cannot have a wonderful time with my daughter, what's the damn point in everything that I'm doing?

Celibacy and Mr. B

2011-10-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

Rules, rules, rules. I have a lot of them and I developed them in order to protect myself. I can follow rules, I can handle black and white issues, but when it comes to love, relationships, people, interactions, rules cannot handle the fact that those 'interactions' are gray. I am learning how to handle these issues and I'm still fairly uncertain as to how to work with people, but you could say it's a learning process.

I have one rule in particular that is difficult for me and one that I struggle with (and one that I've never been able to follow). The rule is "no sex unless in a relationship" well, even in that area, it isn't 100% true. In that, I can be in a relationship with someone and still hold onto my celibacy. My celibacy is something that I have been working with for quite some time now, I've had a few 'slip-ups' so to speak, but I've been going strong for a few months now and I'd like to continue on that path. I created 'the rule' in that I wanted to try something new. The definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" well, I felt like changing that. Plus, for Lent this year, I gave up sex and alcohol, all the while dating someone, it was like, um, by the way, I'm no longer doing this...sorry. However, it worked for him too, or at least it seemed like it did, that's a confusing mess all unto itself.

I'm in this 'thing' I s'pose with a guy I used to date, that used to be my boyfriend from years ago, and I'm just going with it, I enjoy his company and he makes me smile. I'm uncertain as to how to explain my issues to him, mostly because I am so private, even on this blog I'm sure it's difficult to know what exactly is that I'm talking about half the time. I just worry a lot and with him, I don't, it's ridiculously hard to explain but for those that get it, when you can sit quietly next to someone and there are no butterflies, no worries, just peace I guess is the way to put it, it's best not to ask questions and go with it.

Being near him again, in a very surreal way, healed me. I hadn't realized how much ache I had in my chest until I saw him and it was gone. I haven't decided what I'm wanting there or if anything other than his friendship, I am upset at myself for keeping him at bay for nearly 3 years just because our relationship ended, though a large part of that is because I ended it and I really broke his heart. I felt terrible for how it ended and when I get the feeling or rather notion of shame, it's hard for me to let that go.

I'm just unsure how to express my decision of celibacy to him or really to anyone so I thought I'd write it out here, hopefully it'll come to me. The reason I am celibate is because well, I accepted that I may be alone and not have a relationship and raise E on my own. I'm perfectly okay with that, I wasn't last year, I am this year, well at least in this moment. What I am NOT okay with is going home alone afterwards. I would love to make love again, to bond like that, but to 'bond' with someone and then for it to just be that there's nothing else there, nothing at all...that's too painful. Going home alone, to a bed, alone, that's what has been killing me. Even if I'm in a relationship with someone, it's painful and emotionally draining.

The celibacy comes from me needing to stop, to reflect and to realize that you cannot recreate the past, that you cannot force someone into a mold, that you must move forward and see the person for who they really are. I'm not a piece of tail, I'm a person and I have feelings, I know how/where I end up falling for someone and so I've designated lines to keep people at bay. But then there's the issue of gray, how can I ever move forward if I never put myself in a situation to open up my heart? How is it really changing anything? Am I just keeping people at bay so that they'll never get in? Would it have worked out if I hadn't tried this 'experiment' while dating K? I don't know. And I dislike these questions/thoughts that come to mind.

I am so confused as to what I want in this area and I don't even know how to go about doing it. I think I just need to trust my instincts and if I end my celibacy well then I do, I hold the cards in this area and I'm not getting pressured at all from any angle. And regardless if I was, I'm a strong, independent woman now, I don't put up with shit and if I don't want to do something or if I do I do it, it's like, I do what I want and deal with the consequences, that's how I work. I'm sure I'll figure it out, I just well, needed to get my thoughts out.

Where I want to be

2011-10-11T04:00:00.000-07:00

I want to sleep inside the clouds

I want to shed all that is unclean

I want to overcome adversity

I want to breathe clean fresh air

I want to stop and take notice of the world as it is right now

I want to slow down

I want to see where I am, not where I've been, not where I'm going, but what I have right now

I want to live now

Inspiration 031

2011-10-10T13:04:00.000-07:00

"This is the highest wisdom that I own; freedom and life are earned by those alone who conquer them each day anew. "

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

This saying can easily get applied to another colloquialism in my culture: "you've got this"

Funk this week

2011-10-10T10:21:00.000-07:00

I've been in a funk lately and I'm not quite sure how to get out of it. I'm spending a lot of time reading and stuck in thought on a few topics. I am questioning my past, present, and future. I'm wondering how to fit other people into those categories and even myself. All I can come up with however, is that there's no reason to be so linear. You cannot force others, let alone yourself, into a particular mold just because you want to. Your decisions, desires, thoughts, ideals, etc all change daily, yes there is the core of who you are, but you are a walking contradiction, it just is a fact. I want to reconcile the outter me with the inner me, show who I am to those around me, but I do just hold back.

I'm just so fed up with the bullsh** that people spew at the world, but then again, don't I do it too? I've accepted a life of being a provider and a loving mother I just cannot help the fact that I want more out of life. This balance that is so needed/desired is truly unachievable, you just cannot get there. You will always screw someone over, be it someone you love, care for, or even yourself. That's just life, so I better just deal with it right? Well I guess that's where the funk lives. I want to reconcile my internal conflict, but I just cannot seem to. I have been fighting with it a lot more recently and usually I am capable of letting it flow over and then out of me. However, it's just sitting with me like an anchor.

I do not have a decision in life to make, I do not have a big thing affecting me in such a way where a decision has to be made, I've mad all of my decisions, I have choices completed, all of my inner dialogue has an answer, but I have this overwhelming feeling that something isn't right, that I'm not right. I mean, yeah I've got a lot going on and I'm stressed out most of the time, but even so, I've got a handle on everything, I've got back-up plans, strategic safety precautions set up, but something is off and I cannot figure out what it is and it's got me questioning everything around me. I'm going to continue going about my life as usual, but let's just say the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up.

Music Monday

2011-10-10T08:15:00.000-07:00

Today I'm in a weird mood but craving good music. I found a CD mix and some songs stuck out, so here they are without exact rhyme or reason:

And something new:

Inspiration 030

2011-10-06T07:44:00.000-07:00

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart." - Steve Jobs

I must admit that this statement and the message that Steve Jobs leaves in his 2005 commencement speech resonates with me. I suffer from an incurable disease and have had enough life wrenches thrown at me to understand what he is attempting to get across to those soon-to-be graduates. You must follow your passion and follow your gut instincts as to what to do with your life. Only you control that driver's seat and the adventures that you will go on. I know that there are a lot of things in this world that scare me and a lot more experiences that require risks, most with unforeseen consequences but looking back at those pivotal moments in my life, I am grateful for the choices that I have made, mostly because, I have learned a lot.

I love the career path that I am going in, I make a difference and at the same time, I have had the 'wonderful' experience (provided to me more than once) of nearly dying and to realize how complex our bodies are and truly how precious life is. My mother nearly died from a coronary artery dissection that resulted her in developing many other secondary conditions, multiple trips to the hospital, weekly blood-work, lab tests, MRI's, specialists up the wazoo, she finally understood for a moment what it was like to be in my shoes when I was going through my diagnosis and what it was like to nearly lose everything, it changes who you are as a person. At the same time, you cannot lose that, you must go on and grow and take those risks.

In the movie "Finding Nemo" (which happens to be E's favorite movie as a youngster) there's a poignant scene where the father, Marlin, says to Dori about how he promised that nothing would ever happen to Nemo. Dori expresses how that concept is silly, that if nothing ever happened, then truly nothing would ever happen. You must experience life, you cannot go without something happening, that does not compute with life.

For me, I've already said my goodbyes to the world, made up my will (and update it every few years) and I will be updating my Power of Attorney in case I am ever incapacitated, etc. In the past year, I have taken risks, yeah I've been hurt, broken, but I've healed as well. I have learned so much from others and a lot from myself as well, mostly, of what I'm capable of. I never thought a year ago from now I would be where I am and I'm sure I'll say the same thing next year. I have the goals to reach for with the rest of the years that I have left, but I couldn't be happier.

Thank you Steve Jobs for being a true inspiration.

Now don't get me wrong, I want to see E grow and marry and hopefully produce more children someday, but having nearly died 3 times all during her short life-span has prepared me to say my goodbyes should they come again.

Another Music Monday

2011-10-03T08:38:00.000-07:00

I'm posting again, because I've found more music that intrigues me today :)

Music Monday

2011-10-03T04:00:00.001-07:00

This music video is a bit weird, but the song is awesome :)

Where I'm at...Just go with it

2011-09-30T08:27:00.000-07:00

I don't want to wonder
If this is a blunder
I don't want to worry whether
We're gonna stay together
'Till we die

I don't want to jump in
Unless this music's thumping
All the dishes rattle in the cupboards
When the elephants arrive

I want to love you madly
I want to love you now
I want to love you madly, way
I want to love you, love you
Love you madly

I don't want to fake it
I just want to make it
The ornaments look pretty
But they're pulling down the branches
Of the Tree

I don't want to think about it
I don't want to talk about it
When I kiss your lips
I want to sink down to the bottom
Of the sea

I want to love you madly
I want to love you now, yeah
I want to love you madly, way
I want to love you, love you
Love you madly

I don't want to hold back
I don't want to slip down
I don't want to think back to the one thing that I know I
Should have done

I don't want to doubt you
Know everything about you
I don't want to sit across the table from you
Wishing I could run

I want to love you madly
I want to love you now
I want to love you madly, way
I want to love you, love you
Love you madly

...you could say this song just sums it up, came across it again today while going through my CD collection. Right now, I'm just "going with it" no straight answer, no large questions to think about or really to decide, and really I just don't want to right now. It's weird to me to realize that I know exactly where I'm at, who I am, what I want and what I'm going to do with my time. As a result I'm just going with what the universe has to offer, aka I'm done fighting. So I'm gonna enjoy loving life, loving my friends, and having my heart just be open again. And truly the first lines in the song sum it up, and today's motto JUST GO WITH IT!

Inspiration 029

2011-09-29T11:29:00.000-07:00

“Everything that happens once can never happen again. But everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time.”

Paulo Coelho

I made a Promise...

2011-09-27T10:07:00.000-07:00

when E was born that I would always be her mother,

that I would hold her close in the eve of the night,

that I would wipe away those tears,

be her advocate,

be her savior,

be her support in her times of need,

and to protect her from all evils.

As a mother, I have learned,

to let go,

allow her to make her mistakes,

watch her grow into a beautiful person,

to have her show me what she is capable of,

to show me that she does not need saving,

that she can handle the hardships of paternal loss,

that she is by far the biggest inspiration in my life.

And so the promises that I made when you were born, I have learned to let go, so that you may learn to do them for yourself.

Music Monday

2011-09-26T04:00:00.000-07:00

"I'm fraudulent, a thief at best
A coward who paints a bullshit canvas"

"When you're sleeping with someone who doesn't get you
You're going to hate yourself in the morning"

"my momma never warned me about my own destructive appetite"

Future Seeds

2011-09-24T04:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I worry a lot....especially about the future. One thing though, that I've learned over the years, is that it when you want something in life, you have to start with seeds.... You need to plant seeds of inspiration and develop a work ethic around what you want, or you'll never get to where you want to go.

I learned this in physical therapy, you have to start really slow, you push too much too fast, you'll set yourself back a few months. It's all about increments, it may not seem like so much right now, but it's not about where you are right now, it's what you're doing that matters. You will get to where you want to go, or rather, to where you need to be. What you want and what you need don't always tend to line up, in fact they generally never do line up, which plainly put, is lame.

For me I wanted to run again at least possibly a half a mile, I'm still not there. Then I made goals along the line so that I could 'feel' the increments of where I was heading. The main goal that I wanted was to be able to hike again. I can hike a half a mile (1 mile in total since you have to hike it back ;) ). However, after coming down with a cold -> bronchitis -> I got the joy of going to Urgent Care to get a treatment of vaporized Albuterol and a shot of steroids to help me through it. Lungs are still slightly damaged from living in a polluted environment from a few years ago, c'est la vie.

So, to get back on track, right now I'm focusing on other areas of my life and am starting to plant those seeds to begin with and making some minor goals for where I want to be, no time-frame connected to it, just something to strive for so to speak. Right now, I want my Certificate done in a timely manner, that I'm working on. I want to build up my core group of people and enjoy the life that I have. I have some pretty amazing friends that have been there over the years. I tend to get caught up with the life that I lead, aka I get freaking busy, but my BFF's understand that even though I may 'disappear' for days, weeks, sometimes even years, that I'm still there. I'm glad that we can pick up where we left off without having to rehash the past, however, sometimes it's good to do so. I'm not the greatest at that, tend to just pretend nothing happened, even if it upsets me...I dunno, I'm not perfect, haha.

Inspiration 028

2011-09-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

"My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return."

~ Maya Angelou (1928)

Have you ever....

2011-09-21T11:31:00.001-07:00

Have you ever loved, knowing that it would not last?

Have you ever loved, knowing that you needed to grow?

That you weren't ready for the love around the corner because you needed to fall down the gutter a few times just to see where you needed to go?

Have you ever wondered what came next, just to look down the path that you came from?

The past cometh again and again, and why do we always go back to what was once true to us?

Why do I run to the farthest thing from who I am?

Am I too blind to see what is in front of me?

I am.

And when I meet someone that is the same as me and runs too, why must I keep running?

It is so simple to pick up that phone and call and just hear the words hello.

Have you ever put your pride aside to allow your heart to fall again?

Love and Decision Making

2011-09-21T08:55:00.000-07:00

A lot has been on my mind lately, I am getting used to this thing of loving myself. I work constantly, am a mother full-time, attempt to get an education by taking one class at a time (the only time I have available), along with building relationships with people, oh and don't forget gardening, cleaning, taking time for me? I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, many of which are extremely humbling. It's amazing to see where I've come from over the years and to what I have accomplished in just a few short years. I do wish that I had finished my degree, continued going to school when I had E, instead of taking time off, it's a lot harder now with her being older, many people said it would be easier, I wholeheartedly disagree. I do not blame her for this, but rather myself for not trusting my own instincts. That is one thing that I have learned through my divorce is to always trust your own instincts, even if it goes against logic.

There will always be people that disagree with the choices that you make in life, but truly, the only person living your life is yourself, no one else can do it for you. So I do take advice from others, but I just need to make myself happy and do the things that I want in MY life. I decided a long time ago that I wanted to be happy and that I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. I wonder, sometimes, whether I made the right decision in where I am in my life and I just look at E, with her big smiles and realize, that no matter what I'm just doing the best that I can. At the time that decisions are made, you weigh what you perceive the consequences to be along with the benefits and make your best calls. It isn't perfect, it never is and hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20, sometimes even more so than that ;).

I want to be happy and I feel that I'm starting to get there. I'm pursuing my dreams, raising E alone, and most importantly, learning to love myself. I have chastised the decisions that I've made many times over the years, how I have pushed people away, they they deserved it, that I had no control over certain situations, when really, I'm the one holding the steering wheel. Learning this comes from experience, there's no way that I could have known this without experiencing it myself. The hardest thing about learning that factoid, is understanding that my daughter will have to learn it on her own too. I want to shelter her from the pain of the world, protect her from it's evils, but the only way that I can do that is to prepare her for the eventual time that she will experience the evils of the world.

I have such an internal conflict that I've realized I need to let go. I need to let go of the issues that I have with the past and with what I want in the future, because I'm starting to miss her growing up. She is right here in front of me, she is about to be 5 years old, in Kindergarten and the things I hated about my parents were that they worked too much, never played with me, nor spent time with me. I have to just stop what I'm doing when I'm with her. This is incredibly hard as I am her sole provider, which is why I am going to school to get a better education so that I can get a better job, save money, and spend that oh so special time with her. This is part of the internal conflict and I don't have an answer.

I have been scared since I found out that I was pregnant with E as to whether I could raise her on my own. I felt at the time, that I couldn't, and truly, with where I was at the time, I could not, I had a lot of growing up to do. Right now, I am grateful for having her, she has taught me how to be an adult, how to be a great mother, how you cannot fall apart, yes, give yourself time to cry, but at the end of the day you have responsibilities and you need to suck it up and deal with them, get the job done so-to-speak. She has taught me how to grow up and how to understand some of the decisions that my parents made when I was a child growing up. When you work 60 hours a week, it is near to impossible to be there mentally for your child. I have learned to say no to my work and to rest my mind/body so that I can take her to the park, out with friends, give her a life. There is more to life than having toys/things, yes she may ask for them, but I want her to remember that I am there for her and no matter what if she needs me, mommy is there, period. Mommy isn't going anywhere, ever.

This segues into some of the issues that I have with my disease. It has gotten better, but I am constantly reminded of my limitations. It's still amazing to me to realize where my body is and that for some things, my parents are more physically capable than I am. I am a relatively healthy adult, but the disease has taken away from me my ability to do many things. And all I can say to that is it isn't fair. It's just a statement of fact. There is still no rhyme or reason to the disease that I have and suffer from. I wish I didn't have to sit at the sidelines, I wish that I could run around with her for hours on end, now that isn't to say that I cannot physically do those things, it's that the disease, Chronic Pain Syndrome, makes it so that I will have a flare the next day if I do take on those actions. It's a difficult process to explain, but I have to weigh every day the choices that I make knowing that the consequences are real. There is no freedom from the disease and there is no cure, only management of pain. The only people that can relate to the disease are those that are elderly or have an incurable disease themselves. To be honest, in realizing that there is no freedom, I find freedom. I know what my limitations are and I make do the best that I can. It allows me to have a simple life and to cherish the things that matter, and E is definitely one of those great things in life.

Music Monday

2011-09-19T07:15:00.000-07:00

This is definitely a weird video, but a song that I love to get up and sing whenever I put it on and of course dance to.

And now to mix it up a bit with some random music of people that I truly am inspired by;

And this just happens to be one of my favorite songs

Thoughts on Connected Trailer?

2011-09-13T16:55:00.001-07:00

Inspiration 027

2011-09-13T16:14:00.001-07:00

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go.”

Music Monday on Tuesday

2011-09-13T13:00:00.001-07:00

It's been a week to say the least, this song pretty much sums up how I feel.

Be brave, reshape
Can't force all into molds
Passing out schematics
Forcing all into molds
Once more about to change
Some try and fall beneath molds

Well it's your right so
I'll keep on this path
Turning around bending shapes
Cutting it in
We could excel beyond
The latter fools
Start a new tone
Hating the same
Empty the room

So create, reclaim
Sovereign shapes tempting us
Ration out, their schematics
Dare we live without molds
So far what's left between
They try and fail beneath molds

Well it's your right so
I'll keep on this path
Turning around bending shapes
Cutting it in
We could excel beyond
The latter fools
Start a new tone
Hating the same
Empty the room

Feel locked in a room
And starting to choke
Enticing the shame
Awaken a world our own

Well it's your right so
I'll keep on this path
Turning around bending shapes
Cutting it in
We could excel beyond
The latter fools
Start a new tone
Hating the same
Empty the room

Be brave, reshape
create, reclaim

Be brave, reshape
create, reclaim

Plentitude Economy

2011-09-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

New Dream Mini-Views: Visualizing a Plenitude Economy from Center for a New American Dream on Vimeo.

Thoughts on sunny days...

2011-09-08T12:59:00.001-07:00

Love me
so as not to render
yourself withdrawn.

Love me
for the reasons that
you are special.

I will love you
in all the ways that
you are unique.

And in turn
my heart will grow
and unfasten it's clasp.

Inspiration 026

2011-09-07T07:48:00.000-07:00

"The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And wither then? I cannot say."

Frodo Baggins

Music Mondays

2011-09-05T14:57:00.001-07:00

Yes, some product placement it seems, however, I like the premise behind the video, I hope you do as well too.

Inspiration 025

2011-09-02T14:07:00.000-07:00

From the show "Bones" Episode "Death In The Saddle"

Booth: Here we are, all of us, basically alone, separate creatures, just circling each other, all searching for that slightest hint of a real connection. Some look in the wrong places, some they just hope because in their mind they're thinking "Oh there's nobody out there for me,: but all of us, we keep trying over and over again. Why? Because every once in a while... every once in a while, two people meet and there's that spark, and yes, Bones, he's handsome and she's beautiful and she's beautiful and maybe that's all they see at first, but making love... making love... that's when two people become one.

Bones: It is scientifically impossible for two objects to occupy the same space.

Booth: Yeah, but what's important is we try. And when we do it right, we get close.

Bones: To what? Breaking the laws of physics?

Booth: Yeah, Bones - a miracle.

In my Profile I discuss that in order to know what I am searching for in life is to read Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho. This quote from that episode, well, pretty much sums up that book, at least to me. Love and connection is much more important in a sexual act than just the act itself.

There needs to be two souls coming together, yeah there's the mutual attraction and such going on, but truly, the attempt to become one, to become close and bond, is much more important than anything else. To have that spark and to go in search of it, well, it isn't easy. As the saying goes, there's a lot of fish in the sea. However, from what I've learned over the past few years since my divorce is that, there are a lot of 'messed up,' emotionally unavailable, and truly scarred fish in the sea. To find that someone and have that 'spark' to have that connection, is hard to come by, and you really need to hold onto it and cherish it when you have it.

So it looks like my postings can be published now as they are currently viewing properly on the blog. Much more to come this next week.

More Music

2011-09-02T12:05:00.000-07:00

....when I write posts they aren't displaying correctly other than the videos, so this is just going to be a week of music.

Music... Thursday

2011-09-01T13:09:00.001-07:00

It's been a long week to say the least so here's some music to well, just remind you to take it easy I guess.

Music Monday

2011-08-29T08:33:00.000-07:00

I'll have to upload my actual mp3 of the song as the video and music quality doesn't compare to the original track. However, Bob Dylan has to be one of my favorite singers of all time.

You can never go wrong with Miles Davis:

And now to get into the mood to work I start the day off with Pinback:

And when your day is gone, I recommend playing this song. I play this for my daughter when she needs a lullaby to go to sleep, the song was even written as a lullaby for a child.

Since I cannot seem to sleep...

2011-08-28T19:00:00.000-07:00

...due to many thoughts keeping me up at night, last night I pulled out my art supplies and began to paint. Trees and nature always have an affect on me. I saw a photograph of a tree in park that has been stuck with me for some time now and the picture is what I came up with.

I haven't painted in many years, I'd say I haven't painted since 2009. I don't know why I stopped doing the things that I love or why I spend time alone instead of with friends and develop relationships. I know not why I do the things I do, I picked up an old journal and read the notes that I wrote. They listed the same issues that I currently have in dealing with people and with how I choose to live my life. This past summer I have devoted myself to reconnecting with the things that I love to do and pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I mean really, if you want something in life you cannot be upset that you haven't gotten to where you want to be if you don't take a risk. If you sit there and just let life pass you by, well then, it just plainly will.

And so since music is a huge part of my life (I even picked up my old oboe yesterday and played for my daughter), I leave you with one of my top favorite songs since the painting reminded me of it.

Friday

2011-08-26T13:52:00.000-07:00

Hey taxi

Take me straight to the heart of it
The nucleus of politics where somebody
Somebody started it
Cause they taxed me with a scalpel piece by piece
They cut me deep and bled me dry
Until there was nothing left to bleed

And this is how I choose to live
As if I'm jumping off a cliff
Knowing that you'll save me
Knowing that you'll save me
And after all the stupid things I did
There's nothing left there to forgive
Because you already forgave me
Yeah, you already forgave me

Just keep driving
Leave this defeat miles behind me
So far back I'd have to rack my mind to just remind me
I keep trying

To pick myself back up and then move on
And think about the life I'll have
When this fragile one is gone

And this is how I choose to live
As if I'm jumping off a cliff
Knowing that you'll save me
Knowing that you'll save me
And after all the stupid things I did
There's nothing left there to forgive
'Cause you already forgave me
Yeah, you already forgave me

Never forget
There's life after death

And taxes
And forgiveness comes

Then all of the rest
Is what passes away
Death and decay can't touch us now

Every breath that I inhale
Is followed by exhaling
Sure as the one who never fails
I know will never fail me

Never forget
There's life after death

And taxes
And forgiveness comes (forgiveness comes)
Then all of the rest
It just passes away

And this is how I choose to live (never forget)
As if I'm jumping off a cliff
Knowing that you'll save me (there's life after death)
Knowing that you'll save me
And after all the stupid things I did (and forgiveness comes)
There's nothing left there to forgive
'Cause you already forgave me (and all of the rest is what passes away)
Yeah, you already forgave me

Death and decay can't touch us now

Cleaning....Vinegar

2011-08-24T12:33:00.001-07:00

One of the best cleaning products that I have ever found is Vinegar. Straight vinegar will bleach a stain in tile better than any other cleaning/whitening product that I've used nor come across. For cleaning tile, I tend to use 2/3 white Vinegar with 1/3 water as my cleaning solution. If you spray it onto the surface of your tile and then take a simple scrubbing brush within one hour you can bleach the grout and clean the tile without any hazardous chemicals or harsh fumes.

Yes, the bathroom will smell of Vinegar and you may want to vent the space, but the smell of vinegar will not be corrosive nor will you have to wear gloves. I find it wonderful to be able to quickly clean my bathroom with such a cheap/inexpensive product. The vinegar also disinfects and creates a very clean surface without the use of bleach. This is one aspect of vinegar that I use for cleaning; vinegar is very versatile.

Kindergarten VS Rent

2011-08-23T04:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I find myself with a different view point than the majority of the population, or at least of the majority of people that I come into contact with that view my financial decisions. E has some social issues as well as a strong desire to learn. She gets bored very easily and her interest in learning has an insatiable appetite. In discussions with a friend about E and the fact that I'm looking for a new place to live, I was asked the question of "well, what's the best kindergarten for E?" I was asked this because well, I'm going to move only to a location with a good school system.

My response is that well, she currently is in the best kindergarten program. She attends her preschool and they offer a Kindergarten program as well. She is in a class that has 10 students at it's max, works with her pace and they know her and work with her food allergies. I then let my friend know that I pay $700 a month for this and he was just plain flabbergasted. He replied "that's my rent payment!" Yup, which is why I haven't moved yet. I pay $700 a month so that my child has consistent education and care in a small school that is tree nut free and works with her food allergies and makes her feel safe and normal.

That is incredibly important to me. I grew up in public education and I would like my daughter to grow up in a public school environment as well, however, I have strong concerns over her food allergies and to what extent each school and whether the teachers will help her. I am nervous that due to the budget cuts that her social issues will be pushed to the wayside instead of any time spent working with her to ensure that she has strong social skills. These concerns, are much more important to me in regards to her growing education than ensuring she knows her arithmetic (she doesn't have any issues in that area for example).

We got into a little debate/discussion on it, and it was dropped mostly because well, it's my decision on how I raise my daughter, but it did get me thinking.... I mean, yes, it's a lot of money, but it's a lot of money for piece of mind and that's worth it to me. I do plan to put her into public school at the start of the 1st grade. I don't have a whole lot of time to determine which school I will be putting her in, however, I have settled on a choice of 4 different schools, one being a charter school that would require me to move a significant distance away. I would have to that school district in order to get her into that program, I feel it is the best one for her, but could I feasibly handle the move/the cost of the move? Truly I don't know, this is a very crucial question that I need to answer.

I do get asked a lot why I don't change my particular living situation, why don't I move? Why don't I change? I would enjoy moving into my own apartment and creating a home for E, but I have to weigh that against where she spends the majority of her day, which happens to be her getting an education and the aftercare program(s) provided. I've made this tough decision, one that is not financially easy to make, however, I tend to make decisions based on what is best for E, not what is best for me. I can already see the pay-off in that her imagination is growing and her ability to make friends is increasing.

Now, it isn't easy equating rent to her kindergarten payment, but truly that is the decision and choice that I've made. I've got roughly 6-8 months to make the decision as to where she will be attending the 1st grade and where I will be living a year from now. It really does depend on a few things and I hope to get all my ducks in a row, but that is a discussion for another day. I look forward to what the future holds and I do hope that E does well as she grows up.

Creature

2011-08-22T16:49:00.000-07:00

When times are tough is when you realize who your family truly is, for without family you cannot get through the day.

It is still amazing to realize that the one that birthed you does not consider you a part of her, just one to do her bidding.

It becomes aparent so quickly as her lips separate to explain away manifestations of truth with the lies that she begins to believe, to create her reality.

The sadness of everyone evokes the honesty of the situation but no one has the gall to speak up because they know the truth - nothing will change.

The bosom that fed me creates a virus that destroys my soul wandering it's way to the child that I, myself, have created...

In that fear of loss, I know that I must cut the ties with the one that shaped me in order to keep the past from repeating itself.

So drink your drink and fall into the life that you have chosen as I transition to a home for the family that I have created.

Music Monday

2011-08-22T04:00:00.000-07:00

Another great Folk song and I prefer this video version of the song than the other ones available on youtube.

And Cake with Frank Sinatra always a great song to listen to.

This is a very weird video, but a great song. One that I love from a few years ago when it came out plus it's just very fitting to where I am right now in my life.

This is just another great song.

"Well you're a liar and

your cues are all wrong

but I can't count all the ways you woo me

I watch you capture

What I can't hold

Now make it make some sense to me"

Favorite E-ism

2011-08-21T10:50:00.000-07:00

E (while eating a Quesadilla half in her mouth/half out): :ow, oww, oww, owww, owww, OWWW!"

Me: What?

E: "I bit my finger!"

Me: "So move your finger out of the way, you Silly Goose!"

E: "Haha, then I'd have to take the Quesadilla out! Hahaha, you're so silly Mommy!"

Inspiration 024

2011-08-18T13:03:00.001-07:00

"Why does attentiveness to nature matter? In a very fundamental sense, we are what we pay attention to. Paying heed to beauty, grace, and everyday miracles promotes a sense of possibility and coherence that runs deeper and truer than the often illusory commercial, social "realities" advanced by mainstream contemporary culture. ... Our attention is precious, and what we choose to focus it on has enormous consequences. What we choose to look at, and to listen to--these choices change the world."

excerpt from the book "The Way of Natural History" by Thomas Lowe

Extracurricular Activities for E

2011-08-17T12:15:00.001-07:00

My daughter is nearly 5 years old and well, in growing up I've learned a thing or two about what society expects of you as well as what my expectations are of my daughter. I do feel that she needs to have manners and respect all people. She has issues at her preschool where some kids tease her for being different (she has food allergies and some social issues). Children are children and you cannot expect them to have manners, it's just how they are raised. I have taught her that even though people may not like you that you must be nice to them and treat them with respect. If they are mean to you, you do not need to be their friends, however, you must still be nice to them, aka "Kill 'em with kindness" as the saying goes.

In dealing with these issues I want her to be able to have good social skills. Part of this is ensuring that I have play dates with other moms (some dads/families) that have similar values in the aspect of manners, discipline, and just basic common sense. We do sleep overs, movie nights, trips to different museums and zoos around the county. I feel that these are very important in order to work with teaching her social skills in various behavioral encounters. The reason I worry about these issues is that her father has some issues in these areas and they can get passed on due to genetics. She has shown some signs of issues so I do my best to work with her at a young age to help her develop these social skills. One such thing I did was to not teach her to read. I held her back in that area because I knew that as soon as she could read that she would keep her head in a book rather than play with other children. She started showing those signs when she began to learn to read at age 3. Currently I am no longer holding her back as she is already in Kindergarten (she requested to start earlier). She now has plenty of time for reading, but her development in social skills was more important to me than having her read at a very young age. She can now read simple books and I am quite proud of her and I am very proud that she can play with many children at a time, one one one and even by herself. Play is very important in the development of your imagination.

Another thing that I am doing for her extracurricular activities is teaching her German. I took German in HS and though I am a tad rusty at it right now, knowing another language helps with language skills and provides another way of thinking. When you learn another language you begin to learn how the other culture works, in that certain phrases have very different contexts depending upon the language used. It's a Saturday school program based off of a Non-Profit organization. Some of the money is sponsored through Germany as well as through other supporters that provide donations. It is a flat fee that you pay at the beginning of the school year and it comes out to roughly $60.00 if you break it down. That is a payment I am willing to make to ensure that she learns another language. In a few years I hope to introduce her to Spanish. Languages are very important in a global economic world.

I am also looking at a sport/activity that I can do with her that helps her with spacial reasoning and keeps her cardio up. Depth perception and the ability to climb and be a physical human being are very important to me as well. I know that I will put her in some sort of Martial Art, especially at a young age. I had concerns about putting her in such a physical sport at a young age but my ex-husband made a very good argument which had me change my mind. His words were (and I'm paraphrasing to the best of my memory), "would you rather be called to the hospital because some guy harmed our daughter and she had sever trauma to her or would you rather be called to the police station because she broke some guy's arm that had touched her inappropriately? Which would you rather have?" That very argument changed my mind completely and I had to agree. Violence against women still exists (even to men too) and we need to protect ourselves and our children. I do not advocate breaking peoples' arms, however, if someone is going to do harm or physical violence against me, words will only go so far. Being intimidating against an opponent will usually cause someone to back down, she needs to learn both. There are very good martial arts programs and most of them seem to start at the age of 6 years old. So in the meantime, I am looking at other ways of keeping her physically fit in preparation for her time in a martial arts program.

These are the extracurricular programs that I am currently working on getting E interested in. They are extremely important to me and I will work hard to ensure that she has good developmental skills. I feel that it is important to plant the seed of knowledge in her at a very young age so that it becomes instilled in her.

On being a homemaker...

2011-08-16T14:37:00.000-07:00

...I have learned that it does not require a partner for me to be one. I have always wanted to be a great mother and to provide for my child(ren). I get very nervous about many 'new' things that come into my life, but I really need to just get the hell over it already. I have no idea how to water bath can ( I will be practicing this weekend by following the rules as listed, etc) . I do not need someone more experienced than I to learn (though it would be helpful) but I just need to knuckle down and get over my worries and just learn. Trial by error, yes not the greatest thing to do when it comes to food, which is why I am learning with high acid foods before I move onto anything else as botulism is very unlikely to occur under those specific conditions. I'll follow the recipe exactly and make it happen.

It just sorta dawned on me that I do not need a mate in order to have my life begin. Yes, it sucks, yeah it can be lonely at times, but really, I got this. I've been raising E on my own for a few years now, and I've got it down to a science. She's an amazing child one I'm proud to be raising, I have a great group of friends, and a special inner circle. My inner circle, well they 'get me' we play board games together, talk about random sh**, they're there to help pick E up in case I'm stuck in traffic, try my random food concoctions, hold my hand, barge into my home when all I want to do is sit and do nothing, drag me out, be dorks, go to the Rocky Horror Picture show...and are just truly amazing people. We have hurt one another before, but we go back 8 years, some even further, and I feel it is important to maintain that, we are family. Yeah, family can hurt you more than anyone but you cannot get rid of them, even if you don't end up talking for awhile, sh** happens, but whatever, you get over it because they're family.

I have a family, it may be a weird group of individuals, and even though I do not have a mate, I do not need one in order to be a homemaker. I get to be mom, wise one, confidant, etc, to The Group. I get to be me, and I can learn Home Economics etc, without anyone to do it with. No, that's a lie, I have my daughter. Just last night, well, we had a moth infestation in the pantry (a co-family pantry) and I just could NOT take it anymore. So we moved everything out and did a deep 'Spring' cleaning to the entire pantry. When we were done, E did not want to stop, she insisted on sweeping and scrubbing the floors. She understands the value of maintenance, especially of your home and of your property. She is fantastic at putting her own clothes away, folding the towels, helping to keep her bed made and ensuring that her toys are put away / organized, well as much as a 4 year old (almost 5 year old) can muster.

I am her role model and her teacher and she is just as much a student as I am. I want her to understand the value of Home Economics and of Self Reliance. These are concepts that I grew up on and learned through various teachers and at different times in my life. If I want her to learn them too, well I have to live them. I want to do them with a partner, but seriously, why wait? Why just provide a home for a partner? Why not provide a wonderful home for great company and especially for E? She deserves that. And really, I deserve it too.

There is nothing wrong with becoming a spinster as my daughter grows up. This happened to my Aunt and my two cousins, whom are amazing women, never married nor bore children. I'm okay with it because of my amazing family (some genetic, most not). And so after taking some time off from doing the things I love the most, I cannot wait to focus on them more, finding a mate is important to me, but truly, so what.

Another Music Monday

2011-08-15T16:01:00.000-07:00

This song was in one of my playlists that I've been reviewing and it's just a cute sappy love song. I recommend checking out the studio version of the song, I just didn't like the official video so I did not feel like embedding here on my site. I hope you like the song, I find Timmy Curran's music very soothing to listen to. Moving On is another great song of his.

Music Mondays

2011-08-15T04:00:00.000-07:00

Sunday Update

2011-08-14T08:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've been posting a lot lately about oh whoa-is me. I'm done with that, time to focus on little E and myself. I've purchased 20 lbs of Heirloom Tomatoes from my CSA and 1 lb of Basil. I'll be making home-made tomato sauce that I'll can for the first time over the next few weeks.

You can get your own bulk tomatoes and basil from JR Organics if you go to their website products page.

Ringing in my ears...

2011-08-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

Ring, ring, ring

my nerves are shaking

Ring, ring, ring

I hope you'll say hello

Ring, ring, ring

I can hear my heart in my ears

Ring, ring, ring

I can barely breathe

Ring, ring, answering machine,

Leave generic message

Click...

Find solace in knowing that you tried

Something I learned a long time ago is that you cannot force someone to call you nor to call you back. If you want someone to talk to you, you have to pick up that hard piece of plastic and do it yourself. The hard thing is remembering this little piece of knowledge but then utilizing it a few months later, well will provide different results than had you done it sooner. Ce la vie? If only it were that simple. Yeah it's hard, yeah it sucks, but putting yourself out there is important. An English comedian puts this thought process together by far better than I ever could put it:

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life.... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

*Neil Gaiman

Picture comes from the blog Stuff No-One Told Me by Alex Noriega

Editor's Update: Did call me back a few days later and we shall see what happens. It is good to be vulnerable, it's the only way to bond it seems. 8/16/11.

Inspiration 023

2011-08-12T17:25:00.000-07:00

"Life is a long lesson in humility."

~ James Matthew Barrie quotes (Scottish Dramatist and Novelist best known as the creator of Peter Pan, 1860-1937)

This is something that just hit me in the face. I am definitely not perfect and I definitely screw up. Basically, I have foot in mouth syndrome and I may not realize it until way after the fact. This is something that will take a long while for me to learn and even so, I am ready for that journey. I hope to teach humility to my daughter. I realize that I must be humble in my actions in order to teach this to her. However long the journey may be I realize that I am taught a new lesson nearly every day on this.

One thing I realize is that in order to be humble I must also be honest and open. I am usually a very guarded person and I hold things in, whether it be emotions or information, I just have a tendency to shut down and cut people out. How can I expect my daughter to have healthy relationships with people if I am incapable/have a hard time doing it in my own life? How can I make things better?

Debt Payoff, Or Rather Reallocation

2011-08-11T04:00:00.000-07:00

I have paid down my financial debt and can now gain access to my transcripts and not have to worry about that monthly bill anymore! It is quite freeing and wonderful to realize that I can now go back to a University to finish up my Bachelor's Degree. I have been spending the past few years focusing and working on, well just plain surviving. In previous posts about my medical condition, I have discussed struggles that I have gone through, it is freeing to also realize that it is under control as well!

So, I had the pleasure of finding out in January that a collection agency wanted roughly $4,000 from me as a result of my attending a University. It seems that when I left during the middle of a semester that the Federal Government revoked my financial aid and the school had to pay it to them immediately when I left. I left due to my illness where I nearly died on campus. Let's just say I was a tad preoccupied with getting healthy and felt it was in my best interests to get out of a smoggy area that required me to be on steroids to survive. I live in Southern California and I'm off all of my steroids and my breathing is much better now. So, needless to say, I left to go back home from where I was attending school. All of my mail went to my now ex husband letting me know that I needed to pay back the school. Let's just say that since my ex and I also happened to be having issues at the time and such, I never got the mail....

I had no idea as I thought my ex husband (husband at the time) had taken care of everything since I was working on getting healthy/staying alive and taking care of our daughter (whom also had breathing issues due to the smog in the area). As soon as she and I were stable enough to move, we did and we will never live in such a poor air quality environment again. She deserves better and I will take on any sacrifice to ensure that her lungs never develop asthma as mine have.

Anyhoo, it's been an intense few years to say the least. So, at the beginning of January I found out about this $4,000 bill to pay back that was going to a collections agency. I've been making my minimum payments and really, many multiple bills each month was killing me. Then the summer hit, my ex husband informed me that he would no longer be paying child support to me for a few months due to 'unforeseen issues' that arose for him. I found myself struggling to figure out, okay, pay car, pay insurance, pay child care, pay loan, pay collection, pay bills, pay gas....work two jobs, be super mom, finish up course for school....and where do I come up for air? Too many bills from one location to the other.

Well, it is easier if the bills came from ONE location and not multiple areas. I contacted my credit union and talked with them about a consolidated debt loan or what truly my options would be. I ended up deciding to go with a refinance on my auto loan. I had a little over $6,000 left on my loan but my car was valued at $13,000. I pulled out $3,000 as that was what I roughly had left on the large debt from my previous attempts at a Bachelor's degree. The new car payment was put off for 30 days (ex now has ability to pay child support so the payment will be covered along with the child support coming in along with the start of her kindergarten).

The debt from the school was reallocated from a collection agency over to a refinanced auto loan. Yes, the debt from the collection agency did NOT have an interest rate on it and now it does have one tied to it, however, $350 a month was allocated down to $180 per month, that is a big difference in monthly payments. In the long run I will be paying more in interest, however, I now have access to my transcripts as there was a hold on my record along with a lower monthly bill. This was the best decision for me under the circumstances. Now my education will not be held back due to a mistake in billing a few years ago and I can truly move on. Getting an education will provide me with the ability to support my daughter and be able to move out of the tight money situation that I live in.

I will state that I am actually grateful for getting to experience this loss of income and to have to really look at my budget, ensure that I have enough money to cover my expenses along with taking care of my daughter. From what I've learned about the 'modern world' is that people are paid a lot of money and most people don't know what to do with it. There are many fools out there (when it comes to money), me definitely not being exactly wise with it, and many other people ready to take the money from those fools with things such as tv, clothes, toys, cars, these things that will make us happier or better, sexier, or whatever. I am on a path to learn how to consume conscientiously while also saving.

I save roughly 10% a month (I will now be saving 80% of the child support I get since it cannot be counted on, another topic, one I choose not to go into too much detail on). It is best to save 20-30% of your income if you ever want to retire. Another reason is what I called an "Oh Sh** Fund" savings account. You never know when the carpet will be pulled out from under you and when you will have to dip into your surplus. Save for those lean times, they come without warning...usually in succession. Anyhoo, this is what I've done to reduce my overall monthly allotted debts and what's been taking up a lot of my time these past few months.

Now mind you still have my vices, I will drive where I like (within San Diego and within reason) and I provide myself with a $60.00 budget to do what I want with. These little tactics help to keep me on track with my payments and in building my credit :). It is a wonderful process, one I'm glad to be learning in my younger years rather than after wasting my good earned money from hard a** work for the next 20-30 years instead of properly investing/saving my hard earned...you get the idea. So....that's what I've been doing!

Please seek financial advice from a professional, this is how I have chosen to take care of my personal finances and is not meant to be taken as the best possible nor correct course of action for your own personal financial decisions.